Realistic or Modern Fairweather Communications - Urban Fantasy

[Reynarda]

Azrael stayed leaning against the pole, her arms folded across her chest, staring out the at the tunnel lights as they flashed by. She knew she shouldn't let it get to her. He probably hadn't even meant it. But it brought up every time she had failed a test and every miserable moment of residency when her attending physician would question how she had ever passed freshman biology when she hesitated on an answer.

Normally she wouldn't care. Patients questioned her all the time. Their opinions didn't matter. But Wade had been the one to advise her to let Lev in on her secrets. She had taken his advice, and it left her feeling a little vulnerable. It was one thing for him to be rude about finding out she was a vampire--a fact she had no control over--but questioning her knowledge as a doctor, something she had gained through blood, sweat, and tears, cut deep.

She was mad at herself for letting it get to her. But here she was, trying this whole friend thing. It would appear she had been right. She couldn't have friends. It was too hard. They would judge her for things they didn't understand.

Wade's voice cut through her frustrated thoughts. She slid her eyes to him, eyebrow quirked. When he actually agreed with her, Azrael blinked in surprise. But it was the apology that brought the small smile back.

"Apology accepted," Azrael said, straightening from her slump against the pole. "You know, you're the first person to ever to apologize for that. That takes humility."

Thea let out a breath. They were worried they were about to have a morose doctor on their hands for the rest of the day. They reached out and took Azrael's hand and squeezed. They were delighted when Dr. Drake squeezed back.

"And you're not an anus," Azrael mused. "More like... an annoying cousin."

"An annoying cousin?" Thea echoed, sounding unconvinced.

"Yes. Like the one that is annoying just because they're the youngest and don't know how else to get your attention," Azrael said. Though, she didn't think attention was what Wade was after. He seemed hellbent on convincing her he was a jerk.

"What does that make me?" Thea demanded.

"My favorite little sibling."

"Yasssss," Thea said.

Azrael cocked her head at Wade and smirked. "You know, if you wanted to convince me of your act, you shouldn't have lead with what you said last night."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade huffed.

"It's not humility," he grumbled, then scratched the back of his neck. He didn't really know how to get used to compliments. Lev glanced over at him and bumped him with his shoulder, so he figured he wasn't doing too bad so far.

He chewed on his lower lip, a frown on his face.

"I just, I guess I wanted you to know that I respect you, even if I am kind of a jerk sometimes," he said with an embarrassed shrug. He had been the one to tell her last night to make an effort for Lev, so maybe he should make an effort in return. "I'll try not to, you know. Push things so much."

Lev did not do a fist pump of victory physically, but he was definitely doing one on the inside.

He was ecstatic that Wade was trying, and that he wasn't immediately alienating Azrael and Thea. This was good. Maybe if this kept up, they could all be friends.

"You get bitchy when you're stressed," he said, more as an explanation to the others than anything, and Wade snorted.

"Everybody gets bitchy when they're stressed," he retorted, then flushed. "I've never had cousins, little or otherwise, so I wouldn't know."

It wasn't entirely true. He was pretty sure his dad had had an estranged sister way back when, but they didn't talk about her because she was a 'bad influence'. Wade was pretty sure she was just a lesbian, but he had never had the energy to track her down after his father's death. She could have kids, but he didn't know them if she did.

But then Azrael played dirty, and Wade's entire face began to rival a tomato.

"That wasn't -- That's different," he sputtered, and Lev perked up.

"What? What did you say last night?" He asked, and Wade glared at him.

"Nothing! It's nothing. It's completely different. Has nothing to do with this, or me, or anything."

 

[Reynarda]

Thea's grin returned as Wade began accepting his new lot in life. There would probably be a lot less gossip to be had, but they decided the trade was a good one.

Azrael's eyebrow rose. "You respect me, hm? Enough to be upfront with me rather than hiding behind--" She gestured vaguely at all of him. "--that. Pushing me will only get you pushed back. You're never going to fool me into thinking you're not a good person so you might as well give up."

"I have cousins," Thea put in. "But I think I'm the annoying cousin."

Thea was about to pontificate on the intricacies of cousin dynamics for Wade's benefit when Azrael brought up their closed-door conversation and Wade went red. "What, what?" they asked, leaning forward in their seat. They tugged on Azrael's coat. "What'd he say?"

Azrael's smirk spread. "Let's just say it was kind and considerate and very much revealed Wade's hand."

"No! Doc! Not fair!"

Azrael smiled and leaned in towards Wade as if about to share some wisdom. "You know, bad people don't generally care about other people. You should revamp your act with that in mind."

Thea snorted. "Revamp."

A garbled voice informed them they were arriving at a stop, but Thea couldn't tell which stop it was. Still, they knew the look of the tunnels near the Fairweather Communications building. With a groan, they stood and stretched. "We could totally stop for coffee."

"This is why you're always late. You don't have as much time as you think you do," Azrael pointed out.

"Aw c'mon. It's Saturday," Thea complained. "I bet Lev and Wade want to grab coffee, don't you, Lev and Wade?"

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade was surprised that Azrael was so frank about it. He gaped like a fish for a moment, then awkwardly ran his fingers through his hair. He kind of wished it was longer. He'd decided to keep it shorter upon joining the company, as a sort of fresh start, but he missed being able to hide behind his bangs sometimes.

"I-I'll try," he said, feeling a bit small and out of place. "It's a bad habit. And sometimes I just am a bit of a jerk. But I'll try to tone it down."

Lev smiled brightly, because that was about the best he'd ever seen from Wade within only a few days of meeting someone before. He was proud of him. He was also very proud that Azrael figured him out in one day flat, and was already strong arming him into being a better person. That was a great accomplishment, and he was glad that the four of them had ended up as friends.

"Wade likes to pretend he doesn't care about anyone, but he's not very good at hiding it," Lev agreed, and Wade scowled at him.

"It wasn't-- I don't care about that guy," he pointed out. "I mean. I hate him more than I care about him, anyways, so it doesn't matter. But that was just. It wasn't being considerate, it was just trying to explain things, you know?"

He felt frustrated that he was embarrassed about this, and embarrassed that he was frustrated over it.

"I'm just saying, don't get your hopes up too high. One day you'll walk in on me doing something stupid and see I'm kind of a human disaster," he warned jokingly. Mostly jokingly. About 90% jokingly.

Lev still elbowed him.

"Well, once you guys head in I'll get going home," Lev said with a stretch. "So it's up to you. It's only quarter after eight, so I think we should have time for a quick coffee."

Wade scrunched up his nose, then sighed.

"Well, maybe a quick one."

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael's expression softened. She hadn't meant to make Wade feel like he was being scolded--well, maybe she had meant him to feel a little scolded. But she perhaps needed to find a way to communicate effectively with him.

Thea sympathized with Wade. They had found out the hard way it was better to just be upfront with the Doc. "I've found it's best to just declare, 'I'm feeling like shit and I want to break stuff'," they said wisely.

But even that had had a steep learning curve. Dr. Drake was a fixer, and she had tried to solve the problem rather than just listen to Thea vent, which had been what they had wanted. Now she typically asked if Thea wanted her to listen, solve the problem, or talk through it. The last option had more options: being sympathetic, offering advice, or giving her blunt opinion. Thea had learned that the last option was harsh, but sometimes it was the most helpful when they suspected they were the one being the problem. Still, the first option was their favorite as the Doc was surprisingly good at trash-talking people.

Thea thought they'd maybe pull Wade aside and impart their wisdom when the Doc wasn't around.

