Opinion Resolved

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

K. Here’s the deal.
My family is religious af, we raised and kinda forced to stay virgins till marriage.

Despite that, i identify as bisexual and definitely had sexual desires towards strangers, lovers, etc. I had kinky dreams and I know im kinky in general.

Meanwhile, my sister whose a bit younger than me (20) is telling me im a hella weird for ever desiring kiss someone (especially strangers) and disturbingly creepy for having had sex dreams.

This bitch is telling me IM WEIRD for having had sexual desires (and mentally ill for being attracted to the same sex). She actually asked me if i was raped and it resulted in me desiring sex (thats ignorant af from her but wtv lmfao)

Is it me or is she asexual af cause for her 1) sex is repulsive (the thought of it) 2) she never felt sexual desires and even says why would anyone desire that 3) she feels nothing watching sexy scenes in television 4) people who talk about sex (like me) are afing weird and abnormal.

Dont get me wrong, i got a good relationship with her and we honestly burst out laughing having this conversation despite how serious she is...

Enlighten me the aromantic and asexuals of this community because I do not understand that little bitch.

 

[Idea]

I'm not aromantic nor asexual, but I do get where she is coming from (not the you being weird part, but the not feeling that kind of sexual attraction). While the idea of teenagers with nothing but sex in their head is kind of mainstream, the reality many don't have that kind of experience of the world, especially those in religious families who might have been educated with a greater aversion to their own sexual inclinations.

What one is sexually attracted to is pretty arbitrary, and while some events in ones lives- namely trauma- can in fact occasionally result in the directed change of someone' sexual preferences (often in the development of sexual desires like fetishes similar or related to their trauma, such as people with traumatic experiences with their parents potentially seeking out sexual partners who resemble said parents), the reality of the situation is it's usually not really bound to anything other than the need to reproduce (I could go more in depth about this but it would spark a flame war).

Point being that it unless one explicity views something as sexualized, and said sexuality as tantalizing, they will not be sexually attracted to it. Your sister may look at sexy scenes in television and feel similar to how you'd look at child porn: You recognize there is a person being sexualized, but you don't feel any attraction, because the emotion it spurs on you is a form of aversion in that case probably disgust or even anger. It is more common than one might think for people raised in uber-religious families to feel more bored and disgusted by supposedly "sexy" elements than they are to feel any form of sexual attraction to them, precisely due to the idea that sex itself is a repulsive thing. As a virgin myself and with limited knowledge of the act my instinctive way of picturing sex isn't exactly the cleanest or most relaxing process imaginable either.

As for the talking about sex part....well, it depends on your friends and community. Like, looking at it objectively, sex is a really weird thing to talk about- it's an intimate act between two people, involving things you wouldn't normally say in public (ya know sexual organs and all associated vocabulary), and going around proclaiming your sexuality or sexual encounters makes you sound obnoxious and pleading for attention. The only reason anyone would talk about sex would be for comedy, out of medical necessity or because it is the kind of conversation otherwise encouraged among one's group of friends. And maybe for insults.

Other than that, it's possible your sister is just taking her own experience and assuming it's the same as everyone's. Some people are just like that.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

I'm not aromantic nor asexual, but I do get where she is coming from (not the you being weird part, but the not feeling that kind of sexual attraction). While the idea of teenagers with nothing but sex in their head is kind of mainstream, the reality many don't have that kind of experience of the world, especially those in religious families who might have been educated with a greater aversion to their own sexual inclinations.

What one is sexually attracted to is pretty arbitrary, and while some events in ones lives- namely trauma- can in fact occasionally result in the directed change of someone' sexual preferences (often in the development of sexual desires like fetishes similar or related to their trauma, such as people with traumatic experiences with their parents potentially seeking out sexual partners who resemble said parents), the reality of the situation is it's usually not really bound to anything other than the need to reproduce (I could go more in depth about this but it would spark a flame war).

Point being that it unless one explicity views something as sexualized, and said sexuality as tantalizing, they will not be sexually attracted to it. Your sister may look at sexy scenes in television and feel similar to how you'd look at child porn: You recognize there is a person being sexualized, but you don't feel any attraction, because the emotion it spurs on you is a form of aversion in that case probably disgust or even anger. It is more common than one might think for people raised in uber-religious families to feel more bored and disgusted by supposedly "sexy" elements than they are to feel any form of sexual attraction to them, precisely due to the idea that sex itself is a repulsive thing. As a virgin myself and with limited knowledge of the act my instinctive way of picturing sex isn't exactly the cleanest or most relaxing process imaginable either.

