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Advice/Help I need some writing advice/critique from yall

CloudCat

In the sky
I want to improve my writing overall, but mostly for RPs. I kinda have way more motivation to write for a RP than I do to write on my own, (and I like reading replies). I’ve been losing some confidence in my writing lately, so I wanted some honest opinions. I have a fairly recent writing sample, (that I don’t completely detest) so here y’all go.

An eternal night never irked the creatures of Hell, as the only sliver of sunlight in sight fell on the opposite end of the afterlife. A place that felt dreamy and mystified any mortal with the power to visit it—lush fields and flower patches could be found on airborne chunks of the earth, that brought joy and a sense of safety and innocence. Universally, it was called paradise.
Hell was littered with nightmarish creatures that haunted the subconscious mind until they were driven mad. It was the home of all things evil, lacking any remorse, morals or order.
With every opposite, there was a balance. Heaven and Hell kept the world in order, with equal amounts of good and bad. This balance needed to be kept maintained—or tragedy might befall on the world. This balance was maintained for eternity—until it wasn’t.

Between these two polar opposite worlds, there was an ever eternal burning hatred—a burning hatred that eventually tore the two races further apart. Angels and demons had no hope of ever living in harmony, nor did they have any desire to do so. Up until now, they’d decided to stay on their sides, never to bother one another, never to associate with one another, never to speak to one another.
A declare of war was what began this tragedy—a declare of war that brought the two to mercilessly destroy one another. At least, Hell’s side was centered on destroying the poor feathery fiends.

Deep within the caverns of Hell, two horned stallions raced across the rocky landscape, shadowed beneath the dark sky. Blue lava lakes lit up the area, emitting extreme levels of heat that no human could resist. The skeletal horses carried behind them a regal stagecoach, that carried two demons to their desired destination—Hell’s mansion.
One of the demons, a young man with golden wings on his back, offered the slightly younger demon an apple. The other, who was currently avoiding eye contact, failed to notice. Dark, curly hair and a large set of horns that curved inwards, he was undoubtedly the prince—Gladius, who’d only earned his title from an unexpected discovery in his family tree.

“You’re a fool, you know,” the winged demon began, biting into the apple.
Gladius didn’t respond, but instead merely bowed his head in shame.
“You’ll get yourself killed one day,” he continued, sneering at the other demon in disbelief, “What would your mother think?”
Gladius slowly lifted his head to face the other. “She would be proud.”
“Then she’s just as insane as you. My father wasn’t wrong for wanting you dead.” The silence lingered for a moment, but it felt much longer. “...Now, what would your *father* think?”
Gladius’s eyes widened in alarm, being reminded what was to come. Before he could respond, however, he was interrupted once again, “I’m not the man I used to be. You, however, haven’t changed a bit since we met. Just as impulsive. Just as incompetent. You’re doing nothing but disappointing yourself, and it’s a shame you’re too dumb to see it.”

When the stagecoach began to slow and the horse’s galloping came to a halt, the mansion was in clear view. “And it’s time to give the king the bad news. Are you ready?” Gladius clearly wasn’t, but was dragged with the winged man regardless. He was oddly silent for his personality, which often indicated some level of distress for the demon. Who could blame him? After all, he was on opposite sides of the conflict than everyone around him. Speaking his mind would bring serious consequences—how grand those consequences were was debatable, but he was immediately outcast nevertheless.

What demon fights for peace?
 

CloudCat

In the sky
Any context?
It was a RP starter that was meant for a group of people that are already familiar with my characters (so it’s not the best example of character introduction on that part). As far as the concept goes, Heaven and Hell are at war, but one demon introduces the idea of peace—this kind of mindset is unheard of and forbid in Hell. Most either fight for one side or the other, and are not neutral. The character speaks out on this, and is taken to see the King for his opinion on that matter.
I will admit there’s a lot of context missing here but I want to focus on the writing (description and whatnot) than the idea itself.
 

Idea

The Pun Tyrant The Gif Hydra
Helper
It was a RP starter that was meant for a group of people that are already familiar with my characters (so it’s not the best example of character introduction on that part). As far as the concept goes, Heaven and Hell are at war, but one demon introduces the idea of peace—this kind of mindset is unheard of and forbid in Hell. Most either fight for one side or the other, and are not neutral. The character speaks out on this, and is taken to see the King for his opinion on that matter.
I will admit there’s a lot of context missing here but I want to focus on the writing (description and whatnot) than the idea itself.
I see, I see. Well, good luck then :)
 

Spookkat

Boo!
Some examples of your RP posts would be better, but I will try my best to critique this.

