Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

So uh, im just gonna rant and vent here because i cant do it anywhere else. Dont expect anything but that and i will probably get dark. Tis just me plastering my shit on a public space in hopes of feeling better. Or maybe helping someone see they aint alone in their shit and that others understand.

 

[Shawdios]

I’m homeschooled.

Not onlineschooled like all of the public schoolers during the pandemic that say “oh yeah im homeschooled!” No. You are not homeschooled. You are onlineschooled. I am homeschooled.

me being homeschooled meaning, teaching myself from a textbook handed to me by my mother, or going to a co-op once a week with other homeschoolers thats run by other homeschooler parents to be taught subjects you cant teach yourself or be taught by your parrents.

i am sick of lighting up when i hear someone online proclaim they are homeschooled, only to deflate when they say “yeah, i did a bunch of online classes over the lockdowns“ im sick of having the media represent us as “weird, quirky, and misfit” and never showing the actual homeschooling and only “oh i was homeschooled for most of my life, but now I’m going to public school! Hope i make friends!”

Im sick of public schoolers saying that we have it lucky. im fucking sick of it. We are more isolated than you will ever know, you think the pandemic lockdown in 2020 was bad? Imagine that lockdown being your entire life. (Im speaking from my experience, other homeschoolers may have it differently, but in general we don’t get to socialize as much as public schoolers) it is lonely as fuck.

we get mental illnesses just like you, we get bullied too (albeit not as much, i wont deny that) we can have shit parents too. But oh wait. Shit parrents! The people who are the ones fucking teaching you when you are homeschooled. You at least have the reprieve of going to school, getting away and hanging out with friends. You have that ability to have a sigh of relief. Or maybe school is just as bad, i wont invalidate that, maybe you dont get a sigh of relief, maybe you dont have friends at school. Maybe school is worse than the shit at home. To which i offer you a hug, i feel you, you deserve rest.

but everyone else? Fuck you. Don’t you dare say i have it easier.

 

[Shawdios]

So i feel like I’m possessive and restrictive to the few friends i have. I feel like i drag them down.

i dont make friends easily and when i click with someone i get too attached.

RPimg doesn’t help this problem with how much people like to ghost. I get attached to a rp and then when my rp partner goes silent, i cling and check obsessively for a response or sign that they’re online. Hell i fucking stalk anyone who takes interest in my threads, ill check out your profile and snoop around in your post areas. Its not good. I know that. But im so fucking desperate for interaction on any level. Just seeing someone look at my stuff sends me dopamine.

this is a huge fucking problem i cant fix. Im still a minor with no control over anything. I cant send myself to therapy. I cant talk to the friends that mean something to me and havent left due to long periods of (unwilling, parrent caused) radio silence.

and its worse now that its the holiday Break. im stuck at home till my co-op starts back up again (in January) and i get the little social interaction of hanging out with aquantences from it.

im not allowed a phone, and im banned from talking to people online. Obviously im breaking those rules for the sake of my own sanity. Cause i honestly couldn’t survive without the interaction i get from online friends or talking online.

lets make a list of ways you can get social interaction shall we?

seeing/hanging out with friends irl (X) (gas, and you kinda need to be invited first)
talking to friends on the phone (X) (who is willing to do that anymore?)
talking to online friends (X) (stranger danger, they’ll groom you, figure out your address, and you’ll get abucted)
going out and meeting new people (X) (gas prices are insane)
Social media (X) (not allowed to have any but tumblr, and thats only for posting art)
texting friends (X) (no smart phone)
talking to family (Yes) (but lets be honest, you can only take so much of just your family for so long)

now where am I socializing? (Over the break, thats not family) Where in the world is the socializing that i, a human, a social creature, need to stay sane coming from?

nowhere. Its coming from nowhere. its why i am obessive with checking for messages. Its why i get so happy when i see a notification on this site. its why i stalk forums and online statuses. Its why i figure out when my partners tend to be online so i can respond as fast as i can.

hell, its why i started this thread. In hopes that i can scream into the fucking void and maybe, just maybe hear someone scream the fuck back.

 

[Shawdios]

My apologies for continuous posts, but i just keep spiraling every time i finish the previous.

i suspect i ether have adhd or i am on the autism spectrum. Every time i think ive figured it out i discover something that helps the case of the other. Hell i might be both, thats a thing.

but i feel im just making excuses. I feel that im just desperately scrambling for a way to stand out and get some form of attention with this. Its why i dont talk about it anywhere, i dont want it to become an attention seeking thing. I just want to find out what the hell is wrong with me.

both effect your executive functions which is why its so hard to figure out which i have. I stim a lot, in various forms and im very forgetful. But that might be from having a repetitive life. Instructions are hard to remember, don’t give me a list longer than three. I dont get a lot of social cues, but that might be from being a homeschooler. (In argument of the homeschooling bit, there are homeschoolers that are perfectly fine on a social level) i go non verbal and find it hard to form words when upset. I burst like a balloon when upset as well, and ive likely had a melt down but just cant figure out what it was. I have a hard time empathizing, which is called low empathy and does not mean im emotionless and dont care, i just have a hard time expressing Emotions. I have a hard time naming feelings and putting feels to words.

I Took an online screening test (that’s supposed to help you figure out whether to go and try for a diagnosis) for ASD and recived the result that im likely to be on the spectrum. However, i dont have the same experiences as other people with ASD I’ve met, so im still on the fence. friends without ASD say i probably have ADHD, but friends with ASD say i probably am on the spec.

meanwhile my depressive moods mess with all of this and leave me questioning everything.

so, im kinda settling on both for the time being. But only giving out the ADHD part till i can go and get a true diagnosis. i just know im not normal.

 

[Shawdios]

So, i am currently running a fever. I have been since this morning (its night time where i am now) and im tired. My two siblings, one older, one younger, both don't care. (Im likely exaggerating, im just upset rn, the older one is still sick, which is who i caught it from)

i hate how my problems dont matter to them. Which, is partly my fault i think. I tend to suck up my issues, physical and mental, and push through whatever i need to do. So over time ive made this unwavering front of “im fine, i dont havve any issues, ill get the job done” (yet ive also got the rep of half assing things, it’s complicated) so, now when i do have discomfort, its assumed to be fake. And unless it makes me physically unable to do things, i have to ignore it.

For example: A few days ago, my little sibling (11 years old, almost 12) gets a scrape on their knee, is bleeding but not all that serious, and ends up able to lounge on the couch all day because they have a low pain tolerance. Meanwhile, the same day, i trip and fall in the parcore course that is the garage while getting out burger buns for dinner from the freezer in there. I could have broken my leg, foot, neck, or arm, and I definitely went back into the house with forming bruses. I get very little sympathy from siblings and mother. if i hadn’t said anything about falling, i would have gotten none, and no one would have noticed i was in pain.

i literally am more likely to swear then cry if im hurt. if i scream or am in tears from pain? My family knows shit is bad and ill get their help. My mother is more kind in this aspect, as much as i dont want to compliment her, but she does tend to be more caring then my siblings are when im in pain.

Today: Ive got a head spilting headache and am woozy when i stand, im getting snapped at for not doing my chores by the older sibling. The only one who really cares is my mother, in her mothering hen way when we’re sick. So my mother snaps at older sibling, but i can‘t really hold a lot against my older sibling, we’re the same way and we both don’t like the other when we cant suck up everything. Both of us are in pain, but im the one in worse condition, so they end up doing my chores.

im still pissed off though, because our little sibling gets a free pass for eveything when they have the slightest discomfort and i have to pick up the slack all alone now. Anyway enough of this rant.

 

[Shawdios]

ayo, this rant is in the style of songs by The Narcissist Cookbook, (go listen to gendered teddy by them and you'll get it)


When i was nine years old,
I snuck and stole the old ipad my family had and never used
I hid it in my room and I got away with secretly using it for two whole weeks
before i fucked up and was caught on it.

This.

This was the start of a downward spiral,
Every opportunity I had to sneak onto a device and use it, I could
And every time, I was caught.
I never learned the lesson to just, Stop.
Every time I saw an opportunity, I had to take it.
And I still was caught in the end.

I felt like a puppet on strings.
I couldn't say no to it.
I fought with myself so many times
So, so many times
And I couldn't ever overcome the urge to take.
The joy of the internet was so rewarding that it was worth the yelling

I would spend my time playing io games and app games
Eventually stumbling upon a roleplay site at the age of 10ish.
This changed everything
I wasn't just playing games anymore, I could write and partake in stories!
The stories in my head that i would act out all the characters’ part of in real life
could now be shared with another person!

