Fantasy Primacy [Closed]

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka did let Varick go away, and Malina, before folding her own arms over her chest and sighing as Mikhail told her to figure something out. As Drazhan mentioned he might be forgotten. She chuckled at that, “I can definitely piss him off enough to make him forget you, Drazhan,” she promised.

Not that it would be good for Mikhail. “Don’t worry, Mikhail, I have plans to settle some things. I was actually thinking before this that we should have a more formal meeting for the dagger information session – when Tams is ready and knows first. We’ll need some of that calming tea.”

With a little extra.

Did she tell Mikhail that?

Mentally, she flipped a coin, “It’s not just me that Varick has grievances with, though I will make it worse in time. The mood’s fucked with Drazhan here, too,” Kirsikka pointed back to him, “but Drazhan can at least clear some of that air, if we can get them all under truth serum.”

Not her.

Definitely, not her.

~***~

Varick went to the room he and Tamsin shared, and though he hesitated a moment at the door, unsure if he should enter or knock, he did knock in the end. Softly. Definitely a drastic change from the mood he’d set outside. He was still feeling that roiling anger, but he would have to push it aside to check on her and make sure she was okay.

When she called him in, he opened the door, and quickly shut it behind him.

He wasn’t sure if she wanted company, or was just being polite. It was obvious by her reddened face that she’d been crying, so he was a bit cautious in approaching closer – though he did, and he knelt down in front of her.

“I’m here.”

No doubt she knew it was him, but he didn’t know what to do otherwise except…be there.

 

[cleopat]

Mikhail raised a brow at Kirsikka’s confession. “A truth serum?” The idea was entertaining…but he didn’t know if that wouldn’t just make Varick even angrier at everyone there.

But would his desire for entertainment win out the need for peace?

Eh, fuck it.

“I can tell that you won’t be taking any of that truth serum.” He wished she would though. Her and Malina, so maybe some air would be cleared between those two.

“And we figured it would be best to do it here, where we’re safe,” Drazhan added. Mikhail could only nod in agreement. Doing this in some random village was not ideal.

