Advice/Help How does this plot sound?

[Lemonl]

There’s a Mother, and a Father, who both want their daughter to grow up to be the perfect child. They fill her head with lies from the day she could comprehend it. She’s told other humans are evil, and only want to corrupt her to turn her into a monster like them. The girl, for her whole life believes this logic, and is never allowed to go outside. She is homeschooled, and taught everything the way her parents want her to believe. For her whole life, she is forced to believe things completely made up by her parents, but she always believes them when they say their doing this for “her own good,” despite the clearly warped ideologies they forced upon their daughter.

One day, her parents both have to go on a business trip, or else they’ll lose their jobs. They tie their daughter up in the basement, blindfold her, leave her a bowl with water, lock the door, set the alarm, and leave. While their gone, a robber breaks in with the intent of stealing, when he comes across the basement, and unlocks the door, revealing the girl trapped inside, with out her even knowing what being trapped is. He helps her get free, and she is confused when she sees him for the first time. After taking her first look, her mind is blown at the fact that he’s not some horrible monster her parents had described every human to be. He explains to her the situation she’s in, and she, after lots of convincing, decides to leave with him, he goes out of his way, to show her the world she’s never experienced before.

The rest of the story would be about how this girl has adventures with the guy who saved her, and experiences our normal culture with the eyes of someone who has never known what lied outside her own home.

~=~ Please tell me your thoughts on this plot idea ~=~

 

[rae2nerdy]

I think the abuse is unnecessary as it is dealt with waaaaay too easily in this plot.

Someone who is isolated, emotionally and physically abused would most definately not trust some stranger who came into her house. She would think the man was a monster telling her lies to try to trick her.

 

[rae2nerdy]

That said a pair of parents who isolated their daughter from what they viewed as negative influences and grooming her to be their version of perfect would be totally doable without making them abusive monsters.

They could be ultra religious (you can make up your own religion) and feel the outside world was too full of sin and non believers to be trusted.

They could be snobby elitists that felt they were above petty humans and raised their daughter to feel the same

They could be people who believed the world was too violent and filled with bigotry and isolated their daughter to protect her innocence.

Heck they could be something similar to Amish or survivalists and just want their daughter to grow up self sufficient and way from modern temptations.

Perhaps the robber comes out and she is shocked to discover how normal he is and that the outside world isn’t as awful/lazy/sinful/whatever as she was taught.

Or maybe she just pulls a Rapunzel and wants to see the outside world for herself to make her own decisions.

 

[Lemonl]

I think the abuse is unnecessary as it is dealt with waaaaay too easily in this plot.

Someone who is isolated, emotionally and physically abused would most definately not trust some stranger who came into her house. She would think the man was a monster telling her lies to try to trick her.

Totally, like this is of course a changeable story, and I really like that element added. Within her isolation, the main protagonist wouldn’t trust a stranger, so maybe it’d be that he continually has to show her he’s isn’t the monster she thinks he is.

They could be ultra religious (you can make up your own religion) and feel the outside world was too full of sin and non believers to be trusted.

I also find this the most plausible of the reasons why she’d be isolated from society.

Great ideas, seriously!

 

[rae2nerdy]

Totally, like this is of course a changeable story, and I really like that element added. Within her isolation, the main protagonist wouldn’t trust a stranger, so maybe it’d be that he continually has to show her he’s isn’t the monster she thinks he is.

I also find this the most plausible of the reasons why she’d be isolated from society.

Great ideas, seriously!

Well the problem is that the abuse seems kind of tacked on. Like it’s a way to make her backstory seem more tragic when just isolating her alone would work.

As people from abusive families, especially who are abused from a young age, don’t view it the same was an objective bystander might.

In her mind her parents would be loving people who wanted the best for her. So if a stranger tried to take her away she would be terrified, the same way you would be terrified if someone kidnapped you from your home and tried to tell you your family were monsters.

Like she isn’t going to see things as abusive but just normal.

If you go the religious route it would be similar but at least she might be less scared and more dedicated to converting the robber to her way of thinking.

I mean it would sort of depend on the nature of the religion and what her parents told her about outsiders and their attitudes.

But it would be more of a ideological difference with her having to realize that her parents lied or at least kept things from her.

It would be interesting as you could play with her struggling with her faith but also not giving it up right away. Like trying to argue that things are the way her parents taught her because they wouldn’t lie or mislead her or whatever

 

[Lemonl]

Well the problem is that the abuse seems kind of tacked on. Like it’s a way to make her backstory seem more tragic when just isolating her alone would work.

As people from abusive families, especially who are abused from a young age, don’t view it the same was an objective bystander might.

In her mind her parents would be loving people who wanted the best for her. So if a stranger tried to take her away she would be terrified, the same way you would be terrified if someone kidnapped you from your home and tried to tell you your family were monsters.

