Advice/Help Heart Broken - should I give up on a muse?

[LoisLane11]

Am I a complete douche bag?
Is it fair for me to be hurt, or am I just being lame?
Should I give up and just ditch this character and let my buddy have it?

Thank you for your time.
L. Lane

 

[Minako]

Ugh. Though I can't really relate to this anymore (though many, many years ago something similar happened to me where I had a friend who essentially stopped caring about me or RPing with me when another new friend came into the picture), I AM sorry you're feeling so negatively about all this.

I guess the best thing to try to do is take a step back, wait until you're in a more neutral/positive thinking space, and try to remember not to take it too personally.

RPing is supposed to be a fun hobby, maybe even relaxing a little, with a touch of escapism as well. The best RPs and partners will serve as inspiration to write better stories and characters as well. Naturally, because they were such good muses you are devastated by the "loss".

Keep in mind that while you may not be their preferred main partner anymore, if you're able to get past this, you DO still have them in your life. They ARE still in your life: willing to talk and write with you.

You really should tell them you feel, as you put it, they were only interested in it "after you made it cool". They may accept or deny the "accusation" but either way you should really NOT let that fester inside you. Take it from me. Word it politely and genuinely as possible... But you SHOULD WORD it and tell them is the point.

You're only human, and it's alright to get upset at "miniscule" things like that.

It's what you do with these feelings and realizations that count. It's best to get this out in the open as cordially as possible so it's not doomed to be internalized until you (possibly inevitably) explode and say things you'll truly regret afterwards.

Keep your chin up, and be as honest and polite as possible. If your worst fears are true, it's all the better you find out now before you wasted more of your time and energy on them, and if they're not they'll explain these feelings are unnecessary and have no basis.

Best of luck!

 

[smolfluffball]

I'm a bit confused by what exactly SL and LI mean - would you mind explaining what those are for me? ;;; I'm not familiar with those terms at all! :0

I do agree with what the person above me said, though. It's better to just talk it over with your partner, especially if you two are friends. Letting it linger in you until it becomes too much isn't healthy, and communication is key in any relationship.

I hope everything works out for you in the end though

 

[rae2nerdy]

I agree with the person above I definitely got confused by SL and LI.

I think also a good idea is to just take a break from the situation. Do something else for a day or two until you can get your emotions on a more even keel.

The tendency I think is to immediately bury or immediately react when you are upset. I find a better path to be taking a bit of a break. Walk away from the keyboard to try to get some perspective.

It’s fine to say your peace but at the same time you don’t want to say anything you might regret later because your upset in the moment.

 

[LoisLane11]

Oh! I am so sorry.

As for talking to them.. do I talk to both? I sort of did to one, and my buddy, we're close roleplaying partners but basically never talk out of character (ooc).

You guys are lovely. Thank you.

 

[Minako]

LoisLane11 Always happy and glad to help, even if it's not much!

I think it might be best to talk to both of them, so that neither feels you are "going behind their back" or "singling them out" or what have you.

It's good that you got those feelings all out mostly and in private, though if it's clearly still bothering you enough to seek out help you're going to have to find some key points of those "petty" words (as they are still your feelings) and try to get them across civilly. Unless you get it all out there, I suspect these feelings will remain.

It's perfectly natural to feel replaced or pointless in these situations, just try to remind yourself you AREN'T POINTLESS and if they want to replace you with each other then that's within their right, AND it's within your right to RP with others you click more with.

Sidenote: OOC chemistry is just as important as IC! If you hardly talk OOC then it's a good omen something like this might happen again. Always try to bond and make your partners your friends! Not only is it wonderful to make a new friend, BUT how could you replace anyone who you gush excitedly about when your ships finally come to fruition, or cry with when the character is going through trials and tribulations, or laugh with when they've had an especially triumphant moment?

Now, of course not every person you RP with will be gold... Either as a person or writer... I've had my fair share of people I wish I'd never met, trust me... But still! Never be afraid to make those connections! I promise you, you'll have a much more happier RP experience in the long run!

 

[rae2nerdy]

So I am still a little confused about the love interest part. I think it might just be because the way your roleplaying is very different than what I'm used to. If I understand correctly, you made a character specifically to roleplay with person A. The two of you have been roleplaying for awhile and now they are doing a different roleplay with person B? And your sad because you can't roleplay the character you made for person A anymore?

Am I getting this issue right?

So I'm not sure how familiar you are with roleplaying but as someone who has been doing this for years. A good character is going to outlast your partner every time. There is nothing to stop you from taking the character you like and writing a new story with someone else. Or heck there is nothing to stop you from writing multiple stories with multiple new people (provided that's what you want of course.)