Fast forward to when I was inevitably caught again.
This time being yelled at and the device of the month being taken away hurt more.
I was yelled at for talking to strangers online
For risking my sisters to being abducted
Because people could hunt you down and find where you live
Because people would manipulate you and get your address from the little details in small talk

It didn't make sense to me.
It didn't scare me
Looking back, it still doesn't,
So i continued sneaking onto roleplay sites

And every time, I was caught eventually.
And the yelling would come.
At the time i didn't know why i did this,
I didn't want to get yelled at and i knew that sneaking would get me yelled at
But i couldn't stop myself from moving and grabbing the devices

So, at this point i learned not to defend myself or try to explain
It would only make her yell for longer
I was never hurt.
I want to make that very clear.
Nothing was ever thrown at me
I was never hit.

But I was punished.
After around a year of the same cycle of sneaking and getting caught,
My mother decided I needed to know why it was such a danger.
Since apparently nothing else was getting through to me.
So i was sat down with my older sister and my dad and we watched a documentary on sex traficing.

I was 12. Or 11, i'm not sure anymore. But i was just starting 7th grade i believe.
It didn't show private parts, but it was heavily implied what went on
And do you know what i felt?
Curiosity.
I viewed it like a story was being told to me.
We didn't end up watching the whole thing
And the one thing i remember
was being upset that i didn't get to find out how the documentary was going to end,
but not showing that because i knew that wasn't what i was supposed to feel

Which, in my defense, I should have realized was a sign earlier.

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

My sister jokes about it every other day
And I should have realized sooner
But when i was younger i was “too smart” for someone to say

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

I flap my hands rambling on an on
fixating on weird topics no one ever dares to portray

My sister jokes about it every other day
And well, I should have realized sooner
But my “quirks” were too unquestioned for someone to say

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

I can't name my feelings
Or express them in healthy ways

My sister jokes about it every other day
I should have realized it sooner
But things were too okay for me to say

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

I should have realized it sooner
But now my problems make it obvious for me to say

...

I likely have ASD
Which stands for Autisim spectrum disorder
and is heavily surrounded with ableist stigma against it.
It was so hard to find a way to tell i had it
Because all the sites I went to were directed towards parents with an autistic child,
or a fully grown adult.

Not to mention I had no way to send myself to a therapist for a screening as a teenager due to being homeschooled.
I also had no way to relate to the school setting related questions either.

But i knew, i knew that something was wrong with me.
I would obsess over topics and learn everything i could about them
Spewing the information back out
To anyone who would fucking listen

I had a hard time keeping friends
And a hard time giving comfort or showing the right emotion to someone going through shit
I can't hold back from smiling even though i shouldn’t be
I freeze up and cant speak when stressed
I didn't like crowds because i couldn’t tune out other people's conversations
I fixated on the robotic or “weird” characters in shows

Hell, i wished i were a transformer because i felt like i would belong
I wished I were an android or AI because I hated being a human
I hated being a fleshy organic thing that needed to eat and drink
I hated not understanding the other people of a species i was supposed to belong to

All i cared for was learning
Learning how the world and people worked so I could fit in.
So i wasn't the quiet teen in the corner no one wanted to talk to
When I was a toddler I was apparently so quiet and content playing by myself that my mother had to check I hadn't died.

So many things are different about me
And all i got in return for trying my best to be normal was shouting
Or when it reached a breaking point.

and I call it the “you’re fucked up speech”
I’ve heard it twice.
Once when i was young i don't remember my age but before double digits i think
And the other when i was 14
I had fixated on researching Cults, and I had left open a tab on a video that was satirically telling the viewers about cults.
“Why in hell would you find this interesting! This is disturbing!”
Then they looked through my art.
“Why did you draw this? Why do you draw such dark things? This guy is bleeding everywhere, why did you draw this?!”

At this point I knew I was messed up,
I had been told this before from my mother.
and I could tell by how people looked at me when I rambled about dark things
But the second time,
my dad was there as well.
He agreed with her.
And it shattered my view of him.
I thought he didnt think me obsessing over dark things was bad,
I thought he didn't care about that.
He had always defended me against my mother before.

Parents arent perfect.
They aren't, they’re human.
I don't hold that against them.
But that was when I realized I didn't know people.




I would like to note that, me and my parents have a complicated relationship. We have (somewhat) made up about my dark art and writing, with mild jokes about me being the next Steven king. It was joked a lot when I was younger that I'd grow up to be a serial killer. This was genuinely said to me by my mother and a few times by my dad, it fucked me up inside a bit. Cause I was actually curious about death and what it felt like to die or kill someone, I can list off many ways someone could get killed and how to get away with it. There is a reason I dont call her 'mom' and call her Mother, its not out of respect, but out of lack of closeness.

She wasn't absentee--- i'm homeschooled for fucks sake, someone had to teach me--- I just dont see her the same as I do my dad. Though I have my issues with him, we get along better and I have more happy memories with him than my mother.

 

[KawaiiCat444]

Honesty, I can feel you on the whole homeschooling thing. My mom's a good teacher but since she's also teaching my siblings I only end up getting math done and maybe history and science if she has time. So going into highschool since we're moving is.. scary, I'm way behind on things I shouldn't have been and I'm worrying about how good I'll be as a student and my grades. And then there's the whole friend problem, my mom pulled me out of school before covid and homeschooled me herself, so I lost the little friends I had. I went into a 4h club for awhile and made friends but I fell like I was just the other person in people friendship, like a third wheel lol. Then we got out of the club because the other mom's were being jerks, so I lost most of my friends then. Those I did keep in contact with, eventually stopped interacting. I was fine for awhile I guess, I'm kind of a introvert so I was okay with being alone but now.. I can sort of feel my loneiness, it isn't that strong I don't think but it's definitely there. I gave my famiky and their doing the best they can but, my grandparents pick on me a lot which I'm fine with most of the time, but when they go to far and I get frustrated they tell me have to stop being so angry. My little sisters are pains and just cause trouble and now are picking on me with the things that my grandparents use it home so I'm not safe at home hehe.. My parents are trying their best, but I still feel ignored. I have panic attacks sometimes because I bottle everything up which is really stupid of me, and when ever they find me having one, I feel like they're more annoyed then anything. That's probably just me really.. and trying to talk to them about anything feels like a tightrope walk and talking about things that stress me out or have a serious talk to them like adult feels impossable.. But I really hope you get a diagnosis if you have ADHD or autism, I know when I found out I have ADHD it helped make a lot of things make since. If you want to rant, you could rant to me. I know how it feels just bottling up feeling because there aren't that many people you can rant to. I'm sure things will get better for the both of us, we just have to keep going. Also, sorry for such a long responce ^^"

 

[Shawdios]

Honesty, I can feel you on the whole homeschooling thing. My mom's a good teacher but since she's also teaching my siblings I only end up getting math done and maybe history and science if she has time. So going into highschool since we're moving is.. scary, I'm way behind on things I shouldn't have been and I'm worrying about how good I'll be as a student and my grades. And then there's the whole friend problem, my mom pulled me out of school before covid and homeschooled me herself, so I lost the little friends I had. I went into a 4h club for awhile and made friends but I fell like I was just the other person in people friendship, like a third wheel lol. Then we got out of the club because the other mom's were being jerks, so I lost most of my friends then. Those I did keep in contact with, eventually stopped interacting. I was fine for awhile I guess, I'm kind of a introvert so I was okay with being alone but now.. I can sort of feel my loneiness, it isn't that strong I don't think but it's definitely there. I gave my famiky and their doing the best they can but, my grandparents pick on me a lot which I'm fine with most of the time, but when they go to far and I get frustrated they tell me have to stop being so angry. My little sisters are pains and just cause trouble and now are picking on me with the things that my grandparents use it home so I'm not safe at home hehe.. My parents are trying their best, but I still feel ignored. I have panic attacks sometimes because I bottle everything up which is really stupid of me, and when ever they find me having one, I feel like they're more annoyed then anything. That's probably just me really.. and trying to talk to them about anything feels like a tightrope walk and talking about things that stress me out or have a serious talk to them like adult feels impossable.. But I really hope you get a diagnosis if you have ADHD or autism, I know when I found out I have ADHD it helped make a lot of things make since. If you want to rant, you could rant to me. I know how it feels just bottling up feeling because there aren't that many people you can rant to. I'm sure things will get better for the both of us, we just have to keep going. Also, sorry for such a long responce ^^"

I give thee a hug if you wish to take it, life is hard.

its the same with me and my sisters. now that my older sister Is graduated its win/lose though. more attention is given to my little sister because she needs it, but im ignored and left to do my own thing. Which, I can handle, but its still ehh. and I actually used to be behind in writing, I probably still am. but not creative writing, essay writing.

I often feel like a friendship third wheel as well, and is why I dont just walk up to people and start talking, I wait for someone to talk to me.

as for the ranting and bottling up, that why I've made this thread, anyone who wishes to vent with me can. I made this thread with the intent to get the emotions out and express them.

