Idea Improvement help!

[DarknessSama17]

"Kariah-Belle... My love don't do this." The woman pleaded. "You'll make an enemy of the village! Of me!"

Kariah-Belle stared at the woman who gave birth to her through one eye. The blackness surrounding the gold diamond that seemed to glow in the darkness. Flames licked at the midnight sky as they ate away at the anbu storage room. Kariah-Belle felt slightly satisfied at what she had done only moments ago.

"Mother." Kariah-Belle spoke trying hard not to let her voice crack. "They sent Rygilya to his death. I won't just stand by and let the Riakage get away with that! I refuse to be a pawn in this twisted game any longer!"

Kariah-Belle outstretched her hand. "Come with me mom. We can run away. We could escape." She said softly.

Kariah-Belle's mother gave her a pained look as tears flowed. She said nothing.

Kariah-Belle retracted her hand. Tears now flooded from her eyes as well. "Then you are my enemy too." She said in an eerily calm voice. "If you don't kill me now, I'll return to destroy this village and you along with it."

Kariah-Belle could see the hurt on her mother's face as she looked away. Kariah-Belle stared at her. Pain racking her heart. She couldn't turn back though. She had steeled herself.

For her brother.

It was then that Kariah-Belle heard yelling. It wouldn't be long before the lapdogs of the riakage showed up.

"So be it." She turned to leave. "Farewell mother."

With that Kariah-Belle disappeared into the darkness. She wiped her tears as she gripped her mother's forbidden scroll.

(This was just a short intro for a Naruto rp as to why my character ran away. I could really use help improving it. Should I add more? I was told it seemed too forced and didn't paint the scene. Anyone willing to help? I'm currently working on a novel and any feed could prove beneficial in the long run. Thanks a ton!)

 

[Status: Undead]

I assume you're asking for advice? Well, firstly, I'm definitely not a pro, so, someone will probably come along with better advice first. The first thing I noticed if your formatting style.

As for me, I'm used to RPing, and writing, in paragraph form. You write several lines, but each line is just a couple of sentences, sometimes even one. But, this is still better than a wall of text, much, much better. Never wall of text, it makes it difficult to read. Although a thousand single lines can make it seem like there's a lot to read, and can seem daunting, depending on how long it is. Those extra enter spaces makes it seem longer than it is.

You have several mistakes, like a comma after "my love", in the first sentence.

The second sentence of the second paragraph could use rewording.

I make mistakes myself, pretty often too. I almost always reread my post before posting. It can make me seem like a slow poster, on top of my rambling tendencies, but it makes sure it goes out right, mostly. My only real piece of advice is just how I do things myself, I hope

So, while I read for my double check, before posting, I always sound out the sentences in my head. This is how I determine where to put commas or other punctuation. This is also when I double check spelling, maybe change words to sound better, or deciding where to combine/separate paragraphs.

Also, if you don't know, not that I know any better, but try to separate paragraphs based on it's topic. For example, a battle. A battle can go on for a long time in an RP, and by long time, I mean real time. A paragraph might describe an exchange of attacks, with fourteen sentences describing it. Fourteen is a bit excessive, so try to find ways to separate it, such as describing an attack with a few sentences, then moving on to the next paragraph. Sometimes, you may need to broaden your idea of the topic for the paragraph, if it doesn't have enough sentences, like many of yours.



Honestly, I feel like I give lousy advice, but I gave a stab at it anyways! If you have more question, or need something clarified, just let me know and I'll do my best! If this advice met your satisfaction, you can reward me with a picture of a frog, preferably not one near the top of Google Images, as I've probably seen all of those ;P

 

[Status: Undead]

Oh, if it helps, I can rewrite your story in my formatting style, without changing anything, outside of mistakes, if it'll help you visualize what I mean. Though, I'm not saying I'm any better of a writer than you are, so I don't want you to take that the wrong way. Also, feel free to say no, or just send another frog picture, that's acceptable too.

 

[DarknessSama17]

Oh, if it helps, I can rewrite your story in my formatting style, without changing anything, outside of mistakes, if it'll help you visualize what I mean. Though, I'm not saying I'm any better of a writer than you are, so I don't want you to take that the wrong way. Also, feel free to say no, or just send another frog picture, that's acceptable too.

Thank you! I didn't know I had many mistakes! I could really use an edit but my story is quite long already. XD

 

[Status: Undead]

So you want to see what what it would look like if I formatted it? I don't want to go ahead and seem pompous or anything

Trust me, you most definitely are not the only one who makes a lot of mistakes. You don't see that in mine because I reread, sometimes re-reread my posts to make sure they are as mistake free as I want. Yes, sometimes I write bad on purpose Never in an RP though D:

But yeah, everyone makes mistakes, just gotta proof read your posts.

 

[DarknessSama17]

So you want to see what what it would look like if I formatted it? I don't want to go ahead and seem pompous or anything

Trust me, you most definitely are not the only one who makes a lot of mistakes. You don't see that in mine because I reread, sometimes re-reread my posts to make sure they are as mistake free as I want. Yes, sometimes I write bad on purpose Never in an RP though D:

But yeah, everyone makes mistakes, just gotta proof read your posts.

I'll start doing that from now on

 

[Status: Undead]

Okie dokes then, I'll leave you to it. I definitely do NOT claim to be an expert, and while I'd like to describe myself as an advanced RPer and great writer, I don't, but, you can ask me questions about anything. Well, except about VY Canis Majoris, that's a sore subject since UY Scuti beat it out. Though, I don't mind froggy questions