Like she isn’t going to see things as abusive but just normal.

If you go the religious route it would be similar but at least she might be less scared and more dedicated to converting the robber to her way of thinking.

I mean it would sort of depend on the nature of the religion and what her parents told her about outsiders and their attitudes.

But it would be more of a ideological difference with her having to realize that her parents lied or at least kept things from her.

It would be interesting as you could play with her struggling with her faith but also not giving it up right away. Like trying to argue that things are the way her parents taught her because they wouldn’t lie or mislead her or whatever

Yeah, like I said, you’re giving really good feedback, and actually making the story even better than before. Now that I’m re-reading it, the abuse is really unnecessary, so I removed that.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Yeah, like I said, you’re giving really good feedback, and actually making the story even better than before. Now that I’m re-reading it, the abuse is really unnecessary, so I removed that.

No problem you had good bones just needed a little help fleshing them out.

I would say for the religion try to come up with commandments. If her parents are using it to control her they’ll have pretty strict rules

And while the religion might be made up it needs to follow some kind of internal logic.

Whether that’s just - they are super racist and using Made Up religion to justify it , they want to swindle people out of money and make up a religion for that (and groom daughter to take over later), maybe they just get off on enslaving their daughter and make up a religion to rationalize it and stop the police from getting involved.

Heck they could just plain believe they are in touch with a higher power they wants them to indoctrinate their kid, the motivation is up to you.

But starting with commandments will help.

What are the five-ten things Daughter can NEVER do, what is the punishment for disobeying (divine or real world punishment)

What are the things the religion promises it’s followers if they follow the commandments?

To use Christianity as a loose example you follow the rules you get into heaven.

But maybe in this religion you ascend to a higher plain, get rich, are granted three wishes, whatever. It doesn’t matter there just has to be some kind of reward that is given out for following the commandments.

 

[Lemonl]

No problem you had good bones just needed a little help fleshing them out.

I would say for the religion try to come up with commandments. If her parents are using it to control her they’ll have pretty strict rules

And while the religion might be made up it needs to follow some kind of internal knowledge.

Whether that’s just - they are super racist and using Made Up religion to justify it OR they legitimately believe they’re in touch with a higher power who will reward them for indoctrinating their daughter is up to you.

But starting with commandments will help.

What are the five-ten things Daughter can NEVER do, what is the punishment for disobeying (divine or real world punishment)

What are the things the religion promises it’s followers if they follow the commandments?

To use Christianity as a loose example you follow the rules you get into heaven.

But maybe in this religion you ascend to a higher plain, get rich, are granted three wishes, whatever. It doesn’t matter there just has to be some kind of reward that is given out for following the commandments.

That makes sense, since she would definetly have to feel her immediate core beliefs change in correspondence with plot points.

Possible commandment/belief, she believes humans at their core are evil and her parents are the only ones who aren’t actively trying to kill her.

How’s that?

 

[rae2nerdy]

That makes sense, since she would definetly have to feel her immediate core beliefs change in correspondence with plot points.

Possible commandment/belief, she believes humans at their core are evil and her parents are the only ones who aren’t actively trying to kill her.

How’s that?

Well that’s more of a delusion for commandments think more in terms of action plans.

Ex. I must not venture beyond our property less I be defiled by wicked nonbelievers who seek to steal my essence.

I must not question my parents for they have seen the light of Grog and shall guide me to enlightment

Technology is the weapon of the nonbelievers and is filled with hidden messages seeking to corrupt my soul.

If she follows these (and more) commandments she too can speak to Grog and be given earthly treasures beyond her wildest dreams.

If she breaks one commandment she is put in solitary confinement where she must beg Grogs forgiveness for her transactions.

Or maybe she is given X number of lashes with a whip while she recites come kind of Penance.

 

[hosaki]

Storywise this is an interesting premise. However, I wouldn't be very interested in role playing it based on the hook you've written. You have a good character base (I presume you'd be the one writing for the girl), but I feel that the whole of the plot would focus too much on healing the girl's trauma. The burglar's motivations would be hard to explain; I can't imagine events going down this way in a modern realistic setting.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Storywise this is an interesting premise. However, I wouldn't be very interested in role playing it based on the hook you've written. You have a good character base (I presume you'd be the one writing for the girl), but I feel that the whole of the plot would focus too much on healing the girl's trauma. The burglar's motivations would be hard to explain; I can't imagine events going down this way in a modern realistic setting.

That is a good point, hadn't thought about the burglar's motivation. I think maybe have the outsider be an investigator sent to find evidence of criminal activity (unrelated to the girl). They find the girl and feel she could be helpful in testifying against her parents. Or (if she's suitably young) they feel bad about the kid getting taken down when the parents are charged so they take her with them.

