Among the Stars - Main thread

Adira glanced over to the pot on the stove and got up to check it, then took it off the flame. "It's done, actually. And I've really got no Captain-y things to do, so I'd be glad to help you." At least he seemed to be getting more comfortable - it was a start anyway. She didn't need their mechanic dropping dead of a heart attack from being uncomfortable around people. Besides, she really did have nothing to do until Richmond was free again, so why not be useful? Of course, now she could only hope that he wouldn't panic since she had actually agreed.

Solar Daddy Solar Daddy
 
Silas wanted to prove that he wasn't insane to at least some of his crew, considering they've only been with him for a short while. Luckily Adira seemed to not only be unchanged by his mood that day, but encouraging as well. He'd already had a mental breakdown, but he wasn't like that all the time - it was just something about Richmond that made him almost unable to function. He was a living culmination of all Silas' failures, and that didn't sit right with him. Of all the people in the universe, he ended up on the same ship as him. "Oh, wonderful." Silas stood and gave a glance at her, excited to have someone to talk to. Being as introverted as he was made it difficult to break out of his shell, but with Adira it seemed a bit easier. Maybe it was the way she talked to him? He didn't know, but as long as she was kind to him, he'd be kind right back.

Dragongal Dragongal
 
Michael laughed, handing the lighter over to him, slightly surprised that he took a cigarette himself. "Oh i'm ecstatic about it Argus, just pure excitement about it." He laughed over the sarcasm, returning to his normal tone of voice "No, in all seriousness. I'm just stalling, the longer I don't have to go out there and talk to someone that isn't one of my higher ups, or have to go get a check up from some doctor that's probably more antisocial than me, the better." loyalwolf loyalwolf
 
Sam had anticipated Richmond's request, and of course he'd long since figured out a form fitting answer to it. But for some reason that didn't feel right to answer, because it was the first time he'd even had to answer such a question. Hearing it spoken out loud somehow got a part of his mind that wasn't analytic working, a part of him he'd hidden from the beginning. Sometimes loathed, sometimes loved for how it made him him... and now it was laid out in front of him this little voice in the back of his head cut through. Why, why did you break? Why... why why why... The one single thing he wasn't supposed to do, question. But now he did.
Realising he had been quiet for a while, he just gave a very empty smile to start, giving him just a bit more time to figure an answer out to this question he'd never before bothered to ask. The answer he came to however wasn't one he liked to admit to.
"Yeah well... I'm know to be faulty, it's all over my files. Back in the facility they called it buggy? But maybe that was just to keep me from being human. I'm not very good with this, but, does it happen to other people that their memories get everywhere? Like, all in my world is that, even if all the data tells me it's not really out there. At the time the memories were made I did what was necessary, but I guess when I'm in the kitchen or my bed there's no need for that and then I just get... afraid... all the things I couldn't be then. I don't know if this even makes sense..." As he spoke he didn't really look towards Richmond, as much as he was focussing intently on formulating what it was that happened. It was hard to speak out loud what he felt inside, it worked better when he pretended Richmond wasn't even there and he told it to himself instead. Part of him was relieved when it left him, but another part was terribly anxious that now it was out of his mind, it turned out he was nothing like real people either. Like he was outlandish and alien for feeling like this, just like he was strange and odd for feeling as an INANES at all. Or what if it was completely normal, but he couldn't handle it because he was too much of a robot?
"Is this what people feel?"

S StrawBarry
 
Sam frowned lightly at Richmond's words, not disagreeing but clearly looking for a clarification. He didn't really know how one would address emotions, but he was trying his best to match definitions to what his body told him he felt.
"Fear, pain, anger, loss, grief... disgusted... sorry... a lot of things. Of what they did to me, and I did to others and I didn't do for others. You know, I can't forget, it's all digital." Looking up at Richmond he made a quick gesture at his head, as if it would help his words. "But they had ways to erase the digital, to erase who I had killed, I think. I can't recall the names or the faces but it feels in everything else I do remember like there's little... wisps of them left. Empty places, which I can't seem to fill in with anything but static... and at times when I'm about to fall asleep, it's right there. Waiting for me, to tell me it's name... and I never can." Why was he even telling this? He'd always kept his mouth shut firmly about anything that was necessary, then why now had he broken the confidentiality of his own secrets? Why was he still doing it?
"As much as the ones I do remember hurt me... even if I see them when I close my eyes... at least they have the dignity of being remembered. But those others... there's no way that I can ever recall. And it's presence reminds me that if they get me... all I'll be is static... I'm not static..." He had trouble to keep himself together, his voice getting quiet, his sight turned inwards as he tried to face the wiped parts of his memory again only to instead face a reality he could be that he wasn't ready to acknowledge. There was nothing. They could make him all nothing. He didn't want to be nothing. "I have a name now... not like them." Reminding himself was reassuring, knowing that he wasn't erased if he could. Still his hands drifted to the back of his neck like there was a stinging bug there, something paining him. For a moment he fought against tears until he very barely managed to find himself on the edge.
Relaxing slightly, he knew he didn't have to worry now, that those concerns were moot now he was here in Verglas. Here amongst his crew. Even if it changed and mismatched it was his crew, and he liked it so much. Just because to them he wasn't INANES 042/13, and he wouldn't ever be. Never again. Richmond was his crew too, and when he looked up to him there seemed to be a very melancholic peace on Sam's face now he'd figured that out for himself. Aside from these very quiet streaks of tears on his face at least...
"I don't think I'm doing this psychiatry thing right." A bitter smile followed his statement