I get the stress with having a serious talk, the same thing happens with me but its like my mouth locks itself and my throat refuses to make any sound.

i'm hesitant to get a ASD diagnosis (even if I could), because there is a lot of stigma around autism and it could screw me over later in life.

and there's no issue with long responses! I ramble on and on myself, so if I reel off topic I apologize.

 

[KawaiiCat444]

I accept your hug, ranting about this has put me in a bit better mood, I can't really talk about stuff like this with my family for obvious reasons and sometimes I feel like I'm being unfair to feel like this but this definitely helps, thank you

 

[Shawdios]

its not unfair to feel things. that was a hard lesson for me to learn. you can't help how you feel

 

[Shawdios]

CAN'T, I MEANT CANT

 

[KawaiiCat444]

Lmao, I figured

 

[Shawdios]

I can't understand how quickly people let go
My mother would yell at me for one thing,
Then id think i’d piss her off again if i asked to do something
Because she’s obviously mad at me isnt she?

But, Let's say i was yelled at for staying up for too long writing
And when i work up the nerve,
To ask if i can use the computer to write again,
“Yes, of course you can!”
Is her response,
And I'm left confused.
But then in a different circumstance,
Like with watching TV
“No, you’re still in trouble”
And it never makes sense.

I get yelled at for not asking before I use things,
but when I do ask, I'm told
“Of course you can!”
which doesn't make sense to me.
I thought she already gave me the green light?
Or I use the thing I ask for, for too long.
You never said I had a limit!
I was given permission to use it,
‘Why am i getting yelled at’
‘I'm confused’

Or, i’m asked to do something.
But i did it wrong apparently
One instance that i remember was the time i was told to preheat the oven for the chicken
Every other time, that meant 350 degrees fahrenheit,
But this time, I hadn't known I was supposed to check the box of what we were making for the temperature.
So i was yelled at by my older sister, told i was stupid,

“Dumbas, why didn’t you check the box?!”
‘You said chicken! How was I supposed to know!’
“You’re always supposed to check the box! You’re so stupid!”
‘YOU SAID CHICKEN AND CHICKEN NEEDS 350!’
“YEAH BUT IF YOU CHECKED THE BOX YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER”

Mind you.
Our family calls each other stupid
and makes fun of eachother all the time.
Me included.
Is that healthy? Probably not.
But it was normal,
That time it hurt though
Because she gave me instructions and I did them the best I could with what I knew.
But that wasn't enough and i got blamed even though she didnt give me enough information to do it properly.
Im called stupid if i ask for more instructions than just that
Im called stupid if i improvize with what i was told and get it wrong
I can't win at this fucking game

 

[Walliver]

Bro (gender neutral), I really get you on the ASD spec/ADHD self diagnosis and the “you’re so messed up for writing/drawing [insert gory thing].” I’ve had the same problems for awhile now.

Earlier in school, a friend of mine said I probably have ADHD. Several of my friends suspect they have ADHD/ASD (which I think makes a lot of sense) and I’m so scared of bringing it up to anyone who isn’t one of my friends. So I get you on that. It sucks when you know something is wrong, but get shot down and stigmatized as soon as you put a name to the feeling/habits.

If you ever wanna talk about how people are awful or even write a bit, my PMs are open.

 

[Shawdios]

One thing that can set me off is someone cutting off what im talking about with
“Shut up, i don't care” or a variation of it
And continuing to repeat it as I start speaking again.
It hits me somewhere deep inside
And i tend to react violently
My older sister tends to be the one who sets me off with this the most
And I've shoved her, thrown something at her, smacked her, etc, because of it.
I don't know why being cut off repeatedly makes me turn to violence
It takes everything in me to swallow the hurt and rage so i don't lash out
Most of the time it doesn't work


I think i react this way because
You won't let me speak
You won't let me defend myself
You won't let me explain
words obviously aren’t working
I can't get you to stop cutting me off with words
So I turn to a physical solution.

I also think it hurts and sets me off so much because i wasn't listened to a lot
When my mother would yell and i defend myself with words
I struggled to get my point across
And she would jump to conclusions
And she would cut me off without letting me finish trying to get my point across
Words wouldn't work in that situation.
I couldn't explain to her why i did things
Cause i didn't know why i did them ether
In her words, ‘“i don't know’ was your favorite phrase”

And i had to know, didn’t i?
“You couldn't have not had a reason for doing ____”
Couldn't i?
Im 10, i was never taught how to handle emotions or urges other than being yelled at.

“Why did you ____?”
“Why didn't you ____?”
“Why would you ____?”
“Tell me why”
Fucking “WHY”
Was her favorite question to ask me
Which i had no answer for
Cause “I don't know” isn't an acceptable answer

 

[Shawdios]

NOTE:

I get really dark this time, so im putting it in a spoiler for those who may not want to read this for the sake of their mental health.

I describe various ways to kill yourself, some of which are pretty in depth, a past (and the only) attempt of mine, along with a little tangent on depression.

so again, warning for that.

the overall topic of this is suicide, you've been warned.

if any of this bothers you, please do not read. I dont want to cause anyone's breakdown or dark thoughts.

(I would also like to note that I'm not planing on killing myself, I just need to get this ramble/rant out of my system)

Spoiler

Y’know, ive thought about it

Killin myself

(Ooooo so melodramatic, I know)

And, no, i dont wish to kill myself right now, dont worry,

It's just,
There’s an oc of mine that i was thinking about,
At a certain point of his story,
He’s suicidal,
And it's hard to RP him that way,

Not cause it doesn't fit his personality,
It does, it very much does,
or that I dont know how to write it,
I do, too much so, that's the problem.

It reminds me too much of myself,
A lot of the character reminds me of myself,
But he’s not me,
He’s just got a little piece,
The other bits remind me of my mother,
that's a whole other ball of wax,

can you tell I like to psychoanalyze myself using how I write my OC's?

Anyway,
I once had a breakdown while RPing him a few years ago,
(He was actively trying to kill himself, and was being stopped)
Cause it made me think of a time when i was younger

I had just been yelled at for around three-ish hours for RPing on a site
And, i remember crying and telling my little sister-
Who had the bad luck to check on me,
-To get me a knife,

She actually got it for me,
She was six or seven years old,
She had no clue why i would want it,
But got it for me anyway cause she trusted me,

My older sister wasn't as naive,
I think she saw my younger sister enter my room with it,
I don't know,
i either never found out or forgot how she knew,
But she snatched it from me,
And i distinctly remember her terrified face,

She told me to never do what she knew i was gonna do,
And that she had friends who wanted the same,
Then she left my 10 or 11 year old self to their numbness,

That is the closest i ever came to doing it.
Cause every now and then,
I do think about how i could kill myself,

About how easy it would be to open my window,
Tie my hands behind my back,
And sit on the sill,
before leaning and losing my balance,

Or about how i could use a purse strap and my bedroom door to hang myself,
How I could break my mirror and cut an artery with the shards,
Or take all the medication in the kitchen cupboard that's there for emergencies,

I could do it any which way i imagine,
Doesn't mean I will.

Ill never get any place past thinking about it,
I'm too much of a coward to do it.

But

That time when i was younger,
I don’t know if i wouldn’t have done it if i wasn’t stopped,
And that scares me,

It scares me cause i know i get depressed,
I know, because i push people away and curl up in my bed
I know, because everything becomes so hard to do,
I know, because i cry for no goddamn reason at these times
And sometimes, i do know the reason,

But i lose all my motivation,
I lose all satisfaction from things,
I lose wanting.
Sleep and music is all i need when im like this,
Food is a frivolity

though, I do get better with time,
I find my motivation again,
I talk to my friends,
I laugh,

I cry,
It’s just so hard to re-find that and feel better when i live the way i do,
And i fear that i'll approach that line
And cross it with no one to stop me one day,

But that’s not today,
And that oc isn’t a “sad emo boy uwu angsty”
No,
He’s a person beat down by circumstance and life,
Who just wants to be with his brothers.
And that's where mine and his motivations differ,
But they still are similar,

He has the hesitation,
The knowledge of how,
And constant thinking of how,
But never having the guts,
The want to be happy again,
but being unable to,
And instead deciding to stop hurting,
The frustration of having a “but there’s so much to live for!” speech thrown in your face,
with the same person completely disregard your reasons and refuse to listen.

But also wanting to be with someone who you believe to be dead,
That’s not something me and the character share,

But it’s how his story gets better,
his brothers aren’t dead,
he just believes them to be,
So when he finds them,
he loses the motivation for dieing,

Doesn't mean “Yay! He’s cured of bad thoughts!”
That’s not how it works,
There’s still issues that need healing,
But he regrets thinking the way he did and occasionally still does,
and eventually feels better than he did,

I would like to reiterate im not suicidal,
I was, but I plan on living, RPing, and doing art for a long time.

thank you for reading, and I hope that if anyone feels how I did, that you find a kindred soul in me and comfort in knowing you are not alone.

