Journal Surgess journal!

[Nokumi]

Hi... This is new to me sharing uhm...journal stuff... But I'd like to put myself out there. Maybe get some opinions... Some feed back... Other point of views on my situations.... So don't be afraid to post! And uhm...maybe share the good moments in my recently better life with everyone?


I'm gonna start off with this... I have had a rough rough life despite being only 19... When I was born my mother was only 14 and I know now I was....a mistake.... I was unplanned and not only that but my father was a 47 year old man who only had sex with my mom because she was cute and under aged. My mom only agreed for the drugs he offered her. She was a drug addict and well when I was around she was abusive to me. I found out every time I cried she hit me... She never changed me and I had to go to the hospital for rashes... I was taken away from her 4 times 3 of which authority gave me back to her... And by the time I was 2 years old I was learning how to roll her dough for her to smoke later. Probably why I have the weird habit of twirling anything thin and paper like... Or even twirling pencils in my hand... The 4th time I was taken it was more like she gave up and gave me to my grandma and my grandma couldn't care for me so she gave me to an adoption place where I was adopted by my current family. Now I'm going off memory from here on out. My dad worked nights and my mom worked during the day. I had a brother older than me by 6 years. I was basically neglected and forced to play by myself all the time. Mom was too busy and dad was sleeping my brother didn't want to play with girl toys or a little girl playing with his special toys in the chance it might break. Mom too busy to pay attention so brother looked after me.... I felt unwanted... So I turned to the only thing I knew how to get attention. Mischief and get in trouble. It was also the only time I saw my dad was when I was in trouble. Cuz I was sent to mom and dads bedroom to sleep with my dad. He picked me up and placed me on the very tall high bed and layed back down. I started to get in trouble every day! I didn't regret it either. Fast foward a bit I started to see my dad more. It was when I was allowed to stay up later. Movies every night with my dad and brother and mom! One I remembered the most clearly was the very first pirates of the caribbean movie! I don't know if my dad has had it for a while at that point or not but we watched it together and now its my favorite movie series of all time! Other than the second movie me and dad used to watch. IP man. Also my favorite movie series of all time. Those two are tied. But soon my parents got divorced and I was only like 8! I took it hard and I didn't know what divorce was and I didn't understand. My brother was crying and I was confused so my dad had to explain to me. And I broke down! Screaming and crying loudly. I was a very very loud cry-er. That's when shit started to get real! I soon found out how manipulative and mean my mom was! She put me down a lot called me names told me I would never be able to achieve the dreams I told her. I told her I wanted to be a artist when I grow up and she said "you'll never make it... Haven't you heard of the starving artist? You'll be one! Its unrealistic!" Every dream I told her she shot me down! Never supportive! I started having break downs melt downs panic attacks all sorts of stuff! Eventually me and my mom fought so much that a argument was our normal conversation. That's all we talked to each other was yelling and anger. Never a good conversation. My mom insulted all of who I am. She often told me I look like a homeless person or a drug addict because I dressed like a boy. When I told her I would totally date a girl but also a boy and I didn't care which. She started making fun of me pointing at a girl on TV during a lesbian sex scene "hey! Why don't you take a picture? Since you'll be carpet munching soon!" Then laughing at me... During my therapy sessions my mom stood right next to me and was always in the room correcting everything I say to my therapist. Never letting me say how I feel or my side of the story. She did the same thing when she called my dad when I got in trouble. Correcting me... My dad even told people how manipulative she was and everyone who my dad showed the text to or got to know me knew how much a crazy person my mom was.... It got to the point I couldn't stand up for myself anymore and started going to bed at 8:00 every night and sleeping until noon the next day if not later and avoiding my mom.

I live with my dad now and she's trying to manipulate me to moving back in with her. Giving me the guilt trip and pulling "I saved your life by adopting you!" Card.