As for the talking about sex part....well, it depends on your friends and community. Like, looking at it objectively, sex is a really weird thing to talk about- it's an intimate act between two people, involving things you wouldn't normally say in public (ya know sexual organs and all associated vocabulary), and going around proclaiming your sexuality or sexual encounters makes you sound obnoxious and pleading for attention. The only reason anyone would talk about sex would be for comedy, out of medical necessity or because it is the kind of conversation otherwise encouraged among one's group of friends. And maybe for insults.

Other than that, it's possible your sister is just taking her own experience and assuming it's the same as everyone's. Some people are just like that.

Hmm may i ask a personal question? Dont answer if u dont feel comfortable but despite everything you just said, you never had sexy dream or felt excited sexually etc?

It just surprises me cause me the moment i hit puberty, and i used to view sex like her but i grew out of if, i still had wet dreams etc

 

[Idea]

Hmm may i ask a personal question? Dont answer if u dont feel comfortable but despite everything you just said, you never had sexy dream or felt excited sexually etc?

Well I have- however, that only began once I was exposed to sexual content through other means. I ended up learning about sexual content through my natural curiosity on matters virtually unrelated to it and through what I found on certain sites.

Have I ever had a wet dream? Maybe once, but that's about it. I'm not sure what the "normal" stance is, but I can understand the stance of someone who doesn't view sex as all that great- especially given they, like myself, never had it. I just don't tend to view things as a matter of sex, and while I've done plenty of exploring fetishes sexuality itself remains a topic that belongs to the field of politics or to couples on the verge of having it.

PS: Yes, I have felt sexual aroused. A lot. Discovering the notion of a fetish in fact helped reshape my perspective on non-hetero sexualities, whereas before it I too considered them a disease.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

Well I have- however, that only began once I was exposed to sexual content through other means. I ended up learning about sexual content through my natural curiosity on matters virtually unrelated to it and through what I found on certain sites.

Have I ever had a wet dream? Maybe once, but that's about it. I'm not sure what the "normal" stance is, but I can understand the stance of someone who doesn't view sex as all that great- especially given they, like myself, never had it. I just don't tend to view things as a matter of sex, and while I've done plenty of exploring fetishes sexuality itself remains a topic that belongs to the field of politics or to couples on the verge of having it.

PS: Yes, I have felt sexual aroused. A lot. Discovering the notion of a fetish in fact helped reshape my perspective on non-hetero sexualities, whereas before it I too considered them a disease.

Ok so yeah, i understand that. I just found it worrisome (but maybe I shouldnt) that she is 20 and says she NEVER felt sexually aroused. Simply doesnt sound healthy

 

[Idea]

Ok so yeah, i understand that. I just found it worrisome (but maybe I shouldnt) that she is 20 and says she NEVER felt sexually aroused. Simply doesnt sound healthy

By your description of her, she herself doesn't show any symptoms of mental distress from it- in fact given you seem to be the first to point it out to her, she probably faces no social backlash from it either. If anything, the lack of sexual compulsion is likely to be good for her for now, sex is a biologically delicate thing, not to mention a potential hydrance on one's life in general. Some people seem to have in their head that chastity is simply not an option, which I find far more worrysome.

She's probably healthy and just never had an encounter that would stimulate her sexually- through a fetish or sexual attraction to someone. It's even possible that you are right and she IS asexual, but one should never jump the gun on matters like this, especially not as outsiders (less we have even more 8 year olds castrated by hormone treatment-type incidents).

As an older brother though, I'd still look out for her. She may not have had sexual experiences to this day- or have had them and kept them hidden due to her own disgust- but she becomes exposed to those experiences for the first time, it might get to her head. It's for those times I'd say you should really watch out for, as she might not be thinking clearly when it happens.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Aro Ace here and the thing to understand is that sexuality (all sexuality not just ace) exist on a spectrum. Not every person who is attracted to the opposite sex is going to have sex on their mind 24/7 and not everyone who is ace will be repulsed by sexual acts.