“I take it you need some ingredients for this?” he asked Kirsikka, and continued, “I want one favor out of this. I won’t say what it is yet, but when the time comes, I will call upon you for that favor. I will even take the truth serum along with everybody else.” Mainly because it sounded fun, and he wondered how unfiltered he could get around them.

~~~

Tamsin looked up when Varick knelt down in front of her. She silently reached one hand out to stroke his cheek, as if testing he really was there. She wanted something solid, something real, to grab onto. “Thank you.”

Both hands traveled to grasp at his shoulders, and she sniffed. “You told me that I wasn’t a monster.” It was barely above a whisper, but with Varick’s closeness and enhanced hearing, there was no doubt he heard it. “Soon after my powers first came to be, you said the one thing you knew for sure was that I wasn’t a monster.”

She was just the descendant of a monster creator, but in her eyes and current illogical state, it may as well have been her.

The earlier words of Dravon flashed in her mind at that moment, and her eyes widened slightly. “You’re not going to slay me, are you?”

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka shook her head. No, she would not be taking a truth serum. That should be obvious. Just as he should know she wouldn’t agree to anything with such vague terms. “Tell me what it is, or the answer’s no. I don’t really need you under a truth serum,” she chuckled, “you’re not that terribly dishonest,” Kirsikka wasn’t that desperate for a truth serum. She could rile Varick up and get what she wanted that way, too.

“If you can’t tell me with Drazhan here, I’m sure he can go do…something.”

Okay, there wasn’t much for him to do here. There wasn’t anyone he really liked except her and Mikhail. Probably Tamsin, but she was apparently occupied and they couldn’t go see her right then, so that was out.

Still, he could go entertain himself for a short bit if it was needed. “I know you already have all the ingredients. I took a look last night,” she added, so she knew nothing was needed to be gathered. It could be done.

Or, not.

If Mikhail wanted to be difficult.

~***~

Varick remained steady and still as Tamsin reached out to him. He let her take hold of him, and stabilize herself with his presence. He sighed at the words. He knew the question she was heading to. Dravon, of course, got in her head with that sentiment – that he couldn’t tell Tamsin anything lest the Big Bad Primal slay the Monster.

He shut his eyes as she asked it, not to mask the truth, only because he felt tired under the weight of those expectations.

It was a heavy burden.

Would he kill her? ‘No.’ No…unless she was gone, to whatever woke at 30. Unless Tamsin was no longer herself. That wasn’t something to state, of course. “Tamsin, I don’t kill monsters just for existing.” He said instead. “I told you of Calliope, a siren.” He reminded. “A monster.” By every definition of the word.

He settled one of his hands over hers. “I kill monsters that intentionally harm people, and cannot be reasoned with. You don’t do that.” Obviously. He wouldn’t be traveling with her if she did. He let his hand leave hers only to pull her into an embrace. “I won’t slay you.”

 

[cleopat]

Mikhail gave Kirsikka a certain glance as she denied that she will be taking the truth serum, but it soon vanished from his face as she denied his term. He pouted slightly, “I don’t know what it is yet, but I promise the favor won’t be anything terrible. It will be the equivalent of you asking me for ingredients for several different potions.”

The disguise that Kirsikka will soon don and the truth serum.

“Have I ever asked something of you that was terrible? It may be as simple as fetching an ingredient for me while on your journey.” He didn’t think that was too hard!

Drazhan made a noise. “Just accept the favor.” He may not have known the mage for as long as Kirsikka has, and maybe he was foolish to think so, but he didn’t see Mikhail asking for anything they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, provide. And after everything Mikhail had done for them?

It was the least Kirsikka could do.

Mikhail smiled as he won over the Primal. “And when were you wanting to give everything this serum?”

~~~

Tamsin eagerly wrapped her arms around Varick as he pulled her in. “If my father managed to live his life without anyone suspecting him of being anything except human…” she trailed off as she buried her head into the crook of his neck.

Then there was a chance she could live her life normally. Eventually. And she could focus on giving music to the people again.

But there was still so much unknown, and that scared her.

“But…if something does happen to me,” she didn’t lift her head from its position, “and I turn into some creature that can’t be reasoned with, then I want you to be the one who does it.” In some ways, that comforted her, but she still hoped it never came to that grizzly end. That she would retain her sanity and reasoning capabilities, despite what her ancestor was.

How many in her family lost their humanity?

 

[Lucyfer]

“You’ve also never asked me for a non-disclosed favor,” Kirsikka pointed out, “I deal with enough fae,” and even if it wouldn’t be binding and she could, and would, say no – it would be a mark against their friendship. No, undisclosed favor wasn’t something she’d accept, but since Drazhan chimed up….

She gestured to him, “Let him take the favor. Making the truth serum is a favor to him, anyways. It’s only fair he have the consequences of it, and he’s good at fetching ingredients.” As had already been proven.

If that was really all Mikhail wanted, this should be easy to accept.

If it wasn’t, it’d become clear very quickly.

“And I said – once Tamsin is ready. I need to speak with her first, so whenever that is,” Kirsikka still couldn’t help the touch of exasperation in her tone. Okay, she would admit that the revelation of the White Sun having kids was dramatic and completely unexpected. She’d grant Tamsin an excuse for a breakdown over that.

It was Varick that exasperated her more than Tamsin.

~***~

Varick wanted to mention how generations could be skipped.

He wanted to mention that sometimes, curses – gifts – were gender-bound.

A calico cat was rarely male, and when it was, it couldn’t reproduce, although the females could. It had the gene and could do nothing with it. A male of her family may be locked out of revelations. Or it simply could have been dormant.

Magic was something he still did not understand, and the mages he was with now didn’t make it any clearer.

