Error 420
One Thousand Club
In my theater class, we were given an assignment to write a short ten-minute play. Everyone else went #edgy with theirs, but I made a comedy titled The Epic of Gilgamesh. We're going to be producing and performing these soon, so if you want I can post a recording of the performance of it here too. I have done very little editing, spell-checking, ect.
Characters:
Gilgamesh: A Mesopotamian hero, king of Uruk. Very selfish, childlike, petty, aware he is inside a story. Constantly makes threats of the Narrator. Wears very regal robes, with several pieces of jewelry.
Narrator: A dorky, wimpy man or woman with a definite librarian vibe. He/she's reading the story of Gilgamesh, very professional. Likely wearing a tweed blazer, striped shirt, and atrocious tie if man, and a formal dress and blazer if a woman.
Enikudu: A man in tradition armor with the addition of a large top hat and a magic wand.
Unapishtim: An ancient man, it's just Enikudu in an obviously fake grey beard.
Scene 1:
A blank stage, in darkness. A spotlight shines C. Narrator enters SL and stands in the light. He clears his throat, and opens a large book in his possession.
Narrator: Greetings. I am here to tell you of the Epic of Gilgamesh. It all begins in the city of Uruk, in ancient Sumeria. (Lights up, revealing Gilgamesh sitting on a throne Up Right, covered in golden jewelry.) Gilgamesh, or Bilgamesh, was the king of Uruk. He oppressed the people of Sumeria heavily. (Gilgamesh frowns at Narrator, unimpressed. As Narrator continues, Gilgamesh rises and walks over to him/her.) He was well known as a sort of rapist king, often kidnapping women on their wedding nights to have his way with them. He was also accused of murdering children, raising taxes, and…
(At this point, Gilgamesh is standing directly over him/her, and is holding a large blade to their neck. Narrator laughs nervously. Narrator begins again, very very scared, as G lowers his blade.)
Narrator: (Stammering) Wha-wha-what I mean is… He was loved by the people very much because of what a kind and benevolent ruler he was. (This appeases Gilgamesh. He smiles and takes his seat again, lounging royally, nodding his head to the Narrator's praise.) Anyways, a man named Enikudu came one day to stop his oppression-(Catching himself)-Do a magic show? (Enikudu enters, SR, pantomiming magic.) Enikudu and Gilgamesh became best friends. (Enikudu and Gilgamesh have a "bro-hug".)
Narrator: One day, the townspeople were scared of a monster named Humbaba that lived on a mountain outside of town. Enikudu and Gilgamesh went out to kill the beast Humbaba. (Enikudu and Gilgamesh run behind Narrator to SL. They pantomime ridiculously climbing a mountain.) Eventually, they come to Humbaba!
His face is that of a lion. When he looks at someone, it is the look of death. Humbaba's roar is a flood, his mouth is death and his breath is fire! He can hear a hundred leagues away any sound in his forest! (Enikudu and Gilgamesh raise eyebrows at Narrator, shrug.) Bravely, the two friends engage in battle with the monster, Humbaba.
(Enikudu and Gilgamesh pantomime fighting a giant monster as comically as possibly. Gilgamesh engages with pitiful hits and kicks while Enikudu feigns using his wand to cast spells.)
Narrator: Eventually, they defeat Humbaba. (Enikudu and Gilgamesh celebrate.) However, what they didn't know that Humbaba was the thrall of Ishtar, goddess of sex (Gilgamesh and Enikudu high-five) and war. (Gilgamesh and Enikudu make worried looks at eachother.) Ishtar was mad, and sent a giant bull to fight them.
(Spanish Bullfighting music starts playing. Gilgamesh takes off one of his robes, a red one, and begins pantomiming a bullfight. This entertains Enikudu, causing him to begin clapping like a child. He pulls a bag of popcorn from his top hat and begins to eat as the fight progresses.)
