Realistic or Modern The Pharaoh's Soliloquy | OOC

[Historical Storyteller]

Mostly, more accurate words. But I plan to include some of the FERVOR you suggested; and revise the side-effects and effects of some of the ZEAL.

Further suggestions are always welcome.

Your writing's good, but yeah, we should strive to be better. There's always room for improvement, man. And you know, you can read the comic books if you want to get an idea of superpowers. Or maybe hit Tvtropes and look at some superpower index or something there.

Hmm, yeah, I haven't asked how many times one uses ZEAL/FERVOR/BLISS before the side effects are felt. Does one use them hundreds or thousands of times before feeling their effects? Or does one use it a dozen of times before his health starts to deteriorate? Are there instances of a person using it only once and dying? Maybe these items mirror the effects of drugs, and so we can compare ZEAL/FERVOR/BLISS to drug use.

Suggestions?

Hmm, if you know a little about political theories and revolutions, I suggest that you give a short description of the revolutionaries' beliefs. If there are Communists, tell them how they want to change the world into a proletarian paradise through armed revolution. If there are Capitalists, tell the world how they believe in world prosperity through the use of free trade...

I don't really know much about these political theories, and frankly, it's a pain in the ass to try to get familiar with all of 'em. A couple of sentences on their beliefs is enough, we just need to know why they fight.

Then there's the Socialists... the Union Workers... etc... etc...

I wonder if religion plays a big role in here too. God, there are so many denominations here. There's the Catholics, the Lutherans, the Baptists, the Presbyterians...

Fuck. So. Many. Movements.

Well, we can't have 'em all so let's select a few only.

Also concluded rectifying the first part. Better words, better summarizing, etc.

I'll take a look at it then.

However futuristic the world may as well be, people are still too poor or ignorant to catch on with electricity. That, and the grid is still a newborn idea.

I'm not familiar with the 1920's, so I'm probably going to make a few mistakes along the way. Well, whatever, I'll just have fun.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

OK, I have a question. What does BCE stand for?

 

[Elephantom]

Your writing's good, but yeah, we should strive to be better. There's always room for improvement, man. And you know, you can read the comic books if you want to get an idea of superpowers. Or maybe hit Tvtropes and look at some superpower index or something there.

Hmm, yeah, I haven't asked how many times one uses ZEAL/FERVOR/BLISS before the side effects are felt. Does one use them hundreds or thousands of times before feeling their effects? Or does one use it a dozen of times before his health starts to deteriorate? Are there instances of a person using it only once and dying? Maybe these items mirror the effects of drugs, and so we can compare ZEAL/FERVOR/BLISS to drug use.

Suggestions?

Hmm, if you know a little about political theories and revolutions, I suggest that you give a short description of the revolutionaries' beliefs. If there are Communists, tell them how they want to change the world into a proletarian paradise through armed revolution. If there are Capitalists, tell the world how they believe in world prosperity through the use of free trade...

I don't really know much about these political theories, and frankly, it's a pain in the ass to try to get familiar with all of 'em. A couple of sentences on their beliefs is enough, we just need to know why they fight.

Then there's the Socialists... the Union Workers... etc... etc...

I wonder if religion plays a big role in here too. God, there are so many denominations here. There's the Catholics, the Lutherans, the Baptists, the Presbyterians...

Fuck. So. Many. Movements.

Well, we can't have 'em all so let's select a few only.



I'll take a look at it then.



I'm not familiar with the 1920's, so I'm probably going to make a few mistakes along the way. Well, whatever, I'll just have fun.

I don't want to play the religion card — it'll be like making the complex more complex. Yet, even then, I'll select a few. Just for an added depth.

But thing is, I don't know shit about religion. That's a problem.

I'll look into improving the POWERS. And, yes, my writing.

Drug usage is a difficult thing to explore, when the RP isn't quite based on it, or near it — mostly action stuff. And Fred's already a living example of darker side of BLISS/FERVOR/ZEAL. I'll leave it to the players to interpret it their own way, get it?

