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Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns

Feedback and General Discussion


  • Hello and welcome to this thread! This is the feedback and general discussion thread for two of my writing threads on the website. All feedback on those stories and poems are much appreciated, so please feel free to post your thoughts here.


    The Shadow Moon Collective

    A hub for some of my short stories and notes, or occasionally odd bits and pieces of poetry. Contrary to its dark seeming approach, it will hold some cute and friendly stories too. I just like darker seeming things, and maybe a little bit of cryptic scavenger hunts/feels. Check it out here.
    the words from the wolf


    This is my main poetry thread here on this site. Its where I share some of my poetry, which are most definitely on the sadder/depressing side. Sometimes I share some of my poems that I've written and posted to other websites, too. Like Wattpad, Allpoetry, and Facebook. Check them poems out here.

 
Archived Feedback

Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns
Some archived feedback and discussion from the poetry thread:

As someone who enjoys reading, writing, and some Nintendo video games as well (I am slightly more old-school) it is nice to meet a fellow who has commonalities. Hello and welcome to the site! I hope you will have a pleasant stay and enjoy it here, whether you write in prose or verse. I am interested in seeing your poetry and look forward to your first showcasing of it. =)

Hello and thank you so much! I've grown up with Nintendo since I was probably 8 or 9 years old, so it's basically my lifeline as a gamer? I'm also just more drawn to Nintendo games because they always felt and looked more colorful to me. I got lots and lots of material to work with, so I hope you enjoy what I have to offer. I'm debating whether or not I should write an entirely original collection specifically for this thread, or sprinkle in some old ones too. I'll probably update the thread a few times as I decide!

You're very welcome, and that's great! Nintendo games have a vibrance few others can match. I especially love some of the indie games supported. I greatly look forward to seeing your material. I am a sucker for poetry and would love whatever you can provide, I am sure.

Very nice work on this poem! I adore the imagery of shattered and fragmented things, but cannot quite piece together what is meant. Energy fragmented by the nightly queen. Darkness? Broken pieces beneath the rising sun. Light? Waves? It does offer something to think about, which is wonderful for a poem, though I feel as if I am missing something. What was shattered in the third stanza?

Overall, however, I am quite impressed just with little things here and there that come to mind afterwards of which I am more curious than anything else. Looking good! I look forward to whatever else you have to reveal! =D

You're absolutely right. I wrote it on my phone and didn't really think much about how it was structured. If you're wondering whats broken it is the moon. Being fragmented, or shattered into a bunch of smaller pieces. The moon holds its form pretty well, but if you look closely, you notice that it just isn't quite right.

Your questions are wonderful and I appreciate your feedback loads, when I have time ill come back to make some edits and revisions, which will hopefully make it a little more clear. Just a little though, because its not fun if you don't have to think about it :3

I am glad to hear that my commentary has helped! I would hate to change the structure, but I think clarity would definitely help the flow somewhat.

Definitely!

I went ahead and revised the poem a little bit, hopefully it works a little better this time :3

The shift looks great, in my opinion. Nice work! This inspires me to write poetry as well, not going to lie, and that cannot be said about just any poem.

Thank you so much, and that's wonderful. It'll be awesome to see what you come with. I'm always glad and grateful to see people inspired 💕

I feel a closeness to this latest poem. The whole "be yourself" thing that people force down one's throat is challenging when you learn how to be who you are from the people you are closest to, be it parents, friends, siblings, or otherwise loved ones. Nice work on this one; I have nothing to critique!

Right! It's sort of exhausting. Thank you for your continued feedback, by the way. I'm thinking about making a separate thread for feedback though, so that this one can stay clean for easy viewing. Would that be okay with you Thanny Thanny ?

Also made a new thread which will feature some short stories and what if scenarios from my brain storming sessions for my WIP novel. Cool beans? Cool beans!

Hey there! You are very welcome. I am always happy to help if able.

