The Omen of Death
My presence has marked your eventual demise.
Down in bumhick nowhere, Mexico...
"OH MY LORD AND TAYLOR! FUCK I ALWAYS HATED YOU DR. SALVADOR! YOU LEATHERFACE WANNABE SHIT!" The infamous Merc with the Mouth yelled in pain, as he was being hacked in half brutally by a large chainsaw wielding man.
We interrupt, your regularly scheduled Texas Chainsaw Massacring, for some explanation. It's me your Friendly Neighborhood 4th Wall Breaking merc Deadpool. So err, I'm kind of in a precarious position here, y'know to make a bold start to a bold quest, can't get any publicity that way. No publicity is bad publicity, so errr, expect this to be raunchy, brutal, irreverent, absurd and generally insane... With that out of the way, for those who somehow don't know me or need a bit of recap or generally need to become obsessed comic nerds like all eventually do...
And that's me right there, lookin' like a sweet badass ninja eh?
So, for the uninitiated, (btw welcome to the cult fella's I'll make sure to get a niiiiiicee supple lamb for our satanic sacrifice rituals, it's to die for) I'm a mercenary, but my MO is taking out POS's that are even more POS's than me, and I'm a guy who loves T&A, so I'm mostly an anti-hero, anyway, before that I was a special ops operator and one of the best, but before long, that was left behind and I became a merc, eventually I met one of the many loves of my life, Vanessa, and things were going great until I got the devastating diagnosis of wait for it... 34 cancerous tumors that duh duh duh dah! Were inoperable, and so after giving up all hope and leaving Vanessa, I found the Weapon X program, where I was given Wolverine's genes and gained an impressive healing factor even more powerful than the big bub himself Wolvie! Which means I can heal most things in mere moments and am pretty much unkillable! You're gonna have to completely vaporize me or use a special metal called Carbonadium which can disrupt healing factors! However due to the fact that the healing factor heals at the same rate as my cancer, I'm stuck with the face and bod of Freddy Kreuger's Scrotum.
Quite the stunner ain't I...?
So, after circumstances, I was thrown into the "Workshop" experimented and tortured on yada, yada, yada, but through that, in near death experiences I met the other and main love of my life, Lady Death herself. Oh but alas if only if I could see her again! Oh, and about Vanessa, for you movie only lads, she was actually a mutant known as Copycat who is basically Mystique but can shapeshift on the genetic level! Also, she got brutally murdered by Sabretooth that one time... Oops.
And basically that's all you really need to know, so now lets quit this circlejerking of my backstory and get to the exposition of what the fuck is going on! Oh yeah, I also carry two pistols and two Katana's, also a sweet teleporter given to me by Cable! But don't worry about him right now!
...
Earlier that day...
"So you're telling me, you want me to take out El Chapo's father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate, El Pequeno? Does that even make them related?!?" Deadpool asked, trying to wrap his head around their relation to each other. Speaking to the man giving him the contract, na-(Stop stalling! No one cares about his identity!)
"That is correct. The semantics of if they are related have no matter, as he runs his own cartel and is backed by a lot of security, but it should be just fine for you. And as you know your payment will be in the form of bitcoin. 700 to be precise." The man very simply stated.
Just then an alert came on Deadpool's phone which he checked and his eyes widened as he saw it. "How the... It dropped that much, I went from Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean to…Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. The ride." To which he pinched his nose in frustration. "You know what, this ain't worth it, I'm out, I'd rather be jackin' llamas from 11 year olds." He said callously not knowing the crowd, "Fortnite, hello?" But it then dawned on him what he actually said. "Oh! “Jackin’ llama’s from eleven year olds” sounds awful. That’s not what I’m sayin’. I’m not Tekashi69." Deadpool quipped before, another alert came in.
"HOLY JEFF BEZOS!" And with comedic sincerity Deadpool proclaimed. "The man is good as dead."
...
Later that day outside El Pequeno's compound...
