Journal A collection of essays (sorta)

[Araellion]

I am not exactly sure what someone means when they say 'personal essay' in English, because apparently it means something different in Norwegian. Welp, what I mean when I say that is "a series of somewhat connected thoughts about a subject."

I'm going to be posting some essays that I have written. Well, I'll have to translate some of them to English first...

To be honest, most of these aren't proper essays. Just me rambling about something. Sound like fun to you? Welp, read on I guess...

Some of these might contain heavy subjects. Even though I'm speaking–well, writing–to an audience, most of these are purely for my own benefit. To get my thoughts on paper so I can analyse them properly.

1. An essay about writing to the void.
2. An essay about writing-problems.
3. An essay about love.

 

[Araellion]

An essay about writing to the void.

That time of the year, ladies and gentlemen. That time of the year when I'm up at 6 AM because my body decided that I wasn't going to sleep today. Because who needs that much sleep anyway? Yeah, I'll be fine with just a few hours. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

Fuck, sometimes it really feels like I'm abusing repetition as a literary tool. You know what I mean? Can you even abuse them? Pfft, yeah you definitely can. Always too much of a good thing. I mean, it can be good if the person using it knows what the hell they are doing. Now that begs the question; do I know what I'm doing? Ehh, sorta? I guess I do know what I'm doing to a degree.

I mean, I don't know what I'm doing at the moment. Just writing whatever pops up, you know? Who are you anyways? I guess I'm just speaking to a future version of myself. Hey, if this isn't spellchecked then I'm sorry. Really, I know how annoying that is.

Speaking of annoying, the spellchecker on this version of word is really getting on my nerves. Now it doesn't even show me what's wrong, just that there is something off. Even when there is literally nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Ahh, annoying.

Feels like I'm using that word a lot. That's not the only one either. Feels like I use really a lot. Like a lot. Great, let's add misuse of italics to my list of sins. Now there's an idea, a sin list. Sounds like a good story prompt. A character that is seen as boring and in an effort to prove people wrong writes down the seven sins and becomes a sinner (originally misspelled as dinner lol) over night. Ooh yes not bad at all.

The end of the last paragraph marked exactly 300 words; isn't that interesting? Excellent timing if I do say so myself. Sometimes I can really struggle with writing even 100 but I'm on a roll today. Let's get into something a bit more fun than statistics, shall we? Oh, you like statistics? Well, too bad. I run this show, my dear.

Who am I even talking to? Well, myself, but that's a boring af answer. Good lord, I don't think I have used af in my life but here we are. Oh how low the mighty have fallen. Tragic really. But I'm getting off track; who are you really? I guess the better question would be, who do I want you to be?

On one hand it's tempting to just call you a void. A place to project my thoughts so I don't have to face it all myself. Once the thoughts are out of my head that's it; I don't need to worry about it anymore. They are lost forever. While that has its charm, I don't know if I'm really happy with that. Feels impersonal, you know? And then I'm likely going to start personificating the void. Oh lord…

You know let's do that. Or actually let's not. There are some things even I don't have the patience for. I could pander and say that my thoughts are a prayer to God. Would that be pandering or blasphemy? Eh, you be the judge of that I guess. But no, I hate that idea even more. The last thing I need is someone judging me. Get enough of that from myself.

So let's say I would mail this to someone. Do I have anyone in mind? Well, I do have one OC I'm getting attached to. Not really gonna go into detail though. Some things can stay inside my head, thank you very much.

Suffice it to say that I have very few completely original characters that aren't based on anything at all. One of them is a bartender at the fictional BDSM club 'S%M'. And no, that's not a mistake. They royally messed up the sign and just went with it. Anyway, I don't really have a name for her yet. Maybe I never will. I'm not exactly the best at naming things. See 'S%M' for proof of that. Besides, I kinda like her better without a name. My main OC is supposed to be an acquaintance so it's weird that she doesn't know her name. Naah, they know each other's names, it just doesn't come up in conversation much. I mean, when was the last time you called a friend by their actual name?

Maybe a brief description will be good? To be honest I was never the best at that either. Probably because I'm face blind so imagining faces in detail is next to impossible for me. Why do people need to know that kinda stuff anyways? I guess for visualisation purposes. Welp, she has dirty blond hair. Ehh, that's all I got so far. Again, don't really put much thought into appearances because I literally don't use it when imaging people. It just comes out as blurry for me so why bother right?

Next order of business: am I going to post this? Hmmm, maybe. Not really sure just yet. In a way I like collecting all of these little rants. Can't imagine many people will read this anyways so it's fine. And hey, if you did read this then… Well… Why? Eh, whatever. I'm certainly not judging.

Wanna hear something funny? Of course you do. My English accent in my head is British. And why is that? I have two theories. One, I have watched way too many British crime shows. To be fair, that's the only good thing on TV. You know, stuff like Vera and Barnaby and Lewis, etc. Not even sure if those are the actual names of the series, but you know what I mean.

My second theory about my kinda accent is that I just like the way it sounds. Yes, yes, it's cliché. I like the way British sounds, sue me.

And with these next few words we have hit the 1000 word goal. Whoo, pop open a bottle of champagne and celebrate! For some reason… I don't know, I was starting to lose my steam so I had to make a sort of awkward transition. But hey, thanks for sticking with me. Not sure how much longer this is going to be. Or even what the title is going to be. Probably something ludicrously dry like 'an essay about-' something. I dunno, I'll work on it. You know what the title is anyways if you're reading this. Or at least I assume you read the title.

You know, fuck it. This is as good of a place as any to put this piece of writing out of its misery; it has suffered enough. Now to try and do some spellchecking…

 

[Araellion]

An essay about writing problems.