Narrator: Gilgamesh eventually defeated the Bull, but at a grave price. Ishtar was still mad and killed Enikudu. (Enikudu begins dramatic death scene, where he drops his bag of popcorn. The death scene is really hammed up. Lots of gasping and moaning, gestures, all while the Ave Maria or Whatcha' Say by Jason Derulo plays, which is abruptly cut off by a phone ringing. Enikudu stops his death scene. Gilgamesh and Narrator glace around, confused. Enikudu reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone. He stands up.)
Enikudu: (Breaking character) Sorry, gotta take this. (He pulls out his phone and begins chatting while walking offstage right. He gets gradually quieter offstage until he is silent. Gilgamesh looks to Narrator and shrugs.)
Narrator: …Okay then… Anyways, Gilgamesh wept for the death of his beloved friend. (Gilgamesh approaches the bag of popcorn, and weeps over it, loudly, drowning out the narrator with sounds of weeping. He picks up the bag sadly, cradling it in his arms.) Gilgamesh was deeply saddened over the loss of his only friend. He suddenly realized how… EXCUSE ME! (Gilgamesh suddenly snaps out of his wailing.) As I was saying, he suddenly realized that he was afraid of dying himself. He decided to set out on a new adventure, to become immortal. He began on this journey seeking Utnapishtim, a man who long ago was granted immortality by the gods. He begins on his journey by heading out into the woods. He comes across a pride of lions. Gilgamesh, a kind and gentle soul with respect for nature, saw these dignified creatures in all their beauty, and so, he brutally killed them in their sleep, tore off their skin, and wore it as a cloak. (Gilgamesh stops pantomiming at "tore off their skin" and makes a concerned look towards the narrator.)
Narrator: (To Gilgamesh) Hey, I didn't write this. (To audience) Anyways, Gilgamesh continued onwards. After a perilous journey, he arrived at Mount Mashu, the mountain at the end of the world. There, he found a giant scorpion man and his wife, who… God, this is boring isn't it? (Gilgamesh nods in agreement.) Uh well, in the mountain is a tunnel that leads to the garden of the gods. Gilgamesh heads down the tunnel and travels through it in 12 "double-hours"… What the heck is a "double-hour?" (Gilgamesh shrugs, and walks up behind the narrator, trying to also read from his book.) That's what it says, he gets through the mountain in 12 "double-hours" and reaches the exit before the sun can. But isn't he in a tunnel? How does he even know where the sun is? Oh, forget this, I'm skipping, let's see, let's see, (Narrator begins flipping back and forth between the book. Eventually Gilgamesh takes it from him and begins doing the same. Dick Van Dyke theme plays.) (To audience) Sorry, just a minute. (Ad-lib bickering between the two, Gilgamesh either A: Only making grunts or B: completely breaking character. Gilgamesh finally settles on a page and points at it proudly. (Song ends) Taking the book from Gilgamesh, Narrator begins reading.) Oh no, this won't do, this is more of the wife raping. Fine, let's just skip to the flood part.
Narrator: Gilgamesh finally arrived at the home of Unapishtim in the garden of the gods. (Enikudu enters SL, wearing an obviously fake grey beard.) Unapishtim was the oldest man on Earth, and was thousands of years old. He told Gilgamesh about how he was granted immortality by the gods after the Great Flood. The Great Flood happened many years ago, where it rained for twelve days and nights. The gods had instructed him to build a boat called "The Preserver of Life." (Unapishtim hands him a life-saver candy.) The gods had instructed him to build a boat out of timber, where the rays of Samash would not enter in, and the boards would be of equal dimensions in both length and width. The boat had a length of 133 cubits, a width of 133 cubits, and oh my god this story is boring. I'm skipping for the last time.