Kirsikka was an anomaly. Malina he hadn’t…really met. And Mikhail was so casual with it. Still normal, but…casual.

“Nothing will happen to you,” Varick knew that may be a lie. Still, it wasn’t something you agreed with. Hope always had to be offered. “You won’t need to worry about who slays you, you won’t need slaying.”

And if she did…well, he’d do his best. But he couldn’t make that promise, either. Not because he wouldn’t try, but because he was practical, and she’d be too far gone to care who killed her at that point.

 

[cleopat]

“Oh come on, I’m not fae,” Mikhail complained. He didn’t think he was being unreasonable! But he sighed in defeat, only for Kirsikka to offer up Drazhan for the favor.

Drazhan looked at Kirsikka in shock and mild distrust, before that faded and he shrugged. “As long as it’s nothing that’s going to get me in trouble. Or…anything else bad.”

Mikhail thought about it for a second and shrugged. “Sure, why not. There may even be more possibilities of what I could ask when I need it.” Drazhan wondered if he made a mistake. He’ll find out one day.

The mage gave Kirsikka a pointed look. “Just don’t rush her, okay?” With his arms crossed over his chest, Mikhail looked like a protective father. “She just got some of the biggest news any human could ask for. She may need time before being hit with even more news.” The human mind could only take so much.

~~~

Tamsin hummed into Varick, deciding to believe Varick’s words for now, that nothing would happen to her. She had Primals and mages behind her back. She was safe, right?

She felt safe in Varick’s arms, like nothing could ever harm her.

“Maybe I do want you to slay me though.” There was a lilt in her voice as she spoke, the sorrow from earlier gone. “Slay me with that dick.” She dissolved into laughter, still muffled by Varick, her fingers tightening into the fabric of his clothes before letting go.

Her hands moved around to Varick’s chest, and she gently pressed against him until she could look at him. “Sorry, I don’t know why I said that.” Her tone hinted that she wasn’t sorry at all. “I have so many thoughts running through my head right now, and it was the only thing I could actually get out.”

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka was amused with how Mikhail and Drazhan reacted. It was still accepted, but apparently when things were flipped, Drazhan wasn’t as enthusiastic about it. She still patted his shoulder for getting her out of the mess of a deal.

Mikhail could still ask any favor he needed at any time. Odds were, she’d do it. But she wasn’t being bound to mysteries.

Kirsikka snorted at Mikhail’s statement, “She’s not human, though,” although she couldn’t rush Tamsin if she wanted to. Varick was dealing with her. “I won’t. I have other things I can do as it is,” make her disguise potions, for one. “If I get bored enough I can always go fuck with the Council of Light for fun.”

That was not the safe idea.

Nor the sane one.

It might not stop her, but she didn’t think Tamsin would take that long. Mikhail could pay her a visit to speed things up, ideally.

“I should probably get to work on the potions, anyways,” she sighed. She didn’t really want to use them, but she would need to before she left Mikhail’s place. So, she had to get started on it.

~***~

Varick was more than a little confused when Tamsin first started to speak about being slayed. The lilt was confusing, and he meant to interject…until she continued, and she burst into laughter at her own comment.

Well, he didn’t mind doing that, but he wasn’t exactly sure that was a real invitation.

Nor was he exactly in the mood given the serious matters still weighing on his mind, and everything else swirling in there. Even if it would be a quick way to obliterate all those excess thoughts.

So of course he still held her, though loosely enough that she could push away, and when she somewhat recanted her words, he sighed, and shook his head with a slight, confused, smile. “It’s okay. I don’t exactly mind slaying you that way,” although he was still a bit too confused by everything to actually act on the suggestion.

Not to mention the thousands of thoughts still running through his own head. “So long as it stays that way, I can guarantee I will continue to serve you in that fashion,” well…he could play into it a little, confused smile tilting into a bit of a smirk.

Well…it would clear up both their minds, wouldn’t it? Still, he’d wait to see if that was actually what she wanted, and it wasn’t just some off-comment.

 

[cleopat]

Mikhail was not amused by what Kirsikka listed as something she would do if she was bored enough. “No fucking with the Council of Light while you’re staying on my property,” he firmly stated with a finger pointing at her.

And Drazhan was in agreement, not amused either by her lack of sanity. “Please find something else to do besides that.” He almost sounded pain, like he knew he would be the one to help her get out of trouble.

And he would in a heartbeat.

“Well, if you do decide to work on the potions instead of going off and doing something stupid, even stupid by your level, you know where the ingredients are.” Mikhail started to head back inside the cottage. “I’ll be going into town today, but I shouldn’t be gone for more than a few hours.”

