Joanna Matilda Barlow
Rhapsody Dynasty Fighter Ally. ATBG Fan.
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The trans cometh...
- Thread starter Joanna Matilda Barlow
- Start date
Y u k i o
RPN's Gay Fetus
WHY IS THIS ON THE INTRODUCTIONS PAGE TF IN THE RDTFGVYHBJNKMJNHBGFCDXSTRYTCUYVIUBHINJ
Hello.
That
I'll read that when my eyes aren't tired-
Welcome
Hello.
That
I'll read that when my eyes aren't tired-
Welcome
Joanna Matilda Barlow
Rhapsody Dynasty Fighter Ally. ATBG Fan.
WHY IS THIS ON THE INTRODUCTIONS PAGE TF IN THE RDTFGVYHBJNKMJNHBGFCDXSTRYTCUYVIUBHINJ
Hello.
That
I'll read that when my eyes aren't tired-
Welcome
Thank you.
Joanna Matilda Barlow
Rhapsody Dynasty Fighter Ally. ATBG Fan.
Been able to read it yet?
Randomfella
Rando
This is probably better put in the creativity forum, character feedback is where you post a cs for feedback on it (though some just use it to store characters rather than using the private workshop.
I didn't read all of it, it's quite difficult as some of the paragraphs are far too long creating walls of text. I'd also say be wary of dragging out your scenes, such as where they get pizza, that could have been a couple of sentances.
As for the transgender part, there's no issue about it as long as it doesn't become the only thing that defines your character, its a major part sure, but readers are likely more interested in their personality.
I didn't read all of it, it's quite difficult as some of the paragraphs are far too long creating walls of text. I'd also say be wary of dragging out your scenes, such as where they get pizza, that could have been a couple of sentances.
As for the transgender part, there's no issue about it as long as it doesn't become the only thing that defines your character, its a major part sure, but readers are likely more interested in their personality.
Corrosion
ur lite fades awey
Strawberry Ink
Positively Primeval
I'm not sure if you're looking for character feedback or feedback on a fanfiction. I'm also not sure if "blog tales" is the same as rping like we do here? You mention scenes and "don't add characters to our scenes without permission" and stuff but I'm not sure I get what you mean. In rp, you come up with a plot (example: aliens kidnapped four teens for experimentation and now the teens must find a way to escape) and others join it with whatever character fits the setting. There aren't really "scenes" here. It seems like instead of that you want people to play as characters in a book you've written which... Is subtlety different? I dunno, it's confusing.
Right away I notice that you use a LOT of ellipses. It's not necessary to use so many. It's not only annoying to read but it makes it seem as though the characters are pausing for dramatic tension every two seconds in their dialogue. Ellipses don't function the same way as a comma or period.
Joanna and some of the other characters don't really speak like real people. I don't know if that is just a quirk of Joanna's character though.
Like someone else mentioned, some scenes go on way longer than is needed. The point can come across in just a few sentences. I think this problem also stems from the characters not speaking like real people. The characters, especially Joanna, seem to go on forever in this sort of melodramatic monologue at times when a real person would just say, "what do you want?"
At the end of the day, I'm just clueless on what feedback you're looking for here or what this crossover thing even is.
Edit: Forgot to mention something else that jumped out at me. You switch from third person past tense to first person here and there at the start of the introduction. You also mentioned something about Joanna building a motorcycle by themselves when they were 6 years old. WHAT? That's not possible. There are other details that don't make sense but I'll pause here for now.
Right away I notice that you use a LOT of ellipses. It's not necessary to use so many. It's not only annoying to read but it makes it seem as though the characters are pausing for dramatic tension every two seconds in their dialogue. Ellipses don't function the same way as a comma or period.
Joanna and some of the other characters don't really speak like real people. I don't know if that is just a quirk of Joanna's character though.
Like someone else mentioned, some scenes go on way longer than is needed. The point can come across in just a few sentences. I think this problem also stems from the characters not speaking like real people. The characters, especially Joanna, seem to go on forever in this sort of melodramatic monologue at times when a real person would just say, "what do you want?"
At the end of the day, I'm just clueless on what feedback you're looking for here or what this crossover thing even is.
Edit: Forgot to mention something else that jumped out at me. You switch from third person past tense to first person here and there at the start of the introduction. You also mentioned something about Joanna building a motorcycle by themselves when they were 6 years old. WHAT? That's not possible. There are other details that don't make sense but I'll pause here for now.
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Chimney Swift
i am confusion
Just gonna say it: 'Transgender' is an adjective, not a noun.
"She is transgender" NOT "She is a transgender"
"She is transgender" NOT "She is a transgender"
the_grail_at_camelot
Mostly void, partially stars
if you personally are not trans, there's a whole culture and community with lingo and things to avoid, I only say this because.... "she's a transgender" is kind of offensive, transgender isn't a noun. Don't want to be *that* guy, but just so you know.
the_grail_at_camelot
Mostly void, partially stars
Yeah I didn't spot that, it should be trans boy
Joanna Matilda Barlow
Rhapsody Dynasty Fighter Ally. ATBG Fan.
You know what? You don't like how i do my characters... fine. But don't tell me how i should write it out. I don't go telling you how to do yours. I'm not out hurting anyone. I am just here to have fun. So stop trying to bust my chops. I really don't appreciate it.
the_grail_at_camelot
Mostly void, partially stars
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to come across as.. well, mean. I'm just trying to help you write a more realistic transgender character. You're right, write your character how you want to, it's just a slightly inaccurate depiction of a transgender person is all
Joanna Matilda Barlow
Rhapsody Dynasty Fighter Ally. ATBG Fan.
Maybe so. But next time... read it all more thoroughly. You'll see the whole story and will understand.
the_grail_at_camelot
Mostly void, partially stars
Yeah sure, my bad, and I really am sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Its just that I'm transgender so naturally it bothered me that some of the stuff here was inaccurate. I apologise for any offence caused, I really do
Strawberry Ink
Positively Primeval
You know this is character feedback right? People here were just trying to help you write a believable character and/or improve your writing so people would be more willing to read it. Stop being rude.
adrian_
julie my beloved 🥰
this got cringy really quickly rip thread as soon as a mod comes through
Joanna Matilda Barlow
Rhapsody Dynasty Fighter Ally. ATBG Fan.
Who the heck are you? What do you even mean about a Mod coming through and ripping this? What is going on?
When the mod cometh...
The transgender *boy goeth....
(Cringe joke. But I've been watching this thread and hating every moment of it.)
adrian_
julie my beloved 🥰
????
Hold on, why were you angry at people for respectfully criticising your work, this is the character feedback section.
Hold on, why were you angry at people for respectfully criticising your work, this is the character feedback section.
CerpinTaxt
A Man With No Face
Seeing this thread is the equivalent of observing the remains of a huge battle from years passed.
