Other Lookingfor help with writing a story I started

[CookieCrim]

I'm currently writing a mafia story that I've been developing for months now. I managed to write a started for it but don't know how to proceed. I was hoping that someone could read what I've written and maybe give me a few ideas.

here's what I've written so far

The door flies open. Ayato's attention snaps towards the loud thump, watching as his right-hand man enters the room, somewhat calmly, despite the sudden outburst.

He exhales softly. "Good evening, Ayato."

"It's 'sir' to you," Ayato snaps, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, frowning at the male standing in front of him.

Ruki sighed, irritated. "Good evening, sir," He rolled his eyes.

Ayato gave a small nod of approval. "Speak."

"I'm sure you're aware of the possibility that there's being a traitor in our clan, yes?"

The leader raised an eyebrow, waiting for Ruki to continue talking.

"I've received a message from an anonymous sender. Apparently, they've hear of the news, and wish to join us. In return, they're willing to find the identity of the one betraying us."

Ayato stared at his right-hand man, with a tint of disbelief. "Surely you aren't that stupid. What if they have connections with the traitor? What do you think will happen if we let them do as they please, without knowing anything about them?" He hissed. "I refuse to let our clan be remembered as nothing more than a joke."

"I'm aware. I simply came to ask you for your thoughts on this."

Ayato pinched the bridge of his nose. "Tell them this," He cleared his throat. "first, they must reveal their own identity. If not, I refuse to let them in."

"And if they happen to obligate?"

There's a small huff from the red-haired man. "then we can discuss it."

Ruki bowed. "Very well. I will proceed to let them know."

He turned on his heel, and opened the door. Before he could manage to leave, he heard Ayato call out to him.

"Oh, just one more thing," He began. "Why do you seem so angry today?"

"Just having a bad day, that's all," Ruki muttered. He left the room, this time, closing the door gently.


If you have any ideas in mind, even if they're just small ones, then either reply to this thread or pm me. If your like more information about the story, then just pm me and I'd be happy to tell you more!

hope I can get some ideas out of this!

 

[Hirquitickitty]

I'm no author, so take this with a pinch of salt, but I think the dialogue could use some reworking to be more natural.
Certain lines like
"I'm sure you're aware of the possibility that there's being a traitor in our clan, yes?"
and
"Very well. I will proceed to let them know."

include words that don't really flow well in normal speech, which I bolded. I assume it was either an accident or you were trying to make them sound more professional- but they sound fine without the fluff. I suggest saying dialogue aloud to yourself or running it by someone else, often we don't realize how unnatural it sounds when it's all in writing.
Also, I have no clue where they are. Describing the setting a bit and how characters look can help with visualization.
I don't know too much about what's going on, but I do love mafia stories and enjoyed reading! This is a good start! I hope this goes well for you, :]

 

[CookieCrim]

I'm no author, so take this with a pinch of salt, but I think the dialogue could use some reworking to be more natural.
Certain lines like
"I'm sure you're aware of the possibility that there's being a traitor in our clan, yes?"
and
"Very well. I will proceed to let them know."

include words that don't really flow well in normal speech, which I bolded. I assume it was either an accident or you were trying to make them sound more professional- but they sound fine without the fluff. I suggest saying dialogue aloud to yourself or running it by someone else, often we don't realize how unnatural it sounds when it's all in writing.
Also, I have no clue where they are. Describing the setting a bit and how characters look can help with visualization.
I don't know too much about what's going on, but I do love mafia stories and enjoyed reading! This is a good start! I hope this goes well for you, :]

thank you so much for your adivice!

This is my very first time writing a mafia story so that's why there were some errors I didn't notice. I was trying to make them sound formal, but I'll take your advice and make the dialogue more natural.