~~~

Tamsin grinned as Varick only confirmed that he wouldn’t mind slaying her that way. The bad thoughts continued to push at her mind, so she tried to focus on the man in front of her, the thick muscles beneath her hands, the way his beard felt rough against the tips of her fingers.

“Could you serve me,” she let go of Varick to shift back onto the bed, sitting back further in it, “until I can’t even think of my name?” It was a challenge as much as it was a genuine request. She didn’t want to think. Right now, thinking was bad. Thinking reminded her of the White Sun and Dravon and all unpleasant things.

She wanted to put her mind at rest.

“If you’re in the mood, that is.” It had been…a weird morning. She hadn’t forgotten how she could feel Varick’s anger from inside the room when he was still outside.

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka was amused by the immediate reactions to her violent plans. She chuckled but shook her head, "Fine, I'll just work on potions." It needed to be done.

Plus, she couldn't go with Mikhail into town. She needed the disguise for that.

She wouldn't volunteer Drazhan for company. The two men were both adults and could figure things out. Mikhail might want to be alone. Drazhan probably didn't, but he couldn't exactly help with potions.

She continued to feel bad for his lot in life.

And tried to ignore the guilt that remained. "Sorry, Drazhan. I'll need more time." That she hadn't eaten slipped her mind as it always did with more work to do.

A problem, as always, for later.

~***~

Was Varick in the mood? Not particularly, but it wasn't a hard mood to conjure. Tamsin was always a treat to look at, and as soon as clothes started to come off, the mood would follow. So he allowed himself that throaty chuckle as he moved himself to follow her onto the bed, and made it so he looked over her.

He didn't answer at first, just bent over her and placed a kiss on her lips, one hand pressing against the headboard besides her, intending to press her further into the bed. Intending to make his presence impossible to ignore. She clearly wanted to be overwhelmed in other ways.

He could do that.

When he did at last part his lips from her soft ones, he lingered close so his scruff was still touching her. "I can do that." It was no hardship at all, and his lips dropped to the corner of her own, before he'd start a scratchy trail over her jaw and down her neck, his hands immediately starting the process of removing clothing obstacles in his way - a bit rougher than normal, but he got the feeling neither of them were going to mind that.

Not that day when it would only help to obliterate all thoughts outside of the moment.

 

[cleopat]

Drazhan felt slightly dejected as Kirsikka expressed her needing more time, but he smiled and nodded. Kirsikka left, and Mikhail, having seen the brief exchange, took pity on the Primal and invited him to come into town with him with the promise of behaving himself.

With nothing else to do or no one else to talk to, Drazhan accompanied Mikhail.


Tamsin and Varick enjoyed their blissful, thoughtless time together. For a while, Tamsin had actually forgotten why she was upset in the first place, but rather the only thing she could think about was how amazing Varick made her feel.

Any bruises gained that day would have been worth it, and she hardly cared if anyone overheard them.

But later, with a clearer head, Tamsin wanted to know what Kirsikka was going to tell her about the knife. So she left the room in search of Kirsikka. Instead, she found Mikhail, who had returned from the town by that point, and he suggested that she check out the guest room Kirsikka was staying in.

