character feedback ❆

Here is my first character. I'm not sure if it will be my only one, but here it is. Feedback is much appreciated. It's my first time playing a character like him and I'm nervous. owo;; @Wisp @Dracogenius
 
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@Salex The Baldie I have yet to consult the profile with Wisp, though it looks pretty good now except one thing still. Either 23 and a law school student or 29 and a lawyer. Two separate things. Make your pick; 29 as a lawyer would be more reasonable than 23. Or, or he can be 23 and in his first year of law school. 


@Ambela I have yet to consult Wisp because they are not home, but I would like to point out something on the profile. I think you meant Female to Male under gender; Lee was born female and then chose to be identified as male. Also another heads up: transsexual and transgender are technically different, but if you meant transsexual then that's okay! I just wanted to point these things out before tackling the full feedback, and also if you'd like to check on these things. I just want to make sure we're both on the same page here before we start!
 
Dracogenius said:
@Salex The Baldie I have yet to consult the profile with Wisp, though it looks pretty good now except one thing still. Either 23 and a law school student or 29 and a lawyer. Two separate things. Make your pick; 29 as a lawyer would be more reasonable than 23. Or, or he can be 23 and in his first year of law school. 


@Ambela I have yet to consult Wisp because they are not home, but I would like to point out something on the profile. I think you meant Female to Male under gender; Lee was born female and then chose to be identified as male. Also another heads up: transsexual and transgender are technically different, but if you meant transsexual then that's okay! I just wanted to point these things out before tackling the full feedback, and also if you'd like to check on these things. I just want to make sure we're both on the same page here before we start!
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I noticed that right after I posted it and have been editing him since. owo;; Thanks, though. 
 
4 hours ago, Dracogenius said:



@Salex The Baldie I have yet to consult the profile with Wisp, though it looks pretty good now except one thing still. Either 23 and a law school student or 29 and a lawyer. Two separate things. Make your pick; 29 as a lawyer would be more reasonable than 23. Or, or he can be 23 and in his first year of law school. 


@Ambela I have yet to consult Wisp because they are not home, but I would like to point out something on the profile. I think you meant Female to Male under gender; Lee was born female and then chose to be identified as male. Also another heads up: transsexual and transgender are technically different, but if you meant transsexual then that's okay! I just wanted to point these things out before tackling the full feedback, and also if you'd like to check on these things. I just want to make sure we're both on the same page here before we start!




 
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what's wrong as 23 as a lawyer?? a girl in the UK graduated law school and passed the bar exam, becoming a lawyer in 18. i actually plan him to become one of the smartest character in the rp, so i think 23 as a lawyer isn't that far fetched. if a real person did it, don't you think it's not that far fetched a fictional character can? this is a supernatural rp after all with some innatural stuff, so maybe that can explain why he was able to graduate earlier and pass the bar exam
 
@Salex The Baldie That's great for that person, but that was in the United Kingdom and not the United States. The roleplay is occurs in the United States. I'm not clear on whether or not the United Kingdom and United States share the same standards for law school. However, education varies across the world, so I have a safe belief that law school would be different. Also, passing the bar exam does not make you a lawyer immediately. One can potentially become a lawyer, but it may be considerably hard. Even then, that is an incredibly young age for someone who should have plenty of experience. If I had an 18 year old representing my case, or anyone under 30, I'd be ready to accept my ill fate.


Now, the roleplay may have some supernatural and fantasy elements, but it's still realistic, hence it being in realistic/modern section as opposed to fantasy. Magical intervention can only go so far. That individual is prodigy and miracle status on many, many levels that must have met rare circumstances and fulfilled them. What we are not allowing is someone who managed to do the near impossible of going to college at 14, graduating both college and high school earlier than the age of 18, and then manage to pass an exam with only about 54% pass rate in California. However your character is still allowed to be the top of his class who passed the BAR exam on his first try after four years of college. He could even graduate with honors in college! 


