OutwardShiningMoon
New Member
What's your best joke? Barring those that are meant to make fun of certain races, genders, and sexualities, cause that shit ain't cool. Make me laugh, I'm bored as shit.
Other Jokes?
- Thread starter OutwardShiningMoon
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OutwardShiningMoon
New Member
While I wait, I'll tell three. They're all blond jokes. I love blonde jokes. I'm blonde, so I can tell them. 
11 people are rescued from a failing plane, all girls. They cling, dangling from a rope attached to the rescuing helicopter. Ten girls are blonde and one is brunette. The helicopter soon starts sinking from the weight of the eleven girls. The pilot yells down, "We can't hold up all of you! Someone's going to have to drop down in the ocean!" They all start bickering about who gets to perform that unpleasant task, when the brunette volunteers, giving am impassioned speech about how she'll die so they can live...the blondes all whoop, cheer, and applaud for her, causing them to fall off. Problem solved.
A flight attendant walks up the aisles of the plane going on an Orlando flight. She notices a blond woman sitting in 1st class, who she doesn't think belongs there. After checking her boarding pass, she asks her to go to coach. The blonde refuses. "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here!" The flight attendant talks to the copilot and he comes out and asks her to go to coach, but she refuses, saying "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here." The flight attendant and the copilot tell the pilot, who says, "Oh, don't worry, my wife is a blonde. I've got this." He goes out and the blonde sees him, and, anticipating being asked to move again, says, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here, and that's FINAL!" Still, the pilot bends down and whispers in her ear. The blonde hastily grabs her stuff, gets up, and moves to coach. "What did you say to her?" The flight attendant and copilot asked, in awe. "Oh, I just told her first class wasn't going to Orlando."
A blind guy walks into a bar. "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?" He asks, and the bar gets silent. The woman next to him turns to him. "Sir, the piano player of the bar is small and wiry, but he can punch, and he's blonde. The bartender is average sized, and he's blonde. The two bouncers are both huge, burly dudes, who happen to be blonde, and I'm even bigger- I'm a professional wrestler- and I'm blonde. Do you REALLY want to tell a blonde joke?" And the blind man says, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
11 people are rescued from a failing plane, all girls. They cling, dangling from a rope attached to the rescuing helicopter. Ten girls are blonde and one is brunette. The helicopter soon starts sinking from the weight of the eleven girls. The pilot yells down, "We can't hold up all of you! Someone's going to have to drop down in the ocean!" They all start bickering about who gets to perform that unpleasant task, when the brunette volunteers, giving am impassioned speech about how she'll die so they can live...the blondes all whoop, cheer, and applaud for her, causing them to fall off. Problem solved.
A flight attendant walks up the aisles of the plane going on an Orlando flight. She notices a blond woman sitting in 1st class, who she doesn't think belongs there. After checking her boarding pass, she asks her to go to coach. The blonde refuses. "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here!" The flight attendant talks to the copilot and he comes out and asks her to go to coach, but she refuses, saying "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here." The flight attendant and the copilot tell the pilot, who says, "Oh, don't worry, my wife is a blonde. I've got this." He goes out and the blonde sees him, and, anticipating being asked to move again, says, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here, and that's FINAL!" Still, the pilot bends down and whispers in her ear. The blonde hastily grabs her stuff, gets up, and moves to coach. "What did you say to her?" The flight attendant and copilot asked, in awe. "Oh, I just told her first class wasn't going to Orlando."
A blind guy walks into a bar. "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?" He asks, and the bar gets silent. The woman next to him turns to him. "Sir, the piano player of the bar is small and wiry, but he can punch, and he's blonde. The bartender is average sized, and he's blonde. The two bouncers are both huge, burly dudes, who happen to be blonde, and I'm even bigger- I'm a professional wrestler- and I'm blonde. Do you REALLY want to tell a blonde joke?" And the blind man says, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
DapperCharmer2.0
The Charming Llama
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asfault under his arms. He says, "a beer please and one for the road."
Lykos LacRight
Lone-Wandering Hero
I tried to combine Phosphorous, Uranium, and Nitrogen together and put it in a practical joke. It's didn't work out.
Hall Kervean
Two Thousand Club
I'm supposed to lip-sync and be the referee in a series of choreographed fights to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger."
What's the punchline, you ask?
Not me. Again, I'm the referee.
ha ha haaaa
actually the joke is more self-deprecating about my workload but ehhh let's pretend it's not
What's the punchline, you ask?
Not me. Again, I'm the referee.
ha ha haaaa
actually the joke is more self-deprecating about my workload but ehhh let's pretend it's not
eien
New Member
My jokes are coincidental puns but I'll give it a shot.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
"Oh sheet."
idk why this cracks me tf up omg
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
"Oh sheet."
idk why this cracks me tf up omg
The Gunrunner
Elder Member
...
Why does NASA drink sprite?
They couldn't get 7-up.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat-belt.
No specific group of people!
Why does NASA drink sprite?
They couldn't get 7-up.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seat-belt.
No specific group of people!
Hangover
Brings his own shoes.
A man walks into a zoo.The only animal in the entire zoo is a single dog. It's a shitzu.
If a coral gets too stressed they will die. Whether they survive or not depends on current events.
Two mongolian warriors are patroling around their encampment. One asks the other: "Have you heard what happened by the Great Wall yesterday?"
The second responds: "Yes. I still cannot get over it."