 

[Shawdios]

I never realized just how much I draw upon myself for my writing.


This is something i wrote for a creative writing assignment,

Spoiler

The sun began to set over the town of Flurmere. Flurmere was populated by a winged race and a child of this race sat on a roof humming a tune as he watched the setting sun. Singing and performing was this boy's passion. But most of the other townspeople frowned upon his passion, saying that it was a waste of time and energy and that he should focus on other things. He didnt care what they thought of it, singing brought him joy.

“Flame! Come inside!” Called a voice from below. The boy halted his tune and leaned forward, angled down towards the voice.

“Be right there!” He called back before turning his focus to the sunset again. It was almost over and Flame wanted to finish watching it. The breeze was chilly, even through his crimson sweater, and there looked like thick snow clouds blowing in from the north. The prospect of a town wide snowball fight on its way made Flame smile.

The sun touched the horizon just as he heard the sound of someone landing beside him. This person was his twin Icey and he was identical to Flame, the only things differentiating the two were their outfits.

“Auti can't start dinner till you light the stove, you know he never gets it to work without your magic.” Icey huffed, crossing his arms. Flame let out a sigh.

Flame started to protest, “Can't sammy—“ but was cut off by his twin's clipped response.

“He already tried, didn't work, now sleeping off the drain”

Yeesh, Icey must be pretty tired if he’s only using the bare minimum of words.

“Ok, ok, geez, I'm coming, don't get your wings in a twist” Flame grumbled, making a show of standing up. Icey rolled his eyes, vaguely amused, before throwing open his wings and gliding down to the ground. Flame gave a glance at the forest to the north and the oncoming clouds as he jumped down from the roof.

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Later, after dinner was finished, eaten, and cleaned up, Flame pulled on his winter coat and snuck out. Snowflakes lazily drifted down as he headed to the one place that let him perform and sometimes even pay him when the crowd was large enough.

He greeted the tavern owner and pulled himself up and onto the small stage. A gleeful grin crept onto his face as he began his usual set of songs. But panic threatened to overtake Flame while he started the last song. Autumn was at the edge of the crowd. Flame hadn't expected his older brother to peek into the tavern, now he was going to be in a heap of trouble for sneaking out.

He continued the song, playing off the stumble his panic caused as intentional and swept into a twirl. Then, even though Flame was hesitant to finish the song, he ended the performance anyway and hopped off stage. Once offstage, Autumn immediately rounded on him.

“What in the name of Light are you doin’ here?!” He hissed to Flame while pulling him outside.

“I'm singing!” Flame nervously grinned, “and sometimes getting paid too!” Hopefully he wouldn't get in too much trouble if he made sure his brother knew it was basically a job. Flame shivered at the cold, his coat was still inside the tavern.

Autumn rose a doubtful brow, “At a tavern?” he questioned.

“Yeah…? I'm not drinking anything” Flame answered with mild confusion. Where else was he supposed to sing for a crowd? And, other than the fact that he had snuck out, what was the issue as long as he wasn't drinking alcohol?

Autumn moved his glasses up and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You are twelve, you shouldn't be hangin’ around taverns at all! let alone at night,” he countered. The expression on Autumn’s face was complicated and confusing, Flame couldn't read anything from it other than that his older brother was upset.

Flame shrunk in on himself. It didn't make sense why being at a tavern was bad even if he didn't drink anything. A gleam of recognition flashed in his older brother’s eyes.

“Speakin’ of which, you’re grounded for two months” Autumn added, his tone seeming to hint that the punishment was non-negotiable. But Flame didn't really catch that before his emotions flared.

“What!? Why?!” He screeched in shock. Sure he snuck out, but last time he got caught it was only a week.

“Because you snuck out and went to a tavern” Autumn snipped bitterly, but why? Why couldn't he be at a tavern? Other kids told stories of having been inside of a tavern and he’s been fine every time he's sung here. Flame didn't get it, he wasn't drinking anything. He was just singing. Two months for sneaking out to a tavern didn't make sense.

“I jus’ wanna sing for people!” Flame cried as he pulled at his hair, “It's not fair!”

He took off before his brother could respond or catch him. Everything was too much and he wanted to get away. The cold air blew against his face as he flew, Flame not caring where he ended up as long as he could be alone.

When he was calm enough to pay attention to his surroundings, there wasn't anything familiar and Flame found himself in a forest. Snow crunched under his feet as he landed and a shiver coursed through him as some got in his boots. The snow continued to fall around him and his breath clouded when he exhaled.

Wiping his hand at the remnants of inky tears on his cheeks, he wondered where exactly he was. Was he in the northern forest? He had to be, there wasn't any other forest near that tavern. All these trees looked the same and Flurmere was nowhere in sight. He was definitely lost. Flame grew anxious at that and shivered.

His sweater could only do so much against the winter’s frigid wind and his feet were practically icicles from the snow slipping down his boots with every step through the deep snow. Flame silently wished he had gotten the time to grab his coat before Autumn scolded him. The flakes of snow blown into his face stung and the wind sapped the bare warmth he had.

Surely there was something nearby? An abandoned house, a cave, maybe even a hollow log? He would take anything at this point. The unnerving sounds of creaking trees and howling wind put him on edge. Drawing his wings closer and deciding to continue forward in search of shelter, he sped his pace as much as he could.

He couldn't stay out in this snow. The increasingly strong gusts of wind threatened to blow Flame over. But luckily, it wasn't long before Flame saw the entrance to a cave. He broke into a sprint towards it as the layer of snow on the ground thinned out.

Once he made it to the cave, Flame leaned against the cave wall to catch his breath. The cave entrance was small, he could easily raise his arm and touch the top. The chill of the air dried out his throat and he debated on eating a handful of snow.

Flame took a few moments to think, but the uncomfortableness of his throat won out and he picked up a handful of snow to eat. Perpetually shivering, he scrounged through the dark area for any branches and twigs that could litter the cave. There didn't end up to be much, but he could still get a small fire going with what he found.

After arranging the fuel far away from the cave opening and the forming storm, he snapped his fingers together to let out a magical burst of sparks. The sparks lit up the cave for a second before they faded, not affecting the few twigs they fell on. He grit his teeth in frustration, the sparks didn't take a lot of energy but over time they would tire him out. He could magically form a flame, but that would quickly exhaust him if he had to keep it up.

The sparks were the safer option energy wise, but they had a very small chance of lighting the wood when compared to making a flame. With a deep inhale, he stuck his hand under the pile of sticks and lit a small flame. The leaves swiftly caught fire and the twigs soon followed. Flame pulled his hand away before the natural flames could overpower his magic and burn him.

He felt drained as he gazed around the now mildly lit up cave. There were a few larger branches that Flame could now see with the light so he stood and pulled them over. Breaking the branches into shorter segments, the fire grew as he fed it the pieces. Soon it was stably burning, so Flame pulled off his boots and set them near the fire to dry them out.

A voice of doubt whispered in his head, you know, no ones gonna find you out here in a random cave in the forest. Flame quickly stomped it down. Everything was going to be okay, Autumn probably ran after him and soon his older brother was going to catch up and take him home. Flame let out a yawn as he absorbed the heat from the fire. With his self reassurance in his head, the grounding crackle of the fire lulled him to sleep as the storm continued to rage outside the cave.




When Flame awoke it was pitch black. There was no wind blowing and it was dead quiet inside the cave. His increasingly rapid breathing being the only sound he could hear. He felt around in a blind panic for anything he could use to start the fire back up again. Feeling his hand brush something that wasn't stone, he snapped his fingers frantically so he could see what it was.

The brief light from the sparks revealed the items as a few random leaves. Flame brushed them into a pile and rapidly snapped his fingers over them in an attempt to restart the fire. Sparks fell against the damp, unaffected, leaves and Flame continued snapping for a couple seconds longer before giving up and curling around himself.

Flame sniffled, “I wanna go home..” burying his head in his knees and wrapping his wings around himself. The unresponsive, echoing, silence broke whatever was holding his tears in and he let out a wail.

He missed Autumn, Icey, and Sammy. Why did he have to run off like he did? It was such a stupid thing to do. Everything was cold and he couldn't get the fire going again. If someone told him that he could instantly be back home but be grounded for a year, he would gladly agree. Then he remembered the calming thing Autumn taught him. So, while taking deep breaths and holding them a few seconds before letting them out, he focused on the texture of his sweater and combed his fingers through a small bit of his hair.

