Story Short story that I would like some criticism on

[Fitzgerald Compson]

The Ree.
By Alex Sheffield

Set 1824

The Hunter shuffled through the forest. His feet squelching in the mud. The leaves thwacked across his masked face while the wind howled its angered rage across the scavenged forest. His animal fur as clothing was wet and damp, his hand made snake pants were muddy and dirty. And his shoes were engulfed into the ground of mud.

The insects crawled, slithered and flew all around. It would’ve been as silent as a courtroom with a serial killer if it wasn’t for the intense birds that flapped every chance they got. Tweeting their sweet songs. Flapping their luxurious wings. Singing proudly into the wind.

BANG!

And just as it flew so gracefully, it fell so dramatically. It’s skin was now the property of a hunter. He rested his weight on one knee and picked up the small bird, pulled out his knife and sliced the stomach open. After that, he used his gloved hands to reach in and pull out the birds heart. He shoved them both into his pocket, then wiped his mouth free from the blood that splattered on his face.

Suddenly there was a shuffle in the bushes. And another. And another. He gulped thinking it was foxes and began quickly reloading his flintlock rifle.

Open the pan...

It shuffled closer

Pour in the gunpowder...

And closer

Pour the rest of the powder into the top

Even closer

Throw the balls into it

Closer...

Shove them down with the ramrod...

And Closer...

FULL COCK IT!

AND CLOSER!

BANG!



He had quickly aimed his rifle towards the sound and fired. A female Indian fell to the floor, the bullet wound had sliced directly into her neck. She was about to stab him with a knife. The Hunter stared in horror. He quickly wrapped his gun around his chest and made a run for it.

 

[Nihilum]

First thing I'm noticing is that your cadence is very short and choppy; this more or less means that there isn't much variety in your sentence length. Don't be afraid to slap some seemingly long sentences in there! You don't want everything to get bogged down by simple sentences that impact the reading flow.

There's also some repetitive descriptions here that could condensed into one or two sentences. For example, you continue returning to his clothes to describe how muddy and wet they are - just one mention of this will suffice. Let's see what we can do here. We'll take this section right here.

"The Hunter shuffled through the forest. His feet squelching in the mud. The leaves thwacked across his masked face while the wind howled its angered rage across the scavenged forest. His animal fur as clothing was wet and damp, his hand made snake pants were muddy and dirty. And his shoes were engulfed into the ground of mud."

First off, let's remove repetition. We can do this by bringing together all the descriptions of mud and clothing into one part.

"The aftermath of the terrible storm had left the forest floor ripe with mud, scattered leaves, and fallen branches. The hunter's squelching boots sunk further into the sludge with every step, and each time the ferocious wind howled, he shivered under his damp clothing. And yet, he still pressed on. No weather would come between him and his quarry."

You might be wondering why I took out the descriptors about the material of his clothing. That's primarily because it felt odd to put them in there when the main focus was the ongoing storm. It's easy to fall into it, but try not to describe every thing at once! Some things just aren't as important, and may only serve to overload your reader's brain. Plus, alluding to the fact that he's a hunter may be enough for us to picture him in ragged, handcrafted clothes anyways. In the end, though, it comes down to personal preference. If you really wanted to, you could even bring this up while he's butchering the bird - it'd be a good way to show off his knowledge in the field.

I'll stop here, though. I hope this is at least some form of help! If you'd like me to look at the rest of the content of your post, just let me know and I'd be glad to.

 

[Fitzgerald Compson]

First thing I'm noticing is that your cadence is very short and choppy; this more or less means that there isn't much variety in your sentence length. Don't be afraid to slap some seemingly long sentences in there! You don't want everything to get bogged down by simple sentences that impact the reading flow.

There's also some repetitive descriptions here that could condensed into one or two sentences. For example, you continue returning to his clothes to describe how muddy and wet they are - just one mention of this will suffice. Let's see what we can do here. We'll take this section right here.

"The Hunter shuffled through the forest. His feet squelching in the mud. The leaves thwacked across his masked face while the wind howled its angered rage across the scavenged forest. His animal fur as clothing was wet and damp, his hand made snake pants were muddy and dirty. And his shoes were engulfed into the ground of mud."

First off, let's remove repetition. We can do this by bringing together all the descriptions of mud and clothing into one part.