Looming out from a concealed position, Deadpool finished observing the compound he was going to attack, to which he came to the simple conclusion he was just going to go in with a bang, there was a wall he'd have to get through though. "Oh boy, here I go killing again!" He proclaimed, before preparing to charge down to the compound, before he could start however, another alert went off on his phone. "Jesus. This isn’t worth my time again." Before it went off yet again. "JE-SUS! This would be the worst contract I've ever taken!" Yet it would alert again, "Yep, it's killing time."
Deadpool, finally began making his way down the hill, his pistols drawn, quickly taking out sentries that were roaming around, but ended up alerting the entire complex. "Haha... Hoo boy..."
He placed a block of C4 on the entrance of the wall to the complex, and watched it blow as the walls came down, "It's your time little sluggers, who wants to take a shot at me!" As he charged in he saw a good amount of goons, and blasted them before they had a chance to shoot, with clean headshots. Deadpool then teleported behind one of them katana in hand quipping "Nothing personnel kid." Before slicing the goon in half, blood, viscera and gore being left at his midsection. "Sorry you had to split."
Two more shoot at Deadpool, while Deadpool dodges the bullets, and cuts the two up, leaving limbs and more streams of crimson in his wake. "I see you're dancing, but can I cut in?"
A yell came from behind and Deadpool turned around to see one of them wielding a hunting knife, stabbing the merc, while Deadpool quickly countered, by slicing him from groin to head. "Save me a slice."
There was one more in the general vicinity, who held a rocket launcher, but before he could blast Deadpool, he tossed his katana, and decapitated him, and the rocket ends up shooting into the sky. "White guys give the best... head?" Deadpool quipped awkwardly, as he wasn't completely sure how to make a pun there.
A voice piped up afterwards. "No mas... No mas... You are killing me with the puns..." in broken English.
"At least someone here has a sense of humor!" Before he would shoot the cartel member who said that's head, killing him, adding a dark twist to that pun. "Yeah these puns are pretty killer." Deadpool quipped to himself before a bullet shot him in the jaw, breaking it, knocking the jaw out of place, and knocking teeth out. After a bit of a yelp in pain, he grabbed the broken jaw, and snapped it back into place, before admitting. "Damn, their comedic timing isn't lost on them either, that would've killed me were I a normal man..."
And ever so casually, as if there wasn't a mess of blood, viscera and gore everywhere, his phone alerted him again, and pulling out his phone Deadpool became giddy like a high school girl meeting their idol bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet, letting out an audible "Oooooh!" before the sound of a chainsaw ruined his parade.
"Motherfuc-" Was his last words.
...
The Present, which is literally seconds after Deadpool began to get chainsawed in half.
"And now we're all caught up! So players... GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING SITUATION!"
1. Resign yourself to your fate and get chopped in half (Why the hell is the first choice making me get cut in half?!? I mean I'll survive but still! Bad choice don't do this!)
2. Quickly bamf yourself a bit away from the chainsaw wielding maniac and recuperate and by recuperate, make sure you can heal and not be at risk of being chopped in half by this tool and plot how to brutally murder this fucker. (Useless marvel trivia fact, bamf is the sound Nightcrawler makes when he teleports, so we mean to teleport here folks.)
3. Shoot this guys skull into next week! (Oooh nice, but sounds painless for a guy literally chopping us in half...)
4. Chop this fools head off (More katana action niiice)
5. Write in (After having been suggested for the longest time! it's finally happening, you can finally react the way you want if no answer satisfies you, you can determine what I say and what I do! Have fun, go wild! Most options nowadays will have what I say on top of what he does to let you influence the humor, just not here since this took so long and the writer needed to just get this post done.)
(
ViciousVip3R
Pryno
Historical Storyteller
Felis
D
duegxybus
Gundam Watcher 27
The day is finally upon us! It is finally done! I again TRULY APOLOGIZE SINCERELY for the long wait for this, I really hope the wait was worth it! It has been a while since I have done Deadpool so again, he may not be truly IC, let me know what you thought! I used this as an opportunity to also improve my writing of him so as long as its constructive I will listen! Let's have some fun people! And thank you again for the support!)
