Poetry My Suffering Poems

[Cello.]

It all burnt down.
My life.
My heart.
My mind.
My soul.
My feelings.
I dont want to rebuild.
Im fine sitting here in the ashes of my crumbled reality.
Hanging onto the strings of what seemed to be stability.
It wasnt.
Everything was unstable and on the verge of collapsing but the illusion of hope held it together.
The lines are fraying.
Slowly snapping away.
And then...
That shattered too.
Collapsed with everything else.
Now I stand in the midsts of my rubble.

 

[Cello.]

I look at you.
And by the gods youre beautiful.
A hidden sin on earth.
Waiting for someone to come along and see.
Forbidden trysts.
Forbidden words.
Hidden feelings.
A poison deadly on my lips.
Forgotten smiles.
Loss of words.
Thoughts whisped away.
A hidden wrath and sparkling eyes, daring those to challenge you.
By the gods I fell hard.

 

[Cello.]

How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?
Or the things we did?
Or the things we should have done?
The things we should have not done?
How do we forgive ourselves for every passing moment of everything and nothing of what we became?

 

[Cello.]

You want me to never wake.
To stay here under the wind blown trees.
And how tempting it was.
To stay.
To be loved.
To be me.
To be us.
But the real world calls for me.
It begs for my eyes to be pried open.
For me to see again.
Wish I could stay with you here.
To never wake from this blissful dream.
But the real world calls and as tempting as dreams are.
Sometimes you got to wake up.
And this was the time.
We kiss each other goodbye.
And that was it.
No more running around through the daisies.
No more stolen moments beneath the oak tree.
No more stargazing at midnight.
No more strolls in the gardens.
It was time to wake even if I wanted to stay.
Now that I go back everything seems so different.
Nothing is beautiful here like it was in the dreams.
Oh how I wish I stayed.
How I could have lived and breathed.
How I could have loved.
I didnt want to say goodbye.

 

[Cello.]

This one has a trigger warning as it does talk about eating disorders. So please be warned and if that triggers you please do not read!

My bones were selfish
Demanding to be seen.
On the throne of my body
They gave themselves the title of queen.
No matter the cost.
No matter the price.
They want the prize
Of a small waist and an unhealthy size.
They scream; I cry.
They demand; I want to die.
I gave up so long ago on fighting these toxic thoughts.
Never will be good enough.
Never will be pretty enough.
And worst of all never thin enough.
Nothing appeases the skeleton thats rising from underneath.
Nor the emotions and voices that rearise.
How much will be too much?
I no longer know
Cant stop till my rips start to show.
Nothing will appease the words and standards of society.
Nothing will quiet the screaming storms in my head.
And right when I think im getting stronger new bombs are dropped.
Smaller hips.
Bigger lips.
Even more tips.
Now if I disobey whats been said.
If I swallow the food i chew.
They would scream and cry and rage.
Because thats not what a lady is supposed to do.
My bones demand to sit on the hallow throne.
No matter the cost.
No matter the price.
As long as they obtain the prize.
Cant stop till my ribs show.
Now counting calories and fearing my weight.
My plans will be ruined by this bite of cake.
Dont eat.
Dont shallow.
Dont speak.
Appease everyone.
Even if I slowly disappear.
Get the small waist and unattainable weight.
My reflection is something I now fear.
I fear the parts of my stomach will not disappear.
Even if the girl in the mirror is skin and bones.
I must be skinner.
So ill listen to my stomach growl as I lie in bed.
Because whats a little bit of hunger?
As long as im thinner.
So now I thank you society.
For messing up my life.
For making my bones tough.
And for me not being enough.
For jutting ribs.
And growling insides.
But hey thank you society.
For not letting me be ok with my body.
Probs to you for letting me be skin and bones.

 

[Cello.]