So Tamsin did just that, knocking gently on the door. “Kirsikka? I want to talk to you.”

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka was well into potion crafting by the time she was disturbed, and a little annoyed by it. She had to make one potion, and then feed the others with it. The problem was always with the design of a new form. It wasn't a polymorph option, so she wasn't using someone's hair to steal their form, which meant she had to implant the form in other ways.

The mirror was a necessity in that, though she wasn't using one she'd made. She would break this one once the design was set and burned into it, to add into the potion as harmless glass dust. Well, harmless in this concoction.

She almost had the design.

'Just use it.'

The form was basically complete, a black haired waif, but she didn't like it. Then again, she didn't think she'd like any form in her current mood, so she quickly imbedded the image into the mirror and then with a wave of her hand, scattered it into a fine dust and any it into the potion.

She rose and went to the door, glancing around. Drazhan was not near. She didn't even know if he was present. "Next time, just wait until I'm in a public space," Kirsikka advised. "Potion work is precise work…but I was obsessing over a useless detail this time, so I needed the distraction."

She stepped back in and motioned Tamsin to follow. She ignored the vials for now, she could let it set and get to it later. "What can I help with?" She'd been obsessing too long to be certain of what Tamsin wan
ted anymore.

 

[cleopat]

Tamsin felt embarrassment for disturbing Kirsikka when she was deep in the middle of something. “Oh…I’m sorry. Mikhail said to just knock on your door…” but she wouldn’t linger on the topic. It was useless, she had already interrupted Kirsikka, and they were moving on.

She moved into the room and glanced at the vials she had laying about, wondering what kind of potion she was making, and exactly what all went into potion-making. Tamsin had assumed it was just mixing different ingredients together, but apparently it was a bit more than that.

“I wanted to ask about the knife.” She pulled the knife out and looked down at the blade. “Earlier, you figured out my blood would do something, and you were correct.” But what did the glowing mean? “I’ve already been given some pretty big news about my heritage, but I want to know more.”

She looked back up at Kirsikka. “I know you were going to tell me more before Dravon came, so I’m asking you now, what did you find out?”

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka didn’t blame Tamsin, or Mikhail, for that matter. Mikhail knew the potion she was brewing. It didn’t really require that much effort, and she should have had the appearance figured out by now, but she didn’t. That was on her.

Tamsin was there to find out more about the dagger, which clicked back memories into Kirsikka’s mind, even if her stomach and mind both wanted to protest hunger and exhaustion now that she wasn’t focused on the potion. ‘Don’t be snappy.’ Tamsin was young and dealing with a lot.

“The dagger has writing on it. It’s not possible to see with the naked eye, until the blood is on it. I was able to force it to reveal that, and it told me the dagger would react to blood – but not just any blood. I still tested it on myself,” since obviously she had to go that route, “but I’m human. It didn’t want human blood, but I couldn’t quite make out the word. It was one we often saw translated as special, but it does have alternative meanings, some more specific than others.”

It meant what Tamsin was.

It meant what the White Sun was.

What it was, however, was debatable, since that translation had long fallen out of use, and was just a relic comment. That it used to be something specific. “Your blood activated it. When the blood of the special one falls, the dagger will take all. The dagger will drain power from whatever it stabs, after that.” She frowned, “rather annoying talent of your grandsire. It’s already drained me of fire.”

She didn’t need more of that.

“Still, quite useful. Could be used against the White Sun itself, but,” always a but, “there’s always a catch to things like this. We’ll need to test it. A dagger isn’t going to drain power. It’s going to flow into something else. For all we know, it’ll flow right to your grandsire.”

 

[cleopat]

When the blood of the special one falls, the dagger will take all.

Tamsin didn’t quite know what she was expecting with the knife, so anything Kirsikka told her would have surprised her to some extent. A knife that could drain one’s power…It made her head spin.

And to think it had been in her family for who knew how long, and yet her parents never mentioned it. The thought was almost enough to bring forth anger.