"OH MY LORD AND TAYLOR! FUCK I ALWAYS HATED YOU DR. SALVADOR! YOU LEATHERFACE WANNABE SHIT!" The infamous Merc with the Mouth yelled in pain, as he was being hacked in half brutally by a large chainsaw wielding man.
We interrupt, your regularly scheduled Texas Chainsaw Massacring, for some explanation. It's me your Friendly Neighborhood 4th Wall Breaking merc Deadpool. So err, I'm kind of in a precarious position here, y'know to make a bold start to a bold quest, can't get any publicity that way. No publicity is bad publicity, so errr, expect this to be raunchy, brutal, irreverent, absurd and generally insane... With that out of the way, for those who somehow don't know me or need a bit of recap or generally need to become obsessed comic nerds like all eventually do...
The name's Deadpool, real name's Wade Wilson,
And that's me right there, lookin' like a sweet badass ninja eh?
So, for the uninitiated, (btw welcome to the cult fella's I'll make sure to get a niiiiiicee supple lamb for our satanic sacrifice rituals, it's to die for) I'm a mercenary, but my MO is taking out POS's that are even more POS's than me, and I'm a guy who loves T&A, so I'm mostly an anti-hero, anyway, before that I was a special ops operator and one of the best, but before long, that was left behind and I became a merc, eventually I met one of the many loves of my life, Vanessa, and things were going great until I got the devastating diagnosis of wait for it... 34 cancerous tumors that duh duh duh dah! Were inoperable, and so after giving up all hope and leaving Vanessa, I found the Weapon X program, where I was given Wolverine's genes and gained an impressive healing factor even more powerful than the big bub himself Wolvie! Which means I can heal most things in mere moments and am pretty much unkillable! You're gonna have to completely vaporize me or use a special metal called Carbonadium which can disrupt healing factors! However due to the fact that the healing factor heals at the same rate as my cancer, I'm stuck with the face and bod of Freddy Kreuger's Scrotum.
Quite the stunner ain't I...?
So, after circumstances, I was thrown into the "Workshop" experimented and tortured on yada, yada, yada, but through that, in near death experiences I met the other and main love of my life, Lady Death herself. Oh but alas if only if I could see her again! Oh, and about Vanessa, for you movie only lads, she was actually a mutant known as Copycat who is basically Mystique but can shapeshift on the genetic level! Also, she got brutally murdered by Sabretooth that one time... Oops.
And basically that's all you really need to know, so now lets quit this circlejerking of my backstory and get to the exposition of what the fuck is going on! Oh yeah, I also carry two pistols and two Katana's, also a sweet teleporter given to me by Cable! But don't worry about him right now!
...
Earlier that day...
"So you're telling me, you want me to take out El Chapo's father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate, El Pequeno? Does that even make them related?!?" Deadpool asked, trying to wrap his head around their relation to each other. Speaking to the man giving him the contract, na-(Stop stalling! No one cares about his identity!)
"That is correct. The semantics of if they are related have no matter, as he runs his own cartel and is backed by a lot of security, but it should be just fine for you. And as you know your payment will be in the form of bitcoin. 700 to be precise." The man very simply stated.
Just then an alert came on Deadpool's phone which he checked and his eyes widened as he saw it. "How the... It dropped that much, I went from Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean to…Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. The ride." To which he pinched his nose in frustration. "You know what, this ain't worth it, I'm out, I'd rather be jackin' llamas from 11 year olds." He said callously not knowing the crowd, "Fortnite, hello?" But it then dawned on him what he actually said. "Oh! “Jackin’ llama’s from eleven year olds” sounds awful. That’s not what I’m sayin’. I’m not Tekashi69." Deadpool quipped before, another alert came in.
"HOLY JEFF BEZOS!" And with comedic sincerity Deadpool proclaimed. "The man is good as dead."
...
Later that day outside El Pequeno's compound...
