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Shigume -surgess-

The innocent is always the first to fall
Hi... This is new to me sharing uhm...journal stuff... But I'd like to put myself out there. Maybe get some opinions... Some feed back... Other point of views on my situations.... So don't be afraid to post! And uhm...maybe share the good moments in my recently better life with everyone?


I'm gonna start off with this... I have had a rough rough life despite being only 19... When I was born my mother was only 14 and I know now I was....a mistake.... I was unplanned and not only that but my father was a 47 year old man who only had sex with my mom because she was cute and under aged. My mom only agreed for the drugs he offered her. She was a drug addict and well when I was around she was abusive to me. I found out every time I cried she hit me... She never changed me and I had to go to the hospital for rashes... I was taken away from her 4 times 3 of which authority gave me back to her... And by the time I was 2 years old I was learning how to roll her dough for her to smoke later. Probably why I have the weird habit of twirling anything thin and paper like... Or even twirling pencils in my hand... The 4th time I was taken it was more like she gave up and gave me to my grandma and my grandma couldn't care for me so she gave me to an adoption place where I was adopted by my current family. Now I'm going off memory from here on out. My dad worked nights and my mom worked during the day. I had a brother older than me by 6 years. I was basically neglected and forced to play by myself all the time. Mom was too busy and dad was sleeping my brother didn't want to play with girl toys or a little girl playing with his special toys in the chance it might break. Mom too busy to pay attention so brother looked after me.... I felt unwanted... So I turned to the only thing I knew how to get attention. Mischief and get in trouble. It was also the only time I saw my dad was when I was in trouble. Cuz I was sent to mom and dads bedroom to sleep with my dad. He picked me up and placed me on the very tall high bed and layed back down. I started to get in trouble every day! I didn't regret it either. Fast foward a bit I started to see my dad more. It was when I was allowed to stay up later. Movies every night with my dad and brother and mom! One I remembered the most clearly was the very first pirates of the caribbean movie! I don't know if my dad has had it for a while at that point or not but we watched it together and now its my favorite movie series of all time! Other than the second movie me and dad used to watch. IP man. Also my favorite movie series of all time. Those two are tied. But soon my parents got divorced and I was only like 8! I took it hard and I didn't know what divorce was and I didn't understand. My brother was crying and I was confused so my dad had to explain to me. And I broke down! Screaming and crying loudly. I was a very very loud cry-er. That's when shit started to get real! I soon found out how manipulative and mean my mom was! She put me down a lot called me names told me I would never be able to achieve the dreams I told her. I told her I wanted to be a artist when I grow up and she said "you'll never make it... Haven't you heard of the starving artist? You'll be one! Its unrealistic!" Every dream I told her she shot me down! Never supportive! I started having break downs melt downs panic attacks all sorts of stuff! Eventually me and my mom fought so much that a argument was our normal conversation. That's all we talked to each other was yelling and anger. Never a good conversation. My mom insulted all of who I am. She often told me I look like a homeless person or a drug addict because I dressed like a boy. When I told her I would totally date a girl but also a boy and I didn't care which. She started making fun of me pointing at a girl on TV during a lesbian sex scene "hey! Why don't you take a picture? Since you'll be carpet munching soon!" Then laughing at me... During my therapy sessions my mom stood right next to me and was always in the room correcting everything I say to my therapist. Never letting me say how I feel or my side of the story. She did the same thing when she called my dad when I got in trouble. Correcting me... My dad even told people how manipulative she was and everyone who my dad showed the text to or got to know me knew how much a crazy person my mom was.... It got to the point I couldn't stand up for myself anymore and started going to bed at 8:00 every night and sleeping until noon the next day if not later and avoiding my mom.

I live with my dad now and she's trying to manipulate me to moving back in with her. Giving me the guilt trip and pulling "I saved your life by adopting you!" Card.
 

Shigume -surgess-

The innocent is always the first to fall
Me and my dad spent the day together.... It was great! My dad usually hates shopping but he takes me shopping anyways because he knows how much I like to look around stores... So today we drove to one of my favorite stores which took us half the day to get there... And that's a big deal considering the gas prices in my area right now. Its like a collectors store for people who like anime! Its called "rainy day anime" I suggests you check it out they got so many cool anime stuff there! They got anime pillows and plushies! Japanese erasers in the shape of animals and food. They got figurines and models. Even the japanese soda pop! And a bunch of other things. Fair warning its super expensive. But totally worth it! Just be prepared to spend a hundred dollars for a hand full of stuff. Erasers are 5 dollars a pack and sometimes one dollar. Mask are 5 dollars pillows are 50 dollars. Some figurines are 50-167 dollars. But anyways. I enjoyed just browsing around and looking at all the cool stuff. I had fun with my dad today.
 

Shigume -surgess-

The innocent is always the first to fall
Went to boondocks today with my dad. It was great! We got to do mini golf! Some arcade games! And GO KARTS! I went so fast around the track! I was like ZOOM NRRRRROOOOOM ZOOM! Heh heh... I passed a few people made a couple skid marks on the track cuz I didn't slow down when making those turns. But! I DIDN'T CRASH THE CART THIS TIME! Instead my dad crashed. HAH! H.... Worse part is I didn't even pass him when he crashed! He was too far ahead so he got moving again before I could reach him! Uhg! Is my dad good at everything?!?! I can't seem to beat him at anything! I can't beat him at bowling! Mini golf! Or racing! Not even wrestling!!!!!

All and all I had fun.
 

Shigume -surgess-

The innocent is always the first to fall
disaster. disaster! DISASTER!!!! *sniffles* i hafto visit my mom FOR THREE MONTHS!!! don't get me wrong I love my mom! Its just she's a psychopath! ☝Manipulative ✌and mentally abusive. Not to mention she's never been supportive! Always complaining and nagging about every tiny thing about myself and insulting who I am!!! And i hafto go the entire three months WITHOUT RP NATION!!! STARTING NOVEMBER 19!!!!!
 

Shigume -surgess-

The innocent is always the first to fall
Are you able to get a library card and use the computers at your local library?
I'm scared to go to the library because I accidentally stole a book and never returned it... Cuz I forgot I had of then found it years later and panicked and ripped off every evidence that it belonged to the library... Also I can't drive yet..
 

Shigume -surgess-

The innocent is always the first to fall
Okay so I been having two types of feelings lately.

You know that feeling when someone is talking to you and then they say something that usually requires a response but your too lazy to actually say something and open your mouth so you just make a him, Grunt kind of noise like "mhm" or just don't say anything at all? That's one I been feeling but I feel so bad because I feel like its disrespectful even though I just don't have the energy.

You know that feeling you ask you parents for something or to do something and they say no...but it just makes you wanna do it more... Ya I been feeling like that...

Anyone else feeling that way for either one?
 

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