Other Jokes?

[Alex B]

What goes in dry and hard and comes out wet and soft?

Spoiler: Answer

Chewing gum.

You play with it every night before bed. You can't be seen fiddling with it at work. You only let special people touch it. What is it?

Spoiler: Answer

Your smartphone.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's is really long. Michael J fox's is really short. Micky mouse's isn't human. Madonna doesn't have one. What is it?

Spoiler: Answer

A last name.

 

[SandraDeelightful]

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

 

[ophelie]

what's brown and sticky?

a stick.

 

[Panthera]

Where does the king keep his armies?

Spoiler: ??????

In his sleeviiieeesss

 

[Sir Fungus]

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?









None you sick fuck.

 

[SandraDeelightful]

Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!

Father: We are your biological parents. Now, pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.

 

[Sir Fungus]

Do memes count as jokes? Cause I wanted to put one here.

 

[DatBoi]

Two chemists walk in to a bar.

One says: “I’ll have a cup of H2O, please!”
The other says: “I’ll have a cup of H2O too!”

And then he died.

 

[Hall Kervean]

RIP no one loves me ):

 

[Pilot-66]

I don't trust stairs.
Why? Well, they're always up to something.

I live for shitty jokes.

 

[Alex B]

I'd tell you a joke about inert gasses, but all the good ones argon. it'd probably get no reaction anyway.

 

[Strawberry Ink]

Had to write this one by memory.

One early morning while out touring, the Pope gets bored. He tells his driver that he wants to go sight seeing. His driver hesitates at first but eventually agrees to it and they hop into a limo. As they drive down a quiet country road the Pope begins to complain that he can't see anything through the darkened windows and wants them rolled down.

The driver explains that he simply cannot do such a thing because it might be dangerous. The Pope stubbornly argues before finally, exasperated, he says, "Stop the car right here. I want to drive." His driver panics and says, "I cannot do that, Your Grace!" However, the Pope continues his demands before saying, "am I not the Pope? Just do as I say and sit back here."

Defeated, the driver parks and sits in the back while the Pope sits behind the wheel. Before long the Pope begins to drive over the speed limit on the empty road, scaring the driver and causing him to beg for mercy. The Pope, tired of this, quickly finds the button to the window dividing them and closes it up.

There is sweet silence for a little while but soon the Pope sees red and blue lights in the rearview mirror. With no other choice, he stops and smiles at the police officer that approaches. The cop sees his hat, pauses, then retreats to his squad car where he calls for the Chief.

"Chief, you won't believe who I stopped." He says.

"Is it the Mayor?"

"No."

"Is it the President?"

"No."

Bewildered, the Chief asks, "Who is so important that you had to call me then?"

"I don't know," replied the cop, "but whoever he is, the Pope is his driver."

 

[cherub.]

why don't couples go to the gym

because some couples don't work out

 

[SandraDeelightful]

If love is grand, what is divorce? At least a hundred grand or more.