While I think the index is good for this reason (if you click on the index button beneath poems you can see all of the poems in order), this is a fine idea too and definitely keeps things orderly, though I fear you might receive less feedback as a result of two separate threads. I do not mind your or my deleting my posts here too, and shall check out your other thread too. Thank you!

I can definitely see how having multiple threads may decrease the chances of receiving feedback. But I also think that those who truly want to share their thoughts will. I'll probably just archive your thoughts and feedback onto the new thread, that way it doesn't have to be gone permanently ^^
 

Thanny

The Destined Undestined
Feedback time? Feedback time. FEEDBACK TIME!

Life Shop:

This one really rings with me, and sadly I fear a lot of people feed into the irritating cycle of soul-crushing destruction that users can provide. I have not been in one's presence for long, but I can relate to the pain one feels in being trapped in a "friendly" relationship with someone who treats you like garbage. It is difficult to come back from, but talking helps. Nice work on this one. I cannot think of much left for improvement save for the second verse on the first stanza which has no capitalisation on the first word and the third verse of the same stanza which has two periods. Again, nice work.

Reflection:

Work/life balance and strictly life balance can be difficult, and one can only have so much time to dedicate to everything. I feel similar half the time, wondering if I should re-initiate contact with old friends, and yet fully knowing that I do not have the time to engage in friendly conversation for more than fifteen minutes. The last line saddens me, though, to great effect. The unfortunate individual is doubtful of their self and what to do. I share this at times.

Untitled (about memories):

I like the imagery provided here and never thought about memories being like skipping stones, gaining distance and settling down or staying afloat. Very interesting! Nice work on this one.


Overall, fantastic job and I look forward to seeing more! I love seeing the world through your artist's perspective. Keep up the good work!
 

Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns
Feedback time? Feedback time. FEEDBACK TIME!

Life Shop:

This one really rings with me, and sadly I fear a lot of people feed into the irritating cycle of soul-crushing destruction that users can provide. I have not been in one's presence for long, but I can relate to the pain one feels in being trapped in a "friendly" relationship with someone who treats you like garbage. It is difficult to come back from, but talking helps. Nice work on this one. I cannot think of much left for improvement save for the second verse on the first stanza which has no capitalisation on the first word and the third verse of the same stanza which has two periods. Again, nice work.

Reflection:

Work/life balance and strictly life balance can be difficult, and one can only have so much time to dedicate to everything. I feel similar half the time, wondering if I should re-initiate contact with old friends, and yet fully knowing that I do not have the time to engage in friendly conversation for more than fifteen minutes. The last line saddens me, though, to great effect. The unfortunate individual is doubtful of their self and what to do. I share this at times.

Untitled (about memories):

I like the imagery provided here and never thought about memories being like skipping stones, gaining distance and settling down or staying afloat. Very interesting! Nice work on this one.


Overall, fantastic job and I look forward to seeing more! I love seeing the world through your artist's perspective. Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much Thanny Thanny for pointing that out about the 'The Life Shop.' Honestly, didn't notice it until now! Partly because the font I used for my post- from my computer browser- makes every line appear capitalized. Also about the very last poem I'd posted, thank you for pointing that out to me too. I forgot to put the title in the post, but it is Skipping Stones.

There is a bit of sentimental value and personal discussion played out in the poem Reflection. It stems from my own issues about keeping up with my friendships, my life, my job (mainly about my friendships), and the struggles I have with being Autistic, and possibly ADHD. Its hard and I'm trying to figure out things, but I feel like I'm failing in some areas that I need to succeed in. If I don't I feel like I'm just going to keep going down this social hole and never be able to have meaningful friendships, relationships, etc... without existing in a constant array of anxiety and misery.
 

Thanny

The Destined Undestined
Hey hey! Glad to help out if so! That is very interesting about the font. I am used to, I think . . . Arial, Calibri, and Times New Roman as standard font for me, though every now and again I like to change it up. I am curious about what standard font you use.