I have had the odd sexy dream and greatly enjoy reading erotica from time to time. I will never ever act on those urges in real life. Because for me it’s more of an abstract desire then a physical one.

And the reverse is also true. Some people just have a high sex drive. They think about and desire sex more often than others. I would say most likely you are on the higher end of the sex drive spectrum and she is on the lowest end.

Being sex repulsed might actually have more to do with being raised extremely religious and being taught that sex is dirty rather than being asexual.

As their are sex repulsed ace but they are fine with other people having sex. They simply have no desire to participate in the act themselves. So it’s possible that a combination of the environment she was raised in and a low sex drive contributes to her her being Sex repulsed.

Whereas in your case I’m assuming seeing more of the world and having a higher sex drive contributes to you being more comfortable with it.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

Aro Ace here and the thing to understand is that sexuality (all sexuality not just ace) exist on a spectrum. Not every person who is attracted to the opposite sex is going to have sex on their mind 24/7 and not everyone who is ace will be repulsed by sexual acts.

I have had the odd sexy dream and greatly enjoy reading erotica from time to time. I will never ever act on those urges in real life. Because for me it’s more of an abstract desire then a physical one.

And the reverse is also true. Some people just have a high sex drive. They think about and desire sex more often than others. I would say most likely you are on the higher end of the sex drive spectrum and she is on the lowest end.

Being sex repulsed might actually have more to do with being raised extremely religious and being taught that sex is dirty rather than being asexual.

As their are sex repulsed ace but they are fine with other people having sex. They simply have no desire to participate in the act themselves. So it’s possible that a combination of the environment she was raised in and a low sex drive contributes to her her being Sex repulsed.

Whereas in your case I’m assuming seeing more of the world and having a higher sex drive contributes to you being more comfortable with it.

Yeah i guess so

Hmm ok well as long as its not a health hazard, im not worried anymore for her. I just didnt understand how that was possible since its hormones and like biologically driven and stuff

 

[rae2nerdy]

Yeah no a lot of people seem to think that having a sexual desire is a health concern, where I see it as more of a character trait. Like you wouldn't consider someone being shy to be a health hazard (so long as it didn't interfere with their day to day life) so I wouldn't consider having a low / no sex drive to be a concern either.

A lot of sexual people seem to view a lack of desire as some kind of void in the life of asexuals. Like we are somehow not living a full life because we don't (or rarely) sleep with other people. But it's not like we can't form other bonds with people. The way I look at it is this - Is sex the primary means by which you connect with other people? Or do you form bonds based on shared interests, familial connections, similar upbringings, etc.

Sex isn't really an end all be all of making people happy. It's a fun activity that some people partake in and some people don't. It doesn't make the people not partaking sick or unhealthy, any more than you having sexy thoughts about people of the same gender makes you sick or unhealthy.

As to your sister I would say that 90% of her issue is probably down to her upbringing. Just the things you've said tells me she has little to no sexual education and has internalized a VERY strict abstinence only style approach to sex. I wouldn't say that necessarily automatically makes her incapable of having sexual desire, it just means that she's repressing whatever she does feel because of her views on sex.

But she's pretty young and the more she learns about the world around her and the more information she gets on sexuality and sex itself I would say a lot of this might very well resolve itself. You can absolutely point her to asexual forums online if you think she'd be down to look stuff up. If nothing else it might give her a healthier look at sex even if she remains uninterested in having it for herself.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

Yeah no a lot of people seem to think that having a sexual desire is a health concern, where I see it as more of a character trait. Like you wouldn't consider someone being shy to be a health hazard (so long as it didn't interfere with their day to day life) so I wouldn't consider having a low / no sex drive to be a concern either.

A lot of sexual people seem to view a lack of desire as some kind of void in the life of asexuals. Like we are somehow not living a full life because we don't (or rarely) sleep with other people. But it's not like we can't form other bonds with people. The way I look at it is this - Is sex the primary means by which you connect with other people? Or do you form bonds based on shared interests, familial connections, similar upbringings, etc.

Sex isn't really an end all be all of making people happy. It's a fun activity that some people partake in and some people don't. It doesn't make the people not partaking sick or unhealthy, any more than you having sexy thoughts about people of the same gender makes you sick or unhealthy.

