Chitchat How would you describe your addiction, affliction or mental illness?

[-Q-]

So...
I was diagnosed with reactional depression in my 20s, along with stress and anxiety. By that time I'd already had several episodes and had been living with it for between 3-5 years. I also frequently experience panic attacks and suffered several through uni.

During my teens, I self medicated with alcohol. I dropped out of school, barely passed any of my courses and started stealing money from my parents. I did some pretty stupid stuff I'm not proud of.

I was never hospitalised, but I probably should have been given that I'd stopped eating, had anorexia episodes, became an alcoholic, had severe insomnia and other symptoms. (My friends still believe I struggle with body dysmorphia due to this period of time).

When I was finally diagnosed by my Doctor after a breakdown at work, she was actually really understanding, asking me whether I wanted medication or talking therapy. For someone who had an aversion to taking medication; the talking therapy seemed like the best option to me.

It was shit. The first time I talked to my "therapist" was an hour long meeting where she asked questions and generally looked bored and sounded disinterested. Each following week, I'd receive a short phone call asking me to rate how suicidal I felt on a scale of 1 to 10. Nothing ever came of my bad days (where I'd rate higher) and eventually, without forewarning, the phone calls stopped.

Meanwhile, where I worked was an awful place. The boss frequently told my friends things like "who the hell is going to employ someone with depression?" And "she's lucky she still has a job" after i was forced to take time off work for my mental health. I was there for a long time and I was miserable.

This went on for a while before one night and a less than sober conversation with my friend's mum; I made a decision. I quit my job and enrolled back in school. I was gonna be a mental health nurse and learn to help people like me.

And that's where I eventually got. After 5 years of training which should have been 4, several ups and downs, more bullying at work and during clinicals/placements and I'm finally a qualified nurse.

I now self medicate with herbal, over the counter remedies on bad days and have a wonderfully supportive BF (on the ASD spectrum) who has learned what to look out for and how to care for me.

I still have "dark days", or "blue moments", but I'm now doing something I love work wise and try to keep my brain occupied so it doesn't have a chance to stray into dark territory.

 

[ceolsige]

After scanning through the posts, I didn't see this one, so I'll throw in mine.

I have OCD. There are a lot of varieties of OCD, like obsessive cleaning, organization, hoarding, etc., but what I experience is called "magical thinking."

I repeat actions and thoughts over and over and over until they "feel right" to me, and experience extreme anxiety if I don't. Like most people with OCD, I know it's my disorder, and yet it's easier to do what my compulsions want me to do than try and fight it. Luckily, most people would never know I had this disorder unless I told them. Only a very few times have people I don't know well called me out. An example that sticks out is a coworker asking why I kept buckling and unbuckling my seatbelt before I got out of her car.

In the scheme of things it's part of who I am, and only rarely do I feel it causes severe discomfort. The most problematic way it shows itself is in the repetition of personally disturbing or unacceptable thoughts, and in the anxiety that comes with it. Sometimes it can cause symptoms of depression, which I think come from mental exhaustion. Overall, I'm lucky it's something I mostly can share as I please, as it's very rarely noticed by others, even those close to me.

 

[Seahomie]

Never been diagnosed with something because I avoid doctors/therapists at all costs because I have a fear of what they might say. I don't want anyone to know what makes me tick, or why I act a certain way as those are all private details I doubt that disclosing that information would be beneficial in any way. I don't believe the professionals are terrible, not at all, I actually love the doctors when the illness is merely physical and I love donating blood, so it's not that.

Without an experience relating to this field whatsoever, I believe I may have a form of borderline personality disorder. Not meaning the "oh I was happy five minutes ago, and now I'm sad" it's "I'll be extremely manic for hours, days even, where I'm happy, talking frequently, loving life, thinking I'm the shit with my cool ass humour that makes myself laugh, and oh... wait... wait why... oh. That's not what I wanted. I hate the world. Fuck everyone. Fuck you ALL. What have I done to deserve this?! I can't.. I'm tired of living. I have no fucking potential and I'm a fucking waste of space. I'm meaningless in the grand scheme of things." There's hardly a trigger, there's hardly anything logical that makes me switch between both, but both are pretty dangerous. I get reckless during my elated phase and extremely suicidal in my depressive phase.