"The aftermath of the terrible storm had left the forest floor ripe with mud, scattered leaves, and fallen branches. The hunter's squelching boots sunk further into the sludge with every step, and each time the ferocious wind howled, he shivered under his damp clothing. And yet, he still pressed on. No weather would come between him and his quarry."

You might be wondering why I took out the descriptors about the material of his clothing. That's primarily because it felt odd to put them in there when the main focus was the ongoing storm. It's easy to fall into it, but try not to describe every thing at once! Some things just aren't as important, and may only serve to overload your reader's brain. Plus, alluding to the fact that he's a hunter may be enough for us to picture him in ragged, handcrafted clothes anyways. In the end, though, it comes down to personal preference. If you really wanted to, you could even bring this up while he's butchering the bird - it'd be a good way to show off his knowledge in the field.

I'll stop here, though. I hope this is at least some form of help! If you'd like me to look at the rest of the content of your post, just let me know and I'd be glad to.

Thank you very much! Ill be sure to dwell on these when I continue writing, and please, do continue,

 

[Nihilum]

Of course! The rest of this stuff is just minor improvements cough nitpicking, nothing major.

"It would’ve been as silent as a courtroom with a serial killer..." - This struck me as an odd comparison to use for the era, but I'd need someone with more expertise to back me up on that. I may be incorrect in my thinking that the term serial killer wasn't commonplace back then.

"Suddenly there was a shuffle in the bushes..." - For a better impact, try seeing how it looks without suddenly put into it. You can achieve the same effect by separating the sentence and having it be short. Let me see if I can make that make sense:

The bushes behind him shuffled.

He gulped, thinking it was foxes, and began quickly reloading his flintlock rifle. The animals weren't the most dangerous beast out there, but no good hunter would ever let one catch him off guard.

Shuffle.

Shuffle.

Better impact, and no use of suddenly! Don't be afraid of using italics to add more effect, especially in informal writing like this. There are no tutting professors around to judge you for using code to your advantage. Last but not least, I think you could benefit by condensing some of these individual sentences at the end together. Also, you can probably cut out the sentence where he fires his rifle; the 'bang' is sufficient enough!

It shuffled closer.

Pen the pan. Pour in the gunpowder. Top it off...

And closer.

Throw the balls into it. Shove them down with the ramrod...

He felt its breath on his neck.

Full clock it...

It was here.

BANG.

May my literary nut rambling be of some use to you. Should you have any questions about anything I've said, please just ask.

 

[Fitzgerald Compson]

Of course! The rest of this stuff is just minor improvements cough nitpicking, nothing major.

"It would’ve been as silent as a courtroom with a serial killer..." - This struck me as an odd comparison to use for the era, but I'd need someone with more expertise to back me up on that. I may be incorrect in my thinking that the term serial killer wasn't commonplace back then.

"Suddenly there was a shuffle in the bushes..." - For a better impact, try seeing how it looks without suddenly put into it. You can achieve the same effect by separating the sentence and having it be short. Let me see if I can make that make sense:


Better impact, and no use of suddenly! Don't be afraid of using italics to add more effect, especially in informal writing like this. There are no tutting professors around to judge you for using code to your advantage. Last but not least, I think you could benefit by condensing some of these individual sentences at the end together. Also, you can probably cut out the sentence where he fires his rifle; the 'bang' is sufficient enough!



May my literary nut rambling be of some use to you. Should you have any questions about anything I've said, please just ask.

The serial killer thing I’m not so sure of, I’m sure they had a word for a mass murderer though

Yeah the suddenly bit always bugged me as well, but I carried on either way

Thank you so much! May you have a wonderful day!

 

[maladaptivedreamer]

Really good insights there above from Nihilum I couldn’t add much more as a writer.

The serial killer thing I’m not so sure of, I’m sure they had a word for a mass murderer though

Accredited psychologist here though! Terminology for serial killers, mass murders etc, were actually classified much later by the FBI. We’re talking the 1960s-70s reign of terror, as far as forensic psychology is concerned.

If we’re talking 1800s, I recommend googling Alienism, which was the extent of psychology at the time.

Hope that helps a little!

Good luck with the writing.

 

[Fitzgerald Compson]

Thank you very much!