Poetry Howl's Collection of Poetry

[HowlingWoods]

So, I'm an amateur poet looking for constructive criticism and general thoughts. I feel like a lot of my poetry kinda reads like slam poetry, except it's written. I do deal with some potentially controversial topics. Please do not tell me my opinions are trash or otherwise belittle me for my thoughts. A lot of these poems are just me exploring ideas I've had, but not necessarily a statement of my opinion, too. That said, feel free to tell me how I can improve my writing.

Okay, let's go!

I Don't Write Negativity, I Write Reality

I hear it again and again,
“Write happy, or you’re wasting your brain.”
No, no, you have it all wrong!
Don’t you see? We all think in a throng,
But we never look at all the ways,
Our thinking is just plain...sideways.
See, if we’re always being positive,
Suppressing feelings that could be causative,
Feelings that could create waves,
Waves of change that can be made.
If we suppress,
We depress.
Our children of today,
Deserve better than to be led astray.
If we keep it all inside,
No change can be applied,
Because passion is what makes change,
And you must be deranged,
To think passion can be made from nothing but positivity;
Can’t you see? Passion is having motivity,
Because you know what’s wrong with the world,
But you have ideas to share that don’t have to stay a dreamworld,
We can make it reality,
If we just push past positivity,
And start thinking not about negativity,
But about how we can get to reality.
How can we fuse positive and negative?
Opposites so extreme, they seem almost segregative…
But we can use them to bring people together,
Not tear them apart like monsters who sever.
I don’t write negativity,
I write reality,
And if that doesn’t say something about our society,
I think you need to open your eyes and face the fact that not everything’s about propriety.
So please, stop saying to write something happy,
I’ll write something happy when the world isn’t so snappy;
When people aren’t living in poverty,
And lives aren’t ruined by legal robbery;
When we stop teaching children to the test,
And competing to be the best;
When we start thinking ourselves,
And stop labeling people like products on shelves.
When the world is happy, I’ll write something to match,
But for now, it seems like a cheap patch,
To think positively,
When so much of the world is steeped in negativity.
So now, I’ll leave you with a question,
To end this session,
Tell me, do you want this reality?
And what do you plan to do to make your dreams enter immortality?

Sick

I’m sick,
my skin feels slick,
my body moans,
my mind groans,
It’s real, I swear!
the pain I bare,
why must I fake,
that I have a stomach ache,
to show you that I’m ill,
even if I’m not hot to the touch, still --

I’m sick in the head,
I still take meds,
why don’t they work?
I crawl through the murk,
fog so dark and damp,
It’d be home for a vamp,
but for me, it’s hell,
it smells,
I can’t control what doesn’t listen,
emotions that glisten,
as tears on my face,
I’m wasted space,
let me go!
please don’t say no…

I don’t have a fever,
no stomach ache either,
no flu,
it’s not a ruse,
but I’m sick in the head,
you heard what I said,
they call it mental illness for a reason,
I’m beaten,
I’m done,
I can’t see the sun,
I want to go home,
it’s called a syndrome,
I’m selfish, I know,
I can’t take it, though!

I’m sick in the head,
might as well be dead,
leave me alone,
a phone!
I’ll call my dad,
but he’ll be mad!
I need to leave,
I don’t have time to grieve,
“hello? I’m sick.”
“this another trick?”
“no! Can’t you be a believer?”
“where’s your fever?”
“I don’t have one,”
“stay at school, hun.”
and with that, he won,
nothing to be done.

Bystander

I’m not particularly great,
But I’m enough that I wonder at my strength,
I scream and cry and sob some more,
But I cry for reasons no one else can war,
Reasons too much to bear,
I don’t think I have a prayer,
I’m strong, sure,
But there is no cure,
I’m dying here,
Are my screams really hard to hear?

No one listens,
My tears seem to glisten,
The sadness bores into me,
Why can’t anyone see?
The pain I breathe,
Why do they let me seethe,
Boiling alive,
Until there’s nothing left inside?

I’m stronger than most,
Yet I can’t take another dose,
Of this pain that burns my flesh,
It’s giving me a thresh,
Tearing apart my heart,
Splattering the gore like art,
If I ever had a right to be mad,
It’d be now, but instead I’m just so sad.

They watch as I writhe in pain,
I long to see them slain,
Don’t they care?
It’s more than I can bear!
Their noses, upright,
Their words, so uptight,
Smug,
They’re like thugs,
No right or wrong,
Just the weak and strong.

I must not be strong enough,
I can’t just be tough,
It’s too much,
I know such,
The air bites at my skin,
I can’t even trust my kin,
This roof,
It’s my proof,
I’m too weak,
To get what I seek,
I’m falling,
Bawling,
Everyone is watching,
Maybe now they’ll stop mocking,
Splat.

Bystander, thank you for that.

