How to Make Friends?

[spacepossum]

Hello everyone!


My name is Plagued, and I come to all of the residents of RpNation to answer a very important question for me, and that is as follows:


How do you make friends?


I may not seem like it on the internet, but I am actually very socially awkward in real life. Because of this, I find it very difficult to talk to people that are not already good friends with me. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I can never seem to get anyone to actually want to talk to me, for they would rather ignore me than converse with me.


In all of my classes, students as well as teachers remark on just how quiet I am in my classes.


Well, to tell the truth, I am usually anything but. I never have any friends in my classes, so I just do not talk to anyone.


I come with this question to all my fellow roleplayers because of my friend count has been dwindling as of late. All of my friends seem to not like me anymore, and just proceed to ignore me. So, as a result, every day at lunchtime do I sit by myself, eating my lunch in solitude.


And, of course, my predicament has made my mental state dwindle, to the point of my already 5-year depression worsening to the point of me hating myself to an entirely new degree from what it already was.


I do not see why nobody seems to like me, for I am incredibly nice to everyone and always try to help others, because I do not see a point to ever being mean to anyone.


So, again, how do you make friends?


I would appreciate it so much if some people responded to my predicament.


(and you may get a cookie if you do so! >,...,< )





This is a serious discussion, so I will expect no messing around with trolling comments.

 

[Dagfinn]

Watching because I honestly have no friends right now.


After switching school every year, and my closest friend abandoning me... I'm kinda at a lose.

 

[DemonKitten]

Eh, well, I was a very outgoing person until high school girls attacked. Anyhow, you should take charge. Don't wait for others start talking yourself. Answer every question you can. Give your opinion without fear or at least pretend. You just have to force yourself out of your comfort zone. Know that it doesn't matter in the future of you fumble your words or say something weird. Most people won't even care. Just stay away from mean girls

 

[Raerae]

My condolences in regards to your battle with depression, but I encourage you to continue fighting it with the assurance things do get better, it's just not always in the direction you think 'things' should be going.


Unfortunately I don't believe there really is an answer to this question- at least, nothing that either of you would like to hear. Friendship doesn't come with a guide to consistency or dependability, it just kind of works out or it doesn't. I spent my entire life moving (13 school districts and counting, so I know how grueling eating lunch alone can be) and so on. I dedicated some years to just biting my tongue and drifting through, whilst others I was overly helpful, supportive and as involved as I could be.


The truth of it is, there's too many variables when it comes to people, whether or not you connect has factors like: similar interests (but it goes so far beyond 'Netflix'), yin and yang qualities for balance, comfort, proximity, commitment, events that mold memorable moments and a desire to keep in touch... It's an effort, and honestly I don't think anyone could ever assure a long term friendship, that's just a blessing I can't calculate.


I think what this question is seeking would be comfort, and no one can really give that to you, you'll have to learn how to embrace solitude and find a social balance that works best for you, whilst realizing you won't always find friendly satisfaction out of it. Being anything specifically (extroverted, respectful, cold, resourceful, rude, seductive, manipulative) won't ensure anything, sometimes it's really not even about you, there's an entire other individual to take into consideration.


Who they are, who they think they are, what they're going through, their perspective lens and how they see through it if they do- attempting to earn approval is a lost cause from the start. My advice is to find yourself, and in that, others will gravitate because they appreciate you embracing your own identity. In doing so, you'll find those that make you the most comfortable, and you can be content knowing you're truly yourself with them.


And while we don't all have the benefit of having a wonderful family member (or more), don't ever take your closer siblings or parents for granted, either. If you're fortunate enough to have someone like that who's close to you, and you're comfortable with them, think about if you lost them. Suddenly, extending your reach and attempting to make more friends isn't as important as strengthening the connection with whomever you're close with. They could be gone in a flash, and sometimes their presence is enough to leave you permanently satisfied.


Or get a cat, that's what I did, lol. (:

 

[BuddhistDracula]

And, of course, my predicament has made my mental state dwindle, to the point of my already 5-year depression worsening to the point of me hating myself to an entirely new degree from what it already was.

Problem spotted. In most of the cases, the problem isn't the others - the problem lies within the one who complains. If you hate yourself, you give yourself a negative aura. In other words: If you don't like yourself - whoelse will?