Finding a good partner is always nice but as someone who has been doing this for over a decade I can tell you they aren't the thing that makes your characters interesting. A character is someone that YOU put effort into and that YOU love because of it. Most of the time regardless of what your partner says they aren't ever going to be as invested in your character as you are. And that's totally fine. It doesn't mean that your being replaced if they leave or that your character has to die because that storyline is over.

If it helps think of it like a chapter in the books. Chapter A was your character and person A's character having a relationship. But Chapter B will be your character finding a new relationship with someone else. It's actually perfectly realistic and might even make for a even more fun storyline for you to do with someone else. If you want to just sort of treat it as one long continuous storyline. You can look for someone to do a new romance after your character was dumped or whatever by their previous partner. It might even help you get out some of these feelings of abandonment in writing form too.

(I mean to be clear I definately think you should also talk to you friends. But since everyone else already gave you advice on that I thought I would focus more on how you can move forward with the character specifically)

 

[rae2nerdy]

So I am not sure I understand exactly what is going on. I think the problem is this is most definitely not how I'm familiar with groups being run. And you use a lot of really unfamiliar vocabulary. (I have no idea what a muse is. Verse I can at least pick up through context kinda).

But I can tell you just from your descriptions. I would dump this entire roleplay and avoid your friends like the plague. Partially because their being assholes. But also because Friend A seems creepily possessed with a fictional character and that would just skeeve me the fuck out. If they care so much about a fictional character and it's portrayal that they are willing to loose a friendship over it, you should be running the fuck away as fast as possible. That is not a good friend to be roleplaying with. I am gonna leave it up to you if you want to be friends in general. But I would most definitely leave the roleplay.

And if your feeling bummed this is a thousand percent an issue where (to paraphrase reddit) Friend A is the Asshole. And honestly people like that aren't worth getting angry or bummed out over. Think of it as a learning experience and an example of problematic behaviors to look out for going forward.

(cuz if I'm honest - the fact that they seem that into having a specific version of a romantic interest to roleplay against? GIANT RED FLAG.)

 

[LoisLane11]

Heh, it's funny you say that. It's exactly what I've been feeling. :/

Thank you once again, everyone. The advice has been so helpful.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Ah gotcha. Yeah in general if I am dealing with someone who treats writing a fictional story like dating I am noping the hell out of there so fast all you will see is a avatar shaped hole in the forum.

Because people like that have a hard time in general distinquishing between what is acceptable behavior IN A ROLEPLAY and what is acceptable behavior IN REAL LIFE (by which I mean interacting with the actual person playing the character).

Which I honestly think is the core problem here. Friend A for lack of a better word dumped you and replaced you with a new significant other. Which ya know is kind of a dick move in general. Not how you handle romantic relationships dude. But it's also bad because...that's not what roleplaying is anyway.

It's not about dating people through fictional characters. It is meant to be having a fun time co-writing a story with one another.

 

[LoisLane11]

Why are people like this for a hobby?

So I suppose I should just delete my character and run away from this screaming? Completely?

 

[rae2nerdy]

It's such toxic behavior. These two are shit friends. What I can't understand is WHY they are sitting here, insisting that they're "not replacing me". Like actively saying it. While their actions say the absolute opposite. Their actions show them completely replacing me.

Why are people like this for a hobby?

So I suppose I should just delete my character and run away from this screaming? Completely?

I mean it's your character so I would save the character but I would absolutely quit the roleplay and block the people. If they can't acknowledge what they did wrong than they aren't going to change and they aren't going to apologise. So for your own peace of mind it's better to just walk away.

 

[Hella Downweather]

I may be butting in, but from the outside it looks like a miscommunication problem and cutting bridges completely may not necessarily be the best course of action.

Let me play the devil's advocate for a bit here :

You have a side character, that Original Friend has been lusting for a bit, he probably didn't know you were attached to it and maybe he even though that playing this character was more a favor towards him than you really wanting to play it (that was the feeling I got from your first post). Then enters Active Friend. You write well, and you've brought to life a character in a light he never though of playing before, he is quickly having inspiration for the type. Talking to it with Original Friend, he learns you only played it as a favor/it's not your main character, oh! maybe you would be open to him taking over then!

You accept and everything is good! You are relieved from a character they believed you played half-heartily, Original Friend gets the LI they crave so much without feeling guilty to impose it on someone and Active Friend gets to play a character he really wanted too.