It worked just enough for him to think clearly but he was still stuck in this cave. Why was it so dark? It surely couldn't still be night time? He just had to find the entrance again, right?

With a few last sniffles, Flame wiped his eyes and snapped his fingers for light. He noticed a few objects so he snapped his fingers a couple more times. Now with a better view, Flame realized they were his boots. Luckily they were dry from sitting in front of the fire and he eagerly slipped them back on.

As he felt his way to the entrance, Flame realized why it was so dark. The entrance was completely snowed over. He felt himself start to panic again so he repeated the calming thing.

Flame just had to dig out the snow now, that's it. He found the entance, now work on the new task. He made more sparks and looked around the cave. There were still some branches he hadn't broken up for the fire that he could use as a shovel. Once again snapping his fingers for sparks, he located one of the branches and stood determined in front of the wall of snow.

“I can do this.” Flame told himself confidently.

He started at the top and found that the snow wasn’t piled up too tall and that it was daytime. The blaring sunlight that poured through the hole he dug out made that painfully apparent. He continued to dig till there was enough space for him to climb through.

As he crawled out of the tunnel he dug, packing down snow to stand on, he faintly heard voices calling out for him in the distance. Hope now fueling him, Flame scrambled to his feet and called out for his brothers. The voices stopped and Flame’s heart fell. He called out a few more times before they started up again, this time more frequently and louder.

Two figures sped over a hill and the one decked in purple turned and picked up the one in pink before sliding down. It was Autumn and Icey. Flame stretched out his wings, waved his arms and stood on his tiptoes to get their attention as they rushed over.

“Flame? Oh sweet light, we found you!” Autumn exclaimed, sweeping him into a hug before he could respond. Icey practically tackled the two of them and Flame felt the oily slickness of past tears on his twin’s face as he was vigorously nuzzled. Flame buried his head in his older brother’s soft coat and clung tightly to both brothers.

“s’rry, Awti, ‘m s’rry,” Flame mumbled, his words were muffled from smothering his face in Autumn’s coat.

“Don't–” Autumn choked on his words but quickly recovered, ”Don't you ever run off like that again.” he finished softly, holding both Flame and Icey close.

They sat, relishing in each other's presence, till Icey spoke up.

“I'm cold” He complained, and Flame nodded in agreement. He would have agreed verbally, but his brothers felt warm and he didn't want to lose that by pulling away and un-smothering his face.

Autumn sighed, “We should get home, Sammy’s probably drivin’ Holly up a wall.”

Flame giggled at the mental image. Holly was fun to mess with and Sammy hated being left with a babysitter.

He protested when Autumn abruptly pushed him off, but then Autumn unzipped his coat, took it off, and bundled Flame in it. The fabric was warm from being worn and Flame eagerly soaked in the heat. A startled squeak escaped him as Autumn picked him up and carried him.

“Icey? You gonna be okay with flying again?” Autumn asked once he held Flame in a manageable position. Icey nodded. The mild tickle of his older brother's magic danced over Flame’s skin and he felt a lot lighter. So that's how Autumn got here without sinking into the snow.

“Well, ‘ight then, home we go!” Autumn announced, spinning on his heel. He began walking with the sun on his left while Icey took to the skies and glided southward above them. Flame settled into his brother’s hold. Despite the fact that he’d slept in the cave, using his magic and digging himself out of the cave spent the little energy he had regained from it, he fell asleep to the rhythm of Autumn’s steps and warmth of the coat.

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A lurch jolted Flame awake and the first thing he noticed was the door of his family’s house.
“Sorry, steps tripped me up,” apologized his older brother, who was currently setting him down. Flame stood while Autumn unlocked the door and Icey wrapped his arms around Flame from behind. Flame let out a yawn and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, but in doing so, he was caught off guard when Icey pushed him into the house.

Then he heard a squeal and that was all the warning he got before being leapt onto and grabbed by a kid younger than him. With Icey behind him, the added support prevented him from falling over with the momentum.

“Dont ever do such a stupid ever again!!” shouted the kid currently latched onto his front. Flame gave his little brother an affectionate pat on the head and sat down to let Sammy hug him easier. Icey sat down with him and moved so he was leaning against Flame instead of behind him.

“Auti’ was freaking out this morning and came home after the sun was up, y’know.” Icey admitted in a quiet whisper, as their little brother incoherently scolded Flame. “I was really scared, you weren’t in the house an’ the snow was really thick outside.” He added, tightening his hold on Flame.

Flame felt really horrible about running off now, all of his brothers had been really worried. He could have froze to death and they would have had no clue.

“Im sorry, I promise I won't run off again, it was a really stupid thing to do,” Flame responded, to both Sammy’s scolding and Icey’s admission, while wrapping an arm around Sammy and nuzzling his hair. Flame was worried they would still be upset, but Icey and Sammy both seemed to accept the apology.

The three younger brothers then shifted into a pile with Icey curled around Flame and Sammy draped over the twins with his wings spread out. Sammy switched from scolding Flame to rambling about what he did while Holly was babysitting him.

While Sammy rattled on about what games he and Holly played, or more accurately, how he had messed with her and pushed her buttons, Flame found that he didn’t care whether or not he’d be grounded after this, he was just glad to be home with his brothers again.

And my friend asked if the main character was autistic?
The friend is autistic,
so i didn't take it as a mean comment,
but as a genuine question,
And it made me look at what i wrote with a different lens,
Cause i didn't intend for the character to come off as autistic,
I just wrote how the character was reacting,

Mind you,
i wrote the assignment before i thought of myself as autistic,
And was still on the fence about it,
So i was caught off guard by the question,
I told my friend that i hadn't realized,
and we (positively) laughed about it

But then after we went our separate ways,
I reread my story.

And the conflict in it was basically how me getting caught sneaking played out
It was a near exact copy of a thing that happened,
If you change the circumstance and characters of course,
The ending obviously didn't happen for me,
But i did run off and end up outside in the freezing cold,
Without proper winter wear for night time,
While my mother panicked (but still pissed as hell) and searched for me in the house.

And the confusion the main character had while the argument happened,
was definitely mine from in real life,
I even grew uncomfortable with how much the older brother sounded like my mother,

(note, this is the same character from the previous rant)

Cause,
He had been a character that had a very sensitive piece of me part of him
The dynamic the main character and the older brother have
Is basically a more sugar coated version of me and my mother

“Why cant i?”
“its not fair!”
“I just wanna ___!”

These were my cries when i was younger,
The fucking hair pulling the main character does,
The sneaking out,
The “maybe if ___ i wont get in too much trouble”
The “what’s the issue as long as ____”
Even the fact that i made the damn character twelve doesn’t help,
Thats me, that is my twelve year old self,

This isn't a fictional story,
This is a dramatic retelling of a traumatic event i had,
Using characters as pseudonyms for people in my life
For a fucking school assignment.

Sammy is my little sister,
Icey is (very loosely, but they have the role) my older sister,
Autumn is my fucking mother,
Flame is me,

The story ends far too happily for something i wrote doesn't it?
First, it's a school assignment,
Second, its how i wished my life had been

Wanna know how that story really ended?
Tears and avoidance.
I was yelled at some more for scaring her (mother) like that,
And the yelling for what i’d gotten in trouble for continued from where i left it,
Eventually i was dismissed to my room,
More tears fell while i stuffed myself in my closet for comfort,
Blasting my music in my headphones,
and everyone else in my family avoiding each other for the rest of the night.

Due note,
I had this realization right at co-op.
I had analyzed this writing assignment,
and realized this was me letting out trauma,
In the hallway of a church walking to my next class,
Two months ago.

Now,
the previous rant made me remember this,
So i reanalyzed it and thus
This rant.

=)

 

[Walliver]

I never realized just how much I draw upon myself for my writing.


This is something i wrote for a creative writing assignment,

Spoiler

The sun began to set over the town of Flurmere. Flurmere was populated by a winged race and a child of this race sat on a roof humming a tune as he watched the setting sun. Singing and performing was this boy's passion. But most of the other townspeople frowned upon his passion, saying that it was a waste of time and energy and that he should focus on other things. He didnt care what they thought of it, singing brought him joy.

“Flame! Come inside!” Called a voice from below. The boy halted his tune and leaned forward, angled down towards the voice.

“Be right there!” He called back before turning his focus to the sunset again. It was almost over and Flame wanted to finish watching it. The breeze was chilly, even through his crimson sweater, and there looked like thick snow clouds blowing in from the north. The prospect of a town wide snowball fight on its way made Flame smile.

The sun touched the horizon just as he heard the sound of someone landing beside him. This person was his twin Icey and he was identical to Flame, the only things differentiating the two were their outfits.

“Auti can't start dinner till you light the stove, you know he never gets it to work without your magic.” Icey huffed, crossing his arms. Flame let out a sigh.

