Sir David: Character Sheet.

Discussion in 'Character Feedback' started by Nitro, Sep 30, 2017.

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  1. #1 Nitro, Sep 30, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2017 at 9:08 AM
    Finally got it.
    David Thomas
    Title

    Sir David
    Age
    25
    Height
    6' 2"
    Appearance
    [​IMG]

    Backstory
    David was born into a farming family. His father was born and raised on a farm. His mother on the other hand, was a sorceress. She helped many people on her travels. She has also become a loyal subject to the king. When she had found David's father, she couldn't leave him. In all of her journey's, she had never met anyone like him. She decided to stay, eventually giving birth to David.
    Everyday he would wake up and feed the animals. When he became of age, 14, he was sent off to train as a knight. Before he left, his mother gave him a sword with a blue gem in it's hilt. She said," As long as you protect the kingdom, the sword shall protect you." When he arrived, he was picked on. Everyone else was of a higher class, nobles, tailors, knights, while he was a farmer. Because of this disadvantage, he usually spent most of his time training. Years later he finished his training and became a Knight of the highest order. When he went to visit his mother, David found out she was dying. With her last breathe she enchanted his sword with the magic of her family. Now whenever David is up against a foe, his sword will glow a brilliant blue. His swings send light energy at the opponents. He fights with honor, or doesn't fight at all.

    Legend says David executed 3,000 soldiers all by himself. They were marching towards his home land. When they nearest he castle, one man stood in their way. The soldier began to rush David, but he mowed them down with ease. Wave after wave of attacks David kept going. He was surrounded at one point. He used his sword to slice his victims in half. It goes onto say he went to the king who ordered the men to attack. He arrived shortly. David executed the king in the spot along with the son to make sure an attack never happened again.

    Personality
    David is a man of honor. If something isn't honorable, he won't accept it. He is usually a kind person, unless you are his enemy, then all bets are off. David is an intelligent man, knowing many strategies and battle tactics. If the moment calls
    for it, David will even crack a joke.


    He is usually seen as a strong and devoted leader, taking on many challenges. He has a work hard attitude and will attain anything by doing so. He won't give up, even if it means his immensely demise. A victory is worth more than a defeat and slaughter of the many.

    Abilities
    Sorcery: David is able to do many things with this. With some he can set a village ablaze, with others he can heal any

    Weaknesses:
    If David becomes enraged, he will become reckless and begin to attack more viiolently. When he goes into this rage, he becomes open to attacks.

    If David uses his sorcery too much, he risks the possibility of death. Even if he uses it for a simple thing he will faint.

    Weapon
    [​IMG]
    Other
    He loves to go into the towns inn and sing for the towns folk.
     
  2. It's an okay character, but there are some issues, but I'll go with the easier-fixed ones first
    1. The sword isn't described aside from a picture and a small segment of backstory. "Light energy" is very vague, and can mean anything from a strobe light effect to an effect like a burst of hardlight. I know you mean an effect similar to the latter, but it needs to be specified or else it's just speculation.

    2. He lacks REAL weaknesses. Being underwater would put most normal people at a disadvantage, and poison and intoxication are givens. (I.e. if I poisoned someone they'd get sick and die without medical attention, or if I got someone drunk they'd be unable to fight properly) Something like being too honorable (say being lured into traps with honor, like a 'duel' that is in reality an ambush) or lacking a level head (can't think past three seconds) is a real weakness, and would have an actual effect on a story or an RP he would be involved in.

    3. He has random powers that aren't properly explained. His backstory only describes his mom as having "enchanted his sword with the magic of his family" but instead of the sword being enchanted with something similar to his sound manipulation is works with light. If his mom is a sorceress, then how come he can't manipulate anything else other than sound?

    4. While if properly explained and given more citation for how, great feats aren't necessarily a bad thing, Ser David somehow defeated an army on his own and executed a King and a Prince? His powers are also so over-powered that it's just an excuse. "His mom's magical so therefore he's super magical" is not even applicable. His mom doesn't even have the same range of power as he does.

    5. Mary-sue feeling. David is given a lackluster-background, minimalistic knight-in-shining-honor personality, and super-wolverine regeneration along with a super-magic sword backed up with the typical over-the-top feat makes for a character that will get laughed off. Been there done that. If you're going to use David in an RP, brush up on your writing otherwise he's not going to make it past the CS/Sign up sections of any RP.
     
  3. Thank you for the feedback, I'll edit my character later today.
     
  4. What is so great about david's father that this sorceresses would fall for a peasant farmer? What about the sorceress made her attracted to the farmer as well? It would be nice to know if maybe the sorceress was fed up with nobles and if maybe david's father had qualities that acted as a foil to the nobles. Because any old peasant can be humble and lacking pride because that's where a simple farmer would stand vs royalty. So what stood out about his father that made a royal sorceress go for him?

    The farming thing is a throw away line. It serves no purpose and should have been left out.

    How exactly was he disadvantaged because of his status? Being picked on doesn't make someone disadvantaged.

    This doesn't make any sense. I thought she already gave him a magic sword. Why did she have to enchant it a second time? What was the purpose of the gem she gave him earlier on before he left to become a knight?

    In regards to the actual legend, it doesn't have to actually be fleshed out because legends are usually fantastical and mystical in nature. However if it directly ties in with his character, then it should be thematic with his life's story. We've seen stories with characters who could do these feats, like sauron of the lord of the rings, but his power came from years of scheming, manipulation and treachery. If your guy can do it just because he worked hard and his mommy gave him power, then we need to know more about what he did in his training to become an elite. And what exactly his mommy was able to do that made her so powerful.

    I rather like this personality. He instantly becomes a merciless sociopath at drop of a dime if you're marked as an enemy. That's probably the one fundemental flaw I've seen in this entire post. The fact that he's a zealous sanctimonious do gooder.

    Nothing about his story gives us any indication that he should be able to do these things. In fact if you wrote a good history, you wouldn't even need to list his power. Because we'd know what he was capable of based on reading that. Same with personality,but that doesn't matter as much because you can say whatever you want in that section and as long as its vaguely human, anyone can nod their heads at whatever you choose. But powers have to be derived from a place of logic or they just seem to be tacked on without a second thought.

    Why?
     
  5. How is the abilities and weaknesses now?
     

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