"No, he isn't," Azrael agreed with Lev. She sighed as Wade revealed his hand when she was being purposely vague. Anyway, she had been thinking more about his care that someone he barely knew would get insulted by someone he apparently didn't care about.

"Wait, what guy?" Thea asked, eyes dancing with the light they got when they sensed a good story.

Azrael waved them off. She had no intention of explaining when it seemed like Wade hadn't even figured his own thoughts on the matter yet. "All humans are disasters," she intoned.

"Rude." Thea paused. "But not entirely false."

Azrael huffed. "I have done rounds in the trauma ward, the psyche ward, and the emergency department. There's nothing you can dream up I haven't seen. But just know I will come after you if I catch you doing something stupid."

"Yeah, it's nearly impossible to skip your meds when you have a vampire doctor frowning at you knowingly," Thea said wisely. "I haven't forgotten to take my meds in like twenty months."

Azrael was not about to point out that Thea could end up hospitalized with a "minor" cold if they skipped their meds. They hadn't mentioned their childhood fight with leukemia to the other two, so she wasn't about to bring it up.

"Yes," Thea hissed in delight. "And I know the Doc can't turn down coffee. Especially since she rushed us here."

Azrael sighed. She really couldn't turn down coffee.

Thea grinned. "If she ever catches you being a human disaster--or a Kumiho-Kitsune disaster--it's best to apologize with coffee. If you really screwed up, get her a mocha. She loves chocolate."

Azrael made a face as they strode up the steps and out into the street. "Don't go telling all my secrets."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade glanced at Thea and the corner of his mouth quirked up.

"The secret is, I actually always want to break stuff," he said conspiratorially.

But it didn't take him long to realize he had tipped his own hand. Thea didn't seem to have put two and two together, but he could see Lev giving him that calculating look. He hated that look.

"Nobody," he grumbled. "He's stupid and he doesn't matter so we're not talking about him anymore."

Lev opened his mouth, but Wade's ears were red, so he quickly shut it again. He didn't know what had actually happened there, because Wade never talked about Percival Fairweather outside of how horrible he was. He had kind of suspected there was something more going on the one time Wade got completely plastered and started ranting on and on about how Percival probably had a tiny dick, because you didn't think that much about the penis of somebody you hated unless it was more complicated than that. But he was not about to open that can of worms on a nice Saturday where the temperature was only 'kinda freezing' instead of 'super freezing'.

"You should have brought a hat," Lev said instead, to give Wade an out. His own ears were cold, and he tended to have a high body temperature.

But when Azrael doubted that he was a human disaster, Wade felt like his pride was at stake. He raised his eyebrows, his mouth quirking into a grin, and Lev groaned.

"Noooo," he whined as Wade opened his mouth, because he already knew where this was going.

"You say that, but I'll have you know--"

"Please don't tell this story, it's too early for this story," Lev complained, and Wade rolled his eyes.

"The doc thinks that she's seen people who do dumber shit than me, I have to correct her," he said, and Lev made a noise that was part exasperated and part dread.

"We're like almost at the office, and you've already talked way too much about sex for eight in the morning," he said firmly. Wade scrunched up his nose, but finally waved him away.

"Fine, fine. I'll save that one for another time. But I'll have you know, Doctor Drake, I've done stupid shit you wouldn't even dream of," he boasted, and Lev rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wondered why Wade had to always be like this. He knew why, but also, why.

"Also I'm pretty sure I can still manage to forget my meds," he said, and Lev elbowed him again. He was doing that a lot this morning. Wade was going to have sore ribs by lunch.

"He won't do anything stupid," Lev assured them. The office wasn't too far away, but there was also a nice little cafe on the corner that was neither too busy nor too expensive. It was like a hidden treasure in plain sight, and he pointed it out as they headed towards it. "And I'll keep the coffee thing in mind. And the chocolate. I'm neutral on sweets myself, but spicy chocolate? Now that's the good stuff."

 

[Reynarda]

"Me too," Thea whispered back. "But the Doc won't let me."

Azrael just hummed. She didn't mind being the bad guy when she was stopping people from doing stupid things. Thea had once declared that they got to smash an already broken beaker and had ended up with glass in their ankles. Azrael had had to preform an office procedure on her own medical assistant.

"Right, that's fair, but who are we not talking about?" Thea pressed, a wicked light in their eyes.

"Whom," Azrael corrected.

Thea made a face at her. They were not satisfied, but they would let it go for now. But if Wade thought they would forget, he was sorely mistaken.

Azrael sighed as Lev groaned. "No, I'm not doubting your ability to make a fool of yourself, believe you me." She made a face. "Yes, please no more sex. Thea is too young to hear about such things and you are setting a bad example."

"Hey!" Thea complained. Though, if this was worse than the last thing, maybe they were too young.

"And anyway, I think I'm developing an ulcer with your name on it," Azrael added.

Thea snorted. "Um, you haven't been giving the disappointed look yet, Wade. It's got a threat in it, let me tell you. Right, Doc?" They glanced over to find Azrael frowning off into the distance. "Doc?"

"Hm? Oh, yes, definitely. Very threatening."

Thea frowned because she still seemed distracted and they didn't like it.





Detective Garth Dekker wasn’t supposed to be in New York City. He wasn’t even supposed to be in New York State. He was supposed to be on the vacation foisted on him by the district’s therapist.

He hated that woman. She was always trying to get him to talk about his childhood and his relationship with his father and assure him he didn’t have to carry his father’s guilt—whatever that meant. He was fine.

He would be better if he hadn’t stayed up all night trying to pick up the trail he had lost. This would have been easier if not for the forced sabbatical. It also would have been easier if he hadn’t been taken off the Dreix Case. He could have gone to the NYPD and had them pull everything they had on Azrael Drake. They wouldn’t have much, but they’d have more than he currently had.

Which was her work address. Which he had found on the internet.

Which was why he was sitting at the coffee shop near the Fairweather Communications building.

It was so weird seeing her in an actual doctor’s office. It had to be a front. And either the higher-ups in the company were just as dirty as she was, or they were being blackmailed. Or maybe some of them were just clueless.

The one that had left the building with her—the personification of a rainbow—they had to be clueless. They actually seemed to care about the rain cloud they had followed, which was weird. And the one they had met up with—he felt inhuman in Garth’s opinion—had ben way too smiley. The witch was probably seducing him or something. He was probably about to be a scapegoat.

There had been others—he had no idea who the one in the sweater had been, but he’d looked a bit rough. He and the rich guy had got into a bit of an altercation, and she had nearly pulled a knife on the rich guy, and you didn’t want a Dreix getting their hands on something sharp. Either the rich guy was a rival of some kind—likely, the man postured like a vampire—or was on the good guy side, which was less likely. Then she had organized all of them and left. He had followed, but her threat had frozen him in his tracks. He didn’t have any backup here. And she could probably do whatever she wanted to his blood before he would even know what had hit him. Once he found them again, they were all piling into a cab. He had gotten the plates, but the driver didn’t remember where he had dropped the big group off.

She was dangerous, he knew that, but she was a coward. She had hidden from him in South Carolina, and she had bolted from Cleveland. The nurses at the Clinic had cheerfully informed him the resident who had looked after him had completed her residency and was moving on to a fellowship most likely. She should have bolted when he threatened her with the Bloody Mary. She didn’t.

This new backbone was making his insides twist in knots.

He couldn’t figure out what she was up to—and why the hell had the angel of death become a freaking doctor? He had thought he’d find her in some lab torturing humans or something.

