Sir Swigglesworth
I got two brain cells fighting for third place
I was once called an asshole and a horrible person for the jokes I make, I just laughed because the person couldn't get out of their wheelchair to do anything.
Other The Dark Humor Thread
- Thread starter The Omen of Death
- Start date
Sir Swigglesworth
I got two brain cells fighting for third place
This just in, there was a severe car crash between two vehicles in Mexico City today, we have reports of 30+ dead.
M O N K E Y
Meta-Magic Eight Ball
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Sir Swigglesworth
I got two brain cells fighting for third place
Columbine's basketball team was never as good as they used to be after that day, they lost their 2 best shooters.
Hardest part of eating a vegetable is the damn wheelchair.
It's hard being a vampire these days, especially in America, why? Because there's hardly any low fat blood anymore.
Hardest part of eating a vegetable is the damn wheelchair.
It's hard being a vampire these days, especially in America, why? Because there's hardly any low fat blood anymore.
xCelestex
SCHOLAR OF FINE FARTS
I hear this one all the time and it gets me every time.
Sir Swigglesworth
I got two brain cells fighting for third place
Glad I could make someone laugh XD
Sir Swigglesworth
I got two brain cells fighting for third place
I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Saying I'm sick makes it sound like there's cure.
I saw a kid getting beaten by 4 guys since he was gay. I decided to go and help, no way he had a chance against all 5 of us.
I saw a kid getting beaten by 4 guys since he was gay. I decided to go and help, no way he had a chance against all 5 of us.
The Omen of Death
My presence has marked your eventual demise.
Latest news: Local Leprosy Awareness Society Fell Apart.
Sir Swigglesworth
I got two brain cells fighting for third place
International Procastination Society has scheduled their board meeting for tomorrow afternoon. On second thought, maybe the day after sounds better.
CaptainCorwin
New Member
What's the best part about a third person shooter? Realizing that you do indeed have psychic powers, that your inner school shooter is sitting right to you. Start your killstreak now!
This just in, the mantra of disability awareness day: break a leg, don't get down.
This just in, the mantra of disability awareness day: break a leg, don't get down.
billthesomething
Four Thousand Club
What do you call a Mormon with only one wife?
Jim
Jim
The Omen of Death
My presence has marked your eventual demise.
"Doctor, I can't sleep at night."
"Take this pill." The Doctor said. "If you wake up in the morning, take another one."
"Take this pill." The Doctor said. "If you wake up in the morning, take another one."
The Omen of Death
My presence has marked your eventual demise.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
M O N K E Y
Meta-Magic Eight Ball
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already.
What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
glitched file
this person has been deleted from the timeline
whats the difference between a jew and a pizza ... the pizza wont screem when you put it in the oven :3
capMARVELOUS
Acclaimed* Light Novel Author Tatami Enjo
How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? Sixty. One to do the actual changing, and fifty-nine to stage a protest because the light it gives off is white.
billthesomething
Four Thousand Club
“It’s very hard to tell if the Queen is unhappy with you. She hasn’t really cracked a smile since Diana died.”
"People seem to constantly say that Steve Jobs died too soon, I don't know about you? But I feel like it's some kind of cosmic irony when we remember the battery life of their products"
"People say there is no good way to die have clearly never heard 'Drug-Fuelled Sex Heart-Attack' "
“If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.”
"I hate racism. I could never be Racist. I haven't finished hating all white people"
“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae.”
Chris Brown: "Serious Tweet: I think skateboarding and break-dancing should be an Olympic sport".
Frankie Boyle: "@chrisbrown Or intergender boxing, you'd be in with a chance of a medal there mate".
Thank you, Frankie Boyle!
And now for Bill Burr!
"There's a critical point when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "Eh, fuck it. Say it, see what happens."
"I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it."
---------------------------------
"People seem to constantly say that Steve Jobs died too soon, I don't know about you? But I feel like it's some kind of cosmic irony when we remember the battery life of their products"
"People say there is no good way to die have clearly never heard 'Drug-Fuelled Sex Heart-Attack' "
“If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.”
"I hate racism. I could never be Racist. I haven't finished hating all white people"
“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae.”
Chris Brown: "Serious Tweet: I think skateboarding and break-dancing should be an Olympic sport".
Frankie Boyle: "@chrisbrown Or intergender boxing, you'd be in with a chance of a medal there mate".
Thank you, Frankie Boyle!
And now for Bill Burr!
"There's a critical point when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "Eh, fuck it. Say it, see what happens."
"I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it."
---------------------------------
2Bornot2B
is the important Question
whats the hardest thing about eating vegetables?
-the wheelchair
what do you call an autistic kid that was hit by a school bus?
-mashed potato
-the wheelchair
what do you call an autistic kid that was hit by a school bus?
-mashed potato
Duckler
a duck
Do you know what the F in Ethiopia stands for? Food.
Corrosion
ur lite fades awey
I have found my true calling at last.
------
A child said to his father, "Dad, I'm hungry."
The father replied, "Hi hungry, I'm Dad!"
The child died of starvation not long after.
------
How do you go everywhere at once? By stepping on a landmine.
------
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
------
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back."
------
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage? I don't know. I just fly the drone.
------
What do snipers feel when shooting people? The recoil.
------
My grandfather told me that my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.
------
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
------
My father has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
------
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
------
What's the difference between a school bus full of orphans and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
------
Why did Hitler kill himself? Because of the gas bill.
------
A child said to his father, "Dad, I'm hungry."
The father replied, "Hi hungry, I'm Dad!"
The child died of starvation not long after.
------
How do you go everywhere at once? By stepping on a landmine.
------
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
------
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back."
------
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage? I don't know. I just fly the drone.
------
What do snipers feel when shooting people? The recoil.
------
My grandfather told me that my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support.
------
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
------
My father has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
------
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
------
What's the difference between a school bus full of orphans and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
------
Why did Hitler kill himself? Because of the gas bill.
Corrosion
ur lite fades awey
If Jesus died for our sin, then who died for our cos and tan?
plant
where am i
what do michelangelo and kurt cobain have in common?
they both painted the ceiling.
they both painted the ceiling.
NerdyNurse_Who
New Member
Totally new here. I had a riot reading these.
This one made me chortle uncontrollably.
This one made me chortle uncontrollably.
NerdyNurse_Who
New Member
In an attempt to revive this thread, because it’s fucking awesome...
NerdyNurse_Who
New Member
While on the subject...
RIP Stephen Hawking, though.
RIP Stephen Hawking, though.
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