Thank you again, your advice has really helped me out! (:

 

[Monday]

I do have some proofreading suggestions, but since Zerachlin already gave you some pointers, and since it's best to get your ideas down before worrying about the nitty gritty, I'll keep those to a minimum:

In the third line, you refer to Ruki as "the male". Novice writers have a habit of trying to jazz up their writing by using anything but boring old pronouns. This makes sense in theory, but in practice, it's clunky and awkward. It's okay to simply refer to him as "he/him" or by his name. "He" won't feel redundant as long as you don't start too many sentences with it, and sprinkle in the character's name every once in a while. If you must use a title or some other descriptor outside of introducing this character, put an adjective before it, e.g. "his impertinent right hand man".

Also, the word "obligate" in the twelfth line should actually be "oblige".

Cleaning up the dialogue by removing unnecessary words would make the scene flow better. For example:

"I've received a message from an anonymous sender" becomes "I've received an anonymous message".

"[T]hey're willing to find the identity of the one betraying us" becomes "they're willing to find the identity of the traitor" or even "they're willing to identify the traitor".

"I simply came to ask you for your thoughts on this" becomes "I simply came to hear your thoughts."

"I will proceed to let them know" becomes "I'll let them know." Hopefully you get the idea.

Another thing you can do to make this scene more engaging is to add more descriptions of your characters' appearances and their actions and body language during this exchange. You can communicate a lot about a character through their appearance and body language without outright stating it. Knowing more about the room they're in would also make it easier to visualize. Here are some questions to get you started on this process:

What are Ayato and Ruki's preferred styles of dress, and what does this say about their personalities?

Why is Ruki so informal with his boss, and why does Ayato let him get away with it, despite being annoyed? What should this tell the reader about their relationship and history?

What is Ayato doing before Ruki comes in?

Is he annoyed to be interrupted? Is he more concerned or annoyed by the news Ruki brings?

Is his calm demeanor genuine, or a mask?

What kind of room are they in? Is it a living room? A lounge? An office?

How do the furnishings reflect on Ayato's taste?

You can also tweak the dialogue a bit to give it more flavor, and show more of your character's thought processes. I'll show you what I mean by rewriting lines 15 and 16. I don't know much about your characters, so don't feel like you have to use this. It's just an example. I'll also throw my other tips in there.

"Ruki," he called. Ruki paused, his hand on the doorknob. "You seem angry. More so than usual, that is."

"Just a bad day ," he muttered. Aloud, he said, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it. I should get to work." He left, closing the door gently.

Ayato leaned forward on his elbows and frowned at the door. By now he knew that he and Ruki had very different definitions of "nothing". Something was definitely going on, and he was determined to find out what.

See what those changes reveal about the characters? We now know that Ruki is often irritable, but that this time he doesn't want Ayato to know the reasons behind it because he has something to hide. The way he tells his boss not to worry and closes the door gently, in contrast to how he barged in earlier, can be seen as passive-aggressive. We also know he and Ayato have had disagreements in the past because of their clashing personalities- Ayato being the more cautious and diligent of the two- and we begin to suspect that Ayato doesn't trust him.

Finally, if you've invented other characters, such as the families of the main characters, other mafia members, maybe a police officer or investigator on their trail, etc., they can be a rich source of plot ideas. It's important to know what their motives are. If Ayato has a brother, maybe he's looking to usurp him and is in league with the traitor. If he has a sister, maybe she's in love with a member of a rival mafia family. These are pretty cliché, but they're just examples. Ayato already has a stated goal of preserving his family's reputation and memory. But asking why he's consumed by this goal, if you haven't already, should give you some interesting ideas. Did his father instill this in him from a young age? Has the clan been humiliated in the past, or has he seen this happen to another clan? Are they a struggling or minor player in the crime world, and does he want to improve their standing? That sort of thing.

I hope these tips make sense and are helpful. Feel free to ask any questions.