The doughnut he was eating was not that great. Cleveland had better doughnuts. But he hadn’t wanted to look suspicious. He probably had jerky or something in his car, but that was a ways away. The coffee was good at least. And he'd eaten worse on stakeouts before. Like that one time he had gotten food poisoning.

He was starting to question his life choices when they appeared around the corner. And then the group started walking over towards him. For a second he thought they were coming for him, but then he realized they were drawn by the coffee. Garth slumped a little in his seat, pulling the fedora he wore down over his eyes so he could watch them from under the safety of the brim of his hat.

She was with the Rainbow, the Smiley, and the Sweater Guy. They all were groaning at something Sweater Guy--who looked a lot better today--was saying. He looked pretty smug about it. If he didn't know better, he'd think they were a group a friends, out to grab coffee together. He knew better, but now he was starting to wonder if the other three knew better.

"Spicy chocolate is the bomb," Rainbow said as they pushed the door open. "Honestly, anything spicy is the bomb. Especially if it makes you cry."

"You realize that's a defense mechanism," the witch said, pausing by his table and picking up a napkin he had dropped. She placed it back on his table without looking at him, but his heart rate sky rocketed.

Shit.

Garth had felt confident coming on his own because she was afraid of him. His stomach sank for a second, just a second. No. No, this would be fine. He would figure this out. He'd survived far worse than her.

"Your body is trying to protect your from the poisons the peppers made to kill things," the witch continued as if oblivious to his presence.

"Humans eat crazy things, Doc, you should know this." Rainbow studied the menu. "That guy's doughnut looks good, I'm getting that. And one of the things that barely has any coffee in it. What about you guys?"

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade firmly looked away from Thea.

"It's not important. He's not important," he said, hoping that would be the end of that. Luckily Azrael seemed to be on his side, and Thea left it alone. For now. So he decided to take pity on them and not tell his story. For now.

"Fine, fine. It's a better story to tell when I'm drunk anyways," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Everybody is too young to hear that story," Lev told Thea with a straight face. "He'll tell you eventually, whether you like it or not. All kinds of horrible things. He's way too proud of going to the emergency room because of his bad ideas."

Wade placed a shocked hand to his chest as they entered the coffee shop.

"Hey," he said because Lev was misunderstanding here. "I am not proud of going to the emergency room. I am proud because that guy told me nobody could deepthroat that thing, and I proved him wrong."

Lev placed his hands to his temples, because as usual, Wade spoke very loudly.

At least they came here often enough that the barista didn't even look phased.

"Harper, if you're gonna gross out the other customers, you can leave," she said dryly before they even got in line, peering around the woman in front of them who was trying not to show her red face. Wade rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Mallory, I would never," he said with a winning smile. Lev gave her an apologetic look.

Wade may not have had a lot of friends, but that didn't mean he didn't know people. He knew half the service workers in the shops and restaurants in this area, because he was a nuisance and he tipped very well. Lev thought he was better with people than he thought, but Wade staunchly disagreed.

"Spicy food is good," Lev agreed, while Wade nodded his head.

"Yeah, the donuts here are great. They have these really good English muffins too. With, like, smoked salmon and shit on them. It makes me feel all high class," he said, as though he hadn't just been talking very loudly about things that were the opposite of classy.

Lev rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I've only been here a few times, but it's good. I'll get a black coffee, myself," he said as the patron in front of them left.

Mallory was giving Wade a dead-eyed stare, her long black hair pulled up into a messy bun. She had a piercing in her nose and her lip, and the beginnings of a tattoo visible on her clavicle, just hidden by her white blouse. She had the first two buttons undone, which Wade knew the owner always hated.

He liked Mallory Singh a lot, because even though she worked in customer service she didn't allow people to give her shit, customers or employers.

"Hm, What do you want, Doc? Just coffee?" Wade asked, making a list of everyone's orders in his head. Lev gave him a Look.

"Everyone can pay for their own," he said, and Wade looked at him like he was a traitor. But Lev knew Wade would always try to take the bill whenever he was out with anyone, so it was best to cut him off at the root.

 

[Reynarda]

Thea aspirated their own spit. "You did what?!"

"Don't answer that," Azrael instructed Wade.

Thea almost wanted to start challenging Wade to do stupid things, but they were fairly certain that he would do those stupid things, but then they would end up murdered by Lev and the Doc. Or maybe just the Doc. Lev didn't seem the murdery type.

Azrael scanned over the menu. "Maybe I can't top that, but I did have a man come into the ED pouring blood out of every orifice of his body when I was in residency."

Garth slid down a little in his chair.

Thea eyed Dr. Drake for a second. She had said that way too casually. "Did you save him?"

Azrael shrugged. "Almost didn't. That idiot had lost a lot of blood."

Thea really wanted to ask how a vampire wasn't bothered by blood getting everywhere, but they were in public and they were pretty sure the doughnut guy was listening to their conversation. Instead they asked, "What was he doing?"

"Tangling with things he shouldn't have."

Thea had so many more questions, but they weren't sure they were the sort of questions they wanted answers to. It almost sounded like the sort of story you told to tease a friend, but they couldn't figure out for the life of them who else would be in the the joke.

"I only went to the ER once. When I broke my shin bone--yes, I know it's the tibia, but if I said "tibia", Doc, you're the only one who would know which bone I was talking about." Azrael closed her mouth so Thea continued, "My family ate beans for weeks after that. How do you afford all these visits, Wade?"

"Yes, everyone can pay for their own, except I am treating this one," Azrael said, nodding to Thea.

"This one doesn't need to be treated," Thea said.

"They do. They're always buying me coffee."

Thea rolled their eyes. They knew full well that Azrael paid them back. They had been confused once about the extra twenty-ish dollars that had appeared on their pay stub, and Dr. Drake had claimed she had no idea what they were talking about. They would have figured it out sooner if Dr. Drake didn't compensate for how much taxes would take out.

"No, Doc," Thea said, holding on to Azrael's sleeve as if that would stop her from handing Mallory her credit card after relaying her and their orders.

"Consider it a thank you for working on the weekend then."

Thea sighed dramatically, flopping their arms. This wasn't a battle they were about to win. "Fiiiiiine. Then I'm paying for Wade's because he's a butthead."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade considered whether he should tell Thea anyways, but Lev was giving him a pleading look. Always he was pretty sure Mallory would actually throw him out.

"I will spare your innocent mind the details," he said as though he was doing them a great favour. "But I injured my esophagus. Anyways that was, like, what, three years ago? All healed up now. Was on a mush only diet for a while there, so I don't actually want to do that again."

He shuddered, and Lev rolled his eyes.

"Every orifice?" Wade asked, raising his eyebrow. "Like, are we talking nose and mouth or are we talking every orifice. There are a lot of orifices on the--"

He paused, because he remembered she had been upset with him earlier when he had tried to question her about the human body.

"Actually, you would know better than me, so I'll take your word for it," he said. Lev was grateful he was at least trying to watch his words, even if only some of them.

"See, I try to avoid the ER," Lev said wisely. Wade snorted through his nose.

"I have very good insurance," he said.

In truth, he was pretty sure there was something fishy with his insurance company. It was filed through work, and all of his claims, even non-work related, had to be filed through the HR office first. Which he had found very weird when he first started, but he figured it was just Percival trying to buy his forgiveness with money again. He was pretty sure that the man never actually read anything in those claims, though, or else he would have a very different opinion of Wade as a whole.

As it was, he commented that he seemed to be more clumsy than he was in high school.

He snapped out of it, though, when Thea offered to treat him.