I also tend to isolate myself from fucking everyone because I tend to fuck up my chances of having normal relationships. In the past, if someone showed me a sliver of kindness whilst entertaining me by relation, I would obsess over them to the point where they would become uncomfortable and leave. Well, at least I think they were uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable with my own actions so I sort of broke the ties. I broke all communication with my family, moved to an entirely new state to start again (also to attend college), and I'm alone. Which is fine, it's better for me this way, but I hate my unintentional clinginess.

I'm also prone to dissociative disorders because both my biological dad and his aunt had a form of d. fugue/positive signs of schizophrenia (which aren't better, they just add something to that disorder btw. Like word salads, hallucinations, etc.). I already know I'm generally apathetic, I cannot socialize for the life of me, and my physical speech is atrocious. Jumbled, really. And, yeah, it's probably nothing, but I can't help but be apprehensive when those genes are inside me. My dad literally thought everyone was out to get them so he decided to manipulate them into doing what he wanted so he could get the upper hand and win. My great aunt believed the power plant a few miles from her house was poisoning her water supply so she rioted, became belligerent, and frequently visited the hospital because of her dehydration because she refused to drink/eat anything until it stopped.

And there's this whole thing on extreme discomfort on sex, that I don't want to get into, and... yeah. Just another alienable trait I suppose.

For anyone suffering from anything, I do want to say that all of you are doing a great ass job and I'm damn proud of you for making it this far. You're so strong, okay? It's truly impressive. Keep it up, and let's hope for the best!

 

[AbsurdNerd]

Sorry, what did you just say? What's this thread about? How did I get here?!
(ADHD)

 

[ThatDovah]

I've never been diagnosed with anything. But over the last 6 years or so I've showed several symptoms of Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. And sometimes I think showing those symptoms without ever having been diagnosed and trying to live feeling and thinking all these things is a lot more difficult than having been diagnosed and living with it.
There are periods of time when I am just okay, not feeling necessarily happy about life but I'm okay. Things could be better and things could be worse. I like how things are now. Then, the very next day, all of those decent things I'm feeling have gone out the window. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to shower or do the dishes. Even eating seems like a chore.
I've withdrawn from most social activities. I have a very small group of friends (1 irl, 2 internet friends) and other then them I don't talk to anyone less I have to, I don't socialize unless I have to, I will make up any excuse or story I can to get out of social situations. On the worst days, I have to excuse myself from school because I lack the motivation, the will, the drive, because I don't want to feel like everyone around me is judging what I do or how I look.
This is a really difficult thing for me to explain. Especially because I haven't been officially diagnosed. I'm scared to find out if I actually have these disorders, or maybe other disorders.. I dunno.
Good luck with your stories.

 

[Unknown1]

I'm not sure if i have a mental illness, but i do have a long time of loneliness. What makes it worse is i knew deep friendship at one point, and never had it again. I feel constantly like i'm missing something, sometimes i feel like i'm just living to live, that there is no purpose to my existence. So maybe i'm depressed as a result? Or just a lasting sadness, i find it difficult to keep friends, i can make them easily, but i don't know what to do after that and don't have the social skills for it. I always just hope i'll run into someone who knows how to get me to naturally know how to, and will care enough. I just know how to rp, thats what i did my whole life to communicate because i didn't know any other form. Life has been a constant limbo for several years now to me. There were times which i stopped seeing people as people, i just saw them as walking skeletons, destined to turn to dust. (Depression?)

 

[Gaotau]

I normally don't do this, but since there's no ties to me in real life, I'll share a bit. I have some sort of bipolar issue (I have phases of depression and phases of happiness). I also was clinically diagnosed with PTSD because I was physically bullied and hospitalized (I don't normally share this because I feel like I'm taking away from veterans/soldiers. I was hospitalized several times, yes, but I don't like to detract from others). I also have Aspergers. I also have Alexithymia, which is emotional blindness. I have a hard time "reading" peoples emotions. At times, I can clearly see their problem, but I don't know how to "comfort", instead I look for logical solutions to the problem. Oh, and I also have epilepsy.