I figured that it was something similar regarding "Reflection," and I'm sorry to hear that you have such issues. I am very hopeful that it is not currently bothering you as much as before. Everyone has a lot of things to keep in check, some more than others, and I myself have tons of odd ones to face down with a deathly stare so that they can leave me at peace every now and again. Kick the issues' collective butt for us both. They need a good boot in the behind.

 

Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns
Hey hey! Glad to help out if so! That is very interesting about the font. I am used to, I think . . . Arial, Calibri, and Times New Roman as standard font for me, though every now and again I like to change it up. I am curious about what standard font you use.

I figured that it was something similar regarding "Reflection," and I'm sorry to hear that you have such issues. I am very hopeful that it is not currently bothering you as much as before. Everyone has a lot of things to keep in check, some more than others, and I myself have tons of odd ones to face down with a deathly stare so that they can leave me at peace every now and again. Kick the issues' collective butt for us both. They need a good boot in the behind.

I'm planning on seeing a psychologist at some point because I don't think I'll ever be able to handle the issues on my own. Theres a lot more than what I talked about in the poem that affects my reasoning to see a psychologist, which I don't mind talking about. But that sort of conversation would be better served if this was a private conversation. Although, I did mention a couple things in my last response.

The font I used for like the first three poems and for the post thread itself is called Cinzel. I thought it fit the aesthetic or theme of the thread im going for, pretty well.
 

Thanny

The Destined Undestined
I understand that. There's no harm in seeking help when you feel that you need help, and psychiatrist/psychologist peoples help point one in new directions previously not considered. As for continued conversations, I would be more than happy to help be an lent ear or help out in some way if requested. I have racked up a fair amount of wisdom in my days on this earth. That, and movie references. Lots and lots and lots of movie references.

Thank you very much for the new font idea! I am not much of an all-caps person, as much as my profession wanted to make me so, but I love the old Roman style of the lettering.

Also, sorry for the sluggish response; today was quite hectic on my end.
 

XxCelloxX

We are going to trust the giant flying sharks?
Just wanted to say your poems are very lovely and looking forward to see what you have in the future 💕
 

Thanny

The Destined Undestined


The Moon that is Them

You know nothing ever changes
Until you meet the full moon,
And then you begin to ascend
Past everything you thought
you knew.

When you strike terror into
The eyes of those who fought
Longingly against you years ago.

And when you begin to hurt
The ones who adored you ever
Since you met them years ago.

Do you finally begin to understand
What it means to change yourself
And break every moral that you
Held up so highly all those years?

Did you realize that life was like
The phases of the moon- albeit
Nonlinear yet forming you into
Something new for better or for worse?

But then perhaps you should know
That the sun will rise once more
And everything will be okay.

And perhaps you should know
That everyone has a monster inside,
But none of us ever start that way,
Nor do we finish like such.

The sun will rise again
And you will find yourself
Once again, one more time.

This is an interesting one. "[E]veryone has a monster inside / But none of us ever start that way / Nor do we finish like such." I love this line, and wish it were true. I have met my fair share of monsters, a small handful of them personal. Some of them rescinded, and some were cowed, but some of them persist. I hope that such lengths of being persistently monstrous can be turned into stretches of good. Such would be a beautiful thing, much like the cycles of the moon from new to full.


Let me go

Hold on,
You're still here?

Listening?
Breathing?

Why exactly?
Whats the point?

There's nothing
I can give you.

Not now,
Not ever.

Just go home,
Sit and relax.

The clock is
Ticking yet I'll
Be fine.

I promise.

I feel a depth of sadness within this one, though i am not fully sure of the context. Is the person who needs to let go a stalker? Is it someone concerned? Regardless, I like it even still, however. Interesting use of two lines per stanza and then the one line that adds finality.
 

Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns
Just wanted to say your poems are very lovely and looking forward to see what you have in the future 💕

This is an interesting one. "[E]veryone has a monster inside / But none of us ever start that way / Nor do we finish like such." I love this line, and wish it were true. I have met my fair share of monsters, a small handful of them personal. Some of them rescinded, and some were cowed, but some of them persist. I hope that such lengths of being persistently monstrous can be turned into stretches of good. Such would be a beautiful thing, much like the cycles of the moon from new to full.



