Story Inspired Writings

apolla

❛ it's only love, nobody dies ❜
About This Writing Might make this prettier later. Basically, this is something I was inspired to write today. It's a story I want to write, though this is just a chapter of it. Not the first chapter, either, but possibly somewhere in the middle/towards the end. Not the ending, though. So if you wanna read it, wonderful! I'd love some feedback.


Arianna shrieked as she ran through what felt like a spider web, sticky and yet silky at the same time on her skin. She waved her arms rapidly, brushing herself off as she tried to rid herself of the feeling. Praying that there wasn’t a spider taking up residence on her body somewhere, she continued to flee up the stairs, to the attic.

Her breathing was labored and she could feel a twinge of pain beginning to blossom in her side. But it didn’t matter, she wouldn’t—couldn’t—stop now. Too much was at stake.

She could feel hot tears spring to her eyes at the thought of her father, both of her brothers, and the love of her life waiting for her. She hadn’t seen them since… since… how long had it been? Panicked, she racked her brain, trying to remember their faces. Slowly they came to her: her father’s wrinkled face, Michael’s stern jawline, Luke’s blue eyes, and finally, Casey’s dimples that matched her own.

Nearly crying out in relief, Ari’s hand gripped the handrail, and she used that grip to pull herself up the stairs. Never had she considered herself truly out of shape until this moment. Cursing herself for her lack of exercise, she pulled herself up the last flight of steps, nearly crashing into a wooden door at the top of the stairs.
This was it.

“Time to get my family back.” She breathed, reaching for the handle. Gripping it tightly, she drew in a deep, shaky breath and turned it. To her surprise, it opened easily, and the door swung open to reveal a brightly lit room. Wincing at the sudden exposure to light, she took a timid step into the room.

It took a moment for her eyes to adjust, but when they did, she gasped. The first thing she noticed was Luke, chained to the opposite wall. He appeared to be knocked out, but intact. She crossed the room in a matter of seconds, throwing herself down in front of her brother. “Luke!” She reached out to grasp his shoulders, giving him a little shake. “Come on, wake up!”

“He won’t wake.” A voice from behind her caused her to go still. Swallowing heavily, fighting back tears of frustration, she looked at her brother.

“Please wake up.” She whispered to him, cradling his face between her hands.

“He’s sleeping, dear Arianna.” He spoke again, and by now, Arianna knew he wouldn’t be ignored. Sniffing slightly, she settled back on her heels, releasing Luke’s face.

Pushing herself to her feet, she slowly turned, noticing a wooden table for the first time. On the center of the table was a gun, some sort of revolver. Six chambers for six bullets, though she’d never shot one before.

Lifting her gaze to meet his, she narrowed her eyes. “Where are the others?”

“Around.” He shrugged one shoulder unceremoniously, though he couldn’t hide the smirk playing at his lips. “You’ll get them back, I’ve told you this. But you have to play my game.”

“I’m sick of your game.” Ari snapped, her hands balling into fists. “Give them back to me.”

“You have to play.” He insisted, taking a few steps towards the table. Reaching out, he gripped both sides of it, not bothering to try and hide the smirk anymore.

“I’m not killing any of them!” Arianna shook her head, horrified.

He grinned this time, reaching out to stroke the barrel of the gun, his shockingly green eyes never leaving hers. “It’s not that type of game, Arianna.” Trailing his finger along the width of the gun, pursing his lips slightly. “Ever heard of Russian Roulette?”

Arianna thought the name sounded familiar, but she wasn’t sure of the rules. She must have looked confused, for he decided to demonstrate. Before she could react, he picked up the gun and cocked back the hammer in one swift motion. Placing the gun to the side of his head without blinking an eye, he pulled the trigger.

“No!” Ari shouted, leaping forward. It took her about a second to realize that he was still standing there, alive. And he was laughing.

“Concerned for my well-being, Arianna?” He teased, removing the gun and placing it gently back on the table. He nodded in her direction. “Your turn.”

