Poetry How it ended

[MDL]

How it ended

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You are evil it self,


why won't you see?


Who will it be next time?


That's right! Me!


Like you murdered that young boy!


What was he to you?


A moving target?


Or just one of the unlucky few?


How you never feel bad?


And never shed a tear.


For the lives you end,


you are sick! Do you hear?


Inside the prison,


That is your soul.


I found the heart,


that is made of coal.


I used to believe,


you could be set free.


But now I remember,


now I see.


That you are lost,


in the dark halls of your mind.


You will never survive,


life again you won't find.


This was my first poem ever, I hope you liked it. Criticism is welcomed. Also remember that English is my second languages, so tell me if there are any typos/strange words.


I was inspired by charm010 to write this I suggest you visit her poetry thread!

 

[chiannehere]

To be honest, this poem moved me. For English being your second language, you executed this very well! There are some grammar errors, but nothing too major. I liked it! I'm glad I inspired you to write your own poem!

 

[MDL]

Thanks! If there are grammar errors, please point them out. We live to learn, you know?

 

[Doctor Calgori]

Didn't know you did poetry Medel :]


I like it. There are a few rhythmic oddities moving from lines to lines, where the beat kind of jumps, but otherwise it's a great start.

 

[MDL]

[QUOTE="Doctor Calgori]Didn't know you did poetry Medel :]
I like it. There are a few rhythmic oddities moving from lines to lines, where the beat kind of jumps, but otherwise it's a great start.

[/QUOTE]
It would be really great if you could point those out. Stating that they exist won't really help me

 

[Doctor Calgori]

Your poem began with the fourth line of each verse ending on a shorter line, which I liked because I feel it emphasizes those lines, which you tended to make significant which is good.


Like | you | mur | dered | that | young | boy! -- 7


What | was | he | to | you? -- 5


A | mov | ing | tar | get? -- 5


Or | just | one | of | the | un | luck | y | few? -- 9


Verse 2 was really the one I thought was odd. The third line comes off as abrupt, which works because of the content of the line - It makes 'moving target; sound angrier. But then the last line is a bit long which I feel diminishes the effect.


Again, this is just my uneducated opinion, I'm not a poetry major or anything. Hope it helps :]

 

[MDL]

[QUOTE="Doctor Calgori]Your poem began with the fourth line of each verse ending on a shorter line, which I liked because I feel it emphasizes those lines, which you tended to make significant which is good.
Like | you | mur | dered | that | young | boy! -- 7


What | was | he | to | you? -- 5


A | mov | ing | tar | get? -- 5


Or | just | one | of | the | un | luck | y | few? -- 9


Verse 2 was really the one I thought was odd. The third line comes off as abrupt, which works because of the content of the line - It makes 'moving target; sound angrier. But then the last line is a bit long which I feel diminishes the effect.


Again, this is just my uneducated opinion, I'm not a poetry major or anything. Hope it helps :]

[/QUOTE]
I agree with you, I will take all of this into consideration next time. Thanks.

 

[Ninva]

Here are the corrections you requested:

You are evil itself.
Why won't you see?


Who will it be next time?


That's right! Me!


Like you murdered that young boy!


What was he to you--


A moving target,


Or just one of the unlucky few?


How Do you never feel bad?


And never shed a tear


For the lives you end?


You are sick! Do you hear?


Inside the prison,


That is your soul.


I found the heart,


that is made of coal. Does this add anything to the poem?


I used to believe [that]


you could be set free.


But now I remember.


Now I see.


That you are lost --


in the dark halls of your mind.


You will never survive.


life again you won't find.

 

[MDL]

Here are the corrections you requested:

Thank you kind sir. But I don't understand the "[that]" part, do you mean I should add it?

 

[Ninva]

Thank you kind sir. But I don't understand the "[that]" part, do you mean I should add it?

Yes

 

[Silvana]

I love it!

 

[Daisie]

O, Thread Necromancer. Why must ye do this?

 

[Windsock]

This post is seven fucking years old, if he was an adult he probably has kinds of his own by now.