Journal So I have Autism

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

I have known that I had autism, for years, but it wasn't until recently that I realized how much more challenging my life is because of it. I just assumed everyone had their own struggle. Now as I'm taking the time to understand the mind of those without autism, it's sort of getting me down. Some days I wish I could go back to that ignorance.

What can really get me down lately, is the loneliness. Due to the poor social skills that comes with autism, I don't have many friends. I do have a few very close ones. Only about 2 actually, but I'm grateful because I know others on the spectrum without. Socializing takes a lot of energy and sometimes days to recover. On top of that it takes longer for me to gain the same "connection" someone off the spectrum might experience. Someone off the spectrum can meet their need to connect by bonding over simple things like their favorite color or the sport they play or tv shows they enjoy watching. Me, I don't get that spark- I find these conversations boring. I need to get to know someone. I need someone to open up to me and trust me. Normally I need a one on one situation. Parties can be exhausting and lonely.

My connection need is extremely hard to meet. So I have a lot of days where I feel alone when I know I shouldn't.

 

[TheRockInception]

Socializing takes a lot of energy and sometimes days to recover.

That's something depressing to read.
I have Aspergers, and I can sympathize with the lack of wanting to socialize, but if it physically and/or mentally drains you to talk to someone, that's kind of an unnerving thought. Do you seek therapy/social work?

 

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

I've gone to therapy for years. Been to all different sorts with different personalities. It's not for me.

I'm not an unhappy person. I'm actually have a very positive outlook. But this one thing is what is getting me down lately. It just takes so much energy and more then the average person, to go out and make friends. And the energy is never returned. I'm just at a loss as of late. So, I have relied on my parents to be my one source of companionship as of late.

 

[Hall Kervean]

I'll be your friend
I also have Aspergers and, well, it's difficult to go out and find friends. I can be real friendly to the friends I already have, though.

 

[b a r i s t a]

I can relate to you to some extent. I mean I don't think I have any mental illness that prevents me from making friends or talking to people but I just can't bring myself to actually go out and talk to people. I sometimes expect people to come to me instead and it's been like that since kindergarten. It's probably the only way I've actually made friends in the first place. I'm not trying to sound pretentious or condescending by saying this though. Like what you said, I often find it difficult to bond with someone over simple interests and it's hard for me to consider many friends based on how much we talk and hangout.
I'd honestly rather just talk to one or sometimes two people rather than to be in a group. I mean I enjoy the company sometimes if I'm comfortable enough to be more extroverted but if not, it feels like I'm hanging around uselessly and it gets pretty lonely and exhausting.

I understand where you're coming from as a person that is off the spectrum (as far as I know). I'm not saying that we should talk or become friends or anything the like, but just that I feel the same way and I'm glad I found someone who I can relate to in that sense. :>

 

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

Sano Sauro
Aw, gee! Thanks so much for that kind offer of friendship.

b a r i s t a
There is that saying that everyone is a little autistic. Most of the autism community finds that pretty offensive, but I kind of like that idea. I mean, if you are allistic (non autistic) then you can't fully relate. But if you imagine certain situations exaggerated tenfold, you might get pretty close. Empathy and Sympathy bring us closer together. If we had no common ground, how could we relate.
So I would say you have grasped the idea that I was trying to communicate and that is amazing.

 

[billthesomething]

I'm a high functioning autistic. But I feel like I have a bit more of a simpler time to interact with people and making friends with strangers than other autistics, but in exchange for that I'm not really empathetic or really great at displaying certain emotions or reacting with the correct emotion at times, Meaning I tend to come off as either super melancholic or inappropriately happy at times (I do not know how often I have gotten glares for suddenly beginning to laugh (Not a bombastic laugh mind you, more like a light chuckle that borders on a short laugh) when a sad scene is happening in a movie)

 

[Skye Moonhart]

LittleDreamerOfSorts I know all too well how you feel. Having been a loner most of my life, I just thought that that was the way it was meant to be for me and that I just wasn't the social type, but about 11 years ago, just before I turned 18, I was finally diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I'll be more than happy to be your friend if you would like.

 

[salvia palth]

My baby brother has autism, he's only 9. I've seen how it can be hell on not only those with autism, but those around them, as well. It's a rough thing to deal with. If you ever want a third friend, I'm here! Don't be afraid to chat me up, I won't bite. I know that feeling of loneliness all too well.

 

[Little sparrow]

I have known that I had autism, for years, but it wasn't until recently that I realized how much more challenging my life is because of it. I just assumed everyone had their own struggle. Now as I'm taking the time to understand the mind of those without autism, it's sort of getting me down. Some days I wish I could go back to that ignorance.