-End of their perspective

Now I do NOT know your friends. However from your post it seems you've been writing to them a lot over the years, and it seems unlikely that they did so to ostracize you. Personally I would be frank with them, write them something that show your feelings on the subject like :

"Hey guys! Truth is...I really liked side character. I know at first it was more to please you Original Friend, but as I wrote with you I really found myself falling in love with writing him. So when you guys asked me to switch...I felt bad. Like was my writing not enough? I didn't want to be selfish and not allow Active Friend to play what he wanted...but as time went on it felt really bad to not only loose the character, but I also felt like you were replacing me because I didn't write fast enough, or well enough. So...what were you guys thinking when asking the switch? Because right now I feel like the third wheel of your relationship, and I think no one deserves to feel that way. Also, to be honest I would rather have the character back. It feels weird to me not having finished what I wanted to do with him."

Then, depending on their answers you see if they are worth keeping or if you should flee from this situation.

 

[Franklin]

Around Christmas, my longtime LI writing partner (about 2.5 years) kept writing drabbles for a character they were in love with. I finally gave in and made the corresponding LI profile for them so we could roleplay. I ended up adoring the muse FAR MORE than I ever anticipated and the profile was sort of a 'gift'. They were beyond elated, wrote me all kinds of starters, etc and we've had a glorious multi-para/novella storyline going back and forth since then.

Recently, they got quite a few additional SLs on their account, which is fine, some of them LI, which is also fine and typical for our dynamic. (we've written together for a long time, and it's not uncommon)

One of my best friends picked up an SL with them, and their activity is much higher than my own, which is fine. It was a LI storyline with a different character. Also fine.

So this past week, I was messaged with "so and so (my buddy) was really feeling the muse for my character and since we've always had mirrors, doubles and multiple LI, I figured it wouldn't be an issue." I messaged them both in the mature, grown up way... like "oh yeah, totally, it's fine, I'm fine."

...Well I realize, I am not fine at all. I ended up messaging my writing partner and admitting that I felt replaced. Apparently my buddy REALLY wanted to make the profile but didn't want me to feel replaced. but, that's exactly what I feel. I feel completely pointless, completely replaced and logging into that profile brings me nothing but frustration. I'm so heartbroken and I can't even pinpoint why. We've had SLs with mirrors before and it's never bothered me before, so they were correct in speaking for me.

I'm devastated. I don't want to give up on an amazing SL with a dear friend, but I also just.. feel so hurt and angry over this whole thing. The character I took on has been vacant in the verse for years and I think part of my frustration is I brought popularity to this whole bit with my activity, and my buddy who has been in this part of the verse was another character for years and never made this profile, but as soon as I made it cool, they wanted it?

It just feels shitty, and I feel shitty for feeling this upset over the whole thing. Especially since I'm usually very business when it comes to SLs and the lot. This has been a strange, emotional roller coaster and I suppose the question I have is...

Am I a complete douche bag?
Is it fair for me to be hurt, or am I just being lame?
Should I give up and just ditch this character and let my buddy have it?

Thank you for your time.
L. Lane

No, your feelings are completely valid. I don't think you were being a douche bag at all. No, you are not being lame. No, I wouldn't ditch the character and let your buddy have it. In the realm of role playing things can get murky. You need to be clear cut about your emotions and state firmly you are not comfortable with it. It will really help clear the air. I've had this happen to me several times and this was like eight years ago. The sting never goes away. I just wish I said what I was feeling then and there. Even if it disgruntled or upset them. Because at least I'm not bottling. Feelings are extremely valid to the individual and shouldn't be smothered just for the sake of saving face. People like honesty better anyway.

Good luck! This sucks and every role player goes through it T_T

Added: Also don't let others saying you are immature or anything like that deter you. Your feelings are very valid and anyone who is passionate about their work will empathize with you ten fold. Including these friends if they respect you. There are millions of characters and story lines they can explore.

Also added: I fully support block and run. If you hold these feelings for years its time to find different role play friends. Perhaps keep a light friendship with them but I wouldn't role play with them again. Ever. I have several close friends I refuse to role play with because of similar incidents. It's a mood killer and some friends are not meant to role play with.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. BUT in my experience when you experience something shitty in the role play universe something really great is around the corner.

 

[Sweet Summer]

This seems really intense for an RP.

I don't understand why people have a hard time saying when they don't like something / don't want to do anything. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you gave them the okay to play said character and now you're mad about it. You're jealous that your friend is caught up in a story that's entertaining and fun to them that doesn't involve you? I'm not sure - the way you write has information going all over the place.

At this point though you're just becoming a bully to them - after giving them permission to use said character. I would say it would benefit everyone if you politely left instead of trying to hang around and pretend things are okay after you've repeatedly called them all sorts of names on the forums. Ditching the RP would be respectful towards them. I wouldn't want to deal with 'friends' who spoke about me the way that people are being spoken about in this thread.

