Journal Blocked

CelestiaEmber

New Member
Have you ever felt "blocked"?

Not from someone on discord or a game, but life?

Recently, I have. I feel like there is this invisible wall keeping me from people. I've tried knocking on it, even reaching out, but I always hit that wall.

Now it's to the point where I'm so tired and frustrated from trying to breach that barrier that I feel no more motivation to continue doing so. Not to mention that the people on the other side seem to look at me like I'm some of the kind odd experiments that went wrong in a lab. Though maybe not physically, everything else that makes up me.

My thoughts and my ideas seem to only exist on my side of the barrier and can't coexist on the other.

However, there are times when I see a few figures will touch the wall, to attempt to reach out to me. Though I'm so bruised from my escape attempts, I'm afraid this is just another trick the Separation wants to play on me.

Hesitantly, I reach out, gently resting the pads of my fingers over theirs but not daring to further my palm. They urge me to trust, to give them their hand, to reach through and fall in their arms.

I'm too scared to

What if they are just like the others? I'm pretty sure I saw them emerge from the crowd earlier.

I don't trust them, many have tried this before, only them to jerk away or even for me to slam that barrier back in their face. It's become a sort of protection to me. As much as I hate it, sometimes I rely on it.

And just like the others, they turn their back to me and rejoin the crowd, no explanations, nothing.

I'm tired of trying to reaching out. There are a few who have stayed at my side, who have crossed over and embraced me. It's only a matter of time when, slowly, they too begin to disappear.

They are leaving me alone once again.

The others say be productive; I'm scared, my brain screams to me lullabies of fear every time I try.

Reach out; I have, maybe the problem is with me?

Stop thinking that; I don't know where the breaks are on this runaway train!

Get help; I want to, but what if they prove to be just like the others. Don't you see my scars?

Look for groups; They end up being more shadows beyond the barrier.

Now once they see that they can't help, they get frustrated. I understand I WANT you to help me. Believe me; I wish your words were the cure and that I could 'fix' me. You have no idea how much I want to grant yours.

But I can't.

Because I'm still Blocked.
 
I would definately talk to a professional about this. Especially at this point in time when we are all quite literally isolated from other humans, it’s just going to exacerbate the underlying issue which could become actively dangerous to your continued health.
 

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