S StrawBarry
 
Adira walked into Silas's room. It was a mess, with panels missing from the wall and ceiling, and there were tools everywhere. Obviously only a mechanic could live there comfortably, but Adira admired the fact that he had basically made it his own in a way - knowing him, we would probably end up removing every panel in the room and reconfiguring any wiring ten times over. Maybe that was what helped him get to sleep. Adira couldn't begrudge him that at all. She chuckled at the sight so he wouldn't feel awkward, and said, "I see you've been hard at work. So, which of these pipes needs work done?" Even if he didn't want to talk, she was ready to help him work.
 
During Richmond's attempt to more or less reassure him, Saami had calmed down slightly. This certainly wasn't how he'd envisioned it'd go, even though he knew he was struggling with himself. It'd never been this easy for it to all boil over in his head, but maybe ranting to Richmond held a special ease somehow. He still wasn't sure if that was the right way to go about this, or if this was how it was supposed to go; still part of him apparently needed it.
Quickly wiping away the tears from his cheeks and the corners of his eyes he gave a little smile at the story, even if it didn't make him happy in itself much. He did however appreciate the sentiment. "Well, I'd be afraid to die too if I had to meet my maker afterwards. I never really did relate to that part of religion. Just don't expect me to call you gods over dinner though, undermines the whole second in command thing." Admittedly he was doing a good job of the latter himself by practically swinging moods so rapidly he could probably launch them out of gravitational pull by now. It helped him sort himself out to be stupid though, like his jokes somehow would counter the pain and return him to a more agreeable mean, instead of making him just look more unstable.

Not sure how to continue from this point however a bit of a silence fell, which he used to further straighten his psyche out, at least for now.
"Thank you for listening to me I suppose, not just now but before as well. I'm not sure if it improved my files, but it did help me. So, ehm, food?" With every passing word he started to feel a bit more uncomfortable, realising that aside from mentally breaking whenever he talked to him, he really didn't seem to have many other things to talk about. The fact that Richmond was practically five times his conscious age didn't really help with making the moment less awkward either.

S StrawBarry
 
Argus smiled knowing that Michael found his conversation assuming. He happily took the lighter and lite his cigarette and in hailed the smoke. He held the smoke in his lungs for a little and then exhaled. He let out a small cough as he exhaled and couldn’t help but turn red for the coughing. “As you can see, its been a while since I have done this.” Argus recalls big fancy parties that his family would go to. There were always a room dedicated to smoking. He sighed not wanting to remember those times in his life.

“the important thing Michael is that you try and communicate. Communication, is a skill just like shooting a gun. It takes practice and a willingness to put in the work and understand what yours strengthens and weaknesses are. From their you try and fix them and try getting better little by little.” Argus spoke containing to puff out little clouds of smoke. “So just look at this like a challenge Mr. sniper. I mean even our lieutenant socializes more than you do. So, after we finish here, we will be going to meet with the rest of our crew and you will lead the way.” Killershard Killershard
 
Silas admired Adira for wanting to get right to work. Although he himself was ready to just sleep for a few days in a row, there was definitely work to be done. At first glance Silas had given the new ship his imaginary Seal Of Approval (awaiting trademark,) but the more and more he gutted the ship, the more he found wrong with it. Sure, part of that was Silas removing anything from the ships innards that wasn't satisfactory to him, which was a lot. Still, he'd do his part and make sure the ship was in peak condition. He hadn't told anyone yet, but Silas had started a project to rewire most of the electrical parts of the ship to minimize power loss. The amount they'd save would be fractional, and it'd take forever to do, but it could