Have you ever had that terrible feeling? That feeling where you want to write so badly, but can't? That feeling where the urge to put words to paper is overwhelming, but every time you try to start, all the thoughts and ideas fizzle out of your mind? Yeah, me too.

You know what usually works for me? Just starting. Yeah, I know. Terrible advice. But just hear me out here. I don't mean to start writing the first thing that pops into your mind, though that works wonders as well. No, I mean just closing your eyes and hitting whatever keys your fingers land on. You'll most likely end up with something like this:

Idksbavshb hbs a Knx x

And that's exactly what you want. What you have here is a start. A start to what? Up to you really. You can use the letters and do something creative with them or, if you're like me, you'll just delete them and get started with what you were originally planning to write. Starting is the hardest part. Just staring at an empty page and worrying about tarnishing the pureness with something that isn't good enough. Well, that's exactly what this is for. To purposefully dirty the page so it feels less scary to get going.

I dunno, it works for me. And it's easier than trying to string together a random sentence.

That's writer's block solved, how about one more thing. Yes, I'm just full of good advice today. Let's see… How about procrastination? I love that the way I wrote that made it seem like something I was coming up with that very second, when I have already been thinking it for the last minute. That's what I love about writing, you get a chance to think about things before writing. Even if that defeats the purpose of writing like this.

Anyway, Procrastination with a capital P. Because that's how important it is and not at all because my phone keyboard doesn't want to cooperate with me.

Now, the earlier advice for writer's block works here too, but what if you just don't want to write but have to for some reason? Like school or something. Well, one thing I usually do is to tell myself that I'll only do one minute of work. One minute. 60 seconds. Doesn't sound like a lot, right? And it isn't. If I tell myself that I'll only have to do that much before taking the rest of the day off, then that gives me the motivation to just get it over with.

And how much work can you get done in one minute? Not much. But that's not the point here. Once you start you'll get in a rhythm and you'll just keep going well beyond the one minute mark. And if you don't, then that's fine too. You accomplished exactly what you set out to accomplish. And, frankly, I think that's good enough.

I think that little bit of positivity is a nice place to end things. Mostly because I can't really think about anything more to add here. But hey, these don't all have to be a thousand words long. A nice short one works just as well if it's about a specific subject.

Well. Bye. I guess. God, I'm bad at ending these… No. I refuse to end it with an ellipsis.

Abyssinia!

 

[Araellion]

An essay about love.

Love is a weird thing. An odd feeling. Not that I would know. I hear other people talking about it though. Kinda impossible to avoid, especially since we are bombarded with it every day. I see people kissing in the hallways, come home to a marathon of romantic comedies on TV. Which I of course end up watching because I'm a bloody sap. Also because I love pointing out the clichés. Does anyone else do that?

As much as I'm surrounded by love, I've never felt it for myself. Not romantic love anyways. When I hear people talking about it it just feels weird to me. Feels like too much. Do people really feel that way? Like they would do anything for the one they love? Move across the world, suffer to make the other one happy? All of that for a feeling.

A warm feeling spreading throughout the body, warming the insides and filling you with joy. Feeling like you could burst from the happiness that loving and being loved in return brings. Sounds like one big cliché to me.

I feel love, at least a dimmer version of it. I love my closest friends, in a platonic way. I love my family, in a platonic way. Would I go to the ends of the world for my family? My friends? Probably not. Does that make me selfish? Perhaps.

I've never had a crush. You realise how odd that is? Starting junior high, there was romance in the air. Or at least puppy love. Everyone was obsessed by who dated who, talking about crushes, sitting outside classrooms or in the bathrooms sobbing their heart out when they got rejected. And then bouncing back a few days later and moving on to the next person to give a piece of their soul to.

And me? I felt like a silent observer. Not like someone waving through a window, no. More like a detached scientist observing odd behaviour in the wilderness. I never took notes though. I wasn't really all that interested. Of course, that doesn't mean I got peace and quiet. Far from it.

People were curious about the silent and mysterious girl. Not that I was like that on purpose, it was just the general vibe that I gave out I guess. They would ask me sometimes who I had a crush on. Not if I had a crush. No. It was assumed that everyone had one. So of course, when I said that I didn't like anyone, I wasn't believed.

A part of me thought that I would get a crush eventually. That I just hadn't found the right person yet. But the years passed by and nothing happened. Oh sure, I could admire people. I could look at my friends and be happy to have them. Maybe even be filled by a fraction of that warmth. But never a crush.

And maybe I never will. And that's ok. Maybe I will be married one day. And when I do it will be for the benefits that being married gives. Financial stability, to name one thing. I never wanted chapels and flowing white gowns. So unnecessary. Isn't it good enough to get the papers signed and call it a day?

To live together as something more than roommates, but less than lovers. More than something platonic, but not crossing the bridge and calling it romantic. That's what I want. Some days I adore physical contact, cuddles and soft kisses on the forehead. But that's the extent of it. That's all I want. More than platonic, but not quite romantic.

Does that make it harder to write about people in love? A bit. I have to think a bit more about the feelings and such. But, I can still write about it. I have experience observing after all. Even having never felt things for myself, I can describe feelings better than those who do experience them. To an extent anyways. I wonder if it comes off as stiff.

The thing is, one hand I do adore romance. The more subtle parts at least. On the other hand, I like the thought of it. I don't think I could ever be happy in a traditional relationship. Most people want to be loved and I just can't give that. Maybe I'll find someone like me one day. Well, the Internet is a good way to connect with people. I'm sure I'll make some friends along the way.