Jewel
spirited
This is my poetry thread. Would love it if someone would give me critiques/pointers. Advice is always welcomed. Please no hate.
Girl I Know Poems
Jewel
spirited
Title: Girl I know
Her eyeballs are round like orbs
She licks icing from a cake
Delicious sweets she absorbs
She is as thin as a rake
She has approximately ten toes
She really likes climbing trees
She has acne on her nose
Her nails are yellow like bees
She has ten million friends
On her MySpace account
She wears many rings with gems
And slides them off, trout
I would estimate that she
Has never seen snow before
She swims like a mermaid in the sea
And dishes are her favorite chore
She collects dead mice as pets
And dresses them up in bows
Catches lots of fish in nets
Has approximately ten toes
Her eyeballs are round like orbs
She licks icing from a cake
Delicious sweets she absorbs
She is as thin as a rake
She has approximately ten toes
She really likes climbing trees
She has acne on her nose
Her nails are yellow like bees
She has ten million friends
On her MySpace account
She wears many rings with gems
And slides them off, trout
I would estimate that she
Has never seen snow before
She swims like a mermaid in the sea
And dishes are her favorite chore
She collects dead mice as pets
And dresses them up in bows
Catches lots of fish in nets
Has approximately ten toes
Error 420
One Thousand Club
I like this poem, but I feel like it might benefit from being a little less clear. I like to use a "house" metaphor for stanza poetry -- stanza roughly translates as "room", and a stanza poem is like a guided tour of a house. Each stanza is a room with its own story and the movement between rooms is what forms the story of the poem. Each room has its own details and its own secrets, which may or may not be revealed or obscured by the details of the next room.
What I get from this poem is a series of rooms which are all structured and put together, but are factual. I can make out all of the details of the room, and they're presented as sure facts. I don't dislike the use of factual imagery over emotional imagery (in fact, I feel like it's one of the strongest aspects of this poem) but when I lay out every detail as a declarative fact, there may be omission but the omission doesn't seem important. There's no drive for my reader to explore what those details create together or what might be omitted.
If you take that same description and add just a little mystery -- an unexplored emotion, a question for the reader, a contradiction -- the reader is made to examine the room a little closer and (most importantly to my opinions on art) start to fill in the room with their own ideas.
If I were to have written the poem which you have posted here, I would add just one little mystery to each stanza. As the reader is driven to explore these little mysteries, they might be drawn to explore the bigger mysteries of the total poem as well.
Great poem, though, and a really worthwhile exploration of the subject.
What I get from this poem is a series of rooms which are all structured and put together, but are factual. I can make out all of the details of the room, and they're presented as sure facts. I don't dislike the use of factual imagery over emotional imagery (in fact, I feel like it's one of the strongest aspects of this poem) but when I lay out every detail as a declarative fact, there may be omission but the omission doesn't seem important. There's no drive for my reader to explore what those details create together or what might be omitted.
If you take that same description and add just a little mystery -- an unexplored emotion, a question for the reader, a contradiction -- the reader is made to examine the room a little closer and (most importantly to my opinions on art) start to fill in the room with their own ideas.
If I were to have written the poem which you have posted here, I would add just one little mystery to each stanza. As the reader is driven to explore these little mysteries, they might be drawn to explore the bigger mysteries of the total poem as well.
Great poem, though, and a really worthwhile exploration of the subject.
WikTheCandelion
A candle that does roleplays.
This is amazing.