As to your sister I would say that 90% of her issue is probably down to her upbringing. Just the things you've said tells me she has little to no sexual education and has internalized a VERY strict abstinence only style approach to sex. I wouldn't say that necessarily automatically makes her incapable of having sexual desire, it just means that she's repressing whatever she does feel because of her views on sex.

But she's pretty young and the more she learns about the world around her and the more information she gets on sexuality and sex itself I would say a lot of this might very well resolve itself. You can absolutely point her to asexual forums online if you think she'd be down to look stuff up. If nothing else it might give her a healthier look at sex even if she remains uninterested in having it for herself.

i actually approached her and was like asking if she knew about asexuals, etc. Then casually was like oh t6ake that online quiz and she refused cause its weird to her.
So maybe yeah, it probably is the upbringing (crazy how we are so close but so different hahaha)

thanks for your sincere answer!!!

 

[rae2nerdy]

i actually approached her and was like asking if she knew about asexuals, etc. Then casually was like oh t6ake that online quiz and she refused cause its weird to her.
So maybe yeah, it probably is the upbringing (crazy how we are so close but so different hahaha)

thanks for your sincere answer!!!

No problem. I hear ya, I sometimes think my siblings and I have to be adopted because we're polar opposites. But nah it's just different personalities. Honestly if your sister is happy I would let her keep on as she is.

 

[calypso]

As someone asexual, I can agree with @/middleagedgeek! It's definitely a spectrum, and everyone falls differently on it. I'm a huge advocate for sexual rights as long as everything is legal, and for the rights of others to have any sort of sex they want as long as there is consent. But for me personally, I just don't have a sexual drive nor do I currently desire to have any sexual relationships ! I think it's very important for people to understand that both sides of the spectrum are completely okay to explore as long as you're consenting and respecting others.

Don't want to have sex, and wait for marriage? Awesome! You do that, and don't let anyone pressure you into having sex you don't want.

You wanna have sex with others before your marriage, in committed relationships or just flings? Great! Just make sure to practice safe-sex and get tested for STDs! (Even if you don't have any, it's sooo important to do so!)

However, I'm not sure your sister has a totally healthy idea about sex in general. I don't think she should label you 'weird' for having sexual thoughts, as it's as natural as not having sexual desires. I think your sister is perfectly healthy in the sense she hasn't experienced any desires, but I also feel she shouldn't be too quick to judge others on having the desire to be sexual or explore their own sexuality as long as it's safe. I'm just concerned about her overall idea of sex, and how she may feel about it in general in the future. It's important to understand sex is healthy and okay to have, and that's coming from someone who doesn't desire anything like it! Having such a strict internal rule against sex could later cause internal conflict if she ever desires a sexual relationship. (But she may not, because she could possibly be asexual.)

But also know you definitely aren't weird for having sexual thoughts, nor do you have a disease for being bisexual.

 

[sathanas]

Hi hi, I'm also bi and was raised in a very religious, conservative household.

It's extremely common for people from families like ours to have issues/complexes surrounding sex, and not even realize it. You seem like you don't, so consider yourself lucky. I'm not sure how seriously you take your religion if you are religious, so that might have something to do with it, but either way it seems like she does take it pretty seriously.

Her thinking that you're weird isn't from this context, but it doesn't mean she's right, and her asking if you were raped to be bi/have sexual desires isn't okay. She shouldn't be saying things like that to her brother, or anyone else for that matter- it's very rude and inappropriate. And imagine if she said that to someone who was raped.

Her thinking it's weird/bad to even want to kiss someone doesn't sound healthy either. There's a difference between not having that desire and thinking that a natural human desire is wrong, or immoral. And it's not like you can control your dreams- thinking you're creepy and disturbing for yours is unfair as well.

It doesn't sound to me like she just lacks the desire. The descriptions she's using imply that she thinks desiring other people is on some level wrong. It's possible she lacks desire and is ace/aro, or that she's in denial/repressing it subconsciously, but either way it's impossible to tell which one it is without being inside her head.

I used to identify as asexual for awhile, but it ended up being a combination of personal issues and my religious upbringing causing problems with how I viewed sex.