What is a Box

What is a box?
Well, sure, it has 6 sides and 8 corners.
But, what is it?
You might say,
Well, it’s a box!
And I would say,
Yes, we all know it’s a box…
But, what is a box?
You might say,
A box is a confined space!
But, doesn’t that make my head a box?
My brain is not open,
It’s confined to a certain sort of thought.
My brain is a box.
What else is a box?
Maybe society is a box.
Society is a box that keeps my brain inside its box.
My brain is a box inside society’s box.
Is a box always hollow?
Is my brain hollow?
Is society hollow?
Perhaps.
But if my brain is a box inside society’s box,
Who’s labeling all these boxes?
Do we need labels?
Can’t we just be boxes?
I like to think I can think outside the box,
But which box am I thinking outside of?
My brain’s box?
Society’s box?
Maybe something bigger…
Earth’s box?
Space’s box?
Or smaller…
A concept’s box?
A singular idea’s box?
Am I thinking outside all boxes?
Is there anything outside the box?
Which box?
Maybe we do need labels.
A box is a box, you say.
But a box is so much more than just a box!
But…
What is a box?

A Poem for Sarah

How can you encapsulate a person
That you know so well
In mere words?

You are beautiful
Because you have known ugliness.
You are a light
Because you have known darkness.
You are strong
Because you have known weakness.
You are selfless
Because you have known selfishness.
You are humble
Because you have known arrogance.
You are free
Because you have known confinement.
You are you
Because you cannot be defined.

Was it enough?
It was not.
Did I hit the mark?
I did not.
Is it all I can do?
It is.

For words cannot describe
A person
Once you have seen them for who they are.

Dear God

Dear God,
Do you hear me?
Are you there?
I climb mountains,
And stand on the peak,
Shouting your name,
Because there's only one thing I seek…
I want proof,
Tangible evidence,
A voice I can hear,
Or words I can speak.
The brightening of a sky on a stormy night,
Or the answer of a wish
I ask with all my breaking heart…
I try to have faith,
But how can I believe
When I'm screaming your name
And all I get back are
Tears?

Dear God,
If you're there,
Why should I worship you?
Maybe you exist,
But what defines your benevolence?
You've dragged me down deep,
To places I do not dare peek,
Where horrendous monsters roam
And light does not reach.
Monsters of the mind,
With terrible claws that grasp for my life,
Hungry for the fresh, innocent mind.

Dear God,
Do you hear me?
Are you there?
It's your daughter here.
I'm sorry I couldn't believe.
I'm sorry, but I've decided
To walk my own path,
And make my own mark.
I will no longer chase your shadow,
And cry your name.

Dear God,
Goodbye.

The American Dream

Money?
Funny,
I thought it was about success,
But it’s just about excess…
Can’t you see?
It’s all a sham, designed to trick you and me.
We think it’s a dream,
But it’s really a sick scheme,
To raise hopes,
And smash the dreams of dopes.
Don’t be fooled,
You don’t have to be ruled.

Great opportunity,
Upward Mobility,
Freedom,
Property,
Land and Luxury,
What do all of these have in common?
Money, that’s what!

So why is that bad?
That you have to ask is sad…
It’s okay to dream of money,
But to think your happiness hinges on it is just funny!
The American Dream is a huge fabrication,
Told to teach children that money is elation;
Many throw away lives of snobbery,
In order to live on the brink of poverty.
Can’t you see?
Money is hardly a herbal tea;
It can’t cure depression,
It can only seed more aggression.

The American Dream:
It makes me want to scream.

Poem - A Noun

A poem is a person.

It is gentle hugs
and comforting smiles.
It is small gestures
and quiet acts of kindness.
It is also screaming voices
and accusatory tones.
It is manipulative words
and betraying faces.

A poem is a place.

It is beautiful lagoons
and redwood forests.
It is natural beauty
and crystal waterfalls.
It is also smoggy cities
and terrible factories.
It is polluted waters
and radioactive warzones.

A poem is a thing.

It is tangible paper
and 'smells like books’.
It is drying ink
and typewriter font.
It is also vulnerable
and so easy to burn.
It is forgotten words
and lost vocabulary.

A poem is an idea.

It is thoughts of another world
and smiling empathy.
It is conveyed emotion
and cheerful grins.
It is also corrupted smiles
and broken hearts.
It is betrayal
and one-sided love.

Poem
Noun (A person, place, thing, or idea.)

 

[Grey]

I like what you're doing thematically, but I've got to force myself to sleep now.
I'm expecting a slow day at the office tomorrow, so I'll be back with some constructive feedback.

 

[HowlingWoods]

Haha okay, get some rest!

 

[Grey]

Alright, first round of feedback. I'll want to let them marinate in my head for a while and then read them again, but for now I'll go over what stands out and give my boilerplate advice: read more poetry to write better poetry.

I can see why you felt a lot of it was like slam. The American Dream in particular reads like slam poetry, which is no bad thing - it's a very political and passionate mode, which I don't write myself but appreciate greatly. As it is, I think one thing you could work on in general is metaphor. A good metaphor gives you room for more beautiful language and emotional resonance, leaving a little room for interpretation but trusting the reader the fill in the blanks.
Robert Frost is a favourite of mine, in terms of metaphor. I'd also like to link Patience Agbabi but she's recent enough it's hard to find examples without paying for them (which I have, but I'm in no hurry to repost her material).

