Journal had to say goodbye to my dog this morning

[bad wolf]

Spoiler: general tw for dog euthanasia experience

we knew it was time. he wasn't eating, he dropped a ton of weight, he was hurting and going on the floor inside two-three times a day(something he never did before, not even once).

we knew it was time but he was just so responsive this morning. he's been sleeping all the time but I brought him out this morning and he was actually prancing a little. he sat in the grass and explored. his little ears were perked up. dad was getting the car ready and he wanted so badly to go for a ride. he had all this trust in us. he didn't even know.

as we brought him into the vet he stared barking. his shrill, high-pitched bark he gets when nervous and he sees people he doesn't know. he's not social. we should have worked on that when he was a young pup but we were also shut aways. he was around us and he loved us and that seemed okay for the moment.

he barked and we brought him into the room and he was trembling. a scared sort of tremble. i'd never seen him like that. he was whining and shaking and we all tried to tell him it was okay. that he was a good boy but we were also crying and i know. i really know that didn't put him at ease.

we've been crying all day. my dad who never cries bawled at one point. i'm still crying now. my mom went to bed crying. and i'm still up like always but this time i don't have any company around. my little man isn't asleep on the couch or in the same room as me. i won't pet him goodnight. give him a little kiss between the eyes and rub his ears before going to bed. i'm sitting here alone. with his blankets all around me writing this and it fucking sucks.

he was so scared. and that's all i can think about and it's killing me.

 

[bad wolf]

i want my boy. i want something i can hold. this sweet little man did his absolute best and he was an asshole to everyone else but he adored his family. he might growl sometimes and snap at you if you didn't pay attention to his boundaries but you couldn't blame him for that. it was his way of telling us when he needed to be left alone.

but when you could hold him. when he chose you to sit by or allowed you to pick him up. he'd sit hard against you and lay his head against your chest. and you felt like the most important thing in the world just then.

 

[bad wolf]

when you fed him bits of food, he'd sometimes lunge for it when he got excited. but if you told him easy or he was relatively calm, he'd take it from your hands so gentle like. he might get your fingers a little but he knew it and he wouldn't apply pressure and he'd just kind of wait till you let go of the food. it was the sweetest thing. he was so gentle.

i'd sit on the floor sometimes with my feet out and i'd wave both my hands toward me. i'd look at him and he'd slowly walk on over and sit between my legs. i'd lift him up into my lap a little and cradle him and he'd fall asleep right there.

he barked at everything. leaves. ducks. chipmucks. but for whatever reason, whenever deer crossed our backyard, he never did.

on the occasional car ride, he'd stick his head outside and bark at any of the buggies we passed. this fleeting little thing. he'd see it for a split second, bark, and carry on enjoying his ride.

he legit bocked like a chicken sometimes. this crisp, one-syllable bark that sounded just like a chicken.

the family would get him new toys and he'd always go back to his old ones. he had a brand new fox toy out in the living room. brand spankin' new and he went back to his lambs head that had long since had at the stuffing removed from it... he had several toys like that. his lamb, the head off a bear, the paw from a tiger. these were toys he'd had as a pup and they were in pieces but they were also his absolute favorite so of course we couldn't get rid of them. mom tried throwing away a bunny because the stuffing had been removed and it was in tatters and me and my sister freaked b/c he always played with that one.

 

[bad wolf]

he was scared of his own farts.

whenever we gave him a bath, he'd run around and rub up against the furniture, coats, people's legs. he'd bury his head in his blanket. he'd want to go outside and we learned pretty quick that that was just so he could roll around in the grass and get dirty again. he was a wild guy after a bath. pure insanity. he'd also act like he hated you while taking the bath but always thanked you for it later. he'd look so goddamn pitiful in the tub and the next be shaking himself off and running about like a crazy little rabbit.

 

[bad wolf]

he ate grass like a goat. we'd legit have to stand there and watch him so that he didn't eat too much.

 

[bad wolf]

i suppose we should be happy. the life span of a miniature schnauzer is roughly 15 years. he lived to fourteen. he was a happy boy. we might not have been able to give him a traditional schnauzer haircut. he couldn't sit still for it and would bite pretty hard. that was one of the boundaries we tried fighting with him for b/c he genuinely needed good grooming. but he'd get so scruffy. he looked more like a small sheep dog some times.

when we first got bandit my paw paw cut a piece of freshly baked pumpkin pie for him. bandit was so shy he wouldn't even touch it so paw paw got down on the floor and tried feeding it to him. i think bandit's only regret in life may have been not eating that pie.

his first meal was in my lap. he was so nervous that he wouldn't eat so i held him and fed him kibble out of my hand till he got up and started eating on his own.

 

[bad wolf]

but that's it. that's all. thank you guys for listening. i'm sorry for spamming.

love you baby boy. good night.