 

[Tove]

This seems really intense for an RP.

I don't understand why people have a hard time saying when they don't like something / don't want to do anything. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you gave them the okay to play said character and now you're mad about it. You're jealous that your friend is caught up in a story that's entertaining and fun to them that doesn't involve you? I'm not sure - the way you write has information going all over the place.

At this point though you're just becoming a bully to them - after giving them permission to use said character. I would say it would benefit everyone if you politely left instead of trying to hang around and pretend things are okay after you've repeatedly called them all sorts of names on the forums. Ditching the RP would be respectful towards them. I wouldn't want to deal with 'friends' who spoke about me the way that people are being spoken about in this thread.

Before you are quick to judge, not everyone is able to just outright say when they don't like something/don't want to do anything. It's difficult given the circumstances. Some people make it very hard to openly talk to them and even then you don't want to say something you may regret later on.

I think saying the op is becoming a bully to them is a bit of a stretch. She is just sharing her feelings about a situation with friends, valid feelings in my opinion. We all have had less than ideal moments with roleplay partners, roleplays, friends, etc.

 

[Sweet Summer]

Before you are quick to judge, not everyone is able to just outright say when they don't like something/don't want to do anything. It's difficult given the circumstances. Some people make it very hard to openly talk to them and even then you don't want to say something you may regret later on.

I think saying the op is becoming a bully to them is a bit of a stretch. She is just sharing her feelings about a situation with friends, valid feelings in my opinion. We all have had less than ideal moments with roleplay partners, roleplays, friends, etc.

Not everyone is able to outright say it but OP is coming here and like, literally cursing them out and badmouthing these people over something they said yes to. OP is starting to bully them, just not to their faces yet. Unless they're doing subtle manipulation with the whole telling them they guess they're going to leave while the two friends grovel for them not to.

They have no problem coming to this forum to bad mouth them and get everything off their chest. Somehow I don't think they would have much of an issue discussing it over with the people actually involved. Again, I'll stand by what I said before. It's best for OP to just remove themselves from the situation like they're wanting to and like others are telling them to.

 

[Tove]

Not everyone is able to outright say it but OP is coming here and like, literally cursing them out and badmouthing these people over something they said yes to. OP is starting to bully them, just not to their faces yet. Unless they're doing subtle manipulation with the whole telling them they guess they're going to leave while the two friends grovel for them not to.

They have no problem coming to this forum to bad mouth them and get everything off their chest. Somehow I don't think they would have much of an issue discussing it over with the people actually involved. Again, I'll stand by what I said before. It's best for OP to just remove themselves from the situation like they're wanting to and like others are telling them to.

We must be reading two different things. Where in any of the op's messages did you see her literally cursing them out? She said they are shit friends but I wouldn't say that's cursing them out all over the place. There are far worse instances of people cursing each other out. You're acting like no one can't vent how they feel.

 

[Sweet Summer]

We must be reading two different things. Where in any of the op's messages did you see her literally cursing them out? She said they are shit friends but I wouldn't say that's cursing them out all over the place. There are far worse instances of people cursing each other out. You're acting like no one can't vent how they feel.

I would have assumed you would have known by cursing them out I mean calling them shit friends, assholes, etc. Don't ever think I mentioned cursing them out "all over the place" as you brought up.

They can vent how they feel. We are clearly not going to agree on this subject though and that's perfectly fine, no ill will. But I think the OP is being a little dramatic and rude in how they're handling this situation that they gave permission to because it sounds like it's stemming from jealousy. Plus it sounds like OP has already made their decision so bygones be bygones. c:

 

[Kieran Renard]

Sweet Summer We are all entitled to our own opinions. But I think it's a little harsh and unfair to say the OP is being a bully. She made this thread to be able to safely vent her frustrations not to be accused of bullying her friends or some of the things you said. The way you word your responses could actually be interpreted as bullying as well.



LoisLane11

I can't say I've been in the situation you're in but I can say with 100% honesty that is ok to feel the way you do. You spent time creating this character getting to know them believing in them when they don't believe in themselves.

A few years back I was on a Bleach fandom site and a close friend who happened to be the head admin approached me to play a character that one of her friends made but due to his military career or something he couldn't play the part so she begged me to take over for him and being the guy I am I did. We played together for a while and then out of nowhere the original guy comes back and I'm asked to stop playing the character. I was okay with it because I was never convinced that he was mine. But I did feel some of the feelings you feel. Anger, betrayal, etc.

Minako said it best take a step back for a while until you're in a better place and talk to your friend and be honest with yourself as well as them. Writing is a solitary thing but when you're roleplaying and collaborating with others you are opening yourself to people and doing so you're feelings can get hurt.