Some things can fly, but being a 23 year old lawyer cannot. He can be a 23 year old law student in either his first or second year (and second year is kind of pushing it, but I personally would accept it). He can be 29 and a lawyer. He can be 23 and under the apprenticeship of an attorney (and therefore is not going to law-school because California allows you to do that). However, it is not possible for a lawyer to be 23 without an incredible amount of situational cases. I understand this section has been at constant suggestion for editing, but every edit has not been close to what we suggested. If you didn't feel like changing this from the start, I do wish it was discussed before the third request of change.


Your character may be intelligent and brilliant, and show that through the roleplay! He will still be outstanding and intelligent even with being an honor student through highschool and college. He simply will not be a rare conditional case that occurs out of a blue-moon. Ideally no character is. I apologize for this inconvenience.
 
HERE WE GO, AT LAST! so sorry for the delay, guys! I wanted to get this out before I go to bed though I should be sleeping right now since I won't be online for very long until much later today, so!!


if anything isn't coherent enough, I apologize! I'll either be able to clarify later (if I'm fortunate enough to have time to get on) or Draco should be able to clear things up!


(and please remember that you can just answer things here if they're not needed to be changed or added in the profile, or if they're things you'd like to discuss in case we've misunderstood something!)


@Smol Unicorn oooh, I was wondering when we'd get some fae! (I kept encouraging Draco, but alas, it didn't happen </3)


starting with Anna, Draco and I immediately noticed a problem with her surname - Helsing is a Swedish surname (which is fine, not a problem) whose spelling you've used is archaic & is really only used in reference to the manga/anime these days!


beyond that, we had an inquiry about her being a changeling - does her family know that their daughter has been swapped out for a fae child? or are they unaware? regardless of whether or not it's hereditary (as you've used it for Mina), we're going to make the same reference we did with the witch vs human connotation - changeling isn't a species, though it is an identifier. so she and Mina would be fae, though if Anna was a changeling, that could be referenced in her bio (or clarified under fae). if she wasn't but a relative of hers (parent, grandparent, etc and so on) was, that could also be mentioned! I'm personally not too picky on specifying what type of fae she and Mina are, unless you had a specific one in mind already!


the last two things on Anna are very straightforward - when you said "most smiley", did you mean "happiest"? and the other thing is that the relations section is intended for relations that are within the roleplay, not someone's entire family! however, if you want to include a list of her family, you can tuck that in a spoiler so that it's easier to see the roleplay-relevant relationships.


onto Mina, we both honestly found her bio adorable, and only really had one question - does Anna have full custody of Mina? or does Tim just choose not to have contact with his daughter? it sounds like they're estranged, but we were really just curious about that. (it's not something that you have to edit in the profile or anything, just our personal curiosity on the matter, since divorce can be a messy thing when children are involved!)


lastly, with Chander, our biggest issue is that as an experiment, he really sounds more science fiction than supernatural or fantasy! we'd love to see some psychic characters, so that's certainly not an issue; just his general background as an experiment.


I don't think it would take much editing to just minimize that sci-fi feel to it, though I'd also like to point out that children who are not given affection from infancy actually lose the will to live and die very prematurely.


like I stated above, I won't be on much later today (if at all before I leave), so I'm just going to drop my idea here, though you certainly don't have to use it! rather than seeking a level of immortality or contacting otherworldly beings (the former which is usually sought through magic, and the latter being not uncommon), perhaps he and the other children were brought in to "research" psychic phenomena as a whole, which could still easily result in unorthodox methods (like sense deprivation for unreasonable lengths of time) with the intention of having the children develop psychic ability (or abilities). (and even, in the case of his sister, developing certain kinds of magic)


however!! like I said, you don't have to use that in particular, just that we are trying to tread a fine line between realistic/modern and a few supernatural/fantasy elements without stepping into a larger fiction vat.


