Ken “UNO” Miller- please give feedback for my character!

strwberrycyborg

Magic Eight Ball
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(Please note that any art in my posts belongs to me, unless stated otherwise. Please do not use it without my full, written permission.)

Name
Ken “UNO” Miller

Age
24

Gender
male

Race
zombie

Height
188 cm

Weight
78.6 kg

Occupation
convenience store cashier

Residence
Tokyo, Japan



Personality
Basic (strangers, first impressions)-
He’s pessimistic, hard-working, and likes to mind his own business. Leaves a first impression that screams “delinquent”- with his tall figure, dyed hair, and rough speech.
He snaps at people that cause him trouble or pry too much into his personal life. Tends to treat people of superiority and those in his inner circle much differently than people he has no connection with.

Friendly-
A bit of a pushover towards his friends. Aggressively loyal, may even become strongly overprotective. Becomes much less tense around people he’s used to. Even strangely cuddly? A good listener who gives advice if it is wanted or needed. But it’s the more bluntly honest kind of guidance.

Weaknesses-
His undead condition has taken a toll on his mental health.
He often suffers from episodes of lethargy and depression. He feel a great sense of shame surrounding his new form- often struggling with the idea that he is a “monster”. He does everything he can to hide his nonhuman features and nature from others.



Misc. Notes
UNO is not a “traditional” zombie. He has retained his full intelligence and almost all of his function. But there are many physiological differences that seperate him from an alive human being.

His body is as cold as the grave. His heart still beats however. He does not feel pain and his dexterity is worse than average. He requires very little rest to function and finds it difficult to sleep for more than 3 hours a day.

UNO’s diet has also been altered. He is an obligate carnivore (similar to felines) and has lost the ability to digest plant matter. He throws up anything he consumes that isn’t meat. As a zombie, eating animal meat (beef, chicken, fish, etc.) will make UNO feel full. But it doesn’t contain the right nutrients to sustain him. If he doesn’t eat a substantial amount of human flesh once every two or so weeks, it will impact his health until he has reached a “hungry” state. Where he will loose all sentience and attack anything in a desperate attempt to survive.



Relations
Family-
Father- Jacob Miller, 52, alive

Mother- Naomi Miller, 47, alive

Grandmother- Atsuko Hayashi, 78, alive

Grandfather- Arata Hayashi, 82, deceased


Friends-
(To be updated.)


Enemies-
(To be updated.)



Quick Background
Ken Miller was born in Los Angeles, California.
His household was multinational. Jacob met Naomi during his time at the United States embassy in Tokyo. She was an English teacher in one of the local high schools, drinking away the pressure from her parents to marry. The two fell deeply in love and moved to America soon after Jacob proposed.

Ken’s life was comfortable. He was surrounded by love and support, and quite a bit of money. He was mostly influenced by his mother growing up, due to his father’s frequent absence because of business.

It was in the blink of an eye he graduated from high school. His parents were so impressed by his top marks that they suggested he should take a gap-year in Japan. As a sort of reward for his efforts. Ken was excited by this opportunity, as he hadn’t been in the country for a few years. He practically leaped at the chance.

But fate can always take an unfortunate turn.

After a late night of drinking, Ken decided to do the responsible thing and take a taxi back to his host family’s home. The driver was a bit overzealous with his acceleration because he was desperate for his shift to end. The car ended up loosing control on a tight corner in a residential area, and crashed against a large brick fence. The driver only sustained minor head injuries. Ken was not so lucky. He died at the scene.

In a state of panic the driver hid the young man in an alley way dumpster, covering him with piles of garbage in order to conceal the crime. Ken’s body was later found by a local family physician, the mysterious Lu Zhou.

Ken woke up sitting in Dr. Zhou’s waiting room. He couldn’t remember much of anything at first. But slowly his past returned to him. Everything except his name, and his time in Japan prior to his death.

There wasn’t much Dr. Zhou could do to help regain the man’s memory. He could, however, give him a name. UNO, meaning “one”- the world’s first zombie.

~~

I’ve been trying to make my characters a little more interesting and their bios a little more bullshit-free. I would like feedback to see if I succeeded at any of those things... :’D
I would appreciate constructive criticism as to how I could improve my character or his bio (critique of my art is also welcome).
Thank you in advance!
 
Leaves a first impression that screams “delinquent”- with his tall figure, dyed hair, and rough speech.
This does not belong in personality. This has nothing to do with his behavior, and can easily be cut out without any of the rest losing meaning.

ends to treat people of superiority and those in his inner circle much differently than people he has no connection with.
You say this, and then you never explain how he treats them differently.

Also, who are "people of superiority"? Like, his superiors (AKA, those that get to boss him around) or like just people he thinks are better than him? Or something else entirely?

Basic (strangers, first impressions)-
He’s pessimistic, hard-working, and likes to mind his own business. Leaves a first impression that screams “delinquent”- with his tall figure, dyed hair, and rough speech.
He snaps at people that cause him trouble or pry too much into his personal life. Tends to treat people of superiority and those in his inner circle much differently than people he has no connection with.

Friendly-
A bit of a pushover towards his friends. Aggressively loyal, may even become strongly overprotective. Becomes much less tense around people he’s used to. Even strangely cuddly? A good listener who gives advice if it is wanted or needed. But it’s the more bluntly honest kind of guidance.

Weaknesses-
His undead condition has taken a toll on his mental health.
He often suffers from episodes of lethargy and depression. He feel a great sense of shame surrounding his new form- often struggling with the idea that he is a “monster”. He does everything he can to hide his nonhuman features and nature from others.
There is no need to separate the personality like this. It doesn't even make any sense. Usually when people do that it's
Personality:

Personality Trait 1
Explanation about how Personality Trait 1 affects their personality

Personality Trait 2
Explanation about how Personality Trait 2 affects their personality

etc... etc...