 

[Idea]

I see a lot of issues with this plot, even leaving aside the fact that it isn't just my cup of tea. I'll start with plot hole issues since those are more general things to deal with and then move on to those that really turn me off from this sort of plot.

One day, her parents both have to go on a business trip, or else they’ll lose their jobs. They tie their daughter up in the basement, blindfold her, leave her a bowl with water, lock the door, set the alarm, and leave.

This part seems to completely contradict the rest of the idea. Sure, they don't want her leaving, but in their own twisted way these parents want the best for their child. The idea that they would leave her in what is essentially torture, not to mention depending on how long it takes she could have among other things:
-permanent psychological damage
-permanent neurological damage (due to lack of nutrition and hydration, a bowl of water isn't exactly enough)
-death

And this is not to mention the "bowl of water", why would they treat their precious little girl like a dog?

He helps her get free

Why... isn't he trying to rob the house?

After taking her first look, her mind is blown at the fact that he’s not some horrible monster her parents had described every human to be

Within her isolation, the main protagonist wouldn’t trust a stranger, so maybe it’d be that he continually has to show her he’s isn’t the monster she thinks he is.

This leaves me a little confused, as they just don't go toegther. If she still finds them untrustworthy then you can hardly say that she finds a contradiction in the stranger's behavior and her parent's teachings, unless they told her that humans were actual literal monsters in which case I have to wonder what they told her that their family was.

He explains to her the situation she’s in

This doesn't make any sense. Even if we were to accept that this thief is a big enough idiot to take all that time chatting with some random girl he found tied up in a basement (even if it's out of human decency, it's still a pretty dumb move), how he possibly know her situation? This seems less like a random thief and more like a random stalker.



Logical issues aside, the plot as it is written does a very poor job of selling the plot. One thing I always tell people is that your interest check, and by extention any plot in it, is your pitch for the product that is your roleplay, and the currency is people's attention and time. hosaki already pointed this out but this plot is focused entirely on your character in the way it is written and that is just not very appealing, because there is no answer to the questions "why should I care?" and "what's in it for me?", unless you are just desperate to play a thief and even then it's not exactly an uncommon thing in say, pairings, so there's plenty of more flexible options out there which just carry a lot less baggage as well.

Second, a character being portrayed entirely as a victim, especially when that character is a player character, is a big red flag. The issue comes in two fronts: One is the Mary Sue characters that often come from such festivals of self-pity, and resulting plot-warping entitlement for recognition one hasn't earned. To perhaps put it more clearly, a common pattern for characters that are portrayed as constantly victimized is that the player then thinks that earns the character the right to be rude and stupid without consequence or to be deserving of pity, praise, respect and good treatment without having earned as much from all characters, or even worse "earning" those achievement through some distortion of the plot like metagaming or powergaming.
The second red flag issue is that there is no agency attached to the character. Everything about the character is passive- they are mistreated by their parents, have their view warped by parents, are saved by and convinced to by a thief... Beyond just gullible, the character never seems to do anything of their own vollition, and the impression that gives is that it will continue to be that way, that the character will be moving always in response to you and never pushing the plot on their own.

Now, it may be that your character and your style isn't actually like this. People's initial reaction isn't this developed either, it's more visceral "yes or no" without necessarily a "why". Still, this is the impression I get and that others probably do in some or another with your plot in the way you described it.


Lastly, there is the issue of the unclear endgame. Is this meant to be a romance? A story of curing the girl? What's the next step after the innitial premise?

Overall, the issues I have with the plot aside from logical inconsistency in some regards is just the fact that it seems, to use precise terminology and without wanting to imply any connotation, self-centered. The plot seems to almost forget the existance of the other person and their needs as roleplayers. All of which isn't to say you shouldn't use this plot though. I myself use all kinds of plots some of which are pretty self-centered. However, it is important to understand that those plots are worse and less appealing because of it, in other words, there is a much higher risk of failure by making a plot that way.


Anyways, I hope this was helpful. Best of luck and happy RPing!

PS: On a more subjective note, I also find these sorts of heavy handed modern plots to be pretty bland and uninteresting, but that is just my opinion and my tastes.

 

[Lemonl]

I see a lot of issues with this plot, even leaving aside the fact that it isn't just my cup of tea. I'll start with plot hole issues since those are more general things to deal with and then move on to those that really turn me off from this sort of plot.


This part seems to completely contradict the rest of the idea. Sure, they don't want her leaving, but in their own twisted way these parents want the best for their child. The idea that they would leave her in what is essentially torture, not to mention depending on how long it takes she could have among other things:
-permanent psychological damage
-permanent neurological damage (due to lack of nutrition and hydration, a bowl of water isn't exactly enough)
-death

And this is not to mention the "bowl of water", why would they treat their precious little girl like a dog?