An eternal night never irked the creatures of Hell, as the only sliver of sunlight in sight fell on the opposite end of the afterlife. A place that felt dreamy and mystified any mortal with the power to visit it—lush fields and flower patches could be found on airborne chunks of the earth, that brought joy and a sense of safety and innocence. Universally, it was called paradise.
This first paragraph is a bit confusing because it's stuffed with too much detail. I don't think you should start describing heaven when the story takes place in hell. Or at least save any description for if the characters wind up there.

Hell was littered with nightmarish creatures that haunted the subconscious mind until they were driven mad. It was the home of all things evil, lacking any remorse, morals or order.
With every opposite, there was a balance. Heaven and Hell kept the world in order, with equal amounts of good and bad. This balance needed to be kept maintained—or tragedy might befall on the world. This balance was maintained for eternity—until it wasn’t.

Between these two polar opposite worlds, there was an ever eternal burning hatred—a burning hatred that eventually tore the two races further apart. Angels and demons had no hope of ever living in harmony, nor did they have any desire to do so. Up until now, they’d decided to stay on their sides, never to bother one another, never to associate with one another, never to speak to one another.
A declare of war was what began this tragedy—a declare of war that brought the two to mercilessly destroy one another. At least, Hell’s side was centered on destroying the poor feathery fiends.
Minor mistake, but "a declare of war" should be "a declaration of war".
Deep within the caverns of Hell, two horned stallions raced across the rocky landscape, shadowed beneath the dark sky. Blue lava lakes lit up the area, emitting extreme levels of heat that no human could resist. The skeletal horses carried behind them a regal stagecoach, that carried two demons to their desired destination—Hell’s mansion.

One of the demons, a young man with golden wings on his back, offered the slightly younger demon an apple. The other, who was currently avoiding eye contact, failed to notice. Dark, curly hair and a large set of horns that curved inwards, he was undoubtedly the prince—Gladius, who’d only earned his title from an unexpected discovery in his family tree.
Once again, too much detail at once. I noticed you use a lot of adjectives in places they're not needed. Ex: "regal stagecoach" and "dark sky". Adjectives aren't inherently bad, but using a lot of them is because it lessens their impact. Try only describing the things that are important to the story.

“You’re a fool, you know,” the winged demon began, biting into the apple.
Gladius didn’t respond, but instead merely bowed his head in shame.
“You’ll get yourself killed one day,” he continued, sneering at the other demon in disbelief, “What would your mother think?”

Gladius slowly lifted his head to face the other. “She would be proud.”
“Then she’s just as insane as you. My father wasn’t wrong for wanting you dead.” The silence lingered for a moment, but it felt much longer. “...Now, what would your *father* think?”
Gladius’s eyes widened in alarm, being reminded what was to come. Before he could respond, however, he was interrupted once again, “I’m not the man I used to be. You, however, haven’t changed a bit since we met. Just as impulsive. Just as incompetent. You’re doing nothing but disappointing yourself, and it’s a shame you’re too dumb to see it.”
These paragraphs are good because it introduces questions and adds motivation to keep reading to find them out. Though be careful, because it also introduces the winged demon as a jerk. First impressions are very important even if the character doesn't act bad throughout the story. So as long as he's intentionally like that, it's fine.

When the stagecoach began to slow and the horse’s galloping came to a halt, the mansion was in clear view. “And it’s time to give the king the bad news. Are you ready?” Gladius clearly wasn’t, but was dragged with the winged man regardless. He was oddly silent for his personality, which often indicated some level of distress for the demon. Who could blame him? After all, he was on opposite sides of the conflict than everyone around him. Speaking his mind would bring serious consequences—how grand those consequences were was debatable, but he was immediately outcast nevertheless.

What demon fights for peace?
My last critique would be to don't forget to show not tell. In this last paragraph you tell us a lot. Gladius is quiet. He's normally the opposite. Whoever he's meeting (his father?) is cruel, or at least severe. Gladius risks punishment.

Instead of telling us Gladius isn't normally like this have a moment before when Gladius acts like himself. Maybe as they ride Gladius is very chatty, but as soon as he sees the mansion he becomes silent. Maybe, to show the situation Gladius is in, have someone punished right before their eyes or something similar. It's up to you to decide.


For some more writing advice, I recommended reading some of springhole.net 's articles, since it's full of good writing and roleplaying advice.
 

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