But you here separate traits when there isn't much to separate to begin with (usually people do that when they are listing some 6 or more traits and explaining them in detail), what's beneath each of the last two is basically unreleated to their "titles" ("friendliness" never explains any friendly trait, if anything the prior personality already shot down him being friendly, and the actual description is just a bunch of other personality traits) ("weaknesses" makes it sound like you think mental health problems are a flaw in someone's personality, which is definitely not the case)

UNO’s diet has also been altered. He is an obligate carnivore (similar to felines) and has lost the ability to digest plant matter. He throws up anything he consumes that isn’t meat. As a zombie, eating animal meat (beef, chicken, fish, etc.) will make UNO feel full. But it doesn’t contain the right nutrients to sustain him. If he doesn’t eat a substantial amount of human flesh once every two or so weeks, it will impact his health until he has reached a “hungry” state. Where he will loose all sentience and attack anything in a desperate attempt to survive.

Basically Tokyo Ghoul without the kagunes

(if you don't know what that is, I recommend you watch it as research for this character...and some solid entertainment)

Relations
Family-
Father- Jacob Miller, 52, alive

Mother- Naomi Miller, 47, alive

Grandmother- Atsuko Hayashi, 78, alive

Grandfather- Arata Hayashi, 82, deceased

What about the other two?

Friends-
(To be updated.)


Enemies-
(To be updated.)
Review
(to be updated)

After a late night of drinking, Ken decided to do the responsible thing and take a taxi back to his host family’s home. The driver was a bit overzealous with his acceleration because he was desperate for his shift to end. The car ended up loosing control on a tight corner in a residential area, and crashed against a large brick fence. The driver only sustained minor head injuries. Ken was not so lucky. He died at the scene.

This isn't so much a criticism, as it is possible this would happen, but wouldn't it make more sense in any of these ways:
A) He was still drinking and crashed because he was drunk (maybe drove somewhere where people wouldn't have found him immediately in his durnken stupor)

B) He was in the back of a car but the car got hit on the side by another, thus explaining why the main impact was on the back seat.

Because with just the tight corner, the car would still need to take a 90-180 turn for the driver not to be the main place for the impactm which would be a little odd for a tight corner (though not totally implausible either)

In a state of panic the driver hid the young man in an alley way dumpster, covering him with piles of garbage in order to conceal the crime. Ken’s body was later found by a local family physician, the mysterious Lu Zhou.
...what crime? This was an accident.

Ken woke up sitting in Dr. Zhou’s waiting room. He couldn’t remember much of anything at first. But slowly his past returned to him. Everything except his name, and his time in Japan prior to his death.
That seems very odd. He was born in California, so he didn't loose all of his memory. He only lost memories of being in Japan seems awfully convenient.



And lastly about the art, it's great art, I think a little too brightly colored for what is supposed to be a zombie character with such a dark outlook, and bunch of depressing traits, it just feels so out of place in all those cheerful colors. The teeth have a bit of a problem as well, as for some reason you made his front teeth perfectly normal, but his back teeth (in the exposed mouth) are sawed (drawn as little triangles). It's also a shame that the art will rarily be representative of how the character actually looks: They can't go around being that exposed, I assume.


Anyway, that is all for now, I hope you find this useful. Good luck and happy RPing!
 
Thanks for all your feedback. I really appreciate your time, and that you took the effort to wade through my mediocre writing. XD

I will try and implement the changes you suggested. Luckily most of them are formatting mistakes or things I need to expand on...
Strangely enough, I feel a little more confident after reading your critique. I thought the response would be a lot worse. XD I don’t have much faith in myself, clearly.

As for the comment about my art... I know the colours are WAY too happy for such a gloomy character... But I don’t think I could use a darker palette if I tried. ;w;
I really dislike using dark colours for my drawings. I kind of built my style around obnoxious colours. And a sick, twisted part of me really likes the idea of an edgy character with bright colours. >>’
Maybe some day that’ll change. :’D
 
Thanks for all your feedback. I really appreciate your time, and that you took the effort to wade through my mediocre writing. XD
You're welcome :)

I will try and implement the changes you suggested. Luckily most of them are formatting mistakes or things I need to expand on...
Strangely enough, I feel a little more confident after reading your critique. I thought the response would be a lot worse. XD I don’t have much faith in myself, clearly.
Yeah. The character itself is quite mundane and you managed to, for the most part, avoid the common mistakes of contradictory backstories or personalities, and as "mundane" implies, you didn't try to anything too extraordinary with the character so your design is pretty solid.

Would the character fit one of my RPs? Probably not, since I ask for way more than this. But I am on the high end of the detail sprectrum and I know plenty of people for whom what you gave here would be more than sufficient.

In other words, it's short and I would like to see it longer, but as far as a base design goes you went pretty excellently. And that's coming from a harsh critic, so feel proud ;)

As for the comment about my art... I know the colours are WAY too happy for such a gloomy character... But I don’t think I could use a darker palette if I tried. ;w;
I really dislike using dark colours for my drawings. I kind of built my style around obnoxious colours. And a sick, twisted part of me really likes the idea of an edgy character with bright colours. >>’
Maybe some day that’ll change. :’D
Well, you have three potential solutions:
1. Try to get used to using darker colors

2. Try to make the character more lighthearted

3. Use thematic exploration to make the character about that contrast. A bit of a parody that explores both the absurdity of pessimism and optimism.
Now I'm not going to say thematic exploration is easy, but it is an existing alternative you can try to explore if you wish.
 

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