Journal Giving up on your dream

[Venom Adhamm]

I'm sitting in a dark room. It's the darkest room I've ever been in. Pitch black. I don't notice when I'm blinking, because I see the same thing whether my eyes are opened or closed. And this dark room is where I've finally, truly given up on my dream.

A defining part of a human is its ability to look towards the future and start conjuring up hopes and dreams. Most people have many, ranging from small to large, from long-term goals to things they'll accomplish this week. But I've only ever had one goal, one dream, one thing I've cared about. I've only ever wanted a girlfriend, nothing more. I've only wanted someone to hold me and hug me, nothing more. I've only wanted to feel like I'm a human, too.

It's been five years. For five years, I've tried to get a girlfriend. I've been rejected by girls on both sides of the planet, all in-person. I've only ever known failure and rejection. I think, if a God exists, they had very specific instructions as to how to make me.

"You see that fetus? I want you to wire its brain to only desire female contact and love. Now, give it a bunch of qualities to make this impossible. Oh, and make sure it survives the abortion too."

How awful. Well, I know that isn't true. I don't think anyone, cosmic godlike entity or not, is out to get me. Sometimes, people just lose from the moment they're born. It isn't fair at all, and it's the most absurd thing ever. And it's just life. I was hoping I could be in control. I thought maybe, if I just worked hard enough and never stopped, I'd be rewarded. I thought I'd get to succeed at least once for all my hard work. I've done everything I could, and I'm still a failure. How awful.

It's in this dark room that I gave up. Do you know what it means to give up on the only thing you've ever wanted? I don't think most people ever experience that, and for those that do, it's always different. There was a single, coherent thought in my mind that grew louder and louder, until it was the only thought.

"I will never get a girlfriend and I will die alone."

Not once in my life have I heard something that had such an absolute and truthful quality to it. And, it was at that moment, when that thought became the loudest, that I broke. Something inside me just stopped working. I've had that exact thought before and always cried when it came to my mind. But now, with its utter truth, I couldn't cry at all. I just accepted it. With my acceptance came the feeling of nothingness.

I can't describe what nothingness feels like. It just is. The only clear quality I can attribute to it is that it isn't a positive feeling. It's a bit suffocating. It's the feeling of waking up morning, every morning, having nothing to look forward to, but not having the emotional intensity to just end it.

It's a hopeless feeling. Utter hopelessness. There really is no way out. No one is ever going to want me, and no matter what else I try to do, I'll still feel nothing.

I used to always carry a small scrap of hope with me. Hope that one day, out of the billions of girls on the planet, at least one would be able to love me. Now I don't even have that. The days are all blending and bleeding together, I've already lost track of all time.

I know, for the rest of my life, I'll always want a girlfriend. I'll always want someone to make me feel like I'm not some fucking animal. I'll always want, but I'll never be able to have hope. I'm tired.

 

[Rock And Roll Boy]

I used to be like that; wanting a girl round my arm. But I just lost interest after a while. Don't spend your whole life trying to force something that happens naturally. It took me over four years after I went to high school for me to get a girlfriend and we broke up within a few months. Because we kinda forced each other into it.

Don't force yourself to get a girl, just wait. Do everything else in life, you're so young and can do anything.

 

[Strawberry Ink]

Human beings crave companionship. The Bible even says from the very first chapters, "it is not good that man should be alone." So, it's totally understandable that you'd want a girlfriend. That said...

Get a real dream. A relationship with a person isn't what TV makes it out to seem. It's hard work to maintain. To put it on a pedestal and obsess over it is not healthy! You want a girlfriend? Work out, look for a career path that interests you, get a hobby and don't dwell on getting a girlfriend. You'll end up meeting a girl somewhere down the line but if you're hopelessly seeking out just anybody to love you... That's not how it works. A lot of bad relationships start on the premise of "I just want somebody to love me" but I rarely see those take off because a real relationship should be based off of friendship and selfless commitment.

Let me just tell you up front that God loves you, your family and friends love you. You're not going to die alone. Focus your energy on self improvement instead of a girlfriend and one day she'll show up in your life. I didn't meet my husband until a couple of years after high school and we became friends first. Neither of us were even looking for anybody at the time for different reasons, but we ended up having an attraction and went for it. It'll happen to you some day too, stop worrying.