Narrator: Gilgamesh finally found the flower of eternal youth, and was headed back to Uruk. However, when he was in the woods, while he was asleep, a serpent sent by Ishtar came. Uhm, a serpent? (Enikudu/Unapishtim takes off his beard and gets on the ground, half-heartedly hissing. Narrator sighs with disappointment.) The serpent stole his Plant of Heartbeat, which he found at the bottom of the sea. (Enikudu/Unapishtim "slithers" off SR) Gilgamesh was heartbroken, and had to head back to Uruk, alone, his friend dead, his dreams of immortality crushed. (Gilgamesh is upset like this, and pouts and crosses his arms like a small child.) Look, I don't like it either. Not every story can have a happy ending. (Enikudu/Unapishtim does the same.) What? What do you want me to do? Look, it's tragic symmetry: in trying to keep his power, Gilgamesh wound up losing everything he had gained. It's symbolic for- (Enikudu/Unapishtim and Gilgamesh are standing over him/her on either side, intimidating faces.) No. No I'm not changing it. I won't let you have this. I'm telling this story and this is how it ends. (Gilgamesh's sword is quickly drawn at Narrator's throat.)
Narrator: (Scared for his life) What I mean is… Unapishtim told him he could become immortal if… if he… did twelve heroic deeds? (Gilgamesh comes closer to intimidate. Narrator is becoming more desperate.) Bathe in the river Styx? Climb a mountain? Split the Red Sea? (Neither are impressed. They put down their swords and shove the Narrator to the floor, Enikudu taking their book, their glasses, and their jacket for good measure. He puts them on, opens the book, clears his throat and begins speaking in a mock British accent.)
Enikudu: Where were we? Oh yes, Unapishtim had told Gilgamesh that he could not become immortal, so Gilgamesh began beating him up. (Gilgamesh starts kicking Narrator, who screams out things like "Mother the other boys are being mean to me", "I want my mommy", and "I'm not even British".) Then, him "totally whaling" on Unapishtim impressed the gods, who thought it was "radical, dude." The gods gave him immortality, and brought his friend back from dead. (Gilgamesh sweeps his hands, very satisfied with beating the Narrator to a pulp, and smiles.) And… and… and then he got a million dollars! And all girls in Sumeria. And he lived happily ever after.
Narrator: (Struggling to lift themselves up, they speak in a pained, breathy tone.) I wanna go home. (Collapses.)
Enikudu and Gilgamesh: The end. (They bow, walking off Stage Left, leaving the Narrator on the ground, face down, under the spotlight as all other lights fade. The spotlight fades. Blackout.)
IF BOWS ARE DONE: Enikudu and Gilgamesh bow, gesturing to the Narrator on the ground to bow. If possible, Narrator is still on the ground when audience leaves the building.)
Characters:
Gilgamesh: A Mesopotamian hero, king of Uruk. Very selfish, childlike, petty, aware he is inside a story. Constantly makes threats of the Narrator. Wears very regal robes, with several pieces of jewelry.
Narrator: A dorky, wimpy man or woman with a definite librarian vibe. He/she's reading the story of Gilgamesh, very professional. Likely wearing a tweed blazer, striped shirt, and atrocious tie if man, and a formal dress and blazer if a woman.
Enikudu: A man in tradition armor with the addition of a large top hat and a magic wand.
Unapishtim: An ancient man, it's just Enikudu in an obviously fake grey beard.
Scene 1:
A blank stage, in darkness. A spotlight shines C. Narrator enters SL and stands in the light. He clears his throat, and opens a large book in his possession.
Narrator: Greetings. I am here to tell you of the Epic of Gilgamesh. It all begins in the city of Uruk, in ancient Sumeria. (Lights up, revealing Gilgamesh sitting on a throne Up Right, covered in golden jewelry.) Gilgamesh, or Bilgamesh, was the king of Uruk. He oppressed the people of Sumeria heavily. (Gilgamesh frowns at Narrator, unimpressed. As Narrator continues, Gilgamesh rises and walks over to him/her.) He was well known as a sort of rapist king, often kidnapping women on their wedding nights to have his way with them. He was also accused of murdering children, raising taxes, and…
(At this point, Gilgamesh is standing directly over him/her, and is holding a large blade to their neck. Narrator laughs nervously. Narrator begins again, very very scared, as G lowers his blade.)
Narrator: (Stammering) Wha-wha-what I mean is… He was loved by the people very much because of what a kind and benevolent ruler he was. (This appeases Gilgamesh. He smiles and takes his seat again, lounging royally, nodding his head to the Narrator's praise.) Anyways, a man named Enikudu came one day to stop his oppression-(Catching himself)-Do a magic show? (Enikudu enters, SR, pantomiming magic.) Enikudu and Gilgamesh became best friends. (Enikudu and Gilgamesh have a "bro-hug".)