Looming out from a concealed position, Deadpool finished observing the compound he was going to attack, to which he came to the simple conclusion he was just going to go in with a bang, there was a wall he'd have to get through though. "Oh boy, here I go killing again!" He proclaimed, before preparing to charge down to the compound, before he could start however, another alert went off on his phone. "Jesus. This isn’t worth my time again." Before it went off yet again. "JE-SUS! This would be the worst contract I've ever taken!" Yet it would alert again, "Yep, it's killing time."
Deadpool, finally began making his way down the hill, his pistols drawn, quickly taking out sentries that were roaming around, but ended up alerting the entire complex. "Haha... Hoo boy..."
He placed a block of C4 on the entrance of the wall to the complex, and watched it blow as the walls came down, "It's your time little sluggers, who wants to take a shot at me!" As he charged in he saw a good amount of goons, and blasted them before they had a chance to shoot, with clean headshots. Deadpool then teleported behind one of them katana in hand quipping "Nothing personnel kid." Before slicing the goon in half, blood, viscera and gore being left at his midsection. "Sorry you had to split."
Two more shoot at Deadpool, while Deadpool dodges the bullets, and cuts the two up, leaving limbs and more streams of crimson in his wake. "I see you're dancing, but can I cut in?"
A yell came from behind and Deadpool turned around to see one of them wielding a hunting knife, stabbing the merc, while Deadpool quickly countered, by slicing him from groin to head. "Save me a slice."
There was one more in the general vicinity, who held a rocket launcher, but before he could blast Deadpool, he tossed his katana, and decapitated him, and the rocket ends up shooting into the sky. "White guys give the best... head?" Deadpool quipped awkwardly, as he wasn't completely sure how to make a pun there.
A voice piped up afterwards. "No mas... No mas... You are killing me with the puns..." in broken English.
"At least someone here has a sense of humor!" Before he would shoot the cartel member who said that's head, killing him, adding a dark twist to that pun. "Yeah these puns are pretty killer." Deadpool quipped to himself before a bullet shot him in the jaw, breaking it, knocking the jaw out of place, and knocking teeth out. After a bit of a yelp in pain, he grabbed the broken jaw, and snapped it back into place, before admitting. "Damn, their comedic timing isn't lost on them either, that would've killed me were I a normal man..."
And ever so casually, as if there wasn't a mess of blood, viscera and gore everywhere, his phone alerted him again, and pulling out his phone Deadpool became giddy like a high school girl meeting their idol bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet, letting out an audible "Oooooh!" before the sound of a chainsaw ruined his parade.
"Motherfuc-" Was his last words.
...
The Present, which is literally seconds after Deadpool began to get chainsawed in half.
"And now we're all caught up! So players... GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING SITUATION!"
1. Resign yourself to your fate and get chopped in half (Why the hell is the first choice making me get cut in half?!? I mean I'll survive but still! Bad choice don't do this!)
2. Quickly bamf yourself a bit away from the chainsaw wielding maniac and recuperate and by recuperate, make sure you can heal and not be at risk of being chopped in half by this tool and plot how to brutally murder this fucker. (Useless marvel trivia fact, bamf is the sound Nightcrawler makes when he teleports, so we mean to teleport here folks.)
3. Shoot this guys skull into next week! (Oooh nice, but sounds painless for a guy literally chopping us in half...)
4. Chop this fools head off (More katana action niiice)
5. Write in (After having been suggested for the longest time! it's finally happening, you can finally react the way you want if no answer satisfies you, you can determine what I say and what I do! Have fun, go wild! Most options nowadays will have what I say on top of what he does to let you influence the humor, just not here since this took so long and the writer needed to just get this post done.)
(
ViciousVip3R
Pryno
Historical Storyteller
Felis
D
duegxybus
Gundam Watcher 27
The day is finally upon us! It is finally done! I again TRULY APOLOGIZE SINCERELY for the long wait for this, I really hope the wait was worth it! It has been a while since I have done Deadpool so again, he may not be truly IC, let me know what you thought! I used this as an opportunity to also improve my writing of him so as long as its constructive I will listen! Let's have some fun people! And thank you again for the support!)