 

[CookieCrim]

I do have some proofreading suggestions, but since Zerachlin already gave you some pointers, and since it's best to get your ideas down before worrying about the nitty gritty, I'll keep those to a minimum:

In the third line, you refer to Ruki as "the male". Novice writers have a habit of trying to jazz up their writing by using anything but boring old pronouns. This makes sense in theory, but in practice, it's clunky and awkward. It's okay to simply refer to him as "he/him" or by his name. "He" won't feel redundant as long as you don't start too many sentences with it, and sprinkle in the character's name every once in a while. If you must use a title or some other descriptor outside of introducing this character, put an adjective before it, e.g. "his impertinent right hand man".

Also, the word "obligate" in the twelfth line should actually be "oblige".

Cleaning up the dialogue by removing unnecessary words would make the scene flow better. For example:

"I've received a message from an anonymous sender" becomes "I've received an anonymous message".

"[T]hey're willing to find the identity of the one betraying us" becomes "they're willing to find the identity of the traitor" or even "they're willing to identify the traitor".

"I simply came to ask you for your thoughts on this" becomes "I simply came to hear your thoughts."

"I will proceed to let them know" becomes "I'll let them know." Hopefully you get the idea.

Another thing you can do to make this scene more engaging is to add more descriptions of your characters' appearances and their actions and body language during this exchange. You can communicate a lot about a character through their appearance and body language without outright stating it. Knowing more about the room they're in would also make it easier to visualize. Here are some questions to get you started on this process:

What are Ayato and Ruki's preferred styles of dress, and what does this say about their personalities?

Why is Ruki so informal with his boss, and why does Ayato let him get away with it, despite being annoyed? What should this tell the reader about their relationship and history?

What is Ayato doing before Ruki comes in?

Is he annoyed to be interrupted? Is he more concerned or annoyed by the news Ruki brings?

Is his calm demeanor genuine, or a mask?

What kind of room are they in? Is it a living room? A lounge? An office?

How do the furnishings reflect on Ayato's taste?

You can also tweak the dialogue a bit to give it more flavor, and show more of your character's thought processes. I'll show you what I mean by rewriting lines 15 and 16. I don't know much about your characters, so don't feel like you have to use this. It's just an example. I'll also throw my other tips in there.

"Ruki," he called. Ruki paused, his hand on the doorknob. "You seem angry. More so than usual, that is."

"Just a bad day ," he muttered. Aloud, he said, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it. I should get to work." He left, closing the door gently.

Ayato leaned forward on his elbows and frowned at the door. By now he knew that he and Ruki had very different definitions of "nothing". Something was definitely going on, and he was determined to find out what.

See what those changes reveal about the characters? We now know that Ruki is often irritable, but that this time he doesn't want Ayato to know the reasons behind it because he has something to hide. The way he tells his boss not to worry and closes the door gently, in contrast to how he barged in earlier, can be seen as passive-aggressive. We also know he and Ayato have had disagreements in the past because of their clashing personalities- Ayato being the more cautious and diligent of the two- and we begin to suspect that Ayato doesn't trust him.

Finally, if you've invented other characters, such as the families of the main characters, other mafia members, maybe a police officer or investigator on their trail, etc., they can be a rich source of plot ideas. It's important to know what their motives are. If Ayato has a brother, maybe he's looking to usurp him and is in league with the traitor. If he has a sister, maybe she's in love with a member of a rival mafia family. These are pretty cliché, but they're just examples. Ayato already has a stated goal of preserving his family's reputation and memory. But asking why he's consumed by this goal, if you haven't already, should give you some interesting ideas. Did his father instill this in him from a young age? Has the clan been humiliated in the past, or has he seen this happen to another clan? Are they a struggling or minor player in the crime world, and does he want to improve their standing? That sort of thing.

I hope these tips make sense and are helpful. Feel free to ask any questions.

Thank you so much for your tips and advice! Iok take on board everything you've said and make this started much better!

You're advice has really helped me out, so thanks so much (:

 

[Monday]

Thank you so much for your tips and advice! Iok take on board everything you've said and make this started much better!

You're advice has really helped me out, so thanks so much (:

You're welome! I'm glad I was able to help!