Story Just a dream (real life education on disability) and a vent

[Nokumi]

am speaking from my own personal experiences. Nothing more. If this is not the case for you. Ok but it is for me.








Reality is one of the harshest and cruelest things. And waking up to said reality. Is one if the hardest things to do. Especially when life can be so unfair.

In my case I was cursed with so much. To the point people dont believe me. And it hurts because all these things all the problems I have are real.

So real I sometimes wish I just… fade away… stop existing. Or maybe fall into a coma. A coma for a year and then when I wake up. All my problems are fixed.

When I know it will probably never happen

Smiling depression
Schizophrenia
Bipolar
Anxiety
OCD
PTSD
Night terrors
Insomnia
Autism
Short term memory loss
Hearing aids
And now newly added scoliosis

To my list.

Not to mention a mentally abusive. Controlling. Manipulative. Mean and psycho mother who turns everyone against me until they get to know me and then know her.

My dad. My dads friends and everyone who has known me and my mother knows how bad she is. And all the horrible things shes done to me.

Yet she has the audacity to ask me “what did I do to deserve my daughter moving out and ignoring me?”

If you want to know the examples

She makes fun of me being bisexual and calls my drawings evil. Calls me lazy for relaxing and told me that I am her one garente she will never be alone. When shes married. She has my step dad for that.

She told me I will never be able to be without a guardian and that I’ll never make it on my own. I never had friends to my birthday parties and I never been to a friends birthday party because my mom will never allow it.

I never had play dates with friends from school. I never had visitors. Never had anyone my age

When I turned 18 and decided to move in with my dad my mom purposely lost my birth certificate. My social security card. And i didnt have a ID yet. She filled out my W2 without my permission and lost that too.

I told her of back pain I had for so many years and she said I was just being dramatic. Yet here we are I told my doctors and they said I BEEN devoloping scoliosis.

My mom blamed everything on me and lashed out on me for being me. Everything I did was wrong or bad or evil.

I could never win. It made me feel miserable but I hid it behind a mask a smile. Behind jokes and giggles and stupidity. Only to break down later or I would hold it in so long I burst into crying infront of people no matter how hard I tried to keep it back at bay

I got bullied at school. Teased. Mocked and laughed at. But I could never go home and tell my mom. Any time I did she didnt believe me.

My mother called the cops on me for leaving the house after I turned 18. We got into a heated argument and she wasnt leaving me alone like we agreed. She kept fallowing me. Where was I supposed to go? I was just gonna head to the dollar general store Down the street for a little until she calmed down

That’s when she called the cops on me. She expected them to force me back home. She even told them I had disability’s. With all the scarry things on the news I was scared. I was already crying and I was super scared of what the cops were gonna do. But to my SUPRISE. They asked ME what I WANTED to do

I told them to take me to our local crisis center which my mom refused to take me to when I told her I wanted to go. So they did. Then my mom turned around and told my dad I got arrested which i didnt.

Which lead to my dad lashing out on me when I went to visit him. Until I explained what happened.

Argument between me and my mom were our normal conversation time. I just started to avoid her and not talk to her anymore.

After I decided to move in with my dad she also started targeting my dad and hurting him. She also hurt me. I dont think I can forgive her.

(End chapter one)

 

[Nokumi]

Night terrors. Chapter 2




Night terrors is one of those things where it's different foir everyone who has them. It depends on the person. Some people sleep right through them. Others wake up at certain points but briefly and fall right back asleep. Sometimes people might be stuck in that dream. Even when someone's trying to wake them. But they can't wake up. Some wake up after being shook or called a few times. And others wake up instantly.



My piece of advice for if your gonna wake up someone with night terrors... don't. Cuz I can promise you this. They almost always. ALWAYS. Wake up in a panic and fight or flight state. If you are gonna wake someone with it up. Be at a safe distance so you won't get punched in the face.


The dreams are so bad. So detailed. So horrific that if given the chance. Someone with night terrors if they remember it. They can describe the gore the scenes and everything else with great detail. One that most likely could and possibly would make a perfect and horrifying movie that would sell by the tons. Or maybe even just a short YouTube film.


I remembered one so disturbing, the night of the 30th. Not last night but the night before. This. This is your warning now. If you cannot handle gore. Violence. Or even cursing. Or death. Or infant harm. Do not read further. I will tone down detail. To the bare minimum of what I can do.


you have been warned.




I've always wanted to be a mother. A mother of a baby boy as my oldest. And a mother of 3 kids at the very least. I have so much love to give. So naturally when my dream started out holding my very own baby boy. I was happy. In my dream and in my heart. I didn't wanna wake up. Not yet anyways. When I had a boy with chubby cheeks. Green eyes like me. And black hair. 2 teeth already slowly starting to form. Dimples on each side of his smiling face.

He was just over a year old. Learning to walk. So I decided to take him to a public park. We were walking in grass and I clapped my hands as I saw him take his few first steps. I smiled "yaaaay!" I was so happy for my baby boy who was giggling and stumbling around in the green grass.

Until I turn my head a little. Because I saw him looking at something, I was trying to see what he was looking at. I didn't hear anything not a sound. Until it was too late. A car. Some dumb ass decided to park in the grass AND RAN OVER MY CHILD. Heart broken. Angry. And wanting revenge for who ever killed my child in this red S.U.V I ran over to the door and shouted "HAY BITCH YOU RAN OVER MY KID!!!!" They stepped out of the car and I winded up my fist for a face to fist punch.


To my dismay I was held back and prevented from punching this women's teeth out. Then., the last thing I saw in my dream before waking up... I slowly look over to the side of the car... where my child's small feet in strap on Velcro shoes and trousers with white socks was sticking out fro, under the car in a popped puddle of blood. Soaking the now oddly colored grass.




When I woke up I was so shook. That now I'm not sure I want a child. Just out of fear of losing them to an idiot or psychopath. I cried for many reasons that morning. One reason being happy no child actually got hurt. Another reason I didn't get to see that bitch pay for what she did., and another is that the HAPPY part of that dream of being a mother... never happened.


I was mad at my brain for pulling this on me. Playing with my emotions the way it did. But now that I look back on it... the happy part... the smiles... the child giggling... I want to be a mom... I have so much love to give... and I want the memories of a child



(End chapter 2)

 

[Nokumi]

Chapter 3. Bipolar disorder


Whats it like being pipolar?? It's hard... your not really in controle of your own emotions. People say. Oh well it's so easy to push emotions aside and yada yada ya. News flash! It's not.

You can go from being the happiest person in the world. To being So mad You wanna punch a hole into a wall and smash a tv. To laughing and then crying.

For me when someone says count to 10. I can't cuz counting and breathing annoys me to the point I wanna break something. Or they say. Think happy thoughts! I start to but then my mind trails to negativity.


I cry for basically almost everything. I laugh for almost no reason. Something else plays into the odd laughter but that's for next chapter.
Speaking of laughter I laugh at the worst times but I can't help it.

My dad will be talking to me about something important and I'll giggle but it's inappropriate timing. I can't help it tho so I hafto apologize and bite my lip


Arguments are a lot more common for scenarios that normally wouldn't end up in anger. Because when I have an emotion. The emotions come like a train hitting a paper wall. In other words emotions are blown way out of proportion.


That's pretty much all I can describe

(End chapter 3)