Flame started to protest, “Can't sammy—“ but was cut off by his twin's clipped response.

“He already tried, didn't work, now sleeping off the drain”

Yeesh, Icey must be pretty tired if he’s only using the bare minimum of words.

“Ok, ok, geez, I'm coming, don't get your wings in a twist” Flame grumbled, making a show of standing up. Icey rolled his eyes, vaguely amused, before throwing open his wings and gliding down to the ground. Flame gave a glance at the forest to the north and the oncoming clouds as he jumped down from the roof.

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Later, after dinner was finished, eaten, and cleaned up, Flame pulled on his winter coat and snuck out. Snowflakes lazily drifted down as he headed to the one place that let him perform and sometimes even pay him when the crowd was large enough.

He greeted the tavern owner and pulled himself up and onto the small stage. A gleeful grin crept onto his face as he began his usual set of songs. But panic threatened to overtake Flame while he started the last song. Autumn was at the edge of the crowd. Flame hadn't expected his older brother to peek into the tavern, now he was going to be in a heap of trouble for sneaking out.

He continued the song, playing off the stumble his panic caused as intentional and swept into a twirl. Then, even though Flame was hesitant to finish the song, he ended the performance anyway and hopped off stage. Once offstage, Autumn immediately rounded on him.

“What in the name of Light are you doin’ here?!” He hissed to Flame while pulling him outside.

“I'm singing!” Flame nervously grinned, “and sometimes getting paid too!” Hopefully he wouldn't get in too much trouble if he made sure his brother knew it was basically a job. Flame shivered at the cold, his coat was still inside the tavern.

Autumn rose a doubtful brow, “At a tavern?” he questioned.

“Yeah…? I'm not drinking anything” Flame answered with mild confusion. Where else was he supposed to sing for a crowd? And, other than the fact that he had snuck out, what was the issue as long as he wasn't drinking alcohol?

Autumn moved his glasses up and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You are twelve, you shouldn't be hangin’ around taverns at all! let alone at night,” he countered. The expression on Autumn’s face was complicated and confusing, Flame couldn't read anything from it other than that his older brother was upset.

Flame shrunk in on himself. It didn't make sense why being at a tavern was bad even if he didn't drink anything. A gleam of recognition flashed in his older brother’s eyes.

“Speakin’ of which, you’re grounded for two months” Autumn added, his tone seeming to hint that the punishment was non-negotiable. But Flame didn't really catch that before his emotions flared.

“What!? Why?!” He screeched in shock. Sure he snuck out, but last time he got caught it was only a week.

“Because you snuck out and went to a tavern” Autumn snipped bitterly, but why? Why couldn't he be at a tavern? Other kids told stories of having been inside of a tavern and he’s been fine every time he's sung here. Flame didn't get it, he wasn't drinking anything. He was just singing. Two months for sneaking out to a tavern didn't make sense.

“I jus’ wanna sing for people!” Flame cried as he pulled at his hair, “It's not fair!”

He took off before his brother could respond or catch him. Everything was too much and he wanted to get away. The cold air blew against his face as he flew, Flame not caring where he ended up as long as he could be alone.

When he was calm enough to pay attention to his surroundings, there wasn't anything familiar and Flame found himself in a forest. Snow crunched under his feet as he landed and a shiver coursed through him as some got in his boots. The snow continued to fall around him and his breath clouded when he exhaled.

Wiping his hand at the remnants of inky tears on his cheeks, he wondered where exactly he was. Was he in the northern forest? He had to be, there wasn't any other forest near that tavern. All these trees looked the same and Flurmere was nowhere in sight. He was definitely lost. Flame grew anxious at that and shivered.

His sweater could only do so much against the winter’s frigid wind and his feet were practically icicles from the snow slipping down his boots with every step through the deep snow. Flame silently wished he had gotten the time to grab his coat before Autumn scolded him. The flakes of snow blown into his face stung and the wind sapped the bare warmth he had.

Surely there was something nearby? An abandoned house, a cave, maybe even a hollow log? He would take anything at this point. The unnerving sounds of creaking trees and howling wind put him on edge. Drawing his wings closer and deciding to continue forward in search of shelter, he sped his pace as much as he could.

He couldn't stay out in this snow. The increasingly strong gusts of wind threatened to blow Flame over. But luckily, it wasn't long before Flame saw the entrance to a cave. He broke into a sprint towards it as the layer of snow on the ground thinned out.

Once he made it to the cave, Flame leaned against the cave wall to catch his breath. The cave entrance was small, he could easily raise his arm and touch the top. The chill of the air dried out his throat and he debated on eating a handful of snow.

Flame took a few moments to think, but the uncomfortableness of his throat won out and he picked up a handful of snow to eat. Perpetually shivering, he scrounged through the dark area for any branches and twigs that could litter the cave. There didn't end up to be much, but he could still get a small fire going with what he found.

After arranging the fuel far away from the cave opening and the forming storm, he snapped his fingers together to let out a magical burst of sparks. The sparks lit up the cave for a second before they faded, not affecting the few twigs they fell on. He grit his teeth in frustration, the sparks didn't take a lot of energy but over time they would tire him out. He could magically form a flame, but that would quickly exhaust him if he had to keep it up.

The sparks were the safer option energy wise, but they had a very small chance of lighting the wood when compared to making a flame. With a deep inhale, he stuck his hand under the pile of sticks and lit a small flame. The leaves swiftly caught fire and the twigs soon followed. Flame pulled his hand away before the natural flames could overpower his magic and burn him.

He felt drained as he gazed around the now mildly lit up cave. There were a few larger branches that Flame could now see with the light so he stood and pulled them over. Breaking the branches into shorter segments, the fire grew as he fed it the pieces. Soon it was stably burning, so Flame pulled off his boots and set them near the fire to dry them out.

A voice of doubt whispered in his head, you know, no ones gonna find you out here in a random cave in the forest. Flame quickly stomped it down. Everything was going to be okay, Autumn probably ran after him and soon his older brother was going to catch up and take him home. Flame let out a yawn as he absorbed the heat from the fire. With his self reassurance in his head, the grounding crackle of the fire lulled him to sleep as the storm continued to rage outside the cave.




When Flame awoke it was pitch black. There was no wind blowing and it was dead quiet inside the cave. His increasingly rapid breathing being the only sound he could hear. He felt around in a blind panic for anything he could use to start the fire back up again. Feeling his hand brush something that wasn't stone, he snapped his fingers frantically so he could see what it was.

The brief light from the sparks revealed the items as a few random leaves. Flame brushed them into a pile and rapidly snapped his fingers over them in an attempt to restart the fire. Sparks fell against the damp, unaffected, leaves and Flame continued snapping for a couple seconds longer before giving up and curling around himself.

Flame sniffled, “I wanna go home..” burying his head in his knees and wrapping his wings around himself. The unresponsive, echoing, silence broke whatever was holding his tears in and he let out a wail.

He missed Autumn, Icey, and Sammy. Why did he have to run off like he did? It was such a stupid thing to do. Everything was cold and he couldn't get the fire going again. If someone told him that he could instantly be back home but be grounded for a year, he would gladly agree. Then he remembered the calming thing Autumn taught him. So, while taking deep breaths and holding them a few seconds before letting them out, he focused on the texture of his sweater and combed his fingers through a small bit of his hair.

It worked just enough for him to think clearly but he was still stuck in this cave. Why was it so dark? It surely couldn't still be night time? He just had to find the entrance again, right?

With a few last sniffles, Flame wiped his eyes and snapped his fingers for light. He noticed a few objects so he snapped his fingers a couple more times. Now with a better view, Flame realized they were his boots. Luckily they were dry from sitting in front of the fire and he eagerly slipped them back on.

As he felt his way to the entrance, Flame realized why it was so dark. The entrance was completely snowed over. He felt himself start to panic again so he repeated the calming thing.

Flame just had to dig out the snow now, that's it. He found the entance, now work on the new task. He made more sparks and looked around the cave. There were still some branches he hadn't broken up for the fire that he could use as a shovel. Once again snapping his fingers for sparks, he located one of the branches and stood determined in front of the wall of snow.

“I can do this.” Flame told himself confidently.

He started at the top and found that the snow wasn’t piled up too tall and that it was daytime. The blaring sunlight that poured through the hole he dug out made that painfully apparent. He continued to dig till there was enough space for him to climb through.

As he crawled out of the tunnel he dug, packing down snow to stand on, he faintly heard voices calling out for him in the distance. Hope now fueling him, Flame scrambled to his feet and called out for his brothers. The voices stopped and Flame’s heart fell. He called out a few more times before they started up again, this time more frequently and louder.