Narrator: One day, the townspeople were scared of a monster named Humbaba that lived on a mountain outside of town. Enikudu and Gilgamesh went out to kill the beast Humbaba. (Enikudu and Gilgamesh run behind Narrator to SL. They pantomime ridiculously climbing a mountain.) Eventually, they come to Humbaba!
His face is that of a lion. When he looks at someone, it is the look of death. Humbaba's roar is a flood, his mouth is death and his breath is fire! He can hear a hundred leagues away any sound in his forest! (Enikudu and Gilgamesh raise eyebrows at Narrator, shrug.) Bravely, the two friends engage in battle with the monster, Humbaba.
(Enikudu and Gilgamesh pantomime fighting a giant monster as comically as possibly. Gilgamesh engages with pitiful hits and kicks while Enikudu feigns using his wand to cast spells.)
Narrator: Eventually, they defeat Humbaba. (Enikudu and Gilgamesh celebrate.) However, what they didn't know that Humbaba was the thrall of Ishtar, goddess of sex (Gilgamesh and Enikudu high-five) and war. (Gilgamesh and Enikudu make worried looks at eachother.) Ishtar was mad, and sent a giant bull to fight them.
(Spanish Bullfighting music starts playing. Gilgamesh takes off one of his robes, a red one, and begins pantomiming a bullfight. This entertains Enikudu, causing him to begin clapping like a child. He pulls a bag of popcorn from his top hat and begins to eat as the fight progresses.)
Narrator: Gilgamesh eventually defeated the Bull, but at a grave price. Ishtar was still mad and killed Enikudu. (Enikudu begins dramatic death scene, where he drops his bag of popcorn. The death scene is really hammed up. Lots of gasping and moaning, gestures, all while the Ave Maria or Whatcha' Say by Jason Derulo plays, which is abruptly cut off by a phone ringing. Enikudu stops his death scene. Gilgamesh and Narrator glace around, confused. Enikudu reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone. He stands up.)
Enikudu: (Breaking character) Sorry, gotta take this. (He pulls out his phone and begins chatting while walking offstage right. He gets gradually quieter offstage until he is silent. Gilgamesh looks to Narrator and shrugs.)
Narrator: …Okay then… Anyways, Gilgamesh wept for the death of his beloved friend. (Gilgamesh approaches the bag of popcorn, and weeps over it, loudly, drowning out the narrator with sounds of weeping. He picks up the bag sadly, cradling it in his arms.) Gilgamesh was deeply saddened over the loss of his only friend. He suddenly realized how… EXCUSE ME! (Gilgamesh suddenly snaps out of his wailing.) As I was saying, he suddenly realized that he was afraid of dying himself. He decided to set out on a new adventure, to become immortal. He began on this journey seeking Utnapishtim, a man who long ago was granted immortality by the gods. He begins on his journey by heading out into the woods. He comes across a pride of lions. Gilgamesh, a kind and gentle soul with respect for nature, saw these dignified creatures in all their beauty, and so, he brutally killed them in their sleep, tore off their skin, and wore it as a cloak. (Gilgamesh stops pantomiming at "tore off their skin" and makes a concerned look towards the narrator.)
Narrator: (To Gilgamesh) Hey, I didn't write this. (To audience) Anyways, Gilgamesh continued onwards. After a perilous journey, he arrived at Mount Mashu, the mountain at the end of the world. There, he found a giant scorpion man and his wife, who… God, this is boring isn't it? (Gilgamesh nods in agreement.) Uh well, in the mountain is a tunnel that leads to the garden of the gods. Gilgamesh heads down the tunnel and travels through it in 12 "double-hours"… What the heck is a "double-hour?" (Gilgamesh shrugs, and walks up behind the narrator, trying to also read from his book.) That's what it says, he gets through the mountain in 12 "double-hours" and reaches the exit before the sun can. But isn't he in a tunnel? How does he even know where the sun is? Oh, forget this, I'm skipping, let's see, let's see, (Narrator begins flipping back and forth between the book. Eventually Gilgamesh takes it from him and begins doing the same. Dick Van Dyke theme plays.) (To audience) Sorry, just a minute. (Ad-lib bickering between the two, Gilgamesh either A: Only making grunts or B: completely breaking character. Gilgamesh finally settles on a page and points at it proudly. (Song ends) Taking the book from Gilgamesh, Narrator begins reading.) Oh no, this won't do, this is more of the wife raping. Fine, let's just skip to the flood part.