As the realization of what he wanted her to do dawned on her, her eyes grew wide. “No.”

“No?” He questioned, tilting his head to the side. “You know what that means, then, Arianna.”

“I’m not doing that, either.” She told him firmly, casting a backwards glance at Luke. He was still out of it, and it made her heart ache.

“You know you can save them two ways.” He reminded her casually, looking past her at her brother.

“I remember.” She said tightly, through gritted teeth.

“So then you’ll join me willingly?”

“No!” She shook her head again, biting her lip. Knowing that her only option would be to play, she heaved a sigh and took a small step forwards, reaching for the gun.

“Arianna, stop!” Upon hearing her brother’s voice from behind her, she stopped and whirled around. To her utter astonishment, Luke was wide awake, with no sign that he’d ever been asleep.

“Luke!” Arianna, the gun forgotten, threw herself down on the floor again. Luke was able to reach for her despite the chains, and the two of them embraced like they hadn’t seen each other in years. “Oh my god, you’re alive.” She whispered, and she felt him chuckle underneath her.

He grew serious as she pulled away, his eyes darkening towards the figure behind her. “You can’t do what he wants you to do.”

“I have to.” Arianna whispered. As the baby of the family, she was always the most protected one. The most naïve because of it. Now here was Luke, her protector, and he couldn’t do a thing to stop her. “I have to save you and Michael. And daddy… and Casey.”

“We’ll figure out another way.” He insisted, his gaze softening as he looked back at his baby sister. “Please.”

“You should really let your sister make her own decisions.” He spoke from behind Ari, still over by the table. All of a sudden the chains around Luke’s wrists and ankles disappeared into the wall, pulling her bother flush against itself with a thud.

“Don’t hurt him!” Arianna reached for him, wanting to bring him back to her.

“Play the game, Arianna. Save your loved ones.” He whispered, his voice seductive.

For a moment, Arianna just stared at Luke. He was staring back at her, a silent plea in his eyes. Arianna reached out to touch his face once more, then stood and turned back to him. “Fine.” She told him, hatred coating her words.

“Arianna-“ Luke’s voice was cut off as he tried to warn her. Unable to meet his gaze, she stared at him instead. She marched to the table and picked up the gun, feelings its weight in her hands. She was already second guessing herself, and she knew Luke was trying to find his voice, but she knew this was something she had to do.

With her brother watching from behind her, she pulled back on the hammer, jumping slightly when it clicked. She swallowed, looking back up at him. He nodded in encouragement, his face a poker mask.

Closing her eyes, she lifted the gun to her head, not touching even her hair with the barrel. She must have tried about five times to pull the trigger, her heart hammering in her chest. Finally, on the sixth or so try, her finger pulled the trigger down. She cried out, cringing at the click that sounded from the gun.

She was alive. Taking a deep breath, she practically threw the gun on the table, lifting her horrified eyes back up to him. He was grinning again.

“My turn, I guess.” He picked up the gun, his movements calculatingly slow. Without breaking eye contact, he pressed the gun to his head and cocked the hammer, then pulled the trigger. Nothing.

Practically itching to crawl out of her own skin, she took the gun as he held it out to her. She knew there were only three chances left, and luck had never been on her side before.
She lifted the gun again, her hand shaking. The second time around felt much worse. The anticipation and all. She chomped down on her lip while simultaneously pulling the trigger.

And again, she was alive.

He frowned from across the table, picking the gun up after Ari dropped it back on the table. “So now it’s a fifty-fifty shot.” He murmured, mostly to himself. He waited a beat before picking it up, slowly pointing it at himself again. “Last chance, Ari. Save your family by coming with me, or take the chance that you’ll die anyway.”

Arianna narrowed her eyes. She didn’t want to die, but she couldn’t just go with him. She needed to be home with her family. And if he pulled the trigger this time and survived… well, she would just have to hope that his business with her family would be done, and that they could go on without her.

“Screw you.” Arianna told him, though her voice was slightly unsteady.