Anywho keep your head up and keep moving forward!

 

[LoisLane11]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to.

Thank you Franklin for the kind words and the timely advice. It's been extremely frustrating and just today I opted to quietly put the character on hiatus to just step away and ignore all the ugly feelings that it brings. So, for now I'm stepping away completely and may not ever come back to it. I need to come to terms with that.

Sweet Summer I understand you were trying to be helpful, but please do not call me a bully. In many instances in this, I have been gaslit by my friends. It was laid out in the following manner. the roleplayer in question came to me and said "Hey, our other friend is vibing to start writing your character, and since we've written with mirrors before, I told them it would be totally cool." So, I was put into a situation where basically I was doomed to fail unless I actually did agree. So I was like... "sure whatever." I write a mirror of the other person's character in an extremely lowkey fashion, for a specific roleplayer who that person refused a storyline with, however, before I did so, I reached out directly to them and asked them if they were ok with it. They said, Yes I am, because I'm not active and don't have time to write that storyline with that person. When it came time for them to do so with me, I heard it second hand and that's not ok. That's not fair. So, please, before you assume I'm a bully, for "taking it back" or whatever you think, give me the benefit of the doubt.

K Kieran Renard ugh. I think a variety of situation can instill such feelings. Honestly, I find the betrayal to be so harmful. It just mars the spirit of writing and kills the fun. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you had that experience.

Overall, I think it might be time for me to step away from writing. I find myself getting my feelings hurt too often and not garnering enough joy. Sometimes hobbies fade, I guess.

You folks and your insight has been truly wonderful and so helpful.

 

[LoisLane11]

I would have assumed you would have known by cursing them out I mean calling them shit friends, assholes, etc. Don't ever think I mentioned cursing them out "all over the place" as you brought up.

They can vent how they feel. We are clearly not going to agree on this subject though and that's perfectly fine, no ill will. But I think the OP is being a little dramatic and rude in how they're handling this situation that they gave permission to because it sounds like it's stemming from jealousy. Plus it sounds like OP has already made their decision so bygones be bygones. c:

Considering you don't know me, you make a lot of assumptions. Seeking council and advice is what normal functioning adults do when they're frustrated to ensure that they don't fly off the handle at unsuspecting people.

I could assume all kinds of things about you given the evidence you've provided from your unnecessarily harsh and crude behavior.

As for rude, I see you being extremely rude, coming on here, judging me so harshly when I came to ask for how to deal with a delicate situation without destroying friendships and you call me a bully? Perhaps you should stay away from offering advice, because it seems to me that you have an agenda here.

Good luck to you.

 

[Crayons]

What is "writing with mirrors"?

 

[Franklin]

Considering you don't know me, you make a lot of assumptions. Seeking council and advice is what normal functioning adults do when they're frustrated to ensure that they don't fly off the proverbial handle at unsuspecting people.

I could assume all kinds of things about you given the evidence you've provided from your unnecessarily harsh and crude behavior.

As for rude, I see you being extremely rude, coming on here, judging me so harshly when I came to ask for how to deal with a delicate situation without destroying friendships and you call me a bully? Perhaps you should stay away from offering advice, because it seems to me that you have an agenda here.

My friends are being shit friends. Calling a spade a spade in such a mild form isn't bullying. I hope your life is so blessed that such a term is the worst bullying you've ever endured. My "friends" have been gaslighting me to stay, all the while making and breaking promises. Hence why I came to a third party to discuss.

Good luck to you.

You go girl! ( Lurking this person's history (summer) it's a pretty standard in their diet to complain about others and comment on things they don't understand. So take it with a grain of salt but that was * kiss face* magnifico)


Just put this behind you. You'll find positive experiences out of negative ones. I've been right where you are. Thanks for the response to my last post. =) It's hard but stepping away will make your heart lighter.

 

[rae2nerdy]

What is "writing with mirrors"?

So not the OP but my understanding of the situation is they are all writing either canons or pre-made characters.

So to use an example I’m familiar with -

OP was asked to play Harry Potter for Friend A’s Draco Malfoy.

From that understanding (which might be incorrect) I believe mirroring is Friend B also playing one of the two canons for a different roleplay. In this case I believe it’s Friend A and Friend B making a separate roleplay where they also do a Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy romance roleplay.

But admittedly that’s me piecing together context clues. I’m actually starting to get curious where OP is roleplaying. Cuz they have all sorts of new vocabulary and such a different way of roleplaying than what I’m used to.

PS: To help Crayons out LoisLane11 how close did I get?