Narrator: Gilgamesh finally arrived at the home of Unapishtim in the garden of the gods. (Enikudu enters SL, wearing an obviously fake grey beard.) Unapishtim was the oldest man on Earth, and was thousands of years old. He told Gilgamesh about how he was granted immortality by the gods after the Great Flood. The Great Flood happened many years ago, where it rained for twelve days and nights. The gods had instructed him to build a boat called "The Preserver of Life." (Unapishtim hands him a life-saver candy.) The gods had instructed him to build a boat out of timber, where the rays of Samash would not enter in, and the boards would be of equal dimensions in both length and width. The boat had a length of 133 cubits, a width of 133 cubits, and oh my god this story is boring. I'm skipping for the last time.
Narrator: Gilgamesh finally found the flower of eternal youth, and was headed back to Uruk. However, when he was in the woods, while he was asleep, a serpent sent by Ishtar came. Uhm, a serpent? (Enikudu/Unapishtim takes off his beard and gets on the ground, half-heartedly hissing. Narrator sighs with disappointment.) The serpent stole his Plant of Heartbeat, which he found at the bottom of the sea. (Enikudu/Unapishtim "slithers" off SR) Gilgamesh was heartbroken, and had to head back to Uruk, alone, his friend dead, his dreams of immortality crushed. (Gilgamesh is upset like this, and pouts and crosses his arms like a small child.) Look, I don't like it either. Not every story can have a happy ending. (Enikudu/Unapishtim does the same.) What? What do you want me to do? Look, it's tragic symmetry: in trying to keep his power, Gilgamesh wound up losing everything he had gained. It's symbolic for- (Enikudu/Unapishtim and Gilgamesh are standing over him/her on either side, intimidating faces.) No. No I'm not changing it. I won't let you have this. I'm telling this story and this is how it ends. (Gilgamesh's sword is quickly drawn at Narrator's throat.)
Narrator: (Scared for his life) What I mean is… Unapishtim told him he could become immortal if… if he… did twelve heroic deeds? (Gilgamesh comes closer to intimidate. Narrator is becoming more desperate.) Bathe in the river Styx? Climb a mountain? Split the Red Sea? (Neither are impressed. They put down their swords and shove the Narrator to the floor, Enikudu taking their book, their glasses, and their jacket for good measure. He puts them on, opens the book, clears his throat and begins speaking in a mock British accent.)
Enikudu: Where were we? Oh yes, Unapishtim had told Gilgamesh that he could not become immortal, so Gilgamesh began beating him up. (Gilgamesh starts kicking Narrator, who screams out things like "Mother the other boys are being mean to me", "I want my mommy", and "I'm not even British".) Then, him "totally whaling" on Unapishtim impressed the gods, who thought it was "radical, dude." The gods gave him immortality, and brought his friend back from dead. (Gilgamesh sweeps his hands, very satisfied with beating the Narrator to a pulp, and smiles.) And… and… and then he got a million dollars! And all girls in Sumeria. And he lived happily ever after.
Narrator: (Struggling to lift themselves up, they speak in a pained, breathy tone.) I wanna go home. (Collapses.)
Enikudu and Gilgamesh: The end. (They bow, walking off Stage Left, leaving the Narrator on the ground, face down, under the spotlight as all other lights fade. The spotlight fades. Blackout.)
IF BOWS ARE DONE: Enikudu and Gilgamesh bow, gesturing to the Narrator on the ground to bow. If possible, Narrator is still on the ground when audience leaves the building.)