Good idea. Exploring, albeit simple-mindedly, their convictions and goals is a fine idea. I'm also thinking of dividing the factions into three primary groups:

Left (Communist, anarchists, union workers etc.)

Neutral (State army, Union pacific, Some people etc.)

Right (Regulators, Pinks, Capitalists etc.)

This doesn't imply that they're friends with each other.

 

[Elephantom]

OK, I have a question. What does BCE stand for?

A shortened form of British Colonial Empire. Just being a lazy ass.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

Hm, I had to do some stuff so I couldn't reply earlier. Anyways, here it is.

I don't want to play the religion card — it'll be like making the complex more complex. Yet, even then, I'll select a few. Just for an added depth.

But thing is, I don't know shit about religion. That's a problem.

I'll look into improving the POWERS. And, yes, my writing.

Drug usage is a difficult thing to explore, when the RP isn't quite based on it, or near it — mostly action stuff. And Fred's already a living example of darker side of BLISS/FERVOR/ZEAL. I'll leave it to the players to interpret it their own way, get it?

Good idea. Exploring, albeit simple-mindedly, their convictions and goals is a fine idea. I'm also thinking of dividing the factions into three primary groups:

Left (Communist, anarchists, union workers etc.)

Neutral (State army, Union pacific, Some people etc.)

Right (Regulators, Pinks, Capitalists etc.)

This doesn't imply that they're friends with each other.

I have a book about the history of Christianity, but it's over 1000 pages long so I didn't really read it. So yeah, religion is as complicated as fuck. Maybe adding a few religions is enough to give the roleplay depth, but at least it won't be as overwhelming as including TONS of religious beliefs.

Just don't make your characters too overpowered or anything. Plus, those are ordinary people taking super drugs, it will really take a toil on their bodies. In my personal opinion, I think it's better to stick with guns but to only use drugs as a last resort. This is only my personal opinion, you might have different thoughts.

In writing, I prefer something... informal. I prefer it if the writer would "talk" to the audience. I don't like the information dry and factual. I'd like it if it were more explosive and entertaining. That's how I'd like my writing. Of course, this is a pain in the ass to write in the first place, so you can stick with your thing.

Fred? Fred a darker side of BLISS/FERVOR/ZEAL? Fred doesn't use drugs! Wait a minute, Eleph, do you have plans for Fred that I don't know about?

Good, categorizing them simplifies things. That way we won't get lost trying to figure things out.

A shortened form of British Colonial Empire. Just being a lazy ass.

Well, I was a bit confused there for a second.

Because you mentioned the British only once in "Colonial Empire of Britain" which looks to me like the acronym CEB instead of BCE....

... ... ... OK, I think... I managed to confuse myself there.

If you don't want to confuse readers, put it like this "BCE (British Colonal Empire)". Because.... I was confused there, man.

ANYWAYS, do you have any more things to ask? If something bothers you about this roleplay, just ask.

 

[Elephantom]

Hm, I had to do some stuff so I couldn't reply earlier. Anyways, here it is.



I have a book about the history of Christianity, but it's over 1000 pages long so I didn't really read it. So yeah, religion is as complicated as fuck. Maybe adding a few religions is enough to give the roleplay depth, but at least it won't be as overwhelming as including TONS of religious beliefs.

Just don't make your characters too overpowered or anything. Plus, those are ordinary people taking super drugs, it will really take a toil on their bodies. In my personal opinion, I think it's better to stick with guns but to only use drugs as a last resort. This is only my personal opinion, you might have different thoughts.

In writing, I prefer something... informal. I prefer it if the writer would "talk" to the audience. I don't like the information dry and factual. I'd like it if it were more explosive and entertaining. That's how I'd like my writing. Of course, this is a pain in the ass to write in the first place, so you can stick with your thing.