Two figures sped over a hill and the one decked in purple turned and picked up the one in pink before sliding down. It was Autumn and Icey. Flame stretched out his wings, waved his arms and stood on his tiptoes to get their attention as they rushed over.

“Flame? Oh sweet light, we found you!” Autumn exclaimed, sweeping him into a hug before he could respond. Icey practically tackled the two of them and Flame felt the oily slickness of past tears on his twin’s face as he was vigorously nuzzled. Flame buried his head in his older brother’s soft coat and clung tightly to both brothers.

“s’rry, Awti, ‘m s’rry,” Flame mumbled, his words were muffled from smothering his face in Autumn’s coat.

“Don't–” Autumn choked on his words but quickly recovered, ”Don't you ever run off like that again.” he finished softly, holding both Flame and Icey close.

They sat, relishing in each other's presence, till Icey spoke up.

“I'm cold” He complained, and Flame nodded in agreement. He would have agreed verbally, but his brothers felt warm and he didn't want to lose that by pulling away and un-smothering his face.

Autumn sighed, “We should get home, Sammy’s probably drivin’ Holly up a wall.”

Flame giggled at the mental image. Holly was fun to mess with and Sammy hated being left with a babysitter.

He protested when Autumn abruptly pushed him off, but then Autumn unzipped his coat, took it off, and bundled Flame in it. The fabric was warm from being worn and Flame eagerly soaked in the heat. A startled squeak escaped him as Autumn picked him up and carried him.

“Icey? You gonna be okay with flying again?” Autumn asked once he held Flame in a manageable position. Icey nodded. The mild tickle of his older brother's magic danced over Flame’s skin and he felt a lot lighter. So that's how Autumn got here without sinking into the snow.

“Well, ‘ight then, home we go!” Autumn announced, spinning on his heel. He began walking with the sun on his left while Icey took to the skies and glided southward above them. Flame settled into his brother’s hold. Despite the fact that he’d slept in the cave, using his magic and digging himself out of the cave spent the little energy he had regained from it, he fell asleep to the rhythm of Autumn’s steps and warmth of the coat.

=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=

A lurch jolted Flame awake and the first thing he noticed was the door of his family’s house.
“Sorry, steps tripped me up,” apologized his older brother, who was currently setting him down. Flame stood while Autumn unlocked the door and Icey wrapped his arms around Flame from behind. Flame let out a yawn and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, but in doing so, he was caught off guard when Icey pushed him into the house.

Then he heard a squeal and that was all the warning he got before being leapt onto and grabbed by a kid younger than him. With Icey behind him, the added support prevented him from falling over with the momentum.

“Dont ever do such a stupid ever again!!” shouted the kid currently latched onto his front. Flame gave his little brother an affectionate pat on the head and sat down to let Sammy hug him easier. Icey sat down with him and moved so he was leaning against Flame instead of behind him.

“Auti’ was freaking out this morning and came home after the sun was up, y’know.” Icey admitted in a quiet whisper, as their little brother incoherently scolded Flame. “I was really scared, you weren’t in the house an’ the snow was really thick outside.” He added, tightening his hold on Flame.

Flame felt really horrible about running off now, all of his brothers had been really worried. He could have froze to death and they would have had no clue.

“Im sorry, I promise I won't run off again, it was a really stupid thing to do,” Flame responded, to both Sammy’s scolding and Icey’s admission, while wrapping an arm around Sammy and nuzzling his hair. Flame was worried they would still be upset, but Icey and Sammy both seemed to accept the apology.

The three younger brothers then shifted into a pile with Icey curled around Flame and Sammy draped over the twins with his wings spread out. Sammy switched from scolding Flame to rambling about what he did while Holly was babysitting him.

While Sammy rattled on about what games he and Holly played, or more accurately, how he had messed with her and pushed her buttons, Flame found that he didn’t care whether or not he’d be grounded after this, he was just glad to be home with his brothers again.

And my friend asked if the main character was autistic?
The friend is autistic,
so i didn't take it as a mean comment,
but as a genuine question,
And it made me look at what i wrote with a different lens,
Cause i didn't intend for the character to come off as autistic,
I just wrote how the character was reacting,

Mind you,
i wrote the assignment before i thought of myself as autistic,
And was still on the fence about it,
So i was caught off guard by the question,
I told my friend that i hadn't realized,
and we (positively) laughed about it

But then after we went our separate ways,
I reread my story.

And the conflict in it was basically how me getting caught sneaking played out
It was a near exact copy of a thing that happened,
If you change the circumstance and characters of course,
The ending obviously didn't happen for me,
But i did run off and end up outside in the freezing cold,
Without proper winter wear for night time,
While my mother panicked (but still pissed as hell) and searched for me in the house.

And the confusion the main character had while the argument happened,
was definitely mine from in real life,
I even grew uncomfortable with how much the older brother sounded like my mother,

(note, this is the same character from the previous rant)

Cause,
He had been a character that had a very sensitive piece of me part of him
The dynamic the main character and the older brother have
Is basically a more sugar coated version of me and my mother

“Why cant i?”
“its not fair!”
“I just wanna ___!”

These were my cries when i was younger,
The fucking hair pulling the main character does,
The sneaking out,
The “maybe if ___ i wont get in too much trouble”
The “what’s the issue as long as ____”
Even the fact that i made the damn character twelve doesn’t help,
Thats me, that is my twelve year old self,

This isn't a fictional story,
This is a dramatic retelling of a traumatic event i had,
Using characters as pseudonyms for people in my life
For a fucking school assignment.

Sammy is my little sister,
Icey is (very loosely, but they have the role) my older sister,
Autumn is my fucking mother,
Flame is me,

The story ends far too happily for something i wrote doesn't it?
First, it's a school assignment,
Second, its how i wished my life had been

Wanna know how that story really ended?
Tears and avoidance.
I was yelled at some more for scaring her (mother) like that,
And the yelling for what i’d gotten in trouble for continued from where i left it,
Eventually i was dismissed to my room,
More tears fell while i stuffed myself in my closet for comfort,
Blasting my music in my headphones,
and everyone else in my family avoiding each other for the rest of the night.

Due note,
I had this realization right at co-op.
I had analyzed this writing assignment,
and realized this was me letting out trauma,
In the hallway of a church walking to my next class,
Two months ago.

Now,
the previous rant made me remember this,
So i reanalyzed it and thus
This rant.

=)

felt. majorly.

 

[Shawdios]

I dont know what to say for myself.
but I have issues.

I now see this thread as me trying to get attention

I also would like to note that I try to write out everything im feeling, and that I like being dramatic and express it with a flair.

do note that I compare emotional abuse to sexual and physical abuse in a harmful way

im aware of it. and I've tried to change how I think about it. but I can't.

I wrote the rant last night, and this note is today me cringing at myself

Spoiler

God dammit,
it's always the holidays that get me thinking about this.
But i don't get excited for things anymore

Remember when as a kid you may have been bouncing off the walls for christmas?
Or checking the clock constantly for when you’d go treat or treating?
Or, or! Counting down the days till your birthday?

I used to,
I don't anymore,
Is it cause I grew up?
I don't know,
But I miss it.

I miss being happy and excited for something.

Time flies so fast now.

Did you know?
It's been almost 3 weeks since I started this thread?
It's been a year since I first made my Angeltown Oc’s?
It's been three years since the pandemic started?

Where did the fucking time go?
Christmas is in four-ish days,
and I feel no different.
I dont feel excited for it
I didnt feel excited for halloween
I didnt feel excited for thanksgiving

My mother
*laughs*
Picked up on how depressed i was on halloween
When we were carving pumpkins

And,
*laughs again*
She asked me if I was being sexually abused.
Not in those words of course
But the idea and strongly implied question was understood

And i shot that shit down fast,
Cause i wasn’t!

And instead of oh I don’t know..
The way our family fights, insults, and puts each other down constantly,
And the effect that has, coming to mind
She jumps to SA!

No matter how much I sometimes wish I had a serious trauma.
Like SA or being beaten,
Just so i could be taken seriously when i say i have issues or depression,
And i know how fucked up that is.
To wish i had trauma when those with that trauma wish they didn’t

But i just want someone to notice my bad days
And to realize they happen for a reason
I want to be taken seriously when i tell someone i struggle
Instead of getting brushed off
And assumed that i'm making a joke

that's the issue
Im ignored all the time
I'm the one sitting alone at a party
That you come over to pity sit with
I'm the one wishing they had mental breakdowns in public
So I could be cared about.

Nah wait, i'm just an attention seeker,
Hoping that im fucked up enough to be interesting
It's why I turned to public journaling isn't it?
Thats all this thread fucking is,

I'm so dramatic,
my life sucks,
so angsty aren't i?
Uwu sadness!