"Wait, no, I'm treating everyone," he complained, but Mallory had already taken Azrael's card.

"I don't care who pays as long as it's somebody," she said, her tone bored, and Wade huffed.

"I'm the regular, you're supposed to want my money," he said. She gave him an unimpressed look.

"Your money's probably spent time between a stripper's ass cheeks," she said bluntly as she started to make their drinks.

Wade made a noise of mock offence, because he did not go to strip clubs. Often. But arguing would only make everyone think it was true.

Lev took that opportunity to pay for his own.

"Seriously, though, it's more expensive," he said, because he hadn't even given Mallory his order when she had sent it back to the kitchen. A teenager with thick glasses brought out a paper bag and handed it to Mallory, who placed it on the counter.

"One seafood delight, one extra large herbal tea with two shots espresso," she explained. "Comes to 7.50."

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael wanted to tell him that the mush diet served him right but she wasn't feeling particularly cruel. More exasperated than anything. And anyway, Wade was wondering if the man in her story had blood pouring from every orifice.

"Mouth, nose, eyes, ears," she listed. "To be honest, I didn't check the other orifices. I was too concerned about all the blood being on the outside of his body instead of the inside of his body. His nether regions were the least of my concerns."

Why. Why did she have to be like this. Garth had honestly expected a detailed description with the actual scientific terms, but somehow "nether regions" was worse. He was starting to wonder if the witch wasn't trying to make sure he was too embarrassed to question the three innocents she had surrounded herself with. He had the feeling Sweater Guy would ask him about the other orifices just for laughs, and he would have to admit the witch probably knew better than him considering he had been in shock. But the thought that she would have fully examined him made him want to crawl out of his own skin.

He tried to tell himself it wasn't embarrassing. He had been attacked. Yeah, it had been a little weird that she had been the resident on call that night. And he had paid her back. He hadn't so much as run her name in nearly four years.

"My favorite story is the guy with the golf ball," the Rainbow snickered, breaking his thoughts.

The witch huffed air through her nose. "No. We had to get a specialist in. The specialist had to cut him open. Sentients are bloody stupid." She nodded to the Smiley one. "See, you at least show intelligence. The ER is not somewhere any thinking being should want to spend time."

"Except ER doctors," the Rainbow said.

The witch snorted. "They're all adrenaline junkies. After day two in the ED rotation, I knew that wasn't my calling."

"Instead your calling is taking care of corporate people. Oh. And Wade." Rainbow grinned at Sweater Guy before nodding to the barista. "Yeah, gross. This wonderful barista does not want to touch your nasty ass money. Doc, we don't need to know how much bacteria can be found on typical bills, so get that wicked gleam out of your eye."

"Mostly mouth bacteria," the witch said anyway, her smirk barely hiding her teeth. "But also MRSA."

"I'm never using cash again," the Rainbow said, physically blocking Sweater Guy and handing the barista their debit card. "Sorry about this idiot, honey, we haven't got him house trained, yet."

The witch stared at Sweater Guy's order, her mouth slightly open. "What in the name of science have you created? Did you have these poor people put espresso in herbal tea?"

"Yeah, are we sure Wade hasn't committed a felony?" the Rainbow asked as they picked up their drink and doughnut and passed the witch's coffee to her.

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade shrugged his shoulders.

“Probably for the best. I would feel a bit bad for the poor guy if you told me he was bleeding out of his dick, too.”

When Thea mentioned golf balls, he immediately perked up.

“Wait, no, tell me about the golf ball. Was it in the butt? Look, I may be a reckless slut, but even I know you don’t put things in your butt that aren’t designed to go in there. Dildos exist, they’re great, don‘t put a golf ball in your butt,” he ranted, and Lev raised his eyebrows.

“How did it circle back around to sex? You’re driving me crazy this morning, Wade,” he warned, though his tone was light. He was a little annoyed, mostly because this was embarrassing, but he was used to it. He didn’t think Azrael or Thea would be as lenient.

“Wait, how am I not corporate? I work there,” Wade grumbled, his voice whiny. “I’m pretty sure the CEO hates me personally, but I totally count as corporate.“

Lev snorted through his nose.

“You’re always complaining about the guys in sales and saying you never want to be seen as a corporate goon,” he pointed out, and Wade huffed.

“Ok, yeah, but I still count. And it’s not stripper money. I don’t carry stripper money.”

Mallory didn’t even dignify that one with a response as she took Thea’s card and charged it.

”Oh, trust me, I know,” she said, then smirked at the disgust from Azrael and Thea over Wade’s drink. “And I told you, Harper. That shit isn’t normal.”

Wade rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could.

“Listen, it gives it a pop,” he said, making sure to emphasize the ‘p’.

 

[Reynarda]

“Don’t feel bad for him,” Azrael said dryly. “He lived.”

“Thanks to you?” Thea asked with a grin.

“Thanks to me,” Azrael said, but Garth privately thought he probably would have been just fine without her. The nurses said he had lost over six liters of blood, which was a feat considering he only had a littled over five to start with. But they had probably been exaggerating. He would have been fine.

Azrael arched an eyebrow at Wade's questioning of the man and his golf ball. “No, of course not. It was 'in his bathroom' and he 'fell on it'.”

Thea rolled their eyes. “Why is it always in the bathroom and they fall on it.”

“Bathrooms are apparently quite dangerous,” Azrael agreed. She took a sip of her coffee. “Well that’s one point in your favor, Wade. I’m glad I won’t have to drive you to the hospital because you stuck something stupid up your butt. That’s a weight off my chest.”

Her tone was dry, but Thea figured she was actually relieved. They snorted as they snagged a table and sat. "You, corporate? Sorry, you just don't seem the type."

Azrael hummed. "You're not stuck-up enough," she agreed with Thea.

"Or put-together enough. When I think corporate, I think... Percival! Yeah, Percival." Thea bit into their doughnut and groaned. "Oh, this is good. Wanna try some? Doc?"

"No, thank you."

They held the doughnut out to Lev and Wade. "Guys? Wanna try my doughnut?"

Thea glanced at the guy with the doughnut. He hadn't touched his food or drink since they walked in. He hadn't really moved at all, come to think of it. Maybe he was asleep.

Normally, they wouldn't have noticed him, but something just felt off. The Doc usually glanced over everyone in the room like she was diagnosing them, but she hadn't looked at the man by the window once. She had her eyes fixed intently on Wade as he spoke, but it was an unfocused stare. Thea glanced at the guy, and then felt a little weird for doing so. They trusted their instincts, but they had no idea what their instincts were telling them.

Azrael's expression soured. "A 'pop'? You took two things that I enjoy very much and made them unpalatable."

"Add garlic to it," Thea suggested. "That would make it even more disgusting! Oh! What about lemons! No, onions!"

"Thea!" Azrael scolded. "The man does not need your help."

Thea stuck their lower lip out but somehow managed to look the opposite of contrite.

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade grinned.

"Well, you might still have to do that, but at least it would be something that's designed to go in there," He said wisely, though he doubted she actually would. He vastly overstated his exploits in conversation, and was not nearly as seasoned as he liked to behave. Even Lev thought he was more outgoing than he actually was, but in honestly he only really had ill-advised flings when he was seriously depressed, or seriously drunk.

The first one was more common than the second.

"I could totally be corporate," Wade grumbled. "I could totally be a stuck up ass, too, if I wanted to."

Really, though, hearing that he didn't fit that mold was comforting. It was nice, not to be labeled as the kind of uptight rich bastard that his father had wanted him to be. One more way to spit on the bastard's grave, he thought.