@Ambela I do hope that the implication of your title means you'll be making more characters! :3c (hopefully, we'll get an idea for cast size soon, so we can lift the current cap!)


if you're interested, I'd be happy to help you with your character in PMs to address any issues or confusions you may be having with attempting a transgender character - I know it can seem like a tricky line to walk, but with any luck, I can help clear things up for you! (I would also like to mention that using a term like "andro" in relations to attraction gets kinda fuzzy and mixed responses - I know someone who is outright offended by that kind of terminology, while others are just like "eh, I get ya".)


the same thing I mentioned to Smol for Anna applies to Lee as well - we're hoping to keep the "relations" portion limited to characters of direct roleplay-relevance, so that would be other characters in the roleplay. (I'm sure everyone has seen "Azriel" listed on Ariel's profile, and I'm hoping to bring him in once we get a feel for how many characters we'll be working with to start, so that's an example of a character who is listed, but not yet implemented.)


otherwise, nothing immediately jumped out at Draco and I in reading your profile, though we were wondering about the source of his ability - is it a level of telepathy, or a type of magic?


if Draco wants, they can go back over your profile in case I just straight-up missed something, which is entirely possible.
 
3 hours ago, Dracogenius said:



@Salex The Baldie That's great for that person, but that was in the United Kingdom and not the United States. The roleplay is occurs in the United States. I'm not clear on whether or not the United Kingdom and United States share the same standards for law school. However, education varies across the world, so I have a safe belief that law school would be different. Also, passing the bar exam does not make you a lawyer immediately. One can potentially become a lawyer, but it may be considerably hard. Even then, that is an incredibly young age for someone who should have plenty of experience. If I had an 18 year old representing my case, or anyone under 30, I'd be ready to accept my ill fate.


Now, the roleplay may have some supernatural and fantasy elements, but it's still realistic, hence it being in realistic/modern section as opposed to fantasy. Magical intervention can only go so far. That individual is prodigy and miracle status on many, many levels that must have met rare circumstances and fulfilled them. What we are not allowing is someone who managed to do the near impossible of going to college at 14, graduating both college and high school earlier than the age of 18, and then manage to pass an exam with only about 54% pass rate in California. However your character is still allowed to be the top of his class who passed the BAR exam on his first try after four years of college. He could even graduate with honors in college! 


Some things can fly, but being a 23 year old lawyer cannot. He can be a 23 year old law student in either his first or second year (and second year is kind of pushing it, but I personally would accept it). He can be 29 and a lawyer. He can be 23 and under the apprenticeship of an attorney (and therefore is not going to law-school because California allows you to do that). However, it is not possible for a lawyer to be 23 without an incredible amount of situational cases. I understand this section has been at constant suggestion for editing, but every edit has not been close to what we suggested. If you didn't feel like changing this from the start, I do wish it was discussed before the third request of change.


Your character may be intelligent and brilliant, and show that through the roleplay! He will still be outstanding and intelligent even with being an honor student through highschool and college. He simply will not be a rare conditional case that occurs out of a blue-moon. Ideally no character is. I apologize for this inconvenience.




 
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well i never have fully done what you guys suggested because well..... it's a character that i made, and sure two three changes here'll be okay, but it's starting to get rough once you start to take away what makes the character well.... MY character. kinda bring the concept of an rp in the first place kinda.... useless, doesn't it? but since you're the gm you always have the final say so i'll go ahead and edit it, just take this as advice for your future gming to not take away most of the character. because sometimes, even changing the slightest details of a character will make it very different from what the rper had in mind, changing the way that it was intended too, but no hard feelings :)  
 
Wisp said:
@Smol Unicorn oooh, I was wondering when we'd get some fae! (I kept encouraging Draco, but alas, it didn't happen </3)


starting with Anna, Draco and I immediately noticed a problem with her surname - Helsing is a Swedish surname (which is fine, not a problem) whose spelling you've used is archaic & is really only used in reference to the manga/anime these days!


beyond that, we had an inquiry about her being a changeling - does her family know that their daughter has been swapped out for a fae child? or are they unaware? regardless of whether or not it's hereditary (as you've used it for Mina), we're going to make the same reference we did with the witch vs human connotation - changeling isn't a species, though it is an identifier. so she and Mina would be fae, though if Anna was a changeling, that could be referenced in her bio (or clarified under fae). if she wasn't but a relative of hers (parent, grandparent, etc and so on) was, that could also be mentioned! I'm personally not too picky on specifying what type of fae she and Mina are, unless you had a specific one in mind already!