I'm extremely introverted as well. I prefer to be alone (whether it was due to bullying or by nature or by both, I'm not sure). Yeah, I'm a mess. Lol.

 

[AbsurdNerd]

On a more serious note, my ADHD isn't TOO bad, not to the point of me not being able to pay attention to anything for long periods of time (hell, I love to read) but it's mostly just the cause of my spontaneity and random bursts of nonsense. Also sometimes while typing I forget what I'm typing about and repeat myself or say something completely unrelated. But, it's not TOO bad, not the point of me not being able to pay attention to anything.
and that's why I act the way I do. (Yay *confetti*)
Edit: Also the whole running gag of my avatars chewing pencils is that chewing pencils helps me focus. It's weird, but it gets rid of that mindless energy.

 

[EmmyKpop]

I have ADHD. I always did since 2nd grade. Teacher told my parents to get me diagnosed. I am an HSP as a part of my ADHD and I have SOD. I also have mild anxiety and depression.

ADHD means my brain is wired differently than others. I have a many thoughts but my brain can't filter any of it. With thoughts comes emotions and feelings. You can only express yourself through one mood at a time. When I come across any form of information, my brain is wired to take everything at once.

I can't wear certain clothing and I can't wear clothing with tags on it. Forget layers of clothing. Cold is easier to suffer than feeling layers of clothing. I must change around my room frequently and I can't stay still in one area. I need a place at work where I can move and not feel cramped.

Due to the impulsivity of ADHD, I respond with my emotions more often than if I think. Hence why I can be HSP. Therefore, I don't always handle criticism well and I can be a really emotional person.

If I have something I need to see, speak, or do, sometimes if I don't then my anxiety kicks in. I can't lie or hold onto secrets. If someone hurts me, I can't hold back. I end up doing things like not sleeping and sometimes will even go into panic because my thoughts are racing. Once I get anything and everything off my chest, then I can feel at peace.

The biggest difficulty of ADHD is that I can never perform well on tests and quizzes. I can't absorb what I read and while I can demonstrate my understanding of concepts, I never do well with multiple choice or specific questions out of books. Participating in class doesn't get you anywhere, but it was the only thing I was best at and it's hard to talk about ADHD.

I face the stigma of "well everyone is like that" or "everyone has it" or "if you work harder." I can't take notes, I can't keep track of said notes, I lose my books, I lose my homework, and the times I do my homework and manage to bring it with me to class I clearly didn't understand the instructions despite reading them. The harder I did try to keep track of things, the likelier I was to lose things.

Right now, my meds are a means to keep my mood together and make it easier to breathe. My ADHD is more of an issue towards my emotions, mood, and feelings nowadays than anything else.

 

[Chimney Swift]

So this isn't so much a "mental illness" as a neurological disability, but I'm autistic. I was diagnosed when I was 15, which is pretty late, but since I didn't start seeing a psychologist until high school it makes sense.

Obviously, autism presents in a myriad of ways, but mostly it has to do with how a person's brain interprets sensory information and social cues.

For me, this mostly manifests in how my brain "prioritizes" sensory input. For example, it's impossible for me to filter out background noise and fully hear someone talking to me. If I'm in a brightly lit, strong-smelling, or noisy environment, I overload very quickly and become an irritable, unresponsive mess. It isn't pretty.

On the flip side, this sensory processing issue can make some things even nicer. I'm hypersensitive to smell, and certain smells (like rain, or fresh apples) just really click well in my brain.and I just have a deeper sense of enjoyment than non- autistic people would. Certain textures also do this for me, which is why I'm always looking for tactile sensory input, like running my hand along a brick wall or snapping my fingers. That's called self-stimulatory behavior, or stimming. All autistic people do that to some extent, and it's also common in people with ADHD or other neurological conditions.