 

[Nokumi]

Me and my dad spent the day together.... It was great! My dad usually hates shopping but he takes me shopping anyways because he knows how much I like to look around stores... So today we drove to one of my favorite stores which took us half the day to get there... And that's a big deal considering the gas prices in my area right now. Its like a collectors store for people who like anime! Its called "rainy day anime" I suggests you check it out they got so many cool anime stuff there! They got anime pillows and plushies! Japanese erasers in the shape of animals and food. They got figurines and models. Even the japanese soda pop! And a bunch of other things. Fair warning its super expensive. But totally worth it! Just be prepared to spend a hundred dollars for a hand full of stuff. Erasers are 5 dollars a pack and sometimes one dollar. Mask are 5 dollars pillows are 50 dollars. Some figurines are 50-167 dollars. But anyways. I enjoyed just browsing around and looking at all the cool stuff. I had fun with my dad today.

 

[Nokumi]

Went to boondocks today with my dad. It was great! We got to do mini golf! Some arcade games! And GO KARTS! I went so fast around the track! I was like ZOOM NRRRRROOOOOM ZOOM! Heh heh... I passed a few people made a couple skid marks on the track cuz I didn't slow down when making those turns. But! I DIDN'T CRASH THE CART THIS TIME! Instead my dad crashed. HAH! H.... Worse part is I didn't even pass him when he crashed! He was too far ahead so he got moving again before I could reach him! Uhg! Is my dad good at everything?!?! I can't seem to beat him at anything! I can't beat him at bowling! Mini golf! Or racing! Not even wrestling!!!!!

All and all I had fun.

 

[Nokumi]

disaster. disaster! DISASTER!!!! *sniffles* i hafto visit my mom FOR THREE MONTHS!!! don't get me wrong I love my mom! Its just she's a psychopath! ☝Manipulative ✌and mentally abusive. Not to mention she's never been supportive! Always complaining and nagging about every tiny thing about myself and insulting who I am!!! And i hafto go the entire three months WITHOUT RP NATION!!! STARTING NOVEMBER 19!!!!!

 

[The Great Sage]

Are you able to get a library card and use the computers at your local library?

 

[Nokumi]

Are you able to get a library card and use the computers at your local library?

I'm scared to go to the library because I accidentally stole a book and never returned it... Cuz I forgot I had of then found it years later and panicked and ripped off every evidence that it belonged to the library... Also I can't drive yet..

 

[Nokumi]

Okay so I been having two types of feelings lately.

You know that feeling when someone is talking to you and then they say something that usually requires a response but your too lazy to actually say something and open your mouth so you just make a him, Grunt kind of noise like "mhm" or just don't say anything at all? That's one I been feeling but I feel so bad because I feel like its disrespectful even though I just don't have the energy.

You know that feeling you ask you parents for something or to do something and they say no...but it just makes you wanna do it more... Ya I been feeling like that...

Anyone else feeling that way for either one?

 

[Nokumi]

Hello again readers! I have returned from a visit from my mom. I been back for a little more than a week now... The same ol same ol with my mom. Except it seems to be getting worse. Now she's telling lies to my dad. I cleaned my room and bathroom before I left but today she told my dad my rooms a mess and she and I quote "found dirty clothes in surgess closet that smell like expired food and sweat" (surgess isn't my real name but I'm not giving away my real name) even tho that's not true because I wash my clothes and cleaned my room. She's doing anything and everything she can to drag me back to her place. Weather that's trying to ruin my relationship with my dad or chip away at my self esteem.
She decided to be a bitch the moment I got back to my dads. She blocked everything on my phone just because she can (she has a parent controle app on my phone despite me being 19!! And I bought that phone with MY MONEY) and I know I can't do anything about it cuz police don't have time for such things with the bigger problems they hafto deal with. When I say everything I mean everything! She blocked my calander. My notes app. Text messages. I COULDN'T EVEN SEND MY DAD A MESSAGE LIKE WHAT IF IT WAS A EMERGENCY?!. MY PHOTOS! IMPORTANT PHOTOS that I thought I lost forever because my mom was being a bitch and saying she was gonna keep my phone like that permanently. Luckily my dad tricked her into unlocking my phone to give me enough time to send him the pictures that I couldn't bare to lose. Pictures of pets that passed away. Pictures of family I haven't seen or heard from in years. And most importantly pictures of my brother. And pictures of my grandpa G posing with my dad on a train to a rockies game. Now its only a matter of time before she locks my phone again.