“You mentioned that it doesn’t want human blood, but my blood. If I’m not human, then do you know exactly what I am?” She was whatever the White Sun was, and as she imagined it wasn’t an actual god, it had to be something else. Some powerful creature that scared mages and hunters.

And to drain power…was that reversible? “Do you know if once this drains the power from something, could it also restore that power?”

 

[Lucyfer]

“You’re whatever the White Sun is. At least, enough of that for your blood to register differently,” Kirsikka answered, “and no, I don’t know what it is. I didn’t even know the White Sun was truly an entity until this week.” It could have been so many things. Kirsikka had gone through hundreds of theories, and weeded out some, but she still hadn’t known.

She still hadn’t seen it, either.

“Do you mean if the dagger can restore it? I don’t think so,” she shook her head. “I’m not sure if it can be restored by other means. Magic’s strange that way,” she rested her arms on her knees as she leaned forward, “I can heal someone from near death, but I can’t fix my own partial blindness right now. I can’t fix these scars. I was able to temporarily restore fire, but…I don’t know, Tamsin.”

That was the answer to so much. “We have to experiment and test things out. It might cause harm. Permanent harm. But it could prevent a greater catastrophe, as well.” Not that such was proven, either.

That was the problem with all of this – there were so many unknown factors.

 

[cleopat]

Kirsikka didn’t know what she was, which disappointed Tamsin greatly. She just wanted that one big question answered. If she wasn’t human, then what was she! It frustrated her, but she wouldn’t show Kirsikka any sign of her frustration. It wasn’t the mage’s fault.

“Magic sucks,” she said rather plainly. It could do so much…but it could also not do enough. There were too many rules. It was magic! There were supposed to be no rules! But she still knew nothing about magic, or even the extent of her own abilities.

“Since we have much to experiment, do you think you could help me learn about my magic? It was mentioned that the powers will fully manifest when I turn thirty, and that will be at the beginning of spring, and I want to be sure I won’t…lose control or anything.”

Or turn into a monster and try to kill everyone around her.

She still hoped that Varick would be the one to kill her if that happened.

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka tried not to laugh at Tamsin's declaration. She'd felt that herself often. Still felt it as the ice wanted to claim her... And too often she wanted to just let it she be done. If it weren't for the nightmares of what she'd become, she probably would just solve all her problems that way.

So she knew it was no laughing matter.

She knew control wasn't a given.

So she sighed and pressed her thumb and index finger into the bridge of her nose.

"I quit teaching a long time ago." She wasn't good at it, because her magic wasn't akin to others. "Malina, Mikhail, they could explain why I was a poor fit. Most magical practioners...They have a spark. They can use that spark to channel magic through conduits. I never needed one." As she spoke, the water in the air crystallized in front of her, as a point. "No words, no gestures, no tools. They can help, but they've never been needed."

Unlike others, who had to draw magic out this way.

"I'm not refusing you. Your magic is also different, but it's different than mine, as well. I don't know how well the lessons I've learned will help you, and I won't have all the answers."

A shrug, and the crystals vanished. "I don't even know why my magic works the way it does."

 

[cleopat]

Tamsin frowned at Kirsikka explained, and her eyes focused on the crystallized air as the mage continued. “You say that mages need words and gestures to use magic, but you didn’t need any of that.” It wasn’t something she really knew much about. “The few times my magic came forth, it had been without words or gestures or…anything.”

Which is what scared her the most. It could just happen when she didn’t want it to.

“You could at least help me learn to control it enough so I don’t…accidentally use it when I didn’t want to?” Tamsin realized the irony of asking Kirsikka about control of magic. The Boreal Wind who froze an entire battlefield.

“I’m sure you can teach me something that would be of use, even if it’s something small.” Mikhail or Malina weren’t traveling with them, Kirsikka was, and she was Tamsin’s only hope to begin to understand what she could do.

Tamsin didn’t know how she would be able to live without understanding any of it.