If I sounded harsh, it's only because I've known some guys in your shoes and a lot of the time the reason they don't have a girl is because they're not actually ready for one. They're immature and try too hard when, I think, the best way to go about these things is not to make it your top priority. You can't control other people. You can't predict when you'll get a girl or who it will be. All you can do is work on yourself, improve and be available. That's it.

 

[Venom Adhamm]

Focus your energy on self improvement

I don't have any energy left. But I promise you, I did try. I am one of the most introverted and shyest people you will ever meet. But I pushed past my boundaries, more than anyone else would ever dare to do. I joined a play and a musical, I took any speaking roles I could. Right now, I'm working in the police force, and I'm currently the designated MC for any police events being held because my senior officers think my speaking ability is amazing.

I think that's what frustrates me the most about ever opening up to anyone. They always say basically what you've said: "Just improve yourself, just get out of your comfort zone." But they say that without knowing a thing about me. I've already done it all. I've already pushed Sisyphus' Boulder as far as it will go. I can't do it anymore. When I said "I'm tired," I really did mean it. I don't have the energy to keep improving myself, while still being forced to see countless people every day with the one thing I wish I had. Maybe some people can cope like that, but I couldn't. That's why I just ended up burning out and turning into some barely-human, nigh-unfeeling animal. Thank you for trying though.

 

[Rock And Roll Boy]

I don't have any energy left. But I promise you, I did try. I am one of the most introverted and shyest people you will ever meet. But I pushed past my boundaries, more than anyone else would ever dare to do. I joined a play and a musical, I took any speaking roles I could. Right now, I'm working in the police force, and I'm currently the designated MC for any police events being held because my senior officers think my speaking ability is amazing.

I think that's what frustrates me the most about ever opening up to anyone. They always say basically what you've said: "Just improve yourself, just get out of your comfort zone." But they say that without knowing a thing about me. I've already done it all. I've already pushed Sisyphus' Boulder as far as it will go. I can't do it anymore. When I said "I'm tired," I really did mean it. I don't have the energy to keep improving myself, while still being forced to see countless people every day with the one thing I wish I had. Maybe some people can cope like that, but I couldn't. That's why I just ended up burning out and turning into some barely-human, nigh-unfeeling animal. Thank you for trying though.

Puddin', if you give up then how will you be able to get a girl? Use your way of words, talk to a girl at a bar and work your magic.

 

[Strawberry Ink]

I don't have any energy left. But I promise you, I did try. I am one of the most introverted and shyest people you will ever meet. But I pushed past my boundaries, more than anyone else would ever dare to do. I joined a play and a musical, I took any speaking roles I could. Right now, I'm working in the police force, and I'm currently the designated MC for any police events being held because my senior officers think my speaking ability is amazing.

I think that's what frustrates me the most about ever opening up to anyone. They always say basically what you've said: "Just improve yourself, just get out of your comfort zone." But they say that without knowing a thing about me. I've already done it all. I've already pushed Sisyphus' Boulder as far as it will go. I can't do it anymore. When I said "I'm tired," I really did mean it. I don't have the energy to keep improving myself, while still being forced to see countless people every day with the one thing I wish I had. Maybe some people can cope like that, but I couldn't. That's why I just ended up burning out and turning into some barely-human, nigh-unfeeling animal. Thank you for trying though.

You didn't exactly share that info starting out though, y'know? How is anyone supposed to guess your accomplishments? But I am glad that you have done so much for yourself. That's a great start and I hope you don't give up on it. My only other advice is to get a pet or something if you feel so desperately lonely. Like I said before, the more you focus on the thought that you NEED a girlfriend to be happy and feel loved, the worst it will be for you. There's a saying my family has that basically goes, "the water only boils when you're not watching it."

 

[Mcbabe05]

I feel like this most of the time.

 

[Soulless]

Companionship is something that humans naturally yearn for. It's an instinct that can be traced back till our early primate ancestors. Nowadays, I feel like the media portrays romantic relationships very unrealistically as if we need them in our lives. To be honest, I feel that the best way to feel that same type of love and significance in another individual's life would be to adopt a dog. I don't really have any friends I hang out with. The one's I talk with are usually just to survivee through school. However, I always look forward to seeing my dog's face light up when I come home. I cook meals for both of us and we look after each other. When I'm sick, she curls up beside me watches over me. We both provide each other comfort. In the future, I would enjoy being loved by another person but now in the present, just feeling a signicance in another being's life makes me feel at ease. I do take medication for depression but just having a furry friend there for me to wrap my arms around makes life feel a lot more "real" in a sense.