Fred? Fred a darker side of BLISS/FERVOR/ZEAL? Fred doesn't use drugs! Wait a minute, Eleph, do you have plans for Fred that I don't know about?

Good, categorizing them simplifies things. That way we won't get lost trying to figure things out.



Well, I was a bit confused there for a second.

Because you mentioned the British only once in "Colonial Empire of Britain" which looks to me like the acronym CEB instead of BCE....

... ... ... OK, I think... I managed to confuse myself there.

If you don't want to confuse readers, put it like this "BCE (British Colonal Empire)". Because.... I was confused there, man.

ANYWAYS, do you have any more things to ask? If something bothers you about this roleplay, just ask.

Oh, sorry, I mad a mistake there. Blame sleep deprivation.

Sorry, for the short reply, but I'm a bit tired right now. Will come back on this matter as soon as I can.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

Oh, sorry, I mad a mistake there. Blame sleep deprivation.

Sorry, for the short reply, but I'm a bit tired right now. Will come back on this matter as soon as I can.

K, I'll be busy today anyway. I'm going shopping.

 

[Elephantom]

I have a book about the history of Christianity, but it's over 1000 pages long so I didn't really read it. So yeah, religion is as complicated as fuck. Maybe adding a few religions is enough to give the roleplay depth, but at least it won't be as overwhelming as including TONS of religious beliefs.

Understood.

Just don't make your characters too overpowered or anything. Plus, those are ordinary people taking super drugs, it will really take a toil on their bodies. In my personal opinion, I think it's better to stick with guns but to only use drugs as a last resort. This is only my personal opinion, you might have different thoughts.

Of course, powers will be and are heavily moderated. Guns are always more powerful.

In writing, I prefer something... informal. I prefer it if the writer would "talk" to the audience. I don't like the information dry and factual. I'd like it if it were more explosive and entertaining. That's how I'd like my writing. Of course, this is a pain in the ass to write in the first place, so you can stick with your thing.

That's what I tried in the first place, and it sucked ass. I'm simply more used to writing in third person, concisely. As they say, better to with the median route, than try something risky and crash hard.

Fred? Fred a darker side of BLISS/FERVOR/ZEAL? Fred doesn't use drugs! Wait a minute, Eleph, do you have plans for Fred that I don't know about?

No, nor Fred. That other guy. Forgot his name. That one guy who was slowly disappearing from the physical realm.

Good, categorizing them simplifies things. That way we won't get lost trying to figure things out.

Right.

Well, I was a bit confused there for a second.

Because you mentioned the British only once in "Colonial Empire of Britain" which looks to me like the acronym CEB instead of BCE....

... ... ... OK, I think... I managed to confuse myself there.

If you don't want to confuse readers, put it like this "BCE (British Colonal Empire)". Because.... I was confused there, man.

ANYWAYS, do you have any more things to ask? If something bothers you about this roleplay, just ask.

Understood. Will clarify things.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

Understood.

Of course, powers will be and are heavily moderated. Guns are always more powerful.

That's what I tried in the first place, and it sucked ass. I'm simply more used to writing in third person, concisely. As they say, better to with the median route, than try something risky and crash hard.

No, nor Fred. That other guy. Forgot his name. That one guy who was slowly disappearing from the physical realm.

Right.

Understood. Will clarify things.

Ultimately, the way ZEAL/BLISS/FERVOR will be used will be up to you. Though these drugs will be useful to secure a temporary advantage over an opponent, and they may save your life, they will hurt a lot in the long run.

Still though, your writing is still good, especially when you're in the roleplays. I feel like I'm reading a novel when I read your posts. To be honest, I think it's professional and it gets straight to the point without too much drama.

OH, so you mean Corporal Delmore "Del" Markusen. Yeah, that guy's got it rough. That's what you get for teleporting straight into a whorehouse for weeks without a second thought.