Too many people I grew up around ended up marrying very young just because they felt shame and like they were being sinful by having natural human desires, and didn't want to act on them and bring derision from their entire community. They feel like they literally have no choice other than to get married. A good amount of them end up either divorcing or being stuck in unhappy/unhealthy relationships because they rushed into it. I don't want to get too into it here but you can find a lot of stories about people finally getting over their hang-ups regarding sex, rushing into marriage, etc if you search out ex-christian forums and the like.

Unless she's ace after all, at some point in her life she's probably going to have romantic and sexual thoughts, desires, and dreams whether she wants to or not. And unless some part of her worldview changes by then, there's a good chance she's going to be ashamed about it, and think she's weird, disgusting or sinful when she's just experiencing human nature.

I'm not saying all religion is bad or you shouldn't wait until marriage if you want to, but next time she says something about acts even as harmless as kissing being weird, please try gently challenging her thoughts!

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

Hi hi, I'm also bi and was raised in a very religious, conservative household.

It's extremely common for people from families like ours to have issues/complexes surrounding sex, and not even realize it. You seem like you don't, so consider yourself lucky. I'm not sure how seriously you take your religion if you are religious, so that might have something to do with it, but either way it seems like she does take it pretty seriously.

Her thinking that you're weird isn't from this context, but it doesn't mean she's right, and her asking if you were raped to be bi/have sexual desires isn't okay. She shouldn't be saying things like that to her brother, or anyone else for that matter- it's very rude and inappropriate. And imagine if she said that to someone who was raped.

Her thinking it's weird/bad to even want to kiss someone doesn't sound healthy either. There's a difference between not having that desire and thinking that a natural human desire is wrong, or immoral. And it's not like you can control your dreams- thinking you're creepy and disturbing for yours is unfair as well.

It doesn't sound to me like she just lacks the desire. The descriptions she's using imply that she thinks desiring other people is on some level wrong. It's possible she lacks desire and is ace/aro, or that she's in denial/repressing it subconsciously, but either way it's impossible to tell which one it is without being inside her head.

I used to identify as asexual for awhile, but it ended up being a combination of personal issues and my religious upbringing causing problems with how I viewed sex.

Too many people I grew up around ended up marrying very young just because they felt shame and like they were being sinful by having natural human desires, and didn't want to act on them and bring derision from their entire community. They feel like they literally have no choice other than to get married. A good amount of them end up either divorcing or being stuck in unhappy/unhealthy relationships because they rushed into it. I don't want to get too into it here but you can find a lot of stories about people finally getting over their hang-ups regarding sex, rushing into marriage, etc if you search out ex-christian forums and the like.

Unless she's ace after all, at some point in her life she's probably going to have romantic and sexual thoughts, desires, and dreams whether she wants to or not. And unless some part of her worldview changes by then, there's a good chance she's going to be ashamed about it, and think she's weird, disgusting or sinful when she's just experiencing human nature.

I'm not saying all religion is bad or you shouldn't wait until marriage if you want to, but next time she says something about acts even as harmless as kissing being weird, please try gently challenging her thoughts!

hahah im not her brother but her sister.
We are muslim, shes very conservative despite being ''modern'' in appearance.
Im very liberal, still religious tho faith wise i just dont believe in that extra micromanagement that many abrahamic religion get into (with all due respect).

But hey! Damn, it actually feels good hearing your own experience with that. I feel super lonely cause my mom is exactly like her in that view and I am always alienated in sex talks, etc as someone who has no shame (haha rip).

Its nice to hear from ur experience, is all im saying. Thanks!

 

[sathanas]

My bad lol!

I don't know a lot about the faith but I can imagine the culture around sex being very similar and ending up causing the same problems. I ended up leaving religion altogether, but it was more of an issue of not being able to believe anymore at all than disagreeing with it morally, although that had some factor in it too.

When it comes to family discussions I just stay out of them completely- hell I'm not even out to them and probably never will be unless it happens by accident. I'm not around here much but if you ever want someone to talk about it more with I'm open to it. That and you can probably find similar forums for muslims who are somewhat critical of the religion/left it. I found reading the ex/critical christian ones to be really useful to me.

 

[The Gunrunner]

Some have their hot dogs with ketchup, some with mustard, some plain, some with mayo, grilled, boiled, pan-fried.
Enjoy and serve sausage as you please, sir, don’t let someone tell you you’re doing it wrong!