 

[Lucyfer]

Tamsin clearly didn't hear her. Or she really was just in over her head and not understanding things. "I said I would help. I also said I was unlike the others in that I don't need those things."

She'd wait a beat for Tamsin to get it. That the offer was there."I just want to set your expectations, and have you understand there is going to be a lot unknown. That's how magic is, even for Mikhail. You'll have to learn to get comfortable with that, or you'll likely make things worse for yourself."

Getting comfortable with the unknown wasn't easy.

"I need to know the incidents surrounding your manifestations of magic." Kirsikka had only seen it once, she didn't know if they were all the same or not. "I need to know what it feels like for you...if you can feel it, if you move it, or if it overcomes you with no warning. Things like
that."

 

[cleopat]

Tamsin sighed, realizing her own error. A careless misunderstanding in words, because her mind was back to running every thought through her head. She leaned against the nearest wall before sinking to the floor.

“I think the fact that there’s going to be a lot of unknown is the least of my concerns,” she said with a light chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. Almost everything was considered an unknown to her, and she had to learn to deal with that, with the fact that all the unknown easily overwhelmed her.

She sighed as she thought about her manifestations of magic. “They’ve pretty much come at me with no warning, but the common factor seems to be when I’m feeling extreme emotions.” And she was a person who always felt emotions very strongly, but ever since her magic had first manifested, she had been scared.

What would happen when they fully manifest?

“But it feels like…something’s trying to come out, and most of the time, this feeling is too powerful for me to stop it. It scares me, because I’m afraid that one day I will accidentally hurt someone, like Varick, or an innocent bystander.”

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka gave Tamsin a half-smile, entirely sympathetic as she slid to the floor. Kirsikka did listen as she expressed it was emotion that went through her, that she couldn’t control. She listened to how it felt. It was not entirely unfamiliar. ‘Damn theories.’ Was the emotion one actually right? It didn’t feel right.

Maybe that was just because when the ice came, it seemed to follow just a sense of utter emptiness.

“Is it every emotion, or just negative ones?” Kirsikka asked, “I’m not sure how much experience you’ve had with the happier ones since discovering this, but does excitement, joy, happiness, or any of those make it stir within you?”

She’d let Tamsin think, by elaborating, “There are popular theories in the magical community that magic is emotion made tangible. They link the elements to various emotions,” she gave a slight wave of annoyance at it, “theorize that love is stronger than anything, the usual bullshit,” it wasn’t love.

The void told her it wasn’t love.

“It’s a theory in fae communities, as well, though they are usually born with an innate link to some form of magic,” never all of it. “even so, we hear how the fae of the winter court are stoic and cold, and fae of the spring court are bubbly and mischievous. It’s not true,” she added, “but the stereotypes exist, and there’s…usually some truth.”

The void proved there was truth.

“I can’t say what that truth is, but I can say emotion seems to influence the ability to control and cast,” she shut her eyes, “the spell that made me infamous came from a void of emotion. A deep hollow. There are people who will say I lost control of it, but I didn’t. I directed it, purposefully.” It was why no one within the fort was harmed.

“I could have easily lost control, if I wanted to,” strange phrasing, perhaps. No one would have blamed her. No one would have been surprised. She opened her eyes. “This is a round about way of saying, so long as you remain aware of your loved ones, I don’t think you’ll ever hurt them with your magic, Tamsin. Magic may come forth from our emotions, but magic is always intentional.”

Perhaps that was why it kept hurting her.

 

[cleopat]

Tamsin thought about the other emotions as Kirsikka spoke. She hadn’t felt too many extreme positive emotions since her powers manifested…except arguably with her time alone with Varick. Those were definitely moments of great joy and happiness.

“It’s mainly just negative ones, but I think…I think I can feel the magic trying to come forth with positive emotions, but it feels different. Like a deep tingling underneath the skin.” But so far, nothing had happened during those moments of intense joy. Just with the negative ones.