If a coral gets too stressed they will die. Whether they survive or not depends on current events.
Two mongolian warriors are patroling around their encampment. One asks the other: "Have you heard what happened by the Great Wall yesterday?"
The second responds: "Yes. I still cannot get over it."
Axel The Englishman
The Holy Crusader
Alright, then.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because somebody forgot to cook the bloody thing.
crumbelivable
formerly pokemariofan64
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.
Im not sorry
Park in it, man.
Im not sorry
KindlyPlagueDoctor
Above all else, do no harm
Peasant-"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
Plague doctor-"that's because I had to saw off your arms"
Plague doctor-"that's because I had to saw off your arms"
Abendrot
修羅の花
What's green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table
Saccharine Cyanide
One part sweet, two parts poison
Do you know why Princess Diana and Princess Diana jokes are similar?
...They both never get old.
CadetBlue
The road so far
“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.”
ephemereal
definite weirdo
knock knock.
who's there?
olive.
olive who?
aw, olive you, too.
who's there?
olive.
olive who?
aw, olive you, too.
AShadydude
New Member
My friend told me about a little something called up dog
Angel_Crossroads
New Member
Black Clover
Truff
One Thousand Club
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man!
SandraDeelightful
Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee
It's technically a quote, rather than a joke, but it still makes me laugh:
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Everytime I leave a man, I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Everytime I leave a man, I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
Noble Scion
Lover of Lewd and Space
I ate a clock once.
It was very time-consuming
It was very time-consuming
Cinder_Rabbit
"Seek Strength. The rest will follow."
I was in the supermarket yesterday, and there was some bloke causing chaos down one of the isles throwing milk all over the place and yogurt
I thought to myself how dairy
I thought to myself how dairy
farewell
thou mayest
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare-line.
A piece of string walked into a diner and ordered a glass of orange juice. The waitress said, "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string." So the string walked out, tied himself in a knot, frayed one end, and walked back in. The piece of string ordered a glass of orange juice and the waitress said, "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that walked in here just a minute ago?" and the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."
A receding hare-line.
A piece of string walked into a diner and ordered a glass of orange juice. The waitress said, "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string." So the string walked out, tied himself in a knot, frayed one end, and walked back in. The piece of string ordered a glass of orange juice and the waitress said, "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that walked in here just a minute ago?" and the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."
Ekmion Amundok
Cold God of Truth
An old lady is walking down the street dragging two full garbage bags behind her. One has a hole from which a twenty dollar bill occasionally falls out.
A cop walks by and says," Ma'am, you're dropping dollar bills."
"Darn it!" She says," Thank you officer. I'm gonna have to go back and see if I can find them."
"Now hold on ma'am, where exactly did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh no. You see my back yard is right next to a golf course. And every once in a while some guy will come over and pee on my garden. It's so irksome. Kills the flowers you know. So I thought, why not make the best of it?
I take my shears and I stand waiting quietly, and when a guy sticks it through, I hold it and say 'Okay buddy, gimme twenty dollars or it comes off."
The cop laughs and says," Fair enough. Good luck ma'am. Oh by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A cop walks by and says," Ma'am, you're dropping dollar bills."
"Darn it!" She says," Thank you officer. I'm gonna have to go back and see if I can find them."
"Now hold on ma'am, where exactly did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh no. You see my back yard is right next to a golf course. And every once in a while some guy will come over and pee on my garden. It's so irksome. Kills the flowers you know. So I thought, why not make the best of it?
I take my shears and I stand waiting quietly, and when a guy sticks it through, I hold it and say 'Okay buddy, gimme twenty dollars or it comes off."
The cop laughs and says," Fair enough. Good luck ma'am. Oh by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Blemmigan
Illusion is eternity. Machines will live forever.
A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there’s this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, “Say, uh... what’s up with the guy with the big orange head?” And the bartender says, “Well, it’s an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he’ll tell it to you.”
So the man walks over, introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, “So I bet you want to know the story about the orange head, huh?”
To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.”
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, in my mind I've gone over a million times what happened that day. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one morning, minding my own business, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. Beautiful. So of course I picked it up and dusted it off a little — and all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
“The genie spoke with a voice as loud as thunder, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt,' he told me. 'I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'"
The man at the bar is agape, but he doesn't interrupt.
The guy with the big orange head continues: “So I said, ‘Wow, for real? Well... my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.’
“The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head. My wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills — I mean, I was loaded! It was more than I could ever need!
“So I said, ‘Amazing! Okay, for my next wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.’
“The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And just like that, the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress. She takes my hand and smiles at me, and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible. I've never been happier.
“The genie booms, ‘You have one wish remaining.’”
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.”
So the man walks over, introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, “So I bet you want to know the story about the orange head, huh?”
To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.”
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, in my mind I've gone over a million times what happened that day. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one morning, minding my own business, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. Beautiful. So of course I picked it up and dusted it off a little — and all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
“The genie spoke with a voice as loud as thunder, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt,' he told me. 'I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'"
The man at the bar is agape, but he doesn't interrupt.
The guy with the big orange head continues: “So I said, ‘Wow, for real? Well... my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.’
“The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head. My wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills — I mean, I was loaded! It was more than I could ever need!
“So I said, ‘Amazing! Okay, for my next wish, I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.’
“The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And just like that, the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress. She takes my hand and smiles at me, and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible. I've never been happier.
“The genie booms, ‘You have one wish remaining.’”
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.”