 

[Nokumi]

Let's talk movies! And anime

Hands down only two movies make my list of favorites and they both tie for #1.

Pirates of the Caribbean!
And
IP MAN

God those are movie legends! Jack sparrow the best comic relief! Not just that but its a great SciFi! Sorta. Pirates were real but nothing in the pirates of the Caribbean actually happened. You know what I mean.

IP man? He was the man WHO TRAINED BRUCE LEE! Like cmon he was a real person and this movie series was about HIS LIFE! He lived a life i dream! Sure it was probably horrible and painful BUT DAM IT LOOKS EXCITING!!! You always have that adrenaline! Now you get arrested for flicking someone nose. Uhg.

The reason I love these movies is more than just their amazing scenes and great imagery. It has sentimental value to me too. Despite only being 19 and pretty young. I remember watching the first pirates of the Caribbean with my dad when i was 7. My dad owned the movie and it was 2009. My first movie ever with my dad. Since my dad usually slept during the day and worked night. It was the first night I was allowed to stay up later than my usual bed time. The first time I saw my dad without getting into trouble. As I got older pirates of the Caribbean became the go to movie my dad and I watched together. And when I turned 12 me and my dad watched IP man and so those movies are now my all time favorite because of it.

 

[Nokumi]

Anime. Its a topic that I love!

Hunter X hunter
Seven deadly sins
Dragon ball super
Naruto
Inuyasha
And so on

But my mom for the longest time forbid me from watching it, drawing it and anything related to it. Now I'm trying to play catch up. IT was super hard to try and sneak watch anime without my mom noticing or finding out.

 

[Nokumi]

Pardon my foul language but

I FUCKING HATE MOVIE PRODUCERS SOMETIMES!!!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean is a franchise AL ABOUT JACK SPARROW jack sparrow is the main character. Always has been and always SHOULD! But they are making a 6th movie AND JACK SPARROW ISNT IN IT!!!! Bloody hell they are destroying the franchise!!!

My opinion: pirates of the Caribbean is not the same without jack sparrow and if you aren't gonna put him in the 6th movie DONT FUCKING MAKE THE 6TH MOVIE!!!!

IF THEY DONT PUT JACK SPARROW IN IT IM NOT GONNA WATCH IT! ILL STICK TO THE FIRST 5 AND LEAVE IT AT THAT! I'm sure a lot of people agree with me that potc won't be the same and therefore won't be worth watching. If you agree smash that heart response. If you disagree smash the cookie response or if you read this but don't wanna say what side your on smash the pen response aka well written

FUCK YOU PRODUCERS!!!

 

[Nokumi]

Update. Data log 12. As a fanticy craving person who itches to escape the real world because of how AWFUL it is. All the heart break, death, pain, suffering and bull shit we deal with. I constantly dream and wish movies had some real truth to it. Especially ones that just make life seem more interesting.

I'm a star trek fan and I LOVE Klingons! And androids! Like commander data and lieutenant WARF. I wish I was either a Klingon or a android. I also like thier holideck. A computerized room that puts you in a world, time or place what ever you program it to. It feels sounds and seems real! I wish that was possible. I could put myself on another planet program myself to be queen or ruler and dream of what ever I want! I could put myself as a criminal or put myself in any franchise I want. Hell of we were so high tech and advanced with a holideck I COULD PUT MYSELF IN STAR TREK! no more VR head sets and wires and stuff I JUST NEED A ROOM!

 

[Nokumi]

One of my favorite sayings is something I've heard time and time again.

Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.

Sounds simple right? You would figure with so many people saying it and well. Its basically said every year in every history class from middle school to collage. Even said in movies and documentary's. That we would finally learn to remember history. Yet we don't. We continue to make the same mistakes. Why?.

