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Realistic or Modern Quadruple Retribution (Overly Cliched Action Movie Parody Quest)

Corrosion

ur lite fades awey
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Your name is John Protagonist. You are a former Navy SEAL Army Ranger US Marine Force Recon Delta Force special agent CIA man who has long since retired after serving multiple tours in Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, and a bunch of other Middle Eastern countries no one cares about and are now living the good life in a gigantic mansion in Los Angeles or some shit with a smoking hot 10 outta 10 wife and a beautiful son and daughter, and also a dog. At the ripe old age of 29 (becuz 30 would be too old lmao).

All is good. You're living the American dream with your family. As you are reclining on your favourite recliner and watching some football on TV, your son comes running up to you.

"Dad," He asks, his eyes all sparkly. "When I grow up, I wanna be like you! I wanna kill some terrorists for freedom!"

You look at him, smile and say...

[1] "Of course, son. Now go finish your homework."
[2] "Well, if you work hard and eat your vegetables you will be."
[3] "Aw, really? And here I thought you wanted to be a movie star."
[4] "You will be, champ. But soldiers must be smart, and you can only be smart if you eat your vegetables."
 
[4] "You will be, champ. But soldiers must be smart, and you can only be smart if you eat your vegetables."

This seems to be the cheesiest and funniest line here. And we're gonna be cheesy, we might as well go all the way!
 
[4] "You will be, champ. But soldiers must be smart, and you can only be smart if you eat your vegetables."

John Protagonist Jr. looks like you've just told him the mysteries of the universe as you say that. "Whoa... really?" He asks, eyes still sparkling. He spins on his heels and dashes away. "I'M GONNA BE THE SMARTEST SOLDIER EVER! FEAR ME, AL-VEGGIES!"

You watch as your son runs to the kitchen to defeat the tyranny of the villainous vegetables, and you grin. It was a great day today. You turn back to the TV as the Miami Dolphins or whatever generic football team is playing right now. You sit back and give a content sigh as you pick up your can of Bud Lite (gotta have all that product placement) and take a sip.

A moment later, your wife calls out from the kitchen. "Dear, dinner's ready!"

"Just a moment, honey!" You respond as you switch off the TV. As you get up, the doorbell suddenly rings. With a mildly annoyed grunt, you make your way towards the door and open it.

Standing there is a relatively unremarkable man in a suit and tie. "John Protagonist?" He asks.

"Yes... that's me." You say, slightly suspicious.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a golden badge shaped like a shield with an eagle on it. In the middle are the words 'SPECIAL AGENT'. "Special Agent Brendan Flemming, CIA." He says, presenting his badge to you. "We have a job offer you might be interested in."

You sigh and roll your eyes, and tell him...

[1] "Retired. I'm not interested."
[2] "I left the military years ago. I'm done."
[3] "No, go away. I'm retired, can't you tell?"
[4] "Not interested. Now if you excuse me, I'm about to have dinner with my family."
 
[4] "You will be, champ. But soldiers must be smart, and you can only be smart if you eat your vegetables."

John Protagonist Jr. looks like you've just told him the mysteries of the universe as you say that. "Whoa... really?" He asks, eyes still sparkling. He spins on his heels and dashes away. "I'M GONNA BE THE SMARTEST SOLDIER EVER! FEAR ME, AL-VEGGIES!"

You watch as your son runs to the kitchen to defeat the tyranny of the villainous vegetables, and you grin. It was a great day today. You turn back to the TV as the Miami Dolphins or whatever generic football team is playing right now. You sit back and give a content sigh as you pick up your can of Bud Lite (gotta have all that product placement) and take a sip.

A moment later, your wife calls out from the kitchen. "Dear, dinner's ready!"

"Just a moment, honey!" You respond as you switch off the TV. As you get up, the doorbell suddenly rings. With a mildly annoyed grunt, you make your way towards the door and open it.

Standing there is a relatively unremarkable man in a suit and tie. "John Protagonist?" He asks.

"Yes... that's me." You say, slightly suspicious.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a golden badge shaped like a shield with an eagle on it. In the middle are the words 'SPECIAL AGENT'. "Special Agent Brendan Flemming, CIA." He says, presenting his badge to you. "We have a job offer you might be interested in."

You sigh and roll your eyes, and tell him...

[1] "Retired. I'm not interested."
[2] "I left the military years ago. I'm done."
[3] "No, go away. I'm retired, can't you tell?"
[4] "Not interested. Now if you excuse me, I'm about to have dinner with my family."

[4] "Not interested. Now if you excuse me, I'm about to have dinner with my family."

Is that. . . all the choices we're presented? You might want to give us a write-in, man, just to keep things more interesting. I'll play along, but just give us a wider range of choices next time, okay?
 

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