Good, anyways, do you want me to ask about anything in particular? Have any doubts on your mind on something? I think it's better if you just tell me if you have any problems so I won't have to spend so much time looking for anything to fix. Saves me the trouble.

 

[Elephantom]

Ultimately, the way ZEAL/BLISS/FERVOR will be used will be up to you. Though these drugs will be useful to secure a temporary advantage over an opponent, and they may save your life, they will hurt a lot in the long run.

Still though, your writing is still good, especially when you're in the roleplays. I feel like I'm reading a novel when I read your posts. To be honest, I think it's professional and it gets straight to the point without too much drama.

OH, so you mean Corporal Delmore "Del" Markusen. Yeah, that guy's got it rough. That's what you get for teleporting straight into a whorehouse for weeks without a second thought.

Good, anyways, do you want me to ask about anything in particular? Have any doubts on your mind on something? I think it's better if you just tell me if you have any problems so I won't have to spend so much time looking for anything to fix. Saves me the trouble.

Thanks for the compliment. I think I worry too much over my posts — always begin thinking that they're borderline purple prose, or just too sub-par. Nice to see that people think it's concise and to-point.

So, another thing I was thinking of changing was Clay in his entirety — his bio, mostly. I just can't help but feel unsatisfied with him. I'm gonna increase his age a bit more, make him a more hardened veteran — and then, emphasize his whole character in the process. I think, he was too neutral for his own good. Gotta give him a leaning — I mean, seriously, the only trait that stands out is his short temper. I want to add more than that.

 

[Elephantom]

Ok, so I'm going to be a bit busy today. Y'know, tending to the others I'm role-playing with — or they'll get nasty with me, always happens. When I'm free, I'll iron out the details and plot info. And include the faction part.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

Thanks for the compliment. I think I worry too much over my posts — always begin thinking that they're borderline purple prose, or just too sub-par. Nice to see that people think it's concise and to-point.

So, another thing I was thinking of changing was Clay in his entirety — his bio, mostly. I just can't help but feel unsatisfied with him. I'm gonna increase his age a bit more, make him a more hardened veteran — and then, emphasize his whole character in the process. I think, he was too neutral for his own good. Gotta give him a leaning — I mean, seriously, the only trait that stands out is his short temper. I want to add more than that.

Ah, so you want Clay to show more emotion? More... character to him? Maybe you want to show him as a bit more conflicted with the Collective? Perhaps he's seen things that the Collective did that makes him sick to the core. Perhaps he cannot forgive the Collective for deceiving the world into thinking that it is a force for the greater good. Perhaps he cannot forgive himself for doing the Collective's dirty work. So maybe he hates the Collective and he hates himself at the same time. This would generate conflict within himself and with the Collective. Be careful not to make Clay too angsty though, the challenge is to make Clay's struggle with his ideals meaningful.

Clay must have strongly believed in his family and his country and he was willing to sacrifice his life for it. And he did dedicate most of his youth to serving his country and the Collective. But what did he get in return? All he got was shame. He was ashamed of himself and the Collective he served. That was because the Collective didn't turn out to be the force for greater good he thought it was. And he himself was no better, he did some shitty stuff even if he was just following orders.

This is just one example, you are free to add more twists to Clay's backstory.

And you know, I was about to say that Clay doesn't need any change at all, but on second thought I believe Clay does need a few changes. You say Clay is too neutral, I don't really have a problem with this, but yeah, I agree it would be more interesting if he had more at stake in the story. I think you feel that he's too passive, he's just a taxpayer, and he's just another citizen and you want him to be a more active character.

I don't believe Clay needs to be older, he has seen enough war to last a lifetime. What you have to do is add more background to the battles he fought, give more life to the things he's seen, and show us how he feels about all this. It doesn't matter how many years he's put in the Army if he's seen nothing.

Show us how he traveled across the great Atlantic ocean to fight a war to liberate Europe from the Germans. Show us how entire families, men, women, children, were all gunned down for opposing the Collective. Show us how he struggled to believe in the Collective in spite of committing the worst atrocities known to man.