 

[Dagfinn]

Problem spotted. In most of the cases, the problem isn't the others - the problem lies within the one who complains. If you hate yourself, you give yourself a negative aura. In other words: If you don't like yourself - whoelse will?

It's funny though along those same lines, because I don't like myself part of me loses respect for those who do like me.

 

[BuddhistDracula]

@Dagfinn That might also happen.

 

[Obsessed]

I can totally relate. I am also very quiet and very awkward. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first However, I talk freely and be very super jolly and talkative to those people I find comfortable and whom I am very close with. However, when I was enrolled in a homeschooling program, it worsen my shyness. Until now, I'm still homeschooled. On the internet back then, I was always talkative but now, I'm very awkward. I kind of forgot how to make friends and I always envy those people who are very open and jolly. I want to change this personality, I'm trying but I just can't... i don't know how to. It's so sad. I don't even have a life so I usually spend my time here staring at those threads in Interest check or just lie down and do simple stuff.

 

[BuddhistDracula]

@Obsessed You can... If I can do it, you can, too, I'm sure.


What really helped me was sports. In my case, it's streetdance... and, you know, there's no 'I' in 'crew'. Maybe you should try sports as well it might also be something different, of course... it should just be in a crew or team (there's no 'I' in 'team' either...)

 

[Obsessed]

@Obsessed You can... If I can do it, you can, too, I'm sure.
What really helped me was sports. In my case, it's streetdance... and, you know, there's no 'I' in 'crew'. Maybe you should try sports as well it might also be something different, of course... it should just be in a crew or team (there's no 'I' in 'team' either...)

Oh I wish I can, I hope soon. When I had my vacation last July, me and my family went to visit our cousins and relatives and they were all so talkative, planning to go on swimming and other stuff and I'm always left alone in the corner, staring at nothing. Plus, I always hear my parents and my aunts talking about me, about how independent I am (since I don't go anywhere unless they are with me) even though it's just me worrying and taking care of them but shrugs. My cousins have also told me why I'm so shy and I should try to talk more.


And that might be a problem, I'm living right now in a Muslim country and I'm not a Muslim and their culture is very different (no offense), especially I'm a girl. However, I am currently in a karate class... there are a lot of students and the classroom (or the practice room) is getting louder and louder which is fun but I haven't talked to anyone really. xD .

 

[BuddhistDracula]

@Obsessed That's almost exactly what I used to be like until a year ago... always standing alone, afraid of making the first step.

especially I'm a girl

I'm a girl (and yeah, I called myself CountDracula on here), too, and I've got lots of male friends from Muslim countries I don't know what it's like where you are, but the people I know are nothing like those islamists from ISIS, Boko Haram etc. ... they even say that islamists aren't muslims, and they are very accepting they do try to make me convert to Islam sometimes, but you know why? They do so because they want to protect me... they believe that Allah punishes anyone who doesn't believe in him, and they want to protect me from this punishment. It's quite the same when some of them state that women shouldn't work etc. ... they do it because they think that working might hurt us or be bad for us, and that we're safer when we are at home

 

[BuddhistDracula]

I am currently in a karate class

Karate is cool, we're having karate classes at school at the moment

 

[Meredith]

Generally what I do to make friends?


I'm loud. I make jokes, I sing, I go on about things.


People like it. I must say, I'm not sure if I do.


But... it's fun, too.


You either have to do something to make yourself stand out, so people talk to you (nothing really dumb though, don't do that) or talk to 'em.

 

[Captain]

Well, I don't have any friends either. I have Asperger's, so that's a huge obstacle for me in social situations. I do have a few people at school with whom I talk now and then and do group projects with, but I don't text with them or hang out with them outside of school. We're just kind of the outcasts who are automatically drawn towards each other. But are we really friends? I don't think so. And that's fine with me, because I'm actually much rather by myself at home. ^^


The only thing I can say is; look for people at school who are also shy or are in another way a bit of an outcast. Try talking with them. Ask them if you can sit with them, or just start with asking what their favorite tv show is. Maybe it's a bit of a random thing to ask, but it will give you a lot of subjects to talk about. Try finding someone who shares your interests! Make lame jokes! Compliment their dorky t-shirt! Whatever you can come up with. Trust me, they will like that.


I know that it's hard to approach people, especially when you're so shy you would rather be homeschooled etc. But I'm afraid that if you don't go to someone, then nothing will evr happen. Put on your brave shoes and try it out!