the last two things on Anna are very straightforward - when you said "most smiley", did you mean "happiest"? and the other thing is that the relations section is intended for relations that are within the roleplay, not someone's entire family! however, if you want to include a list of her family, you can tuck that in a spoiler so that it's easier to see the roleplay-relevant relationships.


onto Mina, we both honestly found her bio adorable, and only really had one question - does Anna have full custody of Mina? or does Tim just choose not to have contact with his daughter? it sounds like they're estranged, but we were really just curious about that. (it's not something that you have to edit in the profile or anything, just our personal curiosity on the matter, since divorce can be a messy thing when children are involved!)


lastly, with Chander, our biggest issue is that as an experiment, he really sounds more science fiction than supernatural or fantasy! we'd love to see some psychic characters, so that's certainly not an issue; just his general background as an experiment.


I don't think it would take much editing to just minimize that sci-fi feel to it, though I'd also like to point out that children who are not given affection from infancy actually lose the will to live and die very prematurely.


like I stated above, I won't be on much later today (if at all before I leave), so I'm just going to drop my idea here, though you certainly don't have to use it! rather than seeking a level of immortality or contacting otherworldly beings (the former which is usually sought through magic, and the latter being not uncommon), perhaps he and the other children were brought in to "research" psychic phenomena as a whole, which could still easily result in unorthodox methods (like sense deprivation for unreasonable lengths of time) with the intention of having the children develop psychic ability (or abilities). (and even, in the case of his sister, developing certain kinds of magic)


however!! like I said, you don't have to use that in particular, just that we are trying to tread a fine line between realistic/modern and a few supernatural/fantasy elements without stepping into a larger fiction vat.
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Hi there, Wisp! Thanks so much for the feedback, it means a ton to me that you and @Dracogenius do this! I personally love taking criticism on my characters, so I'm overjoyed right now!


My excitement aside, yeah Helsing is a Swedish surname, I completely forgot to state that her father was Swedish in her bio. I'll clear that up right now! Along with the spelling, I can adjust that too, it was originally Helsing (since the trio are pre-made with a couple edits here and there), but honestly I've no clue what went through my brain when I typed the second L. As for the changeling thing, that's also my bad for not clearing it up, but I hinted in the description that she'd a bred-changeling instead of a swapped-changeling. Though thank you, I'll definitely put fae and specify below that the ladies are changelings to classify it under fae! And thank you so freakin much for noting that, I used "most smiley" when I sat in the middle of the night thinking of a word and pretty much flipped my brain off for thinking of "most smiley". I'll edit that, as well! And her family, you're right, I did think it looked pretty long, so I'll just put Mina and Chander in there for the meantime unless I decide to add Diana, which I might but I'm still coming up with the pros and cons. She's an incredibly timid thing.


Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked her bio! I'm personally excited to play as her too, since I've been playing her adult version for a while now in other RPs. I'll add that into her bio to clarify it, but yeah, Anna does have full custody of Mina ^~^


[SIZE= 12px]Onto Chander, no worries at all, it shouldn't take too much to alter him to suit the RP a bit more! I love your idea, but I think I got an alternate way to change it without it sounding too sci-fi. [/SIZE]


[SIZE= 12px]Like I said earlier, thanks so much you guys for taking the time to review my character, I really appreciate the feedback, and will notify you both once I've updated them! Which should be later, I should be catching the last few hours of sleep I can get right now before hell breaks loose.[/SIZE]
 
@Smol Unicorn please, sleep is so important!! honestly, the surname is fine as far as nationality goes; it was just the spelling we wanted to bring up - I wasn't sure myself, so I had looked it up and done a little research.


(I would have hated to bring it up and have found out that both spellings were still common!)


considering the track record that changelings have, I think it's cool that they're descended from such, since in most stories you hear about the changeling child being found and eliminated >:T


I totally get the thing with not finding the right word, too! when Draco and I were reading it, we were like "wait a moment, this looks familiar..." because honestly, we've all done that before!


