Chimney Swift
i am confusion
So I say this a lot, and I know hundreds of people have said it before me, but I feel that it bears repeating.
I'm sure we've all heard these phrases before:
While often intended as relatively harmless, these phrases tick me off for two reasons. The first reason is that the word people are looking to use here usually isn't actually empathy, it's compassion. Secondly, as a person who struggles with both facets of empathy (affective moreso than cognitive), I detest the notion that I'm incompassionate or unfeeling.
For starters, let's break down some similar words that actually mean different things.
Cognitive Empathy: The ability to intuit what someone else is feeling based on circumstances or communicative cues. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You know, without them telling you this directly, that they must be sad.)
Affective Empathy: Having an emotional response to the emotions of others. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You feel sad for them.)
Sympathy: The belief that another person's emotions are understandable given the circumstances, or the ability to relate to another person's emotions based on prior experience. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You also had a death in the family recently, so you understand what they're going through.)
Compassion: The desire to help people who are suffering, or the intrinsic belief that people should be treated with kindness. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You want to know if there's anything you can do for them at this time.)
See how empathy (particularly affective empathy) and sympathy aren't necessary to behave compassionately?
You can be unsure how someone is exactly feeling, unable to feel their feelings vicariously, or not understand why they feel how they do, and still want the best for people and want to help people when and where you can. That's my whole point.
I sort of feel like there's an element of ableism to this societal expectation of empathy rather than just kindness and compassion. If you don't know me or haven't already guessed by this point in the rant, I have autism. I write much better than I speak, and I struggle with sensory input and socio-emotional cues, among other symptoms. Education and therapy have helped me develop a degree of cognitive empathy (hence, why I'm able to be an actor and hobbyist writer), but there's really nothing that can be done to teach affective empathy. It's an ability that most people have, but some people don't. Getting angry at people for not having the "right" (typical) emotional reactions to situations is kind of a dick move if you ask me, but it's so ingrained in our social system that it's hard to combat.
I cannot tell you how many times I've been called cold, uncaring or even cruel for not becoming visibly emotional during times when other people might. Funnily, it's the same people who call me hypersensitive, irrational or dramatic when I have an emotional response to something that most people don't mind. Literally neither of those things say anything about my personal morals or capacity for kindness.
Does this mean I think empathy is irrelevant/not useful? Of course not. A lot of people find that their capacity for empathy is the reason for their desire to be compassionate. And that's fine. But what is also fine is developing compassion as a belief independently of my ability to vicariously experience the feelings of others.
I may not be tapped into other people's emotional worlds, but that doesn't mean I don't understand emotions. I act. I write. I know what all these feelings feel like, even if I'm not always feeling them when you are.
And that in no way makes me an asshole.
Affective empathy is like perfect pitch. It's a neutral thing you either have or you don't.
Compassion is a choice.
In closing, look back at the phrases above. The next time you use them, think about these instead:
I'm sure we've all heard these phrases before:
- "Show some empathy!"
- "This situation/job requires a high degree of empathy."
- "This person was profoundly unempathetic towards me."
- "Empathize with me here."
While often intended as relatively harmless, these phrases tick me off for two reasons. The first reason is that the word people are looking to use here usually isn't actually empathy, it's compassion. Secondly, as a person who struggles with both facets of empathy (affective moreso than cognitive), I detest the notion that I'm incompassionate or unfeeling.
For starters, let's break down some similar words that actually mean different things.
Cognitive Empathy: The ability to intuit what someone else is feeling based on circumstances or communicative cues. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You know, without them telling you this directly, that they must be sad.)
Affective Empathy: Having an emotional response to the emotions of others. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You feel sad for them.)
Sympathy: The belief that another person's emotions are understandable given the circumstances, or the ability to relate to another person's emotions based on prior experience. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You also had a death in the family recently, so you understand what they're going through.)
Compassion: The desire to help people who are suffering, or the intrinsic belief that people should be treated with kindness. (E.g, your coworker tells you their cousin has died. You want to know if there's anything you can do for them at this time.)
See how empathy (particularly affective empathy) and sympathy aren't necessary to behave compassionately?
You can be unsure how someone is exactly feeling, unable to feel their feelings vicariously, or not understand why they feel how they do, and still want the best for people and want to help people when and where you can. That's my whole point.
I sort of feel like there's an element of ableism to this societal expectation of empathy rather than just kindness and compassion. If you don't know me or haven't already guessed by this point in the rant, I have autism. I write much better than I speak, and I struggle with sensory input and socio-emotional cues, among other symptoms. Education and therapy have helped me develop a degree of cognitive empathy (hence, why I'm able to be an actor and hobbyist writer), but there's really nothing that can be done to teach affective empathy. It's an ability that most people have, but some people don't. Getting angry at people for not having the "right" (typical) emotional reactions to situations is kind of a dick move if you ask me, but it's so ingrained in our social system that it's hard to combat.
I cannot tell you how many times I've been called cold, uncaring or even cruel for not becoming visibly emotional during times when other people might. Funnily, it's the same people who call me hypersensitive, irrational or dramatic when I have an emotional response to something that most people don't mind. Literally neither of those things say anything about my personal morals or capacity for kindness.
Does this mean I think empathy is irrelevant/not useful? Of course not. A lot of people find that their capacity for empathy is the reason for their desire to be compassionate. And that's fine. But what is also fine is developing compassion as a belief independently of my ability to vicariously experience the feelings of others.
I may not be tapped into other people's emotional worlds, but that doesn't mean I don't understand emotions. I act. I write. I know what all these feelings feel like, even if I'm not always feeling them when you are.
And that in no way makes me an asshole.
Affective empathy is like perfect pitch. It's a neutral thing you either have or you don't.
Compassion is a choice.
In closing, look back at the phrases above. The next time you use them, think about these instead:
- "Please be compassionate."
- "This situation/job requires a high degree of emotional awareness."
- "This person was inconsiderate towards me."
- "Please show me some kindness."