Does it not work or would you rather not do it; remember that at least you have us here at RPNation! No one is truely alone here. I will not allow it. (PM me if you ever want to talk or want a listening ear!)

 

[Fight Me]

Maybe what you're doing in life isn't so bad...? Most of the time, 'friends' drag you down. Hell, I'd enjoy solitude while it lasts; because it really isn't going to. Someone's going to find you, and he/she is probably going to bond with you. Wether or not that's a good thing is up for debate, but living life dependent on others is definitely a tiring task...


Just think about all the hobbies and personal time you could be having instead of bailing a 'friend' out of a horrible situation, or having to whiteness friends go through hardships that kill you inside when you see it. I'd almost give anything to reset my choice of company, but I'm a man and I live with my decisions... You still have a chance to live your life however you want.


Be free! Go to parties! Nothing's better than being able to sleep all day on your day off without having to worry about drama... A clean slate.

 

[Anem]

Hmm well I have a hard time making friends as well but what I learnt threw trying and failing so many times is optimism is key but not to much don't want to scare people away now.


Also a bit of humor does help really but as I learnt during my 19 years of life and as I said hardships and other problems that i rather not talk about sometimes you just gotta find that one person who is willing to listen to you.


Making friends is hard but from what I learned optimism, humor, and a good right hook will help can sometimes make all the difference.

 

[Wiggle]

You should focus on yourself before focusing on others. I used to be the same way, was kinda socially awkward and stuff until one day I decided that I didn't wanna do that anymore and began improving myself as a man and as a human being. You're fairly young, so I think I should share what I've learned from my personal experience in the short time I've been around, particularly in high school and now as a responsible adult. You're gonna start off with a ton of friends in your freshman year and the like, but as you go on, you'll find that your friends begin to disappear. That's because they were never your friend to begin with, you need to focus on the one or two people that are still there and form a lasting bond with them. The number of friends doesn't matter, honestly, all that does is the one or two that stuck by you when everyone else was leaving. I met my best friend in the eighth grade and fast forward eight years later we're still hanging out, even when he's about to get married.


I always feel that it's the tough words that help more than the coddling ones, so to sum it up:


Work on getting comfortable with talking to people in person, because once you're on your own, guess what you gotta do? It'll be hard, there's no doubt about it, but in the end it'll be worth it. It's obvious that you've self esteem issues, which is something that you can change. It takes effort, like most things, but it's worth it. If you don't have the confidence, then fake it and act like you do, because eventually it will come. Don't focus on how many friends you got, try and focus on making good, lasting relationships with the people you already know. Having a positive outlook on life and keeping your eyes on a goal seems to help too. Too often we get caught up in the now and don't think about the future, work on yourself and people will come.

 

[CallmeMyth]

Forget trying to make friends, stay away from other people if you want to live! lol


I've always been socially awkward myself, even though most people who know me (and even some of the people who don't know me) would say that I'm very talkative and just generally nice to be around. Most of my social awkwardness comes from the fact that I don't hang around people very much, or at all really. Which I'm ok with, because I usually don't have the desire to hang around big crowds. I'd prefer to be somewhere by myself with my 'significant other' or just hanging out with a close friend.


I'd tell you not to worry about people not talking to you. Chances are they don't dislike you, they just don't know you very well and don't speak to you as a result. If for whatever reason they do dislike you though, it wouldn't be worth your time to get to know them anyway. What would you gain from trying to get someone who dislikes you to like you, when they barely even know you? Chances are, when they get to know you they will like you even less. Some people are jerks like that and there's nothing you can do about it but just pretend like you never knew them.


I say this because when I was in school, there were a lot of people who thought I was "weird" or "stuck up" because I didn't talk much. Truth is, I'm one of the nicest people you will ever meet and I don't have a mean thing to say about anyone. That doesn't mean that you should let people run over you though, or make you feel down about yourself. Some people are so mean that they actually prey on people with that type of personality. I know, because I've been picked on by a lot of people. Since I'm not a rude person I can only assume it's because they viewed me as an easy target. I'm an extremely patient and passive person, and some people don't realize that you don't care. When you stick up for yourself they will stop, or you could keep ignoring them which probably irritates the crap out of them (or makes them think they can keep going) so I wouldn't advise that.