I also struggle with certain social situations. While I'm comfortable onstage in front of a large crowd, talking to retail workers makes me anxious. Actually, I struggle with one-on-one interaction the most, even with friends. I can't make eye contact wothout getting completely distracted from what the person is saying, and it takes me a really long time to formulate a response so i usually just end up saying rushed, stupid-sounding nonsense to avoid awkard pauses. I can't really tell what "tone of voice" I'm using in a conersation, so sometimes I say something trying to be polite and still come across as blunt or uncaring. It's easier for me when I have time to think about it. This is why I prefer to be onstage with memorized lines, knowing the basics of what to expect!

Finally, I tend to form really intense interests. I've been obsessed with Shakespeare for a really long time, though I remember as a kid having this giant book about dinosaurs that I memorized cover to cover, basically never reading anything else. I also just tend to latch on to pointless obscure "trivia facts" amd remember them forever. Sometimes, this makes people think I'm really smart.

So in short, it has its ups and downs. A lot of people talk about autism like it's a huge tragedy, but I think it's an irremovable facet of who I am as a person, and I don't know who I'd be without it.

 

[The_Omega_Effect]

I am a psychopath...

 

[Vannahgrace04]

I had and still sometimes struggle with depression. I got out of it for a bit but it went back down hill when my grandmother passed. I feel that it’s misunderstood everyone has different symptoms and some may get over it without help. I’ve also been suicidal. I haven’t tried it in a while but I still get the thought.
As for addiction I was addicted to self
harm. I still relapse when things get bad
but I’m doing well for now.
I also get bad panic attacks and hate talking In front of people I always feel so judged.

 

[BunnyDemon]

I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was in the first grade. I remember I would just start crying for no reason and when anyone asked me what was wrong, the only thing I could tell them was "I want my mommy." My psychiatrist explained that, in my mind, I was convinced that if I didn't see my mom right then, I would never see her again. I couldn't explain why or even know when these episodes would happen. I was put on Zoloft which I took until I was in the seventh grade.

I'm now 25 years old and have been back on Zoloft for a year. I have a better understanding of my anxiety, but still struggle with it daily. Because of it, I'm shy, awkward, and really sensitive. When triggered, my crying episodes can last hours, and I don't always know why I'm crying. I constantly think others are talking or thinking bad things about me. I have trouble letting things go. If I make a simple mistake, I can carry that with me for days, weeks, even years. Things that I've said or done in the past are constantly running through my head.

I'm still living with family simply because I'm scared of moving forward. I have an amazing boyfriend, but he lives several states away. I want to move so I can be closer to him, but I'm scared of what could happen, and that thought keeps me where I am. He knows about my anxiety, but he can't fully understand it, and I don't expect him to. There are times (and it's becoming more often lately) where we are talking on the phone and he wants to play a game or do something else besides just talking, but I don't feel like it, and he doesn't get why. My brain is telling me I should do something productive instead of just sitting there, but I'm so over-whelmed with things I could be doing, I just end up sitting there doing nothing. And when I do decide on a task to do, it takes me hours to complete it, and by then, it's either too late to do anything with him or I'm just too tired to.

 

[Dair]

Well I have high functioning Autism so basically I don't have the best social skills, which with my personality means that things are a lot more interesting in a good way, stuttering here and there and generally enjoying having this sort of handicap since its hilarious even for me. I'd say I'm addicted to porn since I do it just to do it though that's not really interesting or super safe for work. I also smoke which is fun. It burns every time and sometimes it give me a stomach ache though most of the time it gives a great rush so I love it. Plus I honestly like the aesthetic vibe of it. Other than that I'm just a chill dude so sorry if I couldn't add much to this conversation.