Another thing, which is admittedly a more aesthetic choice, is emphasising metre over rhyme. Rhyme forces you into some awkward word choices, and you've opted for a fairly simple scheme which can get a bit grating after a couple of stanzas (YMMV, obvs). I think Poem - A Noun and Dear God are strong showings in this regard, with more of a focus on euphonious metre.

I think there was a third point, but it's slipped my mind. Anyway, I think you've got potential and you clearly have the all-important willingness to learn. If you want I can do a closer breakdown of a few of these poems for more targeted advice. And I'll come back to this later after digesting more.

Also, so I'm not just being some jerk mouthing off at no risk, you can take a look at my poetry to decide if I don't know what I'm talking about and, optionally, make fun of it.

 

[HowlingWoods]

Thanks for the wonderful thoughts! I'm at school right now but when I get out I'll make a more thorough reply!

 

[HowlingWoods]

Alright! I'm back.

So, I admit, I don't read a lot of poetry. I've kind of already been slowly correcting this by joining a poetry circle at my school and following up by searching up poets we talk about there. Still, for some reason I love writing poetry, but I find reading poetry difficult. I don't not enjoy it, but I don't enjoy it either. Thank you nonetheless for the advice, though, and I'll do my best to take it to heart.

Actually, when I mentioned that my poetry feels like slam poetry, I was thinking more along the lines of Bystander and I Don't Write Negativity, I Write Reality. In my experience, The American Dream feels like something closer to "standard" poetry if I can call it that? Like, what most people think of when they think of poetry. I'm interested to hear why you think of those as more slam-poetryish. For me, I think of Slam Poetry as something that is read kind of quickly, typically highly emotional or dealing with politically charged topics, and typically has a faster pace to it. That said, my experience with slam poetry is even less so than typical poetry, so I could be way off mark. That's just the slam poems I've heard. So, The American Dream feels the complete opposite of that - it's slower, still politically charged but not quite seeping with emotion. Again, tell me why you thought that.

It's interesting that you'd suggest a metaphor, as just today I attended my poetry circle and we talked about Coal by Audre Lorde. Afterwards, we were tasked with writing our own poem by creating a metaphor about something that people see when they look at us and judge us for, but don't realize that it can be a strength. So, I'm a high-functioning autistic (Asperger's Syndrome, to be precise) so I chose to write about that, using the metaphor of moths and butterflies. I haven't typed it up yet, but when I get the chance I'll be sure to send it to you.

As for rhyme vs. meter...I do realize that I use rhyme perhaps a bit too often, but sometimes I struggle to write without it. I use a rhyming dictionary usually, and so writing in an AABBCCDD format lets me write the first A freestyle, and then take the last word from that line and look it up on a rhyming dictionary, find a word that inspires me, and then write the second A. Then, I do the same thing with B, and C, and so on...So, I've become somewhat dependent on it for ideas. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how to break away from that?

Also, I'm curious. I've never really studied meter, or tried to do a specific meter like Iambic Pentameter, but I've been told several times by various people that in some of my poems, the meter is really good. How does this happen? Moreover, if I wanted to do this more often, where should I begin in my studies of meter?

Feel free to break down my poetry! You can totally do all of them, but I don't think you have the time for that, so in particular I want to see: Sick, What is a Box, and Poem - A Noun.

I have plans to read your poetry later, but honestly I just got back from school and I'm surprised I wrote this much lol. I'm tired. >.> Thank you so much for reading through these and taking the time to give me feedback, though - I appreciate it!

P.S. For the sake of trivia, Dear God was actually originally a prose piece that read a lot like poetry. The first two stanzas are almost verbatim, just written like a poem and not in a paragraph. I completely altered the last stanza though, as the original piece (titled Dear God, Are You There?) received a lot of feedback that the ending was confusing.

 

[Grey]

It's great that you're taking those steps! And perhaps you just need to find a poet who speaks to you - it's always good to read poetry different from what you like, but it can take time to find a poet or even specific poems that really get through to you, that you love to read. For example, I re-read Robert Montgomery often and it always brings a tear to my eyes.
I'll be curious to see that poem! My brother also has Asperger's, so thankfully I'll have a point of comparison for better understanding the metaphor. Sounds like the poetry circle is already benefiting you.

Bystander and I Don't Write Negativity, I Write Reality.

Those came off less like slam to me purely because of the simple AABBCC rhyme scheme - feels weird to speak aloud, has a nursery rhyme cadence.
Slam poetry has become kind of homogeneous in the last decade - slower, more considered recitations have their place, but people seem to default to stuff like numbered lists.
As for breaking away from the scheme, check out some specific poetic forms and experiment with some other rhyme schemes like those listed here.

Part of how your meter comes out well is likely you have a strong intuition for it, and your rhyme scheme helps since their will be stress similarities in the rhyming words. You also keep lines fairly short, which helps. Honestly, start with the wikipedia page I linked last post and follow citations. Meter is best learned with practice and reading.

I can make some time to help out; it just means I won't work fast. But it took me years to reach the level of petty dabbler, so keep in mind writing poetry is a pretty long road and the work never really ends.

Interesting about Dear God - maybe that suggests you could draft more before you decide on a finished version?