Story Story

[Chaos The Destroyer]

So this is the story i'm writing, but i'm stuck i need ideas and some feedback on my work pls help.

BANG. BANG. Jack had never felt so much pain before. It took a moment for him to realize that it was he who had taken the bullet. It was strange really, the sensation of the lead bullets tearing through his sternum. People say that in your last moments your life flashes before your eyes but that happen for Jack the only image, he saw was her face every detail like it had been blown up onto a high definition T.V. and for a moment he was at peace. Then everything went black. When Jack regained consciousness and stood up, he seen the first responders all around him, but they didn’t seem to be fazed by him. He tried to get their attention but to no avail. Then he Looked down, and the sight made him go pale. It was his body, covered in blood where the bullets had made their impact. Jack didn’t know what to think all he knew was this couldn’t be happening it had to be a dream. Before Jack could think anything more a man, a strange man cloaked in black appeared, this stranger brought a deathly cold chill with him. “But this isn’t a dream Jack, this is reality.” The man spoke in a voice that sounded like he had razors in his throat, it was deep and raspy, and Jack knew that this man or being or whatever it was, It had power, Jack knew this man was ancient older than the earth perhaps, He had been around for a long time and this realization scared Jack. The man continued to talk “You now have a choice Jack and count yourself lucky not everyone gets the choice I'm giving you.

 

[Monday]

Hmm, so it looks to me like Jack is actually dead, but is being offered a second chance of some kind. This is a pretty interesting premise on it's own, with a number of directions it could take. To flesh it out, I would start by asking yourself these questions and allowing your imagination to fill in the blanks:

• Like most people, Jack would have had goals and plans for the future that would have been interrupted by dying. What might those have been? Did they involve that woman he saw before he blacked out? Any regrets, relationship baggage, or loose ends that he would've left hanging? Anyone who would mourn him? What is Jack's attitude toward death in light of these things? Does he fear it, does he accept it, or does he actually welcome it?
• If Jack has significant regrets, this would probably tie in to him being offered another chance at some form of life. So if that's the route you want to take, consider whether Jack perhaps had been involved with the supernatural before and had been given a job to do (might explain why he senses that the black robed figure is so ancient), or if all this is completely new to him. Is he being offered a choice because of his actions, because there's something inherently special about him, or because he happened to be in the right place at the right time? Does the black robed man need him, or would any recently dead mortal suffice?
• Is Jack being offered a choice so that he can perform a task? Will it involve making amends for what he did while he was alive, or is he involved in a more large scale plot (note: does not preclude a chance at redemption in the process)?
• Depending on what this task is, will Jack be resurrected in the real world, in a kind of limbo, or somewhere else entirely?
• What is the setting of your story? This is actually very important, as it plays a role in setting the tone, determines what events are plausible, and can provide significant inspiration for the plot. Based on the bullets, mention of a high definition TV, and the prompt arrival of the paramedics, it's safe to say this is an urban environment in the modern day. But what kind of urban environment is it? What images come to mind when you read what you've written? Is it pristine and affluent, suggesting safety on a surface level but perhaps some corruption under the surface? Grimy and chaotic, suggesting poverty and a blatantly high crime rate? Is it night or day? What's the weather like? Darkness creates a sense of fear and desperation, while light creates either an adventurous feel or a sense of stagnation and emptiness. Rainy weather sets a melancholy tone, perhaps suggesting the inevitability of what's unfolding, while an overcast sky creates a sense of impeding doom, as though the worst is yet to come. Are supernatural occurrences normal, rare, invisible to humans; or are the relegated to a spirit realm? All of these hold important clues to the direction your story is going to take.
• Ultimately, what kind of story do you want to tell? Will our hero achieve his goals and earn a happy ending? Will he have to content himself with a bittersweet ending instead, emerging without what he set out to obtain, but with a new perspective nonetheless? Or will he fail completely, resulting in a downer ending? Is Jack responsible for what happens to him, or is he a victim of circumstance just doing the best he can? Something in between? What about the morals in this story? Is there a clear sense of good and evil, or is the right path not always obvious? Will characters sometimes have to commit morally questionable acts for good ends, or even morally good acts for questionable ends?

That's a lot to think about, I know, but it should hopefully provide you with some new inspiration. As for the quality of writing itself, there are some grammar errors, but I usually prefer to go back and deal with those things last, after I know exactly what I want to convey. For now, I'd recommend doing some research on what it feels like to be shot in order to be as realistic as possible. I remember reading a firsthand account by a soldier that mentioned a severe burning sensation, and I think he also mentioned that there was an interval before the pain actually registered, although I'm not positive. I also thought it was a little strange that Jack was able to tell right away that the man in black was an ancient being- it seems a little convenient. You're basically telling the reader that he's old, which is much less interesting than dropping clues and allowing them to figure it out for themselves alongside Jack. How do you do that, you may ask?

Well, I would start with your descriptions. You say the man had a deep, raspy voice "that sounded like he had razors in his throat". Mmkay. I understand what you're going for here, but honestly, when I try to imagine razors in someone's throat, all I hear is a pained whimper turning into a gurgling, choking sound as the blood begins to flood their trachea. Probably not the sound you were envisioning. I wouldn't feel bad, though- I have the exact same issues with many metaphors and similes used by professional authors (maybe I'm just weird, haha), which is no doubt who you were trying to imitate. I just think a different comparison would convey your point better. You want to establish depth, raspiness, and a sense of age. So how about using comparisons to things that are ancient? Perhaps an ancient, rusty knife being sharpened, or stone grinding on stone, the creak of an old house, the groan of a long-disused machine coming to life, or the whisper of the wind flowing through an ancient canyon, slowly weathering the stone as it has done for millenia? There's a lot you can work with here.

For conveying power, maybe talk about his bearing, stance, and tone of voice. There are people who seem to admit an aura of effortless dominance just due to their body language. You've already done a good job establishing a sense of unease by saying this man brings a chill with him.

Anyway, I really hope you found this helpful. Good luck with your story!