The lines are snapping.
I am running thin.
Breaking from within.
I chose to love you in silence.
Because in the silence I fear no rejection.
Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.
Loving you is the most exquisite form of self-destruction.
They told be to be careful.
Because butterflies can turn to wasps.
And when your stomach flutters and your hands shake and your cheeks flush.
Sometimes its not love.
But I chose not to listen and gave in to self-deprecation.
Who needs cocaine when human emotion can fuck you up the same.
Its now two in the morning and I have no clue what to do.
Because my mond cant stop racong at the thought of you.
But loving you is the most painful thing to do.
Knowing that youll be kissed by somebody else is poison to the mind.
Knowing ill not be the one resting by your side.
Its like being immortal and all you wanna do is lie down and die.
Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.
But I know you will never look at me like I look at you.
Because you do not want me in the way I want you.
And yes I know you will never be mine.
But that doesnt stop me from looking for your face in a crowded room.
It doesnt stop my hands from shaking and my voice stumbling.
Because you hold her hand while I hold mine.
Loving you is the most exquisite form of self-destruction.
Thinking of you is a poison I drink often.
Who needs cocaine when human emotion can fuck you up just the same.

 

[Cello.]

Ttigger Warning as it talks about self harm and depression
They said breathe.
They said everything would be ok.
They lied.
When you feel like this inside you cant breathe.
Your throat is stuffed and feels like no matter how much you scream they cant hear you.
Its suffocating to constantly be self deprecating without another thought.
You have survived before.
I know that but what if i dont survive this time?
What if my mind is a raging war and the only way to seem like I can end it is to disappear?
This will pass.
I know but it still hurts.
The clouds in me are raining.
And its thundering in my head, drowning out my thoughts.
The smile has turned upside down.
Death is now a delicate taste on my lips.
An easy way to escape the raging wars and constant cries.
Sleep has no longer became sleep but an escape.
People have it worse than you do.
I also know this but I still matter.
Nothing feels right either.
Sometimes all I can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before I fall apart.
I dont want my eyes to cry rivers or carve my wrists into canons.
Get over it its just for attention.
Maybe.
But it feels too real and I dont think I would act.
This hurts too much to be fake at this point.
Thye don't know that its like a mind thats trying to die while a body fights to survive.
But ok ill suck it up and put on a mask.
Cause thats all they want me to do anyway so ill agree.
They say its ok and just to breathe.
Its hard to breathe or to remember.
When your mind is clouded with the thoughts of sleeping forever.
Or when you are alone and the war rages louder.
Or your crys turn into wails as you crumble to the floor.
Carving your plains into canons as the knife glides.
The water stained red and rapidly growing.
Pooling around you as you slow your cries.
Feeling better as the pain takes over.
Its only a matter of time before the thoughts appear again and you go back to the self-deprecating thoughts.
And the raging wars.
And clouds in your insides.
But you put on that smile and pretend everything is fine for them.
Because it will be ok they said.
Well they lied.

 

[Harmonic Raindrops]

wow.

 

[Cello.]

Thank you

 

[Cello.]

This valley was once peaceful.
Full of flowers and blooming trees.
So full of stillness and clear skies.
No cloud to be seen.
Each tree held a memory.
Each flower a feeling.
Each river purifying you.
Washing away everything.
You are happy and at peace.
Take a deep breath.
The air is still and fresh.
Nothing that sends panic.
Spin around and hum.
The flowers will thank you.
Then when you are a thought with anothers mind the roses will bloom.
A little to the west of east of the grove.
A beautiful garden spouting waiting to be fed.
Just another thought.
So go say hello.
Then as you walk away or spin if you chose.
You will know how much each being loves you.
Run your fingers through the weeds.
Up root them but appreciate their stay.
Stay farewell and see them another day.
A smile and wave goodbye as you return to the main part of the valley.
Where you look over everything and become a little proud.
Because this was you in the making.
Each little thing.
Each little leaf.
Each little petal.
Each little run off of a stream.
Then when the clouds come the flowers became watered.
With bad memories and tasteless thoughts.
For as every drop of rain the sky cries another flower is lain to waste.
The valley quickly growing to be midnight.
But it would be ok.
You still had the trees.
You still had the flowers.
You still had the beauty.
Just a little bit darker.
Until everything is struck down and it keeps dying.
This once beautiful valley had been dried.
You no longer sing.
No more room to breathe.
And then..
The valley becomes baren.
What was beautiful and blooming become a mine field of disaster.