I'm really looking forward to reading how you tweak Chander's bio, and I'm also eager to see all of the children in the rp interact < 3


honestly, I've personally been fretting over "do we do too much??" with reviewing people's characters, though I know that being able to bounce things with Draco and get your guys' input on our input really makes it more like we wanted this to be, which is just smoothing out the edges so there's no questions and such. (and also why I'd like to see this roleplay find a way to go long-term, so that we can keep seeing and using all of these nice characters that everyone has * ^*)
 
@Shmivian 


Wisp and I discussed your character, who I think is pretty... cool. Most of this is for clarification on the character, which should only be a little rewording and adding some sentences in the biography. Either than that, I think the biography is very interesting -- I get a good feeling that the character will have quite the adventure ahead of her!


So, when her personality is described as crazy, I assume it means in the context of eccentric. Is that what you meant?
Also, I'm not sure if this was discussed before, but as Wisp and I mentioned previously in another feedback: try not to interchangeably use sorcerer with witch, wizard, or warlock. I know that this wasn't done in the profile, but it's just a tip for future reference! Just so we don't hit that point and then have to explain it. No worries about such though.
Does April currently have a shop up in New York or is she still looking around? I would like clarification in the bio about such so we're on the same page. It sounds like she's still looking, and just recently went to New York to check it out? 
Also, is she moved into New York at the moment or is she currently visiting? Just another clarification to know for what she is doing presently. 
My last comment would be on the relationship list. The relationship list is ideally for characters in the roleplay as opposed to npcs, which her family would be npcs unless you plan on putting them into the roleplay as characters with profiles 'n all. Just wanted to clear that up!


And that's really it! After some clarifications, preferably discussed and in the bio, then we'll most likely accept your character. If you have questions or statements for us, feel free to ping us.
 
@Shmivian Alright, everything looks good! Your profile's accepted by Wisp and I, and we'll have April linked up to the directory as soon as possible.

the joke is Wisp already linked your character up because i told them before hand before posting this i just discovered this right now
 
Alright, sorry for taking so long. I believe I've updated my characters as much as I can to my memory! I changed the spelling of Helsing, made a couple of word modifications, and... I think I took the sci-fi element out of Chander's backstory? I'm not entirely certain, I tried to combine @Wisp's suggestion into it since it seemed to connect a bit more. I hope everything's alright for them!
 
@Smol Unicorn It's alright! Wisp and I have reviewed your profile, and we approve of it! Anna and her two very cute children will be linked up in the children directory (unless Wisp beat me to it and already did it while I was writing this... again)!
 
@Unimaginable_16 hello!! so sorry for the wait! Draco and I needed to make sure that we could properly coordinate to discuss your profile.


like with Salex's character, Leon, we're going to hold Whitney to the same standards - could you please make her at least 27, if she's going to be a full-fledged lawyer? younger would be alright for a law student, though.


with the relationships section, as we've mentioned to others, it's for relationships that are directly affected in the rp, not for npcs! (Jocasta can be mentioned in Whitney's bio, of course!)


aside from that, I personally wouldn't consider a photographic memory an ability (albeit being impressive), but you're free to leave it if you want! (that section was really intended more for abnormal abilities, not talents or skills. most of the humans without such have talents and skills listed, though!)
 
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Wisp said:
@Unimaginable_16 hello!! so sorry for the wait! Draco and I needed to make sure that we could properly coordinate to discuss your profile.


like with Salex's character, Leon, we're going to hold Whitney to the same standards - could you please make her at least 27, if she's going to be a full-fledged lawyer? younger would be alright for a law student, though.


with the relationships section, as we've mentioned to others, it's for relationships that are directly affected in the rp, not for npcs! (Jocasta can be mentioned in Whitney's bio, of course!)


aside from that, I personally wouldn't consider a photographic memory an ability (albeit being impressive), but you're free to leave it if you want! (that section was really intended more for abnormal abilities, not talents or skills. most of the humans without such have talents and skills listed, though!)
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Okay I believe I fixed everything. I just left the photographic memory in abilities, I hope that's okay and I fixed the relationships. 
 
I see that the whole "ping dracogenius and i" thing back in the character directory has been working out really well. But 'tis fine if it means that I am mistaken as a silent observer. Or that I am... Or i'm easily forgotTEN WHEEZES


@FireMaiden @Wisp 



Hello! Wisp and I went over Bailey Powell and compiled a list of things we would like to go over with you.
 