There was some surprise to hear that Kirsikka hadn’t completely lost control of her magic during that fateful battle. She always heard that the mage had…but those were stories people passed around. No doubt the truth would get distorted over time.

“I think I’m afraid of what I could become. What if I can no longer see my loved ones as just that. What if I become some monster and completely lose control of who I am now…” she sighed, resting her arms on her knees. “I know I probably shouldn’t think of those ‘what ifs’ and think on what I can do now, but those possibilities scare me.”

 

[Lucyfer]

Tamsin felt something with joy, but nothing that forced itself out. That didn’t surprise Kirsikka, “We want to push the bad out, and keep the good in,” some act of will. Will was always in play with these things. Which, seemed unexpected. Kirsikka saw the surprise in Tamsin as she confessed her greatest sin was a willful one.

Not that she considered it a sin, but plenty would argue that.

Even those on her side.

“Magic has never turned anyone into a monster, who didn’t want to be one,” Kirsikka stated flatly as Tamsin spoke of her fears. She didn’t admit that she wanted to be a monster at one point. That she had reveled in the fear. That she wanted to end it all for her foes and be slain by someone better.

Tamsin didn’t know the depths of that hatred or that darkness.

“Having magic doesn’t make you lose your mind. It doesn’t alter your perceptions. It can change you, but so does having any skill. A person who can hear would become very different if they lost their hearing, but they’re still them. Elves are still elves, half-elves are still half-elves…you’re still whatever you are,” not fully human, but not inhuman.

Her ancestors had clearly mingled with humans. “And that doesn’t have to change, unless you want it to.”

 

[cleopat]

Tamsin nodded, calming down somewhat at Kirsikka’s words. Assuming everything the mage spoke was true, then she shouldn’t fear turning into a monster, unless she wanted to be one.

No, she didn’t. She wanted to stay human, making music and performing for other people, to one day hope to perform for royalty. She wanted to even forget about the magic that lurked inside her.

“Thank you.” Two simple words to express her thanks for the entire conversation. Tamsin still didn’t feel great about everything, but she felt better about facing the future. She felt the hope that she wouldn’t immediately turn into some monster upon her thirtieth birthday, that she would allow the magic to take over and manipulate Tamsin’s soul.

She still wanted to know exactly what it is she was, but that would have to be a question to ask someone else. Kirsikka didn’t know. Did Dravon know the absolute truth? Not that he was an option to ask, but…maybe one day.

She used the wall for support as she rose to her feet. “Thank you for this, Kirsikka, truly. I don’t feel quite so overwhelmed about everything anymore. I mean, I still have a million questions, but it seems that those questions may have to wait until we get those answers.”

 

[Lucyfer]

Kirsikka accepted the first thanks with a cordial nod, but at the second, she was shaking her head and rolling her eyes. She could only take so much polite gratitude. Or even sincere gratitude, really. She wasn’t that person who thrived on it, or wanted it overmuch. Yet another reason she probably hadn’t been the best teacher.

Other teachers could appreciate the gratitude.

Kirsikka got irritated with it when she was just doing her job.

Not that she said she didn’t need it, or expressed it otherwise. “If we ever get the answers,” Kirsikka shrugged, “you don’t need answers for everything.” Maybe they’d never really know what the White Sun was. Maybe they’d never really know why 30 – so long as they could figure out how to make it work for them, that’s all that mattered.

And they’d figure out that.

People always figured out how use things.

“We can begin testing the dagger when you’re ready,” she noted, “and trying to call out your power, as well, so you can start to learn how to pull it out on your own. You don’t have to worry about hurting me,” Kirsikka said, “I can make plenty of good defenses.”

And if it took angering Tamsin? Well, she was becoming an expert at pissing people off, so she didn’t think that would be difficult. Getting Tamsin to forgive her would be the hard part. She’d have to warn her…although she wasn’t sure how much that would help.