I feel a depth of sadness within this one, though i am not fully sure of the context. Is the person who needs to let go a stalker? Is it someone concerned? Regardless, I like it even still, however. Interesting use of two lines per stanza and then the one line that adds finality.


Hey sorry I haven't been in the mood to respond lately, but here I am. Thank you for enjoying the poems XxCelloxX XxCelloxX I appreciate your thoughts and please know your feedback is always welcomed here.

Thanny Thanny I love your view of it. Those are great interpretations of the poems meaning. My personal outlook when I wrote it is the concept of someone mourning an event, or a person. It can be hard to let someone go, whether it be through the lenses of knowing they're dead, or maybe they left you for someone else, or just eventually faded away from your life. Losing friendships and connections can be difficult. But more importantly, the main point, losing yourself. Grieving yourself or who you're 'supposed' to be.
 

Thanny

The Destined Undestined
Two Voices

This took a bit to get formatted correctly but I hope you'll enjoy it. It is a reworked version of a poem I wrote a long while ago. If it doesn't appear to have two columns with two people conversing, then please view this poem on your computer's web browser. If you're unable to do that, please let me know and I'll send you a photo.

Also all spots that trail off with ... is purely intentional and I do not plan on changing that. I do get how that may be distressing to see in a poem, or piece of dialect. But is my decision to keep it like that anyway, thank you for understanding :)



Hey,
It's been a while.

I guess I just
Fell out of it for
A while.

Remember how we used
To watch the stars
Together?

We would watch as the
Sun fell and we'd stare
Delightfully as the Moon
Made its way up.

Your eyes glimmered
So brightly as the moon
Looked down upon us.

How could that be?

You'd lay yourself
On to my chests and
Let me brush my hand
So softly through
The twines of your
Hair.

You purred as if
Your life was nothing
But pure happiness.

It was so-

Hasn't it been so long
Now since then?

Somedays I relive it
Deep inside my head,
Those moments we'd
Share together.

Yeah, of course.
I miss you.


Heh, I know.
Sorry...



Hey.

Well yeah, I guess it has.



I know that feeling.



Um.




Uh, well, yeah?



It was nothing, really.





Look, I-
Aren't we passed
Those things now?




I-




...You're right.



You were really
Something.


But I need you
To let me go.

I adore this. It's general. It is cute. It is relatable. Moreover, it draws out an emotion that I don't think many have evaded, where romantic interests just do not have the same feelings as you as they did in the past, or that things just are different. I feel sorry for the left-hand speaker, and feel torn like the right-hand speaker. This is a very neat way of using poetry's nonstandard methods to one's advantage, like a text conversation, and I like that very much.

Tell The Wolf to Stop

Oh I wonder if I'm being too melodramatic.
I got a lot bubbling up inside my head,
But I keep moving on for the sake of
Moving on.

Am I just wistful?
Look I know I said
That I just hate myself.
Am I just depressed?

When the bad morphs into the good
And suddenly you cannot tell the
Difference between good and bad,
Right and wrong, sad and glad.

Maybe I could go back?
I know I've held a blade
Once or twice or so.
Maybe I could free myself?

If I look back will the wolf still be there,
Standing in the corner preying on my
Inner misery and thoughts of
Delusional depressing conundrums?

Does he speak to me?
Yes I hear him all the time.
I'm never good enough.
Am I ever good enough?

Emotions are dragged along with torn, bloody fingernails here. The wolf preying upon the speaker reminds me of my fiendish dreads, pestering and doing hyena-like prowling on the outskirts of my sanity. We can fight it and force it to withdraw, but it is a struggle at times. Nice work on this.



Nature Knows

The sun rises with a smile on her face.
The day is looking greater and kinder.
So clouds roll in, and it begins to rain.
But thats okay, things were a little dry.