He shrugged. “Have it your way.” He cocked the hammer back for the third time, and pulled the trigger.

Arianna screamed.
 
This is pretty good! Its a little difficult to give feedback on it considering its incomplete, but I'll try with what you've got. One thing to watch out for is passive voice, it's something that's easy to fix and imo usually does a lot for the flow. To use an example from your composition, it's the difference between "she continued to flee" and "she fled". The verb of the former is "continued" while in the latter it's "fled", putting more emphasis on the action itself as opposed to how the action is being carried out, if that makes sense? To correct passive voice, just read through it and ask yourself "what action is happening here" and see if the verb of the sentance properly reflects that.
I also noticed a few phrases that seemed a little strange. There are several ways people do this and I'd have to read your composition over again and mark as I go to be more accurate, but look over it for misplaced modifiers, commas, sentances that can be broken up or are otherwise too wordy and other such stuff. Also watch out for stacking phrases on top of phrases or putting phrases within eachother, it can bog down the sentance and become confusing. If you read it aloud for flow, a lot of this stuff will become self-evident.
Back to the earlier point on action, a few other things that might help with that in your story are to cut out a few of the discriptors. Sometimes actions speak for themselves and don't need to be described, and sometimes the pacing of a story can describe things better than any adjective. Putting more emphasis on the verbs rather than the discriptors might do you a lot. It coould also help with the characterization. Your main girl, at times, seemed to come across as more cowardly than I think you might have intended her to.
Also on the mater of tone: I kind of got he impression that the entire thing was supposed to be kind of slow and tense, but I think speeding it up a little during the roulette scene in specific might be more effective.
Finally pacing, this one is kind of difficult and is kind of something that's difficult to fix unless you have an ear for it, but a good tip that generally workos out well is cutting out at least 10% of the story. Once you figure out what can be removed and take it out, the story is always way tighter and reads a lot smoother.
All in all good story though! I hope to see more sometime. Sorry if my feedback was a bit blunt, much, or uncalled for.
 
This is pretty good! Its a little difficult to give feedback on it considering its incomplete, but I'll try with what you've got. One thing to watch out for is passive voice, it's something that's easy to fix and imo usually does a lot for the flow. To use an example from your composition, it's the difference between "she continued to flee" and "she fled". The verb of the former is "continued" while in the latter it's "fled", putting more emphasis on the action itself as opposed to how the action is being carried out, if that makes sense? To correct passive voice, just read through it and ask yourself "what action is happening here" and see if the verb of the sentance properly reflects that.
I also noticed a few phrases that seemed a little strange. There are several ways people do this and I'd have to read your composition over again and mark as I go to be more accurate, but look over it for misplaced modifiers, commas, sentances that can be broken up or are otherwise too wordy and other such stuff. Also watch out for stacking phrases on top of phrases or putting phrases within eachother, it can bog down the sentance and become confusing. If you read it aloud for flow, a lot of this stuff will become self-evident.
Back to the earlier point on action, a few other things that might help with that in your story are to cut out a few of the discriptors. Sometimes actions speak for themselves and don't need to be described, and sometimes the pacing of a story can describe things better than any adjective. Putting more emphasis on the verbs rather than the discriptors might do you a lot. It coould also help with the characterization. Your main girl, at times, seemed to come across as more cowardly than I think you might have intended her to.
Also on the mater of tone: I kind of got he impression that the entire thing was supposed to be kind of slow and tense, but I think speeding it up a little during the roulette scene in specific might be more effective.
Finally pacing, this one is kind of difficult and is kind of something that's difficult to fix unless you have an ear for it, but a good tip that generally workos out well is cutting out at least 10% of the story. Once you figure out what can be removed and take it out, the story is always way tighter and reads a lot smoother.
All in all good story though! I hope to see more sometime. Sorry if my feedback was a bit blunt, much, or uncalled for.

No need to apologize! In my writing, I know I have trouble with passive voice, and the word 'was'. It irks me when I use it XD So I try to come up with other ways when I can. Thank you so much for your feedback! < 3
 

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