And maybe this sort of going out for coffee with friends was nice too. The fact that Azrael was determined not to dump his ass, and that Thea would probably stick along for the ride was equally nice.

"You think Percival is put together?" Wade asked, the corner of his mouth twitching into a grin. "Listen, I roomed with that asshole for five years. Do you know how long it takes for him to get ready in the morning? He had to set his alarm for quarter to six in order to be awake and ready to go to class at 9am. The truth about Percival Fairweather is he fakes everything. He's a hot mess on the inside, just like the rest of us."

Lev raised his eyebrows, surprised Wade had actually given up that information. Normally he was more prickly about his time in school. He had admitted he and Percival were roommates, starting in their second year of middle school, but didn't like to talk about it that much. He wondered if he'd be as forthcoming if Lev wasn't here, or if Lev hadn't talked about how great Azrael was as a doctor since she had treated him the year before.

"Tell them about his socks," he said with a crooked smile, and Wade groaned.

"He ironed his socks. Every night before bed he'd iron his uniform and his socks. He was 12 when we started rooming together. Then in the morning he'd sit at the kitchen table hugging a hot water bottle for like an hour, zoned out of his mind. He makes you think the whole upright Mr. Perfect thing is effortless, but it is so far from the truth."

He still had memories of a twelve year old Percival scornfully looking at Wade's homemade hamburgers and insisting he just hire somebody to prepare his meals like everyone else, because there was no way something with that amount of onions could be nutritiously balanced. Wade had stared at him like he was a two-headed alien. Sure, his family was rich, but he was pretty sure Percival Fairweather was some kind of alien.

Or a vampire, he supposed. He snorted through his nose at the thought, then held his tea protectively.

"Hey," he said, feigning offense. "There is a difference between those things you are listing and this. The difference is that this is good. And it's not coffee, so it's not bad for you."

He nodded sagely.

"You can't tell me herbal tea is bad for you, doc. You're a doctor. You know. Besides, I need the energy in the mornings, but coffee is too heavy. This is nice and light. With a Pop."

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael folded her arms across her chest. “Then maybe I’ll just pull it out myself.”

“Doc,” Thea groaned. It was the tone they used when Azrael had been too blunt. She thought about pointing out that it would be cheaper than an ED visit, but Thea’s face suggested she should not do that.

For his part, Garth was horrified.

Azrael huffed. “As long as you call me instead of trying to deal with it yourself.”

Thea snorted. “If you wanted to be corporate, your really would have to stick something up your ass.”

Azrael chuckled under her breath and Thea grinned, glad their joke had been well received.

“No way,” Thea said when Wade revealed he had roomed with Percival Fairweather for five years. They glanced at Dr. Drake, but her eyebrows were raised as well.

Thea’s jaw nearly hit the floor. “Three hours?? To get ready?? You know how long it takes me to get ready? Like an hour. And that includes eating breakfast. How long does it take you to get ready, Doc?”

Azrael cleared her throat. She had it down to a science because she hated mornings. But it might sound weird. “Thirty minutes.”

“Yeah ok, but you’re special and organized so you don’t count,” Thea decided, waving her off.

“His socks?” Azrael asked. Somehow, she was not surprised. “But socks don’t need pleats?”

“Don’t try to fathom it, Doc,” Thea advised.

“Seems a bit extranious,” she muttered, though she was slightly impressed Percival knew how to iron.

Both Azrael and Thea eyed Wade in disbelief.

“Coffee is not bad for you,” Azrael said at the same time Thea said, “Doesn’t that have two shots of espresso in it.”

Thea glanced at Azrael. “Priorities, Doc.”

“Coffee has a lot of good phytochemicals that actually reduce the likelihood of heart disease,” Azrael insisted.

“That’s what she tells herself to justify the massive amounts of coffee she drinks. And that can’t be true, I’ve seen you on caffeine.”

Azrael pressed her lips together. “Decaf is healthier. And it’s not that funny.”

“It’s hilarious. She had to go walk around the block several times two weeks ago because I didn’t realize she’d already added two shots of espresso to her coffee.” Thea turned back to Wade. “Anyway, espresso is coffee on steroids, Wade. And onions are very healthy. Don’t they have immune properties, Doc?”

Azrael nodded.

Thea nodded wisely before a thought hit them. “Oh! You should put jalapeños in there. That would be funny.”

“Herbal tea is healthy, but so is spinach, and I’m not suggesting you combine those things,” Azrael said, eyeing Wade’s drink over the top of her cup.

“You don’t have room to judge what monstrosities Wade drinks,” Thea said with a snicker.

Azrael rolled her eyes and Thea giggled.

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Lev almost choked, but Wade didn't even bat an eyelash.

"Doctor, if you keep offering to stick your hands up my butt, I'll think you're flirting with me," he said with a grin. "And you're very beautiful, but not quite my type."

Lev groaned loudly and decided to slap his shoulder rather than elbowing him.

"But I will keep it in mind. I mean. Not the pulling things out of my butt part. But, you know..." he trailed off, not sure how to say what he wanted to say, or if it was an imposition. "I mean. If I get into trouble, if that's... If that's ok. Rather than trying to stitch myself back up myself, you know? And no, I haven't done that. Don't look at me like that."

He hesitated when he realized he had very casually revealed his and Percival's past. But, well. Azrael and Thea wanted to be his friends, and Azrael had offered to listen before. He'd told her more about the situation than he'd ever told anyone else. This much was fine.

"Yeah. I mean, I don't wanna talk about his situation or anything. We were in the dorms together. I went to elementary school back in DC, and then came out here for middle school and high school," he explained. "We only roomed together in the second year of middle school, though. We met because we were both in the music club."

The school had had a proper classical orchestra that did a televised show every year with the high school seniors, but Wade had never really liked the pressure. Percival, of course, had been a part of that. Wade had the symphony's performance video taped and stored in the very back of his apartment's closet. He would very much deny it if it was ever brought up, but sometimes he liked to take it out and listen to it. Percival was a good musician, even if he had never really cared for it the way Wade did.

Wade wondered if he should leave it there. But, well. Azrael seemed to be some level of friendly with Percival. She seemed to actually see him as who he was, rather than who he pretended to be. It made him want to trust her with the past.

"He was bizarre," he said. "Some things were, like, so precise. Like ironing his socks. He had perfect handwriting and scheduled everything like a weird little businessman. But he also didn't know how to use the microwave."

Lev raised his eyebrows, leaning in on his elbows.

"Seriously?" he asked, and Wade nodded.

"I'm ruining his perfect image right now. He totally didn't know how to use the microwave, or make tea or coffee, or cook. He would break something and immediately throw it out because 'he could just get a new one'. I glued the broken base of my desk lamp once and he looked at me like I was the weirdest thing he'd ever seen. I have never seen a kid who knew how to iron his socks at age twelve but couldn't microwave a burrito."

He actually laughed at that, and Lev was surprised that he sounded fond. Wade didn't usually talk about Percival with anything other than utter contempt. Maybe last night had softened him up a little bit.

"Ok, no, espresso isn't coffee. It's, like. It's like half coffee. Part coffee. It's better for you to drink half-coffee than full-coffee," he explained with a surprising amount of confidence. "Besides, tea is better anyways, but in the mornings I'm not functioning without either caffeine or cocaine, and one of those is significantly safer than the other. Hence, espresso."

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael sighed. In retrospect, that had not been the best choice of words, and Thea looked like they might need the Heimlich. But then Wade said she was beautiful, and not in a creepy way. In a weird way, certainly, but not a creepy way.