For instance... Take war as a example. It causes nothing but heart ache, pain and sends many young people to an early grave. On top of that what does it solve? What's the point of war if were just going to start another one?

I've come to the conclusion from....a unfortunate event I wish to not name... That some people chose not to learn from mistakes... And are drawn to violence, manipulation... And other acts of inhumane deeds to get what they want no matter the cost. Even at the expense of others.

Which leads me to believe.... (Inconclusive)

 

[Nokumi]

Data log 14

Here's to the new generation. The generation of the early 2000s. The under dogs- miss understood and dealing with a lot of bull shit from the generation from 50 years ago. (Some not all) because were gay- bi or other things, cuz were emo or goth. Cuz we like anime or video games- because we like to talk to complete strangers on the internet despite the risk- and will do anything to roleplay- because we dress up in bazar costumes. And go to gatherings with many other people in even more bazaar costumes.

Heck we might not be the only generation who does this- there might be some from before us. And there most certainly will be more after us. But from my experience. And from Tue things I've heard and witnessed from friends- parents who are around 50 years old don't understand us- they don't wanna try either. Its so much easier to critize and get mad....so much easier to make us feel bad about it...

When ever I meet a parent, who is around 50 and has kids like me. Weather younger or my age. And they actually accept their kids and are encouraging.... I feel jealous.... My mom... She hates everything I have turned out to be, bi sexual, goth, anime lover, gamer, roleplayer and larp er. She hates everything about me. And yet she says she loves me. But doesn't show it. My dad- god I love my dad. He's much nicer than my mom- he accepts me being bi sexual- anime lover- gamer (mainly cuz he's a gamer himself) and a larp er. He doesn't accept roleplay online with strangers- and he somewhat accepts goth. Hesitantly but anough for me to be me.

But as I stated before I ones lived with my mom, only recently having moved in with my dad. I dealt with so much criticism...

I don't know what my religion is. All I know is I believe in ghost- and reincarnation. Because I seen a ghost with my own eyes. But that's for a different data log- anyway. When I told my mom I'm not sure I believe in Jesus- or god she got mad and asked me if I was an atheist. And I told her. I didn't know. She said 'what do you mean you don't know?! Your 17!! GROW UP AND KNOW!' Then I told her that there was people in their 70's who still don't know. And she flipped her lid. I wanted so bad to tell her 'looks like your the one who needs to grow up' but I was too scared to...

 

[Nokumi]

Data log 15

Alright you wanna know about the time I saw a ghost with my own 2 eyes do ya? Fine.

I was skeptical about ghost. I always watched the ghost shows on TV like ghost hunters and stuff like that. All these fancy gadgets and weird stuff. And being skeptical probably came from having schizophrenia. Which means I see and hear things already that aren't really there. One night I had a feeling I never felt before. I was sleeping but I felt like I was.... Being watched. So I opened my eyes and saw a man standing at the end of my bed clear as day. And weird stuff always happened at the house. Lights turning on when I swore I shut them off. Things falling over in the dead of night. But actually seeing a humanoid that wasn't a demon or freakie creature or faceless person or person with void for eyes freaked me the hell out. I actually for a split second thought someone broke in. But then the person faded. So I thought to myself..... Must be my schizophrenia acting up again.... And went back to sleep. But the next day.... I had the urge to tell my dad and his girlfriend at the time. I gave them detail of what I saw and how the man looked. And my dads girlfriend glanced at my dad and said "you know who that sounds like right?"
In which my dad replied "pa?"

I was looking at them like what? Before my dads girlfriend got up and grabbed a picture from who knows where and showed me. "Is this who you saw?" I was in complete shock. IT WAS THE GUY I SAW AT THE END OF MY BED! Keep in mind this picture was in her closet. She's never talked about him around me nor has she ever showed me q picture of him. Apparently her grandpa died when she was a kid and has been fallowing her from house to house to protect her. I legitimately felt horrified.