I've tried being overly nice to people who openly admitted they disliked me for whatever reason, and it only ends badly. Just remember, it's nothing wrong with you, it's more or less something wrong with them. Anyone who goes around hating people for no reason has got issues.

 

[J0ker]

Not sure what else I can add since you've gotten quite a lot of replies, but I will say that you have to take friendships gradually. As extroverted as I may seem at times, I also am very, very cautious when it comes to my inner circle. When you meet someone you like, don't immediately label them a friend in your mind, label them an acquaintance and gauge their actions. More than once I backed out of a potential friendship due to the other person doing and saying some very strange or unsettling things. Just be careful to not let toxic people into your life.


If you are still having issues making friends, try finding social clubs or groups that appeal to you. What do you like? Sports, books, video games, politics, religion - whatever appeals to you, find people with your interests and congregate with them.

 

[ScarySketch]

I too am also very socially awkward and extremely shy in real life, though I still have friends in real life and have learned a little bit on how to talk to new people and the first steps on how to make friends.


First of all, my original solution to getting people to talk to me and try to become friends with me is to literally just wait around for someone to approach and talk to me, but I now realize that only one person in my entire life has walked up, introduced themselves, and slowly become friends with me over time, so I wouldn't say that this is the best solution and I've kind of stopped doing it.


If I've learned anything about making friends, approaching people, and getting people to talk to me, is that no matter how shy or socially awkward I am, I have to do something to start a conversation with a person whether it be just saying 'I like your shirt' or 'What book are you reading?' or just about anything to start chatting with someone, it really just depends on what their wearing, doing, etc. Don't worry about being embarrassed or being rejected, just be brave and try to start a conversation with someone. (I find it best though to start a conversation with someone who is alone rather than in a group, simply because it's easier and I've felt even more awkward or embarrassed around a large group of people rather than just one person, and it's easier to focus on what one person is doing rather than what a large group of people is doing.) Eventually build on it and start asking about their interests or talking about your interests, just so you get to know the other person better. Though I wouldn't try and say something like 'Hey do you want to be friends? Here's my phone number if you want to call or text me' The reason I say this is because I've seen people do this before and I'm not sure what it is but it just sounds like the person is really desperate for friends or attention, or that their trying to rush you into becoming friends with them. Don't try to rush people into becoming friends with you, just take it slow and they might eventually become good friends with you.


I know that there are a lot of replies to this already but it's sort of a topic I know a lot about so I thought I'd just give some advice, though it's more on just approaching people and talking to them but that obviously leads to most friendships being made I suppose. Anyway hope this helps!

 

[Archie]

Wall of text incoming, this is how i'm spending my night at the airport

Spoiler

I'm a salesman but I used to be super bad at making friends. There's 4 secrets I've learned along the way that I hope are going to help because not everyone has time to take it gradually or surround themselves only with people who are true to them.


The first is make people feel special, and I mean really special. I used to get a lot in high school that I only acted like I was really friends with people when I was drunk. Why? Because whenever I was drunk, I'd say the dumbest, sweetest thing to them. They knew I was clever and serious when I was sober and was just wasted in the moment, but they still felt special. We keep hearing things like "friends are honest to eachother". This is really cynical, but look around you. Do you see people with a lot of friends tell people the honest hurtful truth? Only with the people they're closest to, and be confident, you'll get there, but first you have to make people feel good. Be totally attentive of other people, listen to what they have to say, and admire anything good about them. Actually, admiration is the key thing: people love it when other people admire them. When I see a guy with a nice car I come up to him and tell him I really wish I'm where he is some day. Actually (this is gonna sound so arrogant), I don't, but he feels really good about it.


Sounds manipulative? It works, and it's not when you think about it. Imagine if you're that guy, we're hanging out, and your friend rolls out with a car that proves he's been lying to make you feel good. Do you hate him? No, you think he's a really nice person who wants to make you feel good.


I think the #1 problem with all the blogs about making connections and friends is they're too rational about it - it's all about feelings, and this gets into the second point, but it doesn't make sense.


The second is mess around. The less serious people think you take yourself, 1) the less people will get offended, 2) the less you'll think of yourself as having "failed" (you internalize not taking yourself or anyone else that seriously), 3) the less people will think they can mess with you (if you have people who want to do this), and 4) the more you're able to say. If your super stoic super smart friend comes up to you and says something objectively unfunny like "yo pokemon is bae", you think he/she's a try hard. If your friend who 'you know doesn't care says it, you just think he/she is messing around.