 

[Cello.]

What happened?
What happened to forever?
What happened to those smiles?
And carefree whiles?
What happened to happy?
What happened to peace?
What happened to cause us to bleed?
Im sick of falling..

And falling..​

And falling.​

Im sick of not being enough.
Im sick of worrying.
Im sick of these thoughts plaguing my mind.
Im just sick in general.
These thought get to me.
Destroy me from inside.
Then it comes for my mind.
Clouding my eyes.
Causing me to believe you once cared.
That you once believed in those smiles.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PEACE?
WHY DID IT TURN TO WAR?
IM SO SICK.
Can we just not bleed.
Can I just not fall.

And fall.​

And fall.​

Why did you let me bleed?
Im so sorry.
That I wasn't everything I was ought to be.
That it wasnt enough.
But im sorry I ruined it all.
What happened?
What happened to forever?
What happened to those smiles?
And carefree whiles?
What happened to happy?
What happened to peace?
What happened to cause us to bleed?
Im sick of falling..
And falling..
And falling.
Im sick of not being enough.
Im sick of worrying.
Im sick of these thoughts plaguing my mind.
Im just sick in general.
These thought get to me.
Destroy me from inside.
Then it comes for my mind.
Clouding my eyes.
Causing me to believe you once cared.
That you once believed in those smiles.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PEACE?
WHY DID IT TURN TO WAR?
IM SO SICK.
Can we just not bleed.
Can I just not fall.
And fall.
And fall.
Why did you let me bleed?
Im sorry.
Im so sorry i ruined everything.
Im sorry I wasnt enough.
Im sorry I didnt appease.
Or meet the standards you placed on me.
Im sorry im so sorry..
Sorry for not being everything.
For not being enough.
For failing.
For stopping.
For giving up.
But in the end didnt you give up too?
Didnt you do the exact same thing I did?
I cannot take all the blame.
For it was not all for me.
It was not a little gift waiting for me.
But I get it.
Sometimes you just need to let go..

 

[Cello.]

I ask them hey, are you doing alright?
They reply yea im a-ok
And I say great
Then I go about my day.
Why does no one ask me if im ok?
When they ask if im fine.
I lie through my teeth.
Yea Im a-ok!
But really
I cant think
I cant breathe
What is this feeling?
I am drowning
And they are watching me.
Im on the verge
Hardly living
Im possessed with their thoughts
Is this what they call surviving?
Im on the sidelines shouting
And is like they cant hear me.
What if I was to disappear
Would they even care?
Not a word breathed my way.
I see how they act.
I read what they type.
Why cant I be
Apart of anything
I watch these friendships grow
But only as a spectator
No one even cares
If I was to up and leave
With out a trace.
Its like I have no voice.
My problems dont matter
They skip past me
Talks die when I decide
That I can speak
No one ever listens
When I say to remove something
When its about me.
No one ever asks if im alright
I just want to be ok.
I want someone to ask, how was your day?
I want to be able to break down and cry rivers
But I build it up till the point I explode
Im sorry for my actions
And my words
Im sorry for how I act
Im sorry im not enough
Im sorry im trying to survive.
This isnt enough.
I cant breathe
I cant think
I feel like im drowning
And they are just watching me
But ill put it aside
Because this isnt about me
But please know
Im not alright
Even if I pretend to be.

 

[Cello.]

This is a start of another poem but I havent posted in awhile so I thought I should
They told me I deserved to bleed
How foolish am I to think
I could escape what they said
Now my body cries red
Oh how bad it hurts
Please save me
For I am drowning