What can really get me down lately, is the loneliness. Due to the poor social skills that comes with autism, I don't have many friends. I do have a few very close ones. Only about 2 actually, but I'm grateful because I know others on the spectrum without. Socializing takes a lot of energy and sometimes days to recover. On top of that it takes longer for me to gain the same "connection" someone off the spectrum might experience. Someone off the spectrum can meet their need to connect by bonding over simple things like their favorite color or the sport they play or tv shows they enjoy watching. Me, I don't get that spark- I find these conversations boring. I need to get to know someone. I need someone to open up to me and trust me. Normally I need a one on one situation. Parties can be exhausting and lonely.

My connection need is extremely hard to meet. So I have a lot of days where I feel alone when I know I shouldn't.

Your a ditto of me

 

[Little sparrow]

I'm 20 have autism can't ever spell properly all alone exact 2 feind and I find normle People boring I losty train of thouth sorry can't say any more.

 

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

billthesomething
I've found that laughter can mean anger, sadness, fear, really any emotion which makes life way more confusing. I've also found that allistics believe laughter can only mean happiness even when they find their self laughing at a funerals. So, we are all shit at dealing with emotional responses. If you need to laugh to feel comfortable, do it. Don't let anyone tell you laughter is only for goodtimes.

Windsock
I hope that doesn't mean you can't control it and poop in public. I've heard some autistic people aren't intuned with their body enough to know when to use the toilet and poop or pee their pants. SUCKS!

Skye Moonhart
Eh, I'm over it now. There is normally some aspect of Autism that will get me down for a week or two and then I move past it. It will probably return again when some friendship thing triggers it.

S salvia palth
The kids stuff sucks. All those emotions and not knowing how to control them. I was a very violent child.

Little sparrow
2 good friends is better than having 100 acquaintances that don't know you. And 2 friends are definitely better than 1 friend. You have one and a spare. Good on you.

 

[Little sparrow]

I happy to have to friends I allows cus they We busy and only see each offer every 2 moths s. Don't tell them about one being a spear lol

 

[Windsock]

Windsock
I hope that doesn't mean you can't control it and poop in public. I've heard some autistic people aren't intuned with their body enough to know when to use the toilet and poop or pee their pants. SUCKS!.

Oh, no, I was actually just being ironic. I think people who actually care they're autistic or not are funny. You think differently, everyone already does. You're just on more different wavelength then most others. Who cares? It's like being short. Doesn't mean much.

 

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

Windsock
If you are comparing the autistic struggles to that of someone who is short.... we can't even have a conversation.

 

[Pine]

Oh, no, I was actually just being ironic. I think people who actually care they're autistic or not are funny. You think differently, everyone already does. You're just on more different wavelength then most others. Who cares? It's like being short. Doesn't mean much.

I'm not an expert on autism by any means, but from what I do know, you're way oversimplifying things. Autism impacts socializing, which not only affects a person's personal life, but also their job. Even if allistic people think differently from each other, we can typically adjust and pick up on the small cues people give when to indicate they're joking, being serious, or being sarcastic. These usually fall into a sort of pattern, however, and any extreme deviant from this can be misconstrued as someone being rude. In other words, allistic people can usually pick up on the social barrier that often bars them from relating to autistic people, but we often don't think to associate it with the person possibly being on the spectrum.

People tend to react negatively to things that are different. For an autistic person, this can feel very alienating when they have to go day-by-day interacting with people who don't have the patience to/know how to talk to them. I can see why it can feel lonely, and if someone ever tells you they're on the spectrum, they're probably doing so because allistic people won't understand why they're acting the way they are otherwise. There's still problems with this, though, like no one really knowing what that means because there's basically zero serious representation in the media (bless the new Power Rangers movie tbh) and no one really teaches it in your standardized grade school classes.

Bonus: Autism, and mental disorders in general, are horribly stigmatized and usually end up being the butt of someone's joke. People also use it as a slur, equivalent to calling someone stupid, which reinforces the stereotype that people on the spectrum are stupid when it really is just a matter of detecting social cues. Then you have Autism Speaks which is the first thing that pops up when you google autism and they're a fucking awful organization that wants to """"""""""cure""""""""" autism. I'm pretty sure there's literally not a single autistic person working there and in general there's absolute zero consideration about the feelings of people on the spectrum.

So no, I wouldn't equate being on the spectrum to being short, but even a short person deserves our empathy, because they've probably heard the same set of ten/fifteen jokes about their height and you really aren't going to connect to that person if you continue to do that exact same thing.