See the main theme I see with people who are trying to branch out is fear of failure, and it's not their fault because society teaches this horribly. Ever heard "want more friends? Stop being a try hard". Yeah, no, try hard, but with more options, and more tries, not with more effort in one try. When you roll dice, do you get more 6s when you try harder? No, but you get more 6s when you roll more. The same thing's with telling a joke, you don't know what offends people and what doesn't or what kind of person total strangers are: you haven't seen their experiences, so there's no such thing as a perfect conversation. What do comedians do? Even Louis CK gets no laughs on some jokes, but he doesn't make it awkward: he moves right on and rolls the dice again. If people are really offended by something, apologize to them later, but if there's more than 1 person in the room, turn your attention, find something else to talk about with that other person, and if that person's seething about what you said, bring them to the side, apologize, go back, repeat, but never apologize in public because then you admit it's awkward.


I mean look at how much the most successful leaders and businesspeople failed not just at something that doesn't have a set value like making friends, but at things that are important to whether they eat or starve, like going bankrupt. They get back up and go right into the next thing. This is one of the weirdest facts I've ever learned, but did you know amputees and paralyzed people are just as happy on average as trust fund babies? There's no loss you can't overcome. These people get back up and go into the next thing.


If you hear really popular people talk, are you admiring the substance, kindness, saintliness, and deep insight coming out of their mouths like all the blogs that talk about strong relationships and making friends say should be happening? Are they eloquent, charming, erudite, supportative, and knowledgeable about all topics of conversation?


We all know the answer's no, but what really social people do really well is they're nice and funny 10% of the time and they say 9 things that fall flat but 1 thing that gets people laughing. They never stop and never leave the party even when they feel like people hate them, and they keep going at it.


When you first try this, it'll be terrible. You'll say things that are so cringeworthy, but how do people get over that? By never thinking about it again, and by going right on to the next thing.


We all have this problem, and it's a gut feeling. Whenever you're about to do something and have doubts, you get butterflies. Even making a post, I used to wonder "will people judge me? will they hate me forever for speaking my mind"? When I was in high school there's no way I'd go on a potentially controversial rant like this. It's because our minds make everything worse than we think it is: when people make controversial posts, their subconscious goes on this wild train of thought that ends in "what if I'm banned!". What we should be thinking is "I don't care, because I'll make another post. And if someone shouts at me, I'll shout back and still won't care. And if we're both banned, I'll find a better community and post there, or spend that time getting a job or writing a book". Be creative here, there's always other options.


The third thing is: even if you don't have a ton of friends and an awesome life, pretend you do. People want admiration but only from people they respect a lot. This is going to sound awful, but another thing you notice about people with a lot of healthy relationships is they seem really awesome. Is there really nothing wrong about them? Nobody's perfect, but they all seem perfect more than everyone else, not because they lie, but because they don't complain and they always try to start a conversation and look on the bright side. The absolute most successful (and I don't recommend this for moral reasons, but it does work) openly lie about their success. All the top dogs in every company never won half the trophies they're posing with in the pictures on the wall. It's not so much a lie as misleading, because when you confront them about it, they explain it away, and they're not afraid of you thinking they're liars because they have a million other friends. When you're at a club, say hi to strangers, pretend you're best friends forever. They'll want to look good most of the time and play along, and everyone else will think all of you are the coolest ever and want to be friends with you.


Finally, never let it simmer, and this (just like overcoming failures) doesn't apply to just social relationships. If you have something to say, call it out immediately, because no attitude is more social bugspray than being salty. If you feel like someone mistreated you, come up to them and say it: don't be afraid of confrontation, even the really loud kind - in fact, get used to it. Most people think failure here or anywhere else is permanent, but really people get over their confrontations really fast, and it builds respect. People with a lot of friends talk behind eachothers backs and argue in public all the time. If you're one of the people who doesn't fire back, they don't respect you.

I get that this all sounds soooo irrational, but when you look around at the people with the most friends, they do all these things. And it doesn't make sense nor is it fair, because most of the people with a lot of close relationships aren't the best people, they just do a couple things differently.


Hope it helps, night.