Why... isn't he trying to rob the house?




This leaves me a little confused, as they just don't go toegther. If she still finds them untrustworthy then you can hardly say that she finds a contradiction in the stranger's behavior and her parent's teachings, unless they told her that humans were actual literal monsters in which case I have to wonder what they told her that their family was.


This doesn't make any sense. Even if we were to accept that this thief is a big enough idiot to take all that time chatting with some random girl he found tied up in a basement (even if it's out of human decency, it's still a pretty dumb move), how he possibly know her situation? This seems less like a random thief and more like a random stalker.



Logical issues aside, the plot as it is written does a very poor job of selling the plot. One thing I always tell people is that your interest check, and by extention any plot in it, is your pitch for the product that is your roleplay, and the currency is people's attention and time. hosaki already pointed this out but this plot is focused entirely on your character in the way it is written and that is just not very appealing, because there is no answer to the questions "why should I care?" and "what's in it for me?", unless you are just desperate to play a thief and even then it's not exactly an uncommon thing in say, pairings, so there's plenty of more flexible options out there which just carry a lot less baggage as well.

Second, a character being portrayed entirely as a victim, especially when that character is a player character, is a big red flag. The issue comes in two fronts: One is the Mary Sue characters that often come from such festivals of self-pity, and resulting plot-warping entitlement for recognition one hasn't earned. To perhaps put it more clearly, a common pattern for characters that are portrayed as constantly victimized is that the player then thinks that earns the character the right to be rude and stupid without consequence or to be deserving of pity, praise, respect and good treatment without having earned as much from all characters, or even worse "earning" those achievement through some distortion of the plot like metagaming or powergaming.
The second red flag issue is that there is no agency attached to the character. Everything about the character is passive- they are mistreated by their parents, have their view warped by parents, are saved by and convinced to by a thief... Beyond just gullible, the character never seems to do anything of their own vollition, and the impression that gives is that it will continue to be that way, that the character will be moving always in response to you and never pushing the plot on their own.

Now, it may be that your character and your style isn't actually like this. People's initial reaction isn't this developed either, it's more visceral "yes or no" without necessarily a "why". Still, this is the impression I get and that others probably do in some or another with your plot in the way you described it.


Lastly, there is the issue of the unclear endgame. Is this meant to be a romance? A story of curing the girl? What's the next step after the innitial premise?

Overall, the issues I have with the plot aside from logical inconsistency in some regards is just the fact that it seems, to use precise terminology and without wanting to imply any connotation, self-centered. The plot seems to almost forget the existance of the other person and their needs as roleplayers. All of which isn't to say you shouldn't use this plot though. I myself use all kinds of plots some of which are pretty self-centered. However, it is important to understand that those plots are worse and less appealing because of it, in other words, there is a much higher risk of failure by making a plot that way.


Anyways, I hope this was helpful. Best of luck and happy RPing!

PS: On a more subjective note, I also find these sorts of heavy handed modern plots to be pretty bland and uninteresting, but that is just my opinion and my tastes.

That is a good point, hadn't thought about the burglar's motivation. I think maybe have the outsider be an investigator sent to find evidence of criminal activity (unrelated to the girl). They find the girl and feel she could be helpful in testifying against her parents. Or (if she's suitably young) they feel bad about the kid getting taken down when the parents are charged so they take her with them.

Storywise this is an interesting premise. However, I wouldn't be very interested in role playing it based on the hook you've written. You have a good character base (I presume you'd be the one writing for the girl), but I feel that the whole of the plot would focus too much on healing the girl's trauma. The burglar's motivations would be hard to explain; I can't imagine events going down this way in a modern realistic setting.

Thanks you all for your thoughts and criticisms on this. I know it’s poorly thought and written out, but I’m trying to get better. I probably won’t reply to this again, since this was just something I wanted an opinion on from the community, and I didn’t think people would respond, but I truly thank you for your help to make this a better plot.

 

[Idea]

Thanks you all for your thoughts and criticisms on this. I know it’s poorly thought and written out, but I’m trying to get better. I probably won’t reply to this again, since this was just something I wanted an opinion on from the community, and I didn’t think people would respond, but I truly thank you for your help to make this a better plot.

But of course. It's nice of you to expose yourself to criticism like this, I believe it is a very healthy attitude to have (in moderation of course). Keep up the great work!

 

[Lemonl]

But of course. It's nice of you to expose yourself to criticism like this, I believe it is a very healthy attitude to have (in moderation of course). Keep up the great work!

Well, yeah. It should be common sense not to ignore good advice being handed to you.

 

[Idea]

Well, yeah. It should be common sense not to ignore good advice being handed to you.

Yeah, but you went beyond that and actually seeked it out. Hence my praise