LittleDreamerOfSorts or anyone else, please tell me if I spoke wrongly about any aspect of that.

But as for the original point of the thread, I know you said you're over it now, but nevertheless it does sound like something that must really suck. I think I can relate in my own way. I've known for years that I've had inattentive ADHD, but I never realized how large of an impact it had on my performance in academia until I hit college. When I did my research and learned I am literally missing neural pathways for certain aspects of higher order thinking, and that there was some biological deficiency as to why I can't just sit down and concentrate on something I'm disinterested in like almost everyone else in the world, I was furious. I've personally been able to adapt for the most part since then, but it's still frustrating to know that I have to trick myself into being interested in something in order to stop myself from procrastinating.

I will say though, I don't know what study this is but at least in the context of the U.S., the average number of close friends people have modern day is two. I consider myself lucky to have three, but the third person only came into my life last year. For me personally, I'm okay, because all of my social/emotional needs are met by my friends as a whole. I usually get frustrated by prolonged interactions with people that I don't know as well. Small talk/dealing with people that are being fake makes me feel like I'm wasting my life lOL.

But anyway, it must be really hard not being able to connect with people as easily/getting tired before you can even reach that point with people. You have every right to feel down about this.

 

[Fable]

I'm not an unhappy person. I'm actually have a very positive outlook. But this one thing is what is getting me down lately. It just takes so much energy and more then the average person, to go out and make friends. And the energy is never returned. I'm just at a loss as of late. So, I have relied on my parents to be my one source of companionship as of late.

I'm an introvert, so socializing for me works about the same way. I generally dislike going to parties because I don't know how to approach random people and "chat" about whatever. I prefer to socialize in smaller groups with people I know, who I am not constantly feeling anxious about what they think of me (Am I annoying? Am I being too loud? Are they laughing at me?). It's a draining experience being on edge like that. So I can empathize a bit with just feeling exhausted and I to-this-day feel very socially awkward.

 

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

Pine
No, you did great.

I would just like to point out that social "retardation" is just one aspect of autism. And I barely even covered it.

 

[LittleDreamerOfSorts]

Fable
I get that you are trying to relate, but comparing our struggles isn't going to happen. See when I talk
To someone, I don't feel awkward or uncomfortabld or anxious. I feel like I'm doing everything right. Unless someone tells me different, I don't know that I misunderstood or saying something inappropriate that makes an allistic person uncomftable.
I can mostly tell that I didn't pick up on something when I get ignored when trying to meet up again. That's a typical reaction I get.

And when I say exhaustion, it's a sensory overload or a meltdown or something along those lines. It's not feeling tired, it's feeling sick and in pain.

 

[Fable]

Fable
I get that you are trying to relate, but comparing our struggles isn't going to happen. See when I talk
To someone, I don't feel awkward or uncomfortabld or anxious. I feel like I'm doing everything right. Unless someone tells me different, I don't know that I misunderstood or saying something inappropriate that makes an allistic person uncomftable.
I can mostly tell that I didn't pick up on something when I get ignored when trying to meet up again. That's a typical reaction I get.

And when I say exhaustion, it's a sensory overload or a meltdown or something along those lines. It's not feeling tired, it's feeling sick and in pain.

It wasn't really a comparison, just a way to show that I can empathize a bit over socializing. :3

 

[Hall Kervean]

I hate going to parties, because if I know like 1 person there I'll just tail them for like the entire party until I realize I've been tailing them for like the entire party.
At that point I enact plan 01, which is the plan I use when I know nobody, and go huddle near the snack table and think over life's problems until someone comes up and talks to me.

Same goes for any social gathering of people I'm really only acquaintances with.
My family is in charge of what's known as a "kinship," which is just a gathering outside of church for some families we know well where we just hang out and eventually study the Bible some.
I have yet to talk to most of the people there for longer than a minute, and I know them pretty well.

Forget anything riskier than that though, like telling a crush I like her or something. I tried that once, and felt physically ill after stepping within 20 feet of her.

 

[Little sparrow]

Fable
I get that you are trying to relate, but comparing our struggles isn't going to happen. See when I talk
To someone, I don't feel awkward or uncomfortabld or anxious. I feel like I'm doing everything right. Unless someone tells me different, I don't know that I misunderstood or saying something inappropriate that makes an allistic person uncomftable.
I can mostly tell that I didn't pick up on something when I get ignored when trying to meet up again. That's a typical reaction I get.

And when I say exhaustion, it's a sensory overload or a meltdown or something along those lines. It's not feeling tired, it's feeling sick and in pain.