Show us how everything damaged Clay's soul forever, and how he prays for God to forgive him for his sins. Show us how he stares off into space whenever he recalls the things he's did. Show us how he spends his sleepless nights trying to fight off the nightmares that keep on coming. Show us how he keeps trying to share his story with his closest friends but he finds that none of them will ever understand him. Show us how the Collective sends agents to harass Clay when he is about to reveal important secrets, and how he's beaten up for his trouble.

In short, show us how Clay is fighting his own battles. He doesn't have to be in any war to show us that he's struggling with his own humanity. You can have him fight wars for a hundred years, but you have to tell us how it affected him...

I believe the reason why you are so dissatisfied with Clay is because you haven't talked about his war experiences. He's got everything set, he was raised in a middle class family with a few brothers. His father died because of some dirty cop. He enlisted in the Army to get away from it all.

But all he did in the Army was... basically help in a couple of wars and then retire. You have to tell us what happened there or at least reveal it during the roleplay.

....

Even after doing the Collective's dirty work, I wonder why Clay is still fighting for the Collective. Why does he still believe in being a taxpayer and a concerned citizen that is willing to risk his neck to stop a riot?

It really has me thinking about Clay.

And Clay does have a short temper. Is it genetic? Did he inherit it from his parents? Or did he just get into a lot of fights with his father, his brothers, and with a whole lot of people so he had to be angry?

Hmm, any other quirks to suggest for Clay?

Clay could be sympathetic to foreigners, knowing that the Collective rules the world with an iron fist, Clay makes sure to be as kind as he can to foreigners.

Clay could be involved in politics. He could try to help the left-wingers win their revolutions, or he could help the right-wingers stay in power. Or he could just stay in the sidelines and mind his own business as a moderate/neutral character.

Clay could hate robots, and he believes cybernetics eat your soul. I mean, he believes it's unnatural for a bucket of bolts to be actually alive. He doesn't have to hate robots forever, he could change his mind later on.

Clay could be a daredevil, he likes danger but he doesn't want to admit it. This is why he thrusts himself into one dangerous situation after another. It's not to do charity work, it's just for the thrill of doing something that really puts him on edge.

Clay could love construction work. It's repetitive to be sure, but it's the good kind of repetitive. He knows that with each task he accomplishes, he gets to build something that will last a long long time. And that makes Clay damn proud of himself.

He could hate knives, well, at least he hates knives being used against him. He's had his fair share of fights with gangsters bringing in knives. Which is why he overreacts sometimes when he sees someone bring in a knife.

Ok, so I'm going to be a bit busy today. Y'know, tending to the others I'm role-playing with — or they'll get nasty with me, always happens. When I'm free, I'll iron out the details and plot info. And include the faction part.

Meh, right now I'm only concerned about a couple of other roleplays. This is so I can pay full attention to them and I can keep the roleplay some company when it counts....

I actually spend a lot of time just waiting for a notification to pop up and then I quickly type up a reply for it.

 

[Elephantom]

And meanwhile, I spend time trying to write posts. Seriously, I'm brushing up my knowledge on both satanism and western settings. Gotta squeeze the true feeling out of them.

And, I seriously appreciate the insight. It'll help a lot in creati- re-creating him.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

And meanwhile, I spend time trying to write posts. Seriously, I'm brushing up my knowledge on both satanism and western settings. Gotta squeeze the true feeling out of them.

And, I seriously appreciate the insight. It'll help a lot in creati- re-creating him.

This is good, this is really good. Finally, someone isn't abandoning their story 'cause of a setback. Instead of giving up, you're now giving more thought to your story so instead of this being Pharoah's Soliloquy 1.0 you're making Pharoah's Soliloquy 2.0!