 

[Retro Dreamer]

I have been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it sucks... The worst for me are the damn emotions. While most of the time I have a strong grip on them and distance myself from stuff by putting up walls so I don't feel, it's not always possible so once I run into something that slips through my defenses it overwhelms me... well it's like feeling all the emotions I have been keeping myself from feeling ten or more times stronger.
While I get attached to friends easily and if they leave me it does hurt like hell times three, after a while (three days or maybe more if we were really close) I kinda switch from feeling like they are amazing and I knew them my whole life (even if i didn't) to a feeling... hmmm best described like a stranger? You know when you meet someone and you don't feel anything about them yet because you basically have no info or memories with them (just that I have the memories but not the feeling that comes with them)? Its kinda like that, but of course it's also a bad thing because last month I met a childhood friend after half a year apart and she felt like a total stranger to me and she used to be my best friend since we were little, we used to have sleepovers, run away from home, go camping, kiss for the first time, share secrets and stuff... but while the memories are there the feeling is entirely gone so yeah... sucks. Then there is the mood swings, I have days where I feel like I live for the first time in my life and everything is so clear and amazing but also days where it feels like I'm empty. Etc...
Its a complicated topic but lately I have it more under control and have less of those things happening.

 

[chicachu]

I was diagnosed with Short term memory loss and i know even know how to describe it. It's the one reason i'm a night owl. There are times when it gets better and times when it's worse. During night time the only thing that seems to work is my memory. Sometimes i'll be walking and i'll forget where i'm walking or where i am. My arms are always covered in notes written with sharpie. it's the only way i can kinda remember things. It's that feeling you get when you know you forgot something but you can't remember for the life of you what it is. this is like.....i think its my 3 or 2 times trying to write this. I don't remember if i've written or tried to write it more....It seems to get worse when i'm calm and it gets better when my anxiety is up. It's caused me to have bad depression. It's made me have bad depression. I missed a few of the most important things in my life. Like my little brothers first words. I was so upset. I can't seem to remember the day when it happened or what he said. I know my parents told me. It's on the tip of my tongue. But it's terrible. And something i'll have to life with.

 

[DeerPrince]

I've never been properly diagnosed or really sought out help because I have a personality that really just says "get over it", if that makes any sense. Obviously that wouldn't work for more serious issues, but for smaller things, that's the sort of mentality I have when it comes to dealing with setbacks and such.

Throughout my sophomore and junior year in high school I did have pretty bad anxiety because I over-scheduled and over-exterted myself both academically and in other extracurriculars (i.e. sports, music). At the time I struggled a lot with the Model Minority stereotype (I'm Asian lol). The thought of trying to fit in with said stereotype kind of became a shadow to everything I did, and I desperately wanted to fit in. I guess it's a bit hard to explain and probably doesn't make much sense to most ^^; , but I tried to somehow appear smart and act like how my other Asian American peers were acting: I took APs and Honors classes that were sometimes out of my realm.

My junior year I ended up taking AP World, Lang and Honors Precalc (along with the other required classes) all at once, and at least in my school, it's a lot, lot, lot of work. For World History we had about a chapter test per week with quizzes smattered in, and I think we had a chapter test for new Precalc topics ever week and a half. As one can imagine, you need to put forth a lot of effort to try and do well in them.

I think the worst part was during the winter when my sport's season takes place, and so I would get home really late and tired, but still needed to plod my tired ass through homework.

As a result, I did start to get pretty bad anxiety. The best way I can really describe it is that it becomes something that's constantly on your mind, and it feels like you're about to die when you have a flare up of sorts. I would literally go to bed, unable to sleep because I would be worried about my test grade, the upcoming test, whatever it was, and it literally felt like a pit inside my stomach that I couldn't ever fill? I had dreams of getting bad test grades, and I had instances where I'd literally wake up in a blind panic in the middle of the night and sprint to my desk because of an imaginary assignment I never did.

If I try to explain it, I know when I'm pushing my own limits when my heart gets really fluttery feeling and starts to speed up, and it feels like everything is shutting down. It's kind of like being completely overwhelmed and not knowing how to fix it. I always get an odd urge to cry and all you can focus on is how much work still needs to be done. It feels like you're trying to run into a wall constantly, but you're also completely alone and isolated.

I suppose that's the best way I can explain it, if it makes sense at all aha c: I'm really happy you're doing something like that because a lot of my friends suffer from mental illnesses (namely anxiety and depression), and a lot of them were bullied at some point because of it. Good luck to everyone else ^-^​