You actually describe me

 

[Fluquor]

*Cue yet another person diagnosed with Aspergers sliding in*

Honestly, I can't recall relating to a small group of people more instantaneously in my entire life... Like... I've got a few amazing internet companions I've gained over the years, but I wouldn't want to actually go out and meet them because I just detest socializing. And the same goes for what few IRL friends I have too. They always try to reach out and start conversations, but my automatic response (most of the time) is just to shut down and try to autopilot with basic replies until I can leave. While I may not think much of it in the moment, when I finally get somewhere and look back on my actions I feel like a complete scumbag. Not to mention the other tag-along diagnosis of ADD just breaks my shins when I can manage to talk with someone, and I lose interest within 2-3 minutes.

I'm not entirely sure if this will help with the situation (or anyone at all)... but maybe try asking your doctor about anti-depressants? Surprisingly they've worked a fair bit in terms of me socializing -- I'm not in my room 24/7 and I've found it become practically second-nature to go into the living room and make small talk with my mother while watching TV. Something that originally I just wouldn't have the energy/motivation to get up out of my room and do. Plus it's helped me reach out to my dad a bit more too, and I'll actually talk to him over the phone sometimes when he calls me. (He lives on the other side of the country right now, that's why)

Obviously it's not an amazing cure-all, but looking back on how I was before my prescription and the way I am now, anti-depressants certainly played a key part in chipping away at the social crux that Aspergers dealt to me. So I recommend giving it a try, in the hopes that it'll help at least a little bit...!

 

[Simon_Hawk]

I have known that I had autism, for years, but it wasn't until recently that I realized how much more challenging my life is because of it. I just assumed everyone had their own struggle. Now as I'm taking the time to understand the mind of those without autism, it's sort of getting me down. Some days I wish I could go back to that ignorance.

What can really get me down lately, is the loneliness. Due to the poor social skills that comes with autism, I don't have many friends. I do have a few very close ones. Only about 2 actually, but I'm grateful because I know others on the spectrum without. Socializing takes a lot of energy and sometimes days to recover. On top of that it takes longer for me to gain the same "connection" someone off the spectrum might experience. Someone off the spectrum can meet their need to connect by bonding over simple things like their favorite color or the sport they play or tv shows they enjoy watching. Me, I don't get that spark- I find these conversations boring. I need to get to know someone. I need someone to open up to me and trust me. Normally I need a one on one situation. Parties can be exhausting and lonely.

My connection need is extremely hard to meet. So I have a lot of days where I feel alone when I know I shouldn't.

I do not have autism but I can relate to your story. Parties and socializing can be extremely draining, I very much dislike small talk (Introverted). Like you I only have a few close friends, but I like it that way. I hope you can see the positive aspects of having a small number of close friends versus a bunch of friends that are nothing more than multiple tiring aquaintences. I feel bad reading your post about being lonely, seems like there's a lot of that running rampant these days. It looks like quite a few people can empathize with your situation and that's great, the power of the Internet and an awesome online community! Don't give up, we're all here for you!

 

[Shteald]

Hey there, sorry to hear you are struggling and how hard it is on you.
I'm also on the spectrum, but also schizophrenic. Oddly enough I get my socializing from the voices in my head.... but that just makes it harder and harder for me to socialize with anyone outside of me, myself, Other me, and I. I have no problem with my family, I've had since I was born to build up a connection with them. but everyone else.... If I don't see them on a daily basis I can guarantee I will ghost them, not on purpose... but it will happen.
I joined this place because I thought the idea of continuing a storyline with someone would draw me closer to them and enable me to keep in contact.

But it is true, isnt it? Things dont go as easily for us as it does for them... understanding the structure of jokes and sarcasm, the nuances in social etiquette, how quickly some people just process information and automatically know and respond to the situation. almost feels like everyone is born with Windows Operating Systems and I have Linux.
Everyone has all their programs pre-installed and get regular updates. and I feel like I've had to learn several different forms of coding to come up with my own programs through trial and error.

In work, I can see and feel where I am forcefully limited and how the expectations of the job require more than what I am able to produce. I never give the excuse "its because I have this" or "I'm not neutral typical, I can't give typical results".
I just say "I'll try harder" or something like that and do what I can to improve performance.

Even now I can't socialize correctly. I either have to use a metaphor to get the image of my meaning across or give my personal experiences for the show that I can relate instead of saying anything helpful or meaningful.

All I can say is this. You are not alone, and I would be happy to talk with you to try to reassure you and help boost you in some way.