Zoltan
This is a Golden Wind
@Venom Adhamm
Okay! Thanks!
Okay! Thanks!
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Futuristic This Lonely Silence: Characters
- Thread starter Venom Adhamm
- Start date
Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
@Fenris @MadArtist @Zoltan
Just realizing now I forgot to provide this information in the OP (I've now added it), but you need to specify which of your limbs is the prosthetic. So if you chose a leg augment, choose which leg is the prosthetic, and the same for if you have an arm augment. Please add this information in the "Augmentations" section of your CS. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Just realizing now I forgot to provide this information in the OP (I've now added it), but you need to specify which of your limbs is the prosthetic. So if you chose a leg augment, choose which leg is the prosthetic, and the same for if you have an arm augment. Please add this information in the "Augmentations" section of your CS. Sorry for the inconvenience.
MahoganyLeaf
Member
@Venom Adhamm Done it!
Zoltan
This is a Golden Wind
@Venom Adhamm
Alright, I did it fam
Alright, I did it fam
Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
@Zoltan
You appear to have removed the majority of your CS in the process. I need the full CS in order to set up your abilities and future questlines.
You appear to have removed the majority of your CS in the process. I need the full CS in order to set up your abilities and future questlines.
Zoltan
This is a Golden Wind
@Venom Adhamm Uh.... Oh boy. Well, looks like it's time to redo that! No idea how it got deleted though
Zoltan
This is a Golden Wind
TheCountryWarrior
One Thousand Club
Name: Zach Corrato "The Shadow Lion"
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Occupation prior to joining the Investigation Incorporation: Street rat.
Appearance: Standing at 6'7" Zach is a comely looking boy of a lanky build with brown hair. He has scars on various parts of his body, a reminder of where he's from. His clothing is simple save for a Lion mask of his own making. He wears a backpack for holding stuff.
Augmentation: Night-vision Overlay
Perk: Forged in Shadow
Personal Weapon: Lion's Claws. A pair of gauntlets with claws extending over 3 inches long. It can shoot darts of various types from the wrist. The effects vary with different types of darts. He currently has 5 sleeping darts total. Each gauntlet can hold up to three darts.
Biography: Born in a fledgling gang on the streets Zach learned an entire different life from those born in happy houses and apartments. In a gang one needs others to rely on or nothing gets done. As he grew up he learned street fighting. No, it's not a fighting style or a zen ninja Japan style. It's simply survival, when all that stands between you and death is luck, skill, and strength. At age 15 his little fledgling gang was eradicated by one of the larger gangs that thought them a nuisance, and he was forced to flee. Making do with petty thievery he lived on the streets, sleeping on benches and in alleyways. When he scraped together enough money he bought the components for his weapon and mask and made them himself. The first few prototypes failed of course, but he kept trying. He was 17 when the law caught up to him and arrested him, but not before stashing his items in a secret place. He was in the brutal prisons for a year, with beatings, prison murder, the whole nine yards. He finally got out, retrieved his items and stared working for the Investigation Incorporation. He's waiting for a job right now.
Group or Private: Private
(Please tell me if anything must be changed.)
Venom Adhamm
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Occupation prior to joining the Investigation Incorporation: Street rat.
Appearance: Standing at 6'7" Zach is a comely looking boy of a lanky build with brown hair. He has scars on various parts of his body, a reminder of where he's from. His clothing is simple save for a Lion mask of his own making. He wears a backpack for holding stuff.
Augmentation: Night-vision Overlay
Perk: Forged in Shadow
Personal Weapon: Lion's Claws. A pair of gauntlets with claws extending over 3 inches long. It can shoot darts of various types from the wrist. The effects vary with different types of darts. He currently has 5 sleeping darts total. Each gauntlet can hold up to three darts.
Biography: Born in a fledgling gang on the streets Zach learned an entire different life from those born in happy houses and apartments. In a gang one needs others to rely on or nothing gets done. As he grew up he learned street fighting. No, it's not a fighting style or a zen ninja Japan style. It's simply survival, when all that stands between you and death is luck, skill, and strength. At age 15 his little fledgling gang was eradicated by one of the larger gangs that thought them a nuisance, and he was forced to flee. Making do with petty thievery he lived on the streets, sleeping on benches and in alleyways. When he scraped together enough money he bought the components for his weapon and mask and made them himself. The first few prototypes failed of course, but he kept trying. He was 17 when the law caught up to him and arrested him, but not before stashing his items in a secret place. He was in the brutal prisons for a year, with beatings, prison murder, the whole nine yards. He finally got out, retrieved his items and stared working for the Investigation Incorporation. He's waiting for a job right now.
Group or Private: Private
(Please tell me if anything must be changed.)
Venom Adhamm
Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
TheCountryWarrior
Your character is poorly written and all negative parts of his life do not result in any flaws whatsoever.
Firstly, former gang members who only get by through "petty thievery" simply do not have the ability to create gauntlets and various darts for those gauntlets to fire. They lack both the knowledge and money to do so. There also doesn't seem to be any reason at all for your character to join the Investigation Incorporation.
Speaking towards the "poorly written" issue, you don't give very much detail at all as to what your character looks like. The issue mentioned before in your biography stands here, but in particular, the sentence where you discuss street-fighting bugs me. It reads like it belongs in a Young Adult novel written by an upper middle-class white kid who's too edgy for his own good and glorifies poverty and crime, thinking he'd definitely make it as a gang member in the ghetto when in reality he wouldn't survive ten minutes without air conditioning. The fact that your character has a mask and a codename just adds to the amount of edge.
Furthermore, you cannot use the "Forged in Shadow" perk, as your character is freakishly tall and would be noticed by everyone.
Let me know if you end up fixing all that and I'll take another look at your character. Until then: declined.
TheCountryWarrior
One Thousand Club
Well I'm not going pretend not to be discouraged, but perhaps you are right on all counts. I'm simply not ready for something of this caliber. I will certainly keep watching the stories unfold on this thread, because I love the idea of this world, but I doubt I could meet the criteria for a good extended roleplay here. I must however clarify: I am not an edgy middle-class white kid, I am an edgy middle-class Hispanic kid. Farewell and good luck.
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