  • First and foremost, I would recommend going over your profile again to fix a few typos here and there. The ones that stood out to me the most were "as as s" and "huamn".
  • Second, just to make this clear for hopefully the second-last time because I don't think this was clarified at all on the profile character sheet: you do not need to write in npc relations. The relationship section is for other player-characters, i.e. Tyr! Except, you know, until Tyr is accepted... Yeah. Nevertheless, it's for characters currently int he roleplay like Ariel, Annabelle, etc.. I apologize if that's not very clear. It's totally not your fault and I apologize for the inconvenience. Speaking of which Wisp clarify this on the character sheet. 
  • Third, after looking a bit into automatic writing, the ability to write without using one's hand doesn't fit the bill. This ability is more spiritual, psychic-medium involved. Automatic writing is under the concept that someone is writing words without conscious writing them; as if they are a vessel for, say, a spirit and as they are in the action of writing, they are not aware of what they are putting down on the paper. They produce the words without being aware. Also, I would like to tap into the idea of this telekinetic power Bailey has: is there a limit to what she can move, such as a weight limit or material?
  • Fourth, there should be more clarification as to why falling on her head caused her bulimia to disappear. It says that she recovered from it after a nasty fall, and though it mentions she as in the hospital, she appears to be just fine afterwards. Did she receive therapy or suffer from a concussion from the fall, or amnesia? Some clarification would be nice.
  • Last of all, we would like to see some life clarifications. What's her station at the bakery? The baker or cashier? If there's delivery at the bakery does she do that; is she a delivery girl? Which borough is her apartment in? Her apartment sounds very nice, but big kitchen and nice-sized living room doesn't seem to fit the description of a small apartment. It would be nice to make it a little more consistent of description. 

Those things are the only things that really stood out for us and would like to discuss and/or see modified. 
 
 
Dracogenius said:
I see that the whole "ping dracogenius and i" thing back in the character directory has been working out really well. But 'tis fine if it means that I am mistaken as a silent observer. Or that I am... Or i'm easily forgotTEN WHEEZES


@FireMaiden @Wisp 



Hello! Wisp and I went over Bailey Powell and compiled a list of things we would like to go over with you.
 

  • First and foremost, I would recommend going over your profile again to fix a few typos here and there. The ones that stood out to me the most were "as as s" and "huamn".
  • Second, just to make this clear for hopefully the second-last time because I don't think this was clarified at all on the profile character sheet: you do not need to write in npc relations. The relationship section is for other player-characters, i.e. Tyr! Except, you know, until Tyr is accepted... Yeah. Nevertheless, it's for characters currently int he roleplay like Ariel, Annabelle, etc.. I apologize if that's not very clear. It's totally not your fault and I apologize for the inconvenience. Speaking of which Wisp clarify this on the character sheet. 
  • Third, after looking a bit into automatic writing, the ability to write without using one's hand doesn't fit the bill. This ability is more spiritual, psychic-medium involved. Automatic writing is under the concept that someone is writing words without conscious writing them; as if they are a vessel for, say, a spirit and as they are in the action of writing, they are not aware of what they are putting down on the paper. They produce the words without being aware. Also, I would like to tap into the idea of this telekinetic power Bailey has: is there a limit to what she can move, such as a weight limit or material?
  • Fourth, there should be more clarification as to why falling on her head caused her bulimia to disappear. It says that she recovered from it after a nasty fall, and though it mentions she as in the hospital, she appears to be just fine afterwards. Did she receive therapy or suffer from a concussion from the fall, or amnesia? Some clarification would be nice.
  • Last of all, we would like to see some life clarifications. What's her station at the bakery? The baker or cashier? If there's delivery at the bakery does she do that; is she a delivery girl? Which borough is her apartment in? Her apartment sounds very nice, but big kitchen and nice-sized living room doesn't seem to fit the description of a small apartment. It would be nice to make it a little more consistent of description. 

Those things are the only things that really stood out for us and would like to discuss and/or see modified. 
 
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Okay, that'll be fixed soon. Oh, and the typos are mostly because I'm on moblie.
 
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