Advice/Help Okay guys, I need some advice and tips here. (Beep beep: Literacy problem!)

[NesyCelvestian]

Spoiler: RP-sample

A boy in a scarf strolled on along a street somewhere in Sweden. A boy named Nesy walked on a snowy street on the way home. Snow covered the buildings on the roof and the skies were as white as the snow that fell onto the ground. The afternoon wind blew the snowflakes across the boy's sight, settling upon the ground and became one of the snowflakes that've fallen on the ground, flakes looked like fragile pieces of ice that settled on the ground infront of him.

There was nothing but peace. He heard the sounds of cars zipping by and the large trucks with their payloads driving of into the distance. The town was called Norrkoping and it was a town with a lot of history. All of a sudden, time stopped for the boy. Once busy streets all fell silent, the silence was unbearable and almost to be questioned. He thought this current situation was like being locked from the world and all sociall interactions. A strange feeling rampaged throughout his body. A black hole began to appear underneeth him after a brief moment of silence. Screaming, he fell into the black hole and the darkness consumed him. The streets he once saw was gone, nothing else but darkness and silence.

Waking up, he felt like he was knocked out by a baseball bat. A blinding light was seen and everything seemed blurry and almost vivid. He tought that he was dead or he was in heaven. But was he really in heaven? Scared, he didn't move a muscle and he didn't even bother! The blurryness began to clear. Seeing a forest, he appeared to be laying on the ground. The forest's trees stretched out into the green cloudy sky. He layed on wet ground and he felt so afraid and so lost that he thought his life was already over.

I am desperate to the point of me wanting to become better in roleplaying! Like I am starting to get tired of my RP-style and how it is. Could anybody assist me? Please?

Everything would be good! A pm! Mayhaps a message.

 

[Chiester]

Youtube videos and reading are the things that help me improve. I might find a video that say something interesting and I go "ooh, I should try that" or a cool novel with unique concepts or writing styles. I read a lot of visual novels and light nivels because of this, and I make sure to take what i like from each of them.

 

[DarkiusHeavenstein]

Well, going from the little spoiler you posted (which on its own is nothing bad!) I would say try using a bit more feeling and thoughts? The paragraph for me was a bit off putting and boring. It was a lot of repeat of one word in the next sentence. The second and third paragraph were already a lot better. For this particular example I would say add a paragraph about the fall. How does the black hole feel? Is it really a fall or is he slowly floating? Is he being pulled downwards like gravity? How does the boy feel? Is he scared? Is he desperate? Trying to get back up? Thinking about his mom and dad or siblings or friends? Just things like that could improve it and give a reader more insight on this boy called Nesy

I don't know if I really can help you improve. I am not a teacher or anything like that. But if you want, I can tell you where I think you could improve if you have more examples? Feel free to send me a PM. Though I won't be mad if you don't ask for my help. It is all up to you ^^

 

[Malozing]

I agree with DarkiusHeavenstein . Descriptions might help spice up your writing.

Spoiler: How I would write it.

The flurries of snow paired with the soft rumbling of the trucks driving in the distance lulled the boy into a sense of peace and calm. He slowed his pace and watched the snowflakes drift. 'Just another quiet day,' he thought.

Suddenly, the snow and the trucks stopped moving. The rumbling from the engines faded into complete silence. Before the boy could respond, he felt his stomach drop and his chest tighten, and the ground falls from beneath him. As he screams, darkness consumes his vision.

The boy groaned as he came to. The bright light forced him to shut his eyes tight. His head was pounding so loud he thought someone nearby was drumming.

'Did a truck hit me?'

When he felt able to open his eyes without the stabbing sensation, he looked around. The colors surrounding him were so vivid and bright.

"Did I die and go to heaven?" he asked. His voice sounded so gravely to his ears.

I would suggest finding a writing group/ that will have people willing to give critiques. Due to differing styles, don't think what one person suggests as a rule set in stone.

 

[Jet]

Combine seperate concepts into one wordset. Finesse a little more you know? You tend to break things down idea by idea, sentence by sentence, which lacks flow and is inefficient in some ways. I'm seeing multiple sentences that could be woven together is what I'm saying. Also you need to do more transitions between sentences. Set up sentence 2 with sentence 1 ya know, hit them lob passes for easy assists. Word reps are an issue too, try to diversify more.

I'll re-write P1 just to put sumn out there for thought.