Thea watched as Dr. Drake went really still and blushed in slow motion. For their part, they couldn't believe Wade was flirting when Lev was right there. Okay, so maybe it wasn't flirting exactly. At least they were all clear that the Doc was not Wade's type. But the Doc had no idea what to do. She had never been good with compliments.

"Doc? You rebooting?" Thea asked.

"Well, good, you're not my type either," Azrael said way too fast. She glanced at Lev before wondering why she was doing that and quickly looking away. This was getting out of control. She needed to get her neurons functioning again. The one person in the world who could completely destroy her was sitting in the same cafe with her and all she could do was get flustered when Wade teased her. Not that she cared about his opinion of her physical appearance. He was very annoying. But she did, a little bit, think his opinion was a point in her favor. Which... Which was a very stupid thing to think when Dekker was sitting barely fifteen feet way pretending to be inconspicuous.

Garth was certain this poor man was also bewitched or seduced. Maybe even both. Maybe even more than the Smiley one. He was wondering if he shouldn't try to get Sweater Guy in a witness protection program.

Azrael blinked, forcing her brain on what Wade was saying rather than the random thoughts it was chasing. She arched an eyebrow, about to say of course it was okay. She had offered, hadn't she? She'd rather he have someone to call rather than--her eyes widened and then narrowed and she opened her mouth, probably about to give him a lecture on the finer points of suturing. But he clarified, so her expression softened. "Of course, Wade. In fact, I'll give you my cell."

She pulled a pen and her prescription pad from her messenger bag. She scribbled her number down twice, ripped the paper in half, and handed one to Lev and one to Wade.

"Wow," Thea said. Azrael thought they were going to comment on the fact she was giving her number to two men, but instead they continued, "She even wrote it so normal people could read it. What an honor. What a blessing."

Azrael rolled her eyes before pointing her pen very sternly at Wade. "But you give that to anyone else and so help me Wade Harper I will--"

Garth shifted a little jerkily, like he might suddenly jump to his feet.

"--never forgive you," she concluded.

"We need your middle name," Thea said. "so we can fuss at you properly."

Garth almost interjected that you never give your middle name to anyone because if they had your full name, they could do horrible things to you. But he decided he would just have to save Sweater Guy and the rest if it came to that.

"Wait, Percival plays too?" Thea sighed. "Now I'm wishing I had kept up steel drum practice."

Azrael wished they had kept up steel drum practice, too. She thought that a fascinating instrument. Thea and Wade could play, and Lev could read his poetry. She had nothing artsy to bring to the table unless they wanted to watch her draw the cardiovascular system from memory, but she could clap and cheer.

"What? A microwave is just buttons," Azrael said, starting to wonder who had heated Percival's blood for him, then. Or maybe he did it on the stove? She had once heated blood in her dorm room hotpot--that had been a very bad idea.

"He would throw out broken things," Thea echoed, sounding like their soul was leaving their body. "Why are rich people."

Azrael shrugged. Her family had been well off, but not that well off.

"I can't picture him eating a burrito." Thea squeezed their eyes shut really tightly. "Nope. Can't do it."

Their eyes popped open when Wade insisted espresso was part coffee. "No it isn't, you walnut," they said emphatically. "It's like... concentrated coffee. Like a giant cup with all the water taken out so it's mostly coffee. Back me up, Doc."

"It's a small amount of water put under pressure and forced through coffee grounds," Azrael said. "And we're glad caffeine is your poison of choice."

"Yeah," Thea said, nodding. "Anyway, like I said. More coffee. It's like... quadruple the coffee."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade immediately realized that maybe he had said the wrong thing, because Azrael was getting very red, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause confusion.

"I mean," Wade began, quickly wondering how to explain this. "I don't really have a type. I mean, you know. Relationship wise. I'll suck anyone's dick for twenty bucks but I don't really, you know. Do serious stuff? Like hand holding and stuff, that's not reallly..."

He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. His ears were red, and Lev rolled his eyes. He had managed to get himself flustered with his own bad joke.

"Glad to know your priorities," he said dryly. The last thing he was worried about was Wade somehow wooing Azrael away. Even if she was attracted to him, which Lev kind of doubted, Wade had a track record of terrible relationships even Lev winced to look at.

Wade scowled at him, but Lev just flicked him in the forehead.

"Wade's actually shy," he said to Azrael and Thea in a stage whisper.

Wade sulked at that, because he was not shy at all, but when Azrael gave him her number he perked up.

He had everyone's number. Or rather, everyone had his number, because he gave it out like candy to anyone who worked with him. He was always available day or night in case anyone needed help, because that was what a good boss did. But he had very, very few people who he would contact when he was in a tough spot. Clara and Lev were probably the only ones.

Gaining a new ally was a good feeling. He tucked the number into his coat pocket.

"He won't give it to anyone," Lev said, part guarantee and part warning. Wade huffed and rolled his eyes, but Lev's eyes slid over to the man who had been sitting there with his donut during their whole conversation.

Azrael was being very calm about it, but he was almost certain he had seen that man at the bar the night before. And if his instincts were right, he had a good idea of who it was.

"Of course I won't give it out," Wade said, offended. "I don't give out peoples' numbers."

When Thea asked for a middle name, though, he hesitated. He didn't really have one. It was weird to give yourself a middle name, wasn't it? Middle names were given to you by parents. Wade had chosen his name and built his identity himself. It was a way of taking control in a time when he had none of it.

He supposed he did have his old middle name. It made him wince to even consider it though. Lev was giving him a worried look, like he wasn't sure what the problem was, and Wade didn't really want to worry him. But.

"Nobody needs to know that," he said. It wasn't as bad now that his first name had changed, but his mother had had terrible taste when naming him for the first time. He loved her dearly, but he had been bullied a lot in school.

He did not trust Thea not to mock him mercilessly if they knew the truth.

"He used to," Wade said with a shrug. "I don't know if he still does. He played cello. Our second year living together I convinced him to join the fencing club, and I'm pretty sure he still does that."

When Azrael said a microwave was just buttons, Wade snorted loudly.

"I was the one who brought the microwave into the dorm when I moved in. The first time Percival tried to use it, he tried to microwave a fork," he said, his tone serious. The dorm head had not been impressed by the smoke coming from their room, and Percival had been absolutely terrified as he clung to Wade while crying that he didn't want to burn to death.

He had been more of a crybaby back when they were kids. Wade kind of missed it.

"Anyways, he didn't ever eat outside of specified times, and he had special permission from the school for his personal attendant to bring his meals right to his dorm. Food allergies, you know," he explained. "I had to introduce that kid to the idea of snacking. I made him eat a hamburger once and his mom threatened to have me expelled."

Lydia Fairweather had never hidden her disdain for Wade, even back when she and her husband were using their son to commit espionage. He was a bad influence, she claimed. He roped Percival into doing bad things and acting out. He imagined she hadn't much changed her tune.

"I also made him eat the burrito. He made this face." Wade scrunched up his brow ever so slightly, wrinkling his nose in his best attempt at portraying hidden disgust. "But I did get him addicted to brownies."

Lev rasied his eyebrows, because the idea of Percival eating sweets was not one that easily came to mind. But then, the idea of Percival as a child also didn't easily come to mind. He seemed like the kind of guy who was just born at age 30.

"It's not coffee. In order for something to be coffee, it has to be all coffee, or coffee has to be the main ingredient. Adding espresso to a drink doesn't make it coffee any more than adding a furry headband to me makes me a catboy."