Even the planet needs time to cry,
Yet in sadness beauty still grows.
Rivers sway and habitats flourish.
Nature knows emotions are valid.

When the thunder comes and goes.
When the night turns to dark gray.
A rainbow will make its way to you,
And say that everything is alright.

This is the mercy the world shows.
It knows you cannot keep fighting.
So it brings you night so you may rest,
And then day so you can breathe.

So take a breath and rest a bit.
The sun waits patiently just as she
Will always be there to do.
You'll be okay, you'll be alright.

The lengths of these paragraphs match well with the stanzas, which I am very glad about, and the contents are beautiful. A sense of peace washes over me when I read this. Nice work once again!



A Lavender Reunion

You two embrace-
Her body is a soothing
Warmth spreading
Through the faintest
Of leaves.

You breathe and
You take in her aroma,
A smell of delightful
Roses and lavender
Tingling gently next
To your nose.

It is oftly alluring,
That sense of serenity;
A gentle calmness
Passively brewing
Inside the brunt of
Your chest.

Then she lets go
And steps back to
Let the hug linger
Inside your thoughts
For just one more
Moment longer.

You start to think that
Everything is bound
To one another, that
Everything is bound
To be okay.

She smiles at you,
Patiently waiting for
You to say something.
You are silent, but
This time your face
Speaks out.

Just like little rain drops,
Your tears hit the floor
And you run to her
To hug them once more.
A thank you worth more
Than any word you
Could ever hope to say.

My only qualms with this are simple ones: "oftly" does not exist as a word, but "often" and "oft" and "ofttimes" and "commonly" may be good ones for a replacement; and the "thank you" at the end should be a "thank-you," as that is the noun and adjective version. Sorry; it is my inner editor pointing this out. The poem itself, however, is just adorable. I am absolutely pleased by this one and adore the image of two adorable people embracing, romantic or purely friendly. They just are, well, so adorable!

-- -- -- -- --

More will come in time. Keep up the good work, my friend, and I hope life is handing you a variety of polite and friendly presents as of late rather than flaming bags of dog doo-doo as once was common to find on a doorstep.
 

Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns
My only qualms with this are simple ones: "oftly" does not exist as a word
On the contrary, Dictionary.org appears to support it. No worries though! I appreciate all the feedback you have to offer, and the thoughts you have for each poem is wonderful and intriguing. Tell the wolf to stop plays on how I treat myself when I feel depressed, tired, and sad. Its almost as if there is a second voice speaking to me, pushing me to do things that I shouldn't do to myself. And anytime I consider it, I imagine that he/she/they is laughing at the thought of me doing it.

Two voices is an older poem as I probably previously mentioned. But I thought it more fitting to change the poem slightly from what I wrote originally to give off an idea that: just because one or two people miss each other, doesn't mean they should suddenly be okay with the idea of spending time together again. Its okay to reflect and recall, but to realize that things have changed and doesn't need to go back to the old ways. In the old version of the poem, the two collectively state that they miss each other, at the same time. But bleh to that, that isn't as exciting to me as a writer.
 

Hazelfaye

DecidueyeReigns
To further digress on the topic of the word 'oftly,' I do recognize that it may not be a formal word. Just wanted to get that out of the way haha.
 

Feedback and General Discussion


  • Hello and welcome to this thread! This is the feedback and general discussion thread for two of my writing threads on the website. All feedback on those stories and poems are much appreciated, so please feel free to post your thoughts here.


    The Shadow Moon Collective

    A hub for some of my short stories and notes, or occasionally odd bits and pieces of poetry. Contrary to its dark seeming approach, it will hold some cute and friendly stories too. I just like darker seeming things, and maybe a little bit of cryptic scavenger hunts/feels. Check it out here.
    the words from the wolf


    This is my main poetry thread here on this site. Its where I share some of my poetry, which are most definitely on the sadder/depressing side. Sometimes I share some of my poems that I've written and posted to other websites, too. Like Wattpad, Allpoetry, and Facebook. Check them poems out here.

love the format :)
 

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