Ex 1, yours

A boy in a scarf strolled on along a street somewhere in Sweden. A boy named Nesy walked on a snowy street on the way home. Snow covered the buildings on the roof and the skies were as white as the snow that fell onto the ground. The afternoon wind blew the snowflakes across the boy's sight, settling upon the ground and became one of the snowflakes that've fallen on the ground, flakes looked like fragile pieces of ice that settled on the ground infront of him.


Ex 2, Mine

Wherever Nesy turned snow was sure to cover. Cast in a sheet it hugged the city, covering all from buildings and cars to puff caps waving in wind-drifts of dusted ice. It was stark but to Nesy it was wondrous and vast, stretching a megameter until pale horizons fell among snowcapped peaks; one hell of a landscape indeed. Familiar yes but Nesy loved it anyway, taking sights for spectacle as he strolled home through the deep Swiss snow.

Ex 3 Breakdown, cause I'm not just stroking my writer dick here. There's a method to it and if I make it obvious you can take sumn from it so.

Wherever Nesy turned snow was sure to cover.

[Here I'm tablesetting the surroundings and putting the character in the middle of them instead of putting the character name in the second sentence and a generic street in Sweden, which could be any kind of street. I'm putting you in a snowy environment which triggers imagery and I'm making the character priority 1A]

Cast in a sheet it hugged the city, covering all from buildings and cars to puff caps waving in wind-drifts of dusted ice.

[Elaborating on the table setting here, to establish a more specific location. Instead of just saying "a town" I'm using the "snow covering everything" as an excuse to lay exposition about the location. I also touch on the wind-drifts you wrote & snow covering stuff. I'm trying to re-write your passage so that's in there ofc]

It was stark but to Nesy it was wondrous and vast, stretching a megameter until pale horizons fell among snowcapped peaks; one hell of a landscape indeed.

[A connector to the final part. I summarize what the landscape is for Nesy/Narrator and finish the explanation with the point about the all white sky that you made.]

Familiar yes but Nesy loved it anyway, taking sights for spectacle as he strolled home through the deep Swiss snow.

[Finally, the part about strolling home. I establish that it's in Sweden, I establish that it's a familiar thing (because he's a native) and that he's strolling home. I also give a reason why he's strolling home instead of marching or trudging, he's enjoying the view ]

Why I didn't include a rework of - - "settling upon the ground and became one of the snowflakes that've fallen on the ground, flakes looked like fragile pieces of ice that settled on the ground infront of him." is that I think it's redundant. With all the snow-imagery we're using already, this kind of thing is implied. For me I always try a" less is more" approach. If something is implied then don't mention it at all. If people aren't perceiving it they aren't reading enough. If I describe a lush grassland i shouldn't have to describe individual blades of grass unless there's some kind of direct importance about them. If not then it's just noise imo. Some writers will disagree with me on that one tho so idk, just stick wit ya gut there I guess.

And one more ting

Take note of my word repitition, or lack there of. Block #1 I say snow. Block #2 I say dusted ice, yeah it's flowery but snow doesn't have a lot of synonyms. Block #3 I say stark, so again I'm staying away from the same words over and over. I do say snowcapped, but it's a different image than just "snow" so when I use snow in block #4 it still has impact because "snowcapped peaks" is a much different concept than snow. I notice that you use a lot of word reps which is something you should work on. The good thing is that it's almost 100% editing. The little passage I made here took longer than I'm happy to admit because I wanted it to be perfect for this purpose and I fall into the same traps you are. I've just put a lot of time into identifying those traps and working again them you feel me? It's all just practice. I'm sure someone could poke holes in my example so don't take this as me crucifying your work.

I'd say you need to work on.

1. Merging concepts, have multiple ideas woven together instead of going sentence by sentence, idea by idea.
2. Word reps
3. Connecting character to scene setting. Merge the world with the character's perspective and make them a focus even when you're world building. Don't neglect either.

Overall I hope you don't take me as condescending. I just have a lot of time spent writing. Used to be dogshit and got better is all. I appreciate you seeking an assist and being humble enough to admit you could use one. That's better than having an ego despite issues like *cough cough*yours truly when I was 15-16.

 

[NesyCelvestian]

Thanks for your advice mates!

 

[NesyCelvestian]

I need to rest my mind a bit, I'll get back to you guys!

 

[NesyCelvestian]

Feel free to message me, honestly I'm up for roleplay practice.

 

[NesyCelvestian]

Anyone may DM me at this moment, ready to learn some RPING style.