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael was torn between being exasperated with Wade and telling him to charge more. Finally she rolled her eyes. "I don't think you're hitting on me, Harper, calm down. I'm just not used to compliments."

"I give you compliments all the time," Thea pouted.

Azrael arched an eyebrow. "You went on for days about how gorgeous the blobfish is. Pardon me if I assume you are exaggerating."

"The blobfish is the most precious creature on the planet," Thea insisted. They raised their eyebrows at Wade and grinned. "Hand holding is serious? Dang, I had a serious girlfriend when I was five then. Also Doc held my hand when I got my Tdap shot last week. Guess we're serious."

"Mm, I was also the one administering the shot," Azrael said.

"Aw," Thea said in a sweet voice. "Wade! Don't be shy."

"Glad to hear it," Azrael huffed, annoyed that a perfectly empty threat was now being taken seriously. Honestly, Dekker would have believed her if she had threatened to turn Wade inside out. It was not even anatomically possible. But Dekker was an idiot, so he didn't know that.

She didn't miss Lev's eyes slide to the idiot by the window. Great. How Dekker had survived this long as a detective, she didn't know. She had honestly assumed he was dead until yesterday.

Garth seemed to realize it was weird to sit there without moving and broke off a bit of his doughnut and stuffed it in his mouth. He forgot to chew and swallowed the whole bite, which didn't work out well for him. He choked.

The doughnut guy began to cough, and Dr. Drake got that look she got when people weren't following her health protocols. Thea opened their mouth to ask if they should help him, but he cleared his throat and then downed whatever was in his coffee cup. Probably whiskey. That guy looked like the type to put whiskey in his coffee at 8am. In fact, he kinda looked like a worn-out cop from an action movie.

"I'm thinking we need a cello, piano, and steel drum concert," Azrael said once the guy by the window was done coughing.

"What, noooooo," Thea said. "I quit when I was 12. I'm terrible. Now, my mom, she is amazing."

Azrael sighed. She couldn't help picturing Percival struggling with a microwave. It wasn't his fault, really, that he had grown up spoiled rotten. She couldn't help feeling a little responsible for Percival. Probably not anything she would ever mention to him.

"Who doesn't like burritos?!" Thea said. "Burritos are the food of the gods!"

Thea was starting to wonder if these food allergies were like Dr. Drake's food allergies.

They narrowed their eyes. "What kind of brownies, Wade Alonso Harper?"

"Alonso?" Azrael asked, arching her eyebrow.

"I think it sounds like a great middle name for him. No? What about Abraham. Wade Abraham Harper. OR. Consider: Wadebraham."

"Thea Kennedy," Azrael scolded.

"Doctor Drake," Thea said in the same tone. They perked up and turned back to Wade. "Ok, but what if you were a catboy? That would be so cute. Not as cute as Lev because Lev is the cutest thing in all of Manhattan, but maybe like... the third cutest thing."

"You being the second cutest?" Azrael asked.

"Obviously. Even Wade Catboy Harper can't dethrone me."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade's face turned very red.

"It's not-- Look, sex you can do with anyone, but romance is different. That shit's scary," he insisted. He was a very physically affectionate guy, but only platonically. When it came to actual romantic feelings, he got extremely embarrassed with the slightest hint of PDA.

"I don't even know if he still plays," Wade grumbled. "And we haven't played together since school. It would be pretty bad. Also, I'm a little annoyed that he's magically been added to this friend group. He's a jerk."

Although, really, Wade had been pretty bad in school. He had always struggled to play along with a band without trying to steal all the spotlight for himself. Now he played with a band all the time, and Percival... Well, who knew what Percival did. Wade only knew he still fenced because he always took Wednesday afternoons off for his fencing club. It had driven Wade crazy at first, but nowadays he didn't really mind. Even assholes needed a hobby.

But then Thea suggested that he gave Percival Fairweather pot brownies, and Wade choked on his herbal tea.

"No! They were just normal brownies!" He exclaimed in horror. "We were twelve. I-- Look, I don't want to give his life story or anything. That's his to tell. But he didn't really get to do a lot of normal kid stuff. When we roomed together I kind of... made him act like a kid, I think. This kid was twelve and had never had a brownie or a piece of cake in his life, of course I was gonna make him eat 'em. It just seemed like the right thing to do."

Lev smiled slightly, and Wade realized that made him sound far too soft.

"But that was years ago now. Like, almost twenty years ago or something. I doubt he even remembers half that stuff," he said quickly, then realized that just made him sound more sentimental. "And, you know, it was annoying, being stuck with a stick in the mud. And anyways, I'm not telling my middle name. I'll take anything you come up with, I'm not spilling."

He took a big gulp of his tea, and then snorted tea through his nose when Thea said he should be a catboy.

"Hm, I think he's more doglike," Lev said idly. "But the ears would be cute."

Wade gave him a betrayed look.

"As cute as Lev is, I'm happy being 100% certified human, thanks," Wade said, his voice strangled. "I don't want people trying to pet me."

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael really didn't know why Wade was so determined to talk about sex but he was. And she was fairly certain he wasn't actually doing it to throw her off this time. Huffing, she took a sip of her coffee.

"Let's agree to disagree on that one," she said dryly. The thought of sex with just anyone made her insides crawl. STDs. That's how STDs happened.

Thea grinned. "You don't choose fang gang, fang gang chooses you. And fang gang chose Percival Fairweather."

Azrael rubbed her forehead. She could practically hear Dekker having a mental cow at "fang gang". "By that they mean they chose Percival."

"Yeah, well, he's kinda like a lost chinchilla. You can't just leave him. So we have adopted him!" Thea grinned. "Anyway, hanging out with normal people might help him. And I can totally show him how to use a microwave. That is a service I provide."

"Chinchilla?" Azrael echoed, arching an eyebrow at Thea.

"Does he strike you as a puppy type or a kitten type? I think not. Chinchilla." Thea giggled at Wade's indignant insistence that the brownies were perfectly normal and Azrael shook her head. But then Thea immediately felt sorry for Percival. "Aw, see! This is why we're adopting him. He needs more sugar in his life. Poor kid. That must have been the worst."

Azrael smiled. That was how she often felt about him. Not that he needed more sugar but that he needed someone to show him doing what your family expected was not the only way to live.

Thea nodded, agreeing with Lev. "Ok, you're right. More like... like a cocker spaniel or something. Like a super excited puppy that needs to just calm down."

Azrael shook her head. "He's the type to push your drink slowly off the table while making eye contact with you the whole time."

"Ok, a trouble making-dog, then. What's a trouble-making dog?"

"Chihuahua," Azrael said, entirely because she figured it would annoy Wade. "Or a Pomeranian."

Thea squeaked in delight. "That would be so cute! Can you imagine if he could shape-shift into a PomPom, that would be the most adorable thing ever." Thea sighed. "Anyway, maybe you need to be petted more often. People need to be petted--right Doc? People need to be petted?"

Azrael nodded, smirking a little at Wade. "Yes, people need to be petted. It they aren't petted enough, it could negatively affect their mental health."

Thea cocked their head then reached over an petted Azrael's shoulder. "You too, Doc. Succumb to the affection. It's good for you."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade's face soured as the conversation continued to be about Percival, and how sad and pathetic and in need of saving he was.

He got it. He had also thought that, way back when, and thought he had been doing good with including him in things. But there was only so far a person could go.

"Nothing can help him," he grumbled. "If you wanna hang out with him, fine. But don't trust him. He does that whole sad puppy dog - er, chinchilla - thing that makes people wanna care about him, but it's not worth it. That whole family is poison and he refuses to get away from it."