Well, I'm back here so I can ask more questions. Just tell me if I'm asking you too much so you won't be overwhelmed or if you want me to ask even more questions to give you more things to ponder. I warn you though, my mind's a bit slow today so try to bear with me. Still, I'll try my best to contribute to the story. I just can't bear to see another story die because of inactivity.

Right now, I'm turning my attention to the factions of the city...

Just tell me if you want to ask questions about the characters of the story (if you want to add more or less), the locations of the city (if you want to do a little worldbuilding), or if you want to talk about political beliefs or philosophies or whatever (so we can know more about how people think here).

1. The Collective (This is a faction, right?)​

"Collectivism is the moral stance, political philosophy, ideology, or social outlook that emphasizes the group and its interests. Collectivism is the opposite of individualism. Collectivists focus on communal, societal, or national interests in various types of political, economic and educational systems."

(You know what? Just fucking skip that. It's a pain in the ass to read. It's as fucking dry as a desert, man.)​

Hmm, I'm gonna have to ask more about this Collective of yours. We've got to get to know more about these guys if we wanna make a story about them. The Collective is an economic powerhouse that can kick any foreign market's ass any time of the day. It is also an alliance of military superpowers that can turn nations into dust in little more than a week or a month at most. Almost every corner of the world is just within their reach with the exception of Australia and Japan, and if they really wanted to they could take these countries and assimilate them into the Collective.

We know all that, but we know so little about what the Collective actually stands for.

I have to ask why people founded the Collective. They must have done it for a damn good reason or they've done it because they really believed in something. I currently have a hard time understanding the Collective because I haven't really found out what it really is. I'll try to put the pieces of the puzzles together.

Wait... the Collective seems an awful lot like an... an empire! Yes, a global empire hellbent on seizing all the glory and power. It may have extraordinary amounts of nationalism, and many of their citizens are willing to give their lives for the Collective.

The Collective also seems like a political philosophy, a way to live your life. It encourages you to sacrifice your individual for the sake of the Collective. It is like giving all that you are and all that you ever will be not just for your fellow men but for the entire world. This will be an absolute nightmare if you value your individuality, but it looks sort of idealistic if you aren't hostile to the idea of Collectivism.

But still, I could see things go wrong if you give up EVERYTHING for the Collective without a second thought. I fear that the Collective could turn into something like a cult, where you have to believe in the Collective or burn in hell or something like that.

So there you have it. The Collective is part empire, part political philosophy, and... part religion? Could be. This is only a suggestions so take all of this with a grain of salt.

 

[Historical Storyteller]

Hmm, I got something more to add. Collectivism is the opposite of Individualism, right? Sacrificing yourself for the greater good? Well, Collectivism can go two ways.

The first type of Collectivism emphasizes democracy and equality. Every man would probably have the right to vote on issues and people are less likely to follow authority. It also speaks about cooperating with your community, you know, being a good neighbor to others and all.

Now, the second type of Collectivism would focus on elitism and authority. People tend to have mad respect for authority figures and those at the top will probably be super privileged. There's a strict chain of command, and there's one guy at the top that would represent the people of the Collective.

Since Collectivism could go two ways, I was thinking that we could add two possible factions for the Collective. One could be democratic and the other would be elitist.

(Hah, took me long enough to cook up these posts. It's taken me hours to organize my thoughts.)

 

[Historical Storyteller]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/UsefulNotes/Existentialism
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism

Hmm, time to use some Tvtropes articles....

 

[Elephantom]

Good, good, I'll check these out once I'm free of work. Anyway, I've edited out the second part of the power section.

 

[Elephantom]

We need more suspense here, don't we?

 

[Historical Storyteller]

I'm currently in a rush to research more about the Middle Ages for my Walter character. Plus, I have school... and books... and all.

Hmm, I'll probably post here tomorrow. This time it will be about Atlanta city's thriving black market. Oh, and I have to ask the internet about black markets too.....

 

[Elephantom]

Yes, yes. You're practically the co-GM here.

I mean, you are more productive than my lazy arse.