No better than the whiney bitches on tiktok.
All I have to deal with is yelling.
Not even anything serious
Like being hurt or touched

Welp, mother,
hope you’re happy,
you raised an attention seeking people pleaser.

Fuck, can i not be dramatic for one gooddam second?!

I don't know why i'm like this,
Maybe i do it to entertain,
To get people to care
I don't know

But, look on the bright side?
At least it's not an identity crisis?
Or is that what this is?
…
Not sure,
Whatever it is,
Just gotta smile through it i guess
I started this by sucking shit up and not expressing it
Gotta deal with the consequences and stick to the status quo i made

 

[Shawdios]

NOTE: i wrote this before the previous rant, this spiralled into the previous rant

I tried to run away once,

Shocking! Le gasp!

Yeah, well,
i was 10 or 11 i think,
And i'm pretty sure that by now in this thread,
I've made it obvious as to why i would have wanted to

So anyway,
i tried to run away
I packed my drawing shit up
My favorite stuffed animal
I made sure to bring winter and summer clothes
Along with a pillow
And a 12 pack of some sort of packaged food
I don't remember what it was specifically
And i think i brought some sort of electronic
It may have just been my Mp3 player

But for a 10-11 year old,
I did pretty well to think of all the things i would need
And pack it all into a single backpack,

I don't think i was sat down to watch the documentary yet,
But I may have.
i dont fucking know the order of all this anymore,
I suppressed this shit.

Okay, back on track,
I snuck out of the house around midnight,
and walked nearly a mile down the street out of my development,
hiding in the bushes when someone walked by

My feet hurt,
i was cold,
And i remember thinking all about the “new life” i was going to have
I was going to take care of myself
Rename myself rebecca
And live in a treehouse once I had enough money to buy myself some land.

Oh you sweet naive child me

I don't remember why i turned around
But i did
And i slipped into the house
Nobody the wiser to me having left.
Till i knocked over a bunch of metal wire shelves leaned up in the hallway.

I hid the backpack in the next room,
my mother came down to see just me standing in front of the knocked over shelves.
She thought i had just snuck downstairs to search for an electronic
I was yelled at for a few minutes
Then sent back to bed.

Nobody in my family knows I tried to run away.
Nobody but my older sister,
Who I told with an offhand comment about it once.

I find it funny
But sometimes i wonder what would have happened
if i didn't hide the backpack in time.

I’d like to think something would have changed for the better,
Or I'd have received comfort.
But that's the fanfic reader in me

I probably would have just been yelled at some more.

 

[Shawdios]

So there's this vent drawing(s) I did, around a month ago

Spoiler

Based on a confrontation I had with a public schooler

And its no longer true
But i didn’t do it to prove the person right
I did it out of curiosity
I had found a handheld pencil sharpener
After a loud argument with my mother
and out of a morbid urge
I scrambled to undo the screw holding the blade

I’ve never been bothered by blood
So it wasn’t off putting to see
Rest assured, I did not cut deep
Nothing worse than what my cat could give me

But fuck
It was addicting
I tried different areas to see which hurt more and by proxy, to avoid
Upper Inner arm? Stings like heeeell
Chest, not as much, barely able to tell any pain but it makes me nervous because there could be dangerous veins to avoid and the skin is soft so i don't know if i go deep if i push too hard, but it is less noticeable than on the arm because it can be covered by a shirt regardless of sleeves.
Anyway
For me it was like decorating
Like a form of art
My skin was a canvas and the blade was a pencil
I almost tried to play tic-tac-toe with myself
But i held off from doing more than what i’d tested

I dont know what to say for myself
I didn’t want to become part of a statistic
But i get it now
Why other teenagers do it
Its… fun?
But it scares me too
Cause i don't want to cut a vein
And bleed out

At least i have the perfect excuse and reputation to cover it up
My family knows that i love turtlenecks and hate swimming
And this was way before yesterday that this reputation was instilled
My lungs hurt and feel like they’re being pressed on if i stay chest deep in a pool for too long
And i just love the comfyness of a turtleneck

 

[Jannah]

I’m homeschooled.

Not onlineschooled like all of the public schoolers during the pandemic that say “oh yeah im homeschooled!” No. You are not homeschooled. You are onlineschooled. I am homeschooled.

me being homeschooled meaning, teaching myself from a textbook handed to me by my mother, or going to a co-op once a week with other homeschoolers thats run by other homeschooler parents to be taught subjects you cant teach yourself or be taught by your parrents.

i am sick of lighting up when i hear someone online proclaim they are homeschooled, only to deflate when they say “yeah, i did a bunch of online classes over the lockdowns“ im sick of having the media represent us as “weird, quirky, and misfit” and never showing the actual homeschooling and only “oh i was homeschooled for most of my life, but now I’m going to public school! Hope i make friends!”

Im sick of public schoolers saying that we have it lucky. im fucking sick of it. We are more isolated than you will ever know, you think the pandemic lockdown in 2020 was bad? Imagine that lockdown being your entire life. (Im speaking from my experience, other homeschoolers may have it differently, but in general we don’t get to socialize as much as public schoolers) it is lonely as fuck.

we get mental illnesses just like you, we get bullied too (albeit not as much, i wont deny that) we can have shit parents too. But oh wait. Shit parrents! The people who are the ones fucking teaching you when you are homeschooled. You at least have the reprieve of going to school, getting away and hanging out with friends. You have that ability to have a sigh of relief. Or maybe school is just as bad, i wont invalidate that, maybe you dont get a sigh of relief, maybe you dont have friends at school. Maybe school is worse than the shit at home. To which i offer you a hug, i feel you, you deserve rest.

but everyone else? Fuck you. Don’t you dare say i have it easier.

Don't know if this was the case for you, but from my experiences a lot of parents who choose to homeschool their kids do so because they're religious fundamentalists who don't want their kids being exposed to secular ideas and ideas from other religions outside their own. This alone makes it not the healthiest experience I'm sure. It's no accident that some countries actually ban it. I know in recent years it's been an especially hot topic because a lot of these same religious fundie parents think public schools are turning kids socialist and gay. It's actually pretty ridiculous.

 

[Shawdios]

Don't know if this was the case for you, but from my experiences a lot of parents who choose to homeschool their kids do so because they're religious fundamentalists who don't want their kids being exposed to secular ideas and ideas from other religions outside their own. This alone makes it not the healthiest experience I'm sure. It's no accident that some countries actually ban it. I know in recent years it's been an especially hot topic because a lot of these same religious fundie parents think public schools are turning kids socialist and gay. It's actually pretty ridiculous.

I was homeschooled since kindergarten, but I would say that my parents are fundamentalists. I've had friends be blocked because they were queer.

I also would say that public-school isn't the healthiest ether, they've both got their pros and cons

 

[KawaiiCat444]

So recently I stopped showing my mom the art i drew because I be really proud of this thing I put a lot of effort into, only for her to brush me off and make me feel like shit. Why bother with her, I can just draw for me! Well aparently now i've 'stopped drawing' in her eyes, and she now is harrassing me to draw every day. It's pissing me off, she didn't bother to care about my art before but now she cares? She does this with everything, Especialy grades, no matter how hard I work to get an A, she brushes me off when I show her but gets angry when I stop getting As. Like, I understand that she's busy with my sisters and stuff but, she only seems to pay attention to me when I'm in trouble, She needs me to do something, when we are rarely alone, or now, when she makes a problem to 'solve'. And know she's turning my favroite hobbie into homework, expecting me to draw before I do literally anything else. I want to talk with her about this but she likes to defend herself and get angry when I try to talk to her like an adult. She's probably going to burn me out before I manage to say anything, and I highly doubt she'll notice when she does.

 

[Shawdios]

So recently I stopped showing my mom the art i drew because I be really proud of this thing I put a lot of effort into, only for her to brush me off and make me feel like shit. Why bother with her, I can just draw for me! Well aparently now i've 'stopped drawing' in her eyes, and she now is harrassing me to draw every day. It's pissing me off, she didn't bother to care about my art before but now she cares? She does this with everything, Especialy grades, no matter how hard I work to get an A, she brushes me off when I show her but gets angry when I stop getting As. Like, I understand that she's busy with my sisters and stuff but, she only seems to pay attention to me when I'm in trouble, She needs me to do something, when we are rarely alone, or now, when she makes a problem to 'solve'. And know she's turning my favroite hobbie into homework, expecting me to draw before I do literally anything else. I want to talk with her about this but she likes to defend herself and get angry when I try to talk to her like an adult. She's probably going to burn me out before I manage to say anything, and I highly doubt she'll notice when she does.

i offer a hug to you, i get the whole "only pays attention when there's an issue" thing. i hope your hobby can survive and still manage to give you joy, I'm artistcly burnt out right now so i also offer my sympathies.