He took a rather aggressive sip of his tea, biting into his bagel with just as much ferocity. Maybe he was getting a little too heated about this. Lev was giving him a worried look, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin their morning. Who had brought up Percival, again? He wished he could just go one day without thinking about that asshole.

Azrael must have been reading his thoughts, because she compared him to a chihuahua and a pomeranian in the exact same breath, and he choked on his food.

"I am not!" he exclaimed in outrage. "If anything I'm, like, a cool dog. Like a doberman or a pit bull or something," he whined. Lev leaned back in his seat, a smile playing on his lips.

"Nah, you're not actually that mean," he said, and Wade looked betrayed.

"I'm totally mean. You guys just suck."

He could have gone on longer than that, but Azrael's phone ringing cut him off. He raised his eyebrows, because she seemed pretty strict about giving her number out, and it was still fairly early in the morning. Before nine, anyways.

 

[Reynarda]

Azrael gave Wade a small smile. She understood his frustration. She wasn't sure what Percival had done, but she thought it was probably bad. But she really thought that Percival might be growing a bit of a backbone. He needed some helping along, but maybe he would get there. Eventually.

Still, she didn't fault Wade in the slightest. She wished he weren't so vocal about it, but eh. Everyone dealt with betrayal in their own way.

But then was inhaling his vile creation and biting his food like it had insulted him.

Azrael smirked as her comparison got the exact result she had thought it would.

Thea considered, taking this very seriously. "No, not those. Those are too... one is too pointy and the other is too stocky. Maybe like... a poodle! Yeah, because they have this big bark but they're secretly nice!"

"Wade is a were-poodle?" Azrael asked, unable to keep the snicker out of her voice.

Thea giggled. "A were-poodle!"

Azrael almost made a joke about being the only one present that sucked when her phone started playing "She Blinded Me with Science".

"Secret boyfriend!" Thea said out of habit before remembering Lev was sitting right there. "I mean, just kidding. She does not have a secret boyfriend, why would you think that?"

Azrael shot Thea a dark look as she dug her phone out of her bag. "I told you to stop turning the ringer on. And what is this?"

Thea grinned. "Wait until you hear the ringtone for me."

"I'm taking this and then you're turning this ringtone back to the normal one," she said as she stood. She had no idea why Percival was calling, but she thought it better to not take the call in front of the others. It could be patient-related for all she knew. Usually his assistant called her assistant. "Make sure no one steals my stuff."

"I will guard your notes and coffee cup with my life," Thea vowed.

Grant shifted slightly, but she didn't look like she was going to bolt. And anyway, maybe he should say something to the three remaining at the table. He glanced at them, but she just stepped outside the cafe and flipped open her phone, leaning her shoulder on the other window. Best to wait until he could get them relatively alone so she didn't come running back in here and bewitch them or whatever.

Thea finished their doughnut and sighed. "If Wade gets to be a cool animal like a poodle, then I get to be a cool animal. But I can't decide what I'd be."

Azrael flipped her phone open. "Don't tell me your heater is broken again."

 

[Mikotsuhime]

Wade looked like Thea had just insulted his mother.

"I am not a poodle," he said, a hint of a whine in his voice. "Poodles are not manly dogs. You put poodles in purses. People like Paris Hilton have poodles."

Lev snorted, trying very hard not to laugh.

"I don't know, I could see it. Maybe Thea will start spreading rumours that you're a were-poodle," he said, and Wade pouted.

"That's even worse than the rumours that I was a zombie," he grumbled, and Lev laughed.

The entire department had found that one incredibly funny. They'd all chipped in and gotten Wade a lunch box shaped like a brain. He'd bitched and moaned, but Lev had been to his place. He saw it there on the mantle.

Lev raised his eyebrows at 'secret boyfriend', but he figured it was just friendly ribbing. Thea's attempts at backpedalling, though, were very funny.

"It's cool, I'm not gonna fault the doc her secret boyfriend," he said with a laugh. He hoped Azrael knew he was just kidding around, though. If she thought he was being serious and actually got a secret boyfriend, he'd be pretty bummed.



"Hello, Dr. Drake," Percival said, the friendliness way more forced than normal. In fact, he sounded rather strained, and he didn't even force a laugh at the heater comment. Instead, he made a soft grunting sound, as though he were trying to move and couldn't get comfortable.

"I, er, it isn't the heater, no. I'm in a bit of a... predicament," he said, part-way frustrated and part-way embarrassed. "I believe somebody may have drugged me last night."

He said it matter-of-factly, as if this were a totally normal thing to happen.

"Are you... Are you close to the office? I think I might need help. Not in the sense that I'm injured. I mean. I am mostly not injured."

He grunted again, frustration mounting in his voice.

"I really don't know how to explain this other than it has to do with my mother's heritage and I really need help. And a place to... lay low for a few hours."

 

[Reynarda]

"Not the little kind! The big kind!" Thea said, laughing. Measuring from the ground up with their hand, they said, "The this-big ones. But yeah, maybe with the French cut and definitely with the curly fur."

At the mention of Wade being a zombie, Thea snorted. "No offense, but you're too loud to be a zombie. A were-poodle, however. And I could absolutely start that rumor. Do you know how many rumors about the Doc I have squelched? So many. So starting them should be way easier." They waved their hand. "Just say the word. I'll start it."

Thea huffed. They had a feeling if the Doc had a secret boyfriend, the Doc, herself, would be the last to know. "I really wonder who it is, though. I thought I was the only one with her number."





Azrael frowned. A predicament? He sounded sort of like he was locked in a box somewhere. Did his family lock him in his room or something?

But then he said someone drugged him, and Azrael stiffened. "What? How? No--don't answer. That's not important. Yes, I'm down the street. Are you in your office? Can you make it down to my office? Can you take the service elevator?"

She glanced back at the three inside. Wade looked sulky, Thea was smirking, and Lev had that soft smile on his face. She felt so bad abandoning them, but she also was not about to leave Percival by himself when someone had drugged him.

"Hang on just a minute, alright? I'm coming."

Azrael burst back into the cafe in such a rush Garth startled. Pressing her phone to her chest to theoretically mute her words, she said, "I'm so sorry. A medical emergency has come up. I have to go."

Thea stood. "Need help?"

"Yes, can you please go unlock the clinic and get it going? I'll be back."

"You got it, boss."

Azrael looked at the Wade and Lev, almost desperate to make sure they understood she wasn't ditching them. How did friends part ways when they planned on spending time together again? She almost felt like she should hug them. But maybe that would be weird.

Thea draped her messenger bag across her shoulders. "Go save the world, Doc. We'll see you in a bit."

"Ok, um--I really am sorry."

Thea waved her off. "Go already!"

She's bolting. That's all Garth saw in this situation. Clearly someone had called her up, and now she was bolting. As soon as Azrael turned, he stood.

Azrael waved her hand and his blood pressure dropped. He crumpled forward onto his table, swearing as Azrael strode past.

"Shit, you bloody bitch," was what he meant to say, but it sounded more like the mumblings of someone who had started happy hour too early. Great. Now he just looked like a drunk man who had stood up too fast.

Azrael pushed through the door and jogged off. "Talk to me, Percival. What's going on?"

Thea watched her go, eyebrows raised. "Dang. She's speedy."

They glanced at the doughnut guy, who was apparently drunk. Once upon a time, eager, bright-eyed Thea fresh out of med assisting school would have gone over to him to make sure he was okay. But older, wiser Thea who had done that too many times and then had been groped was not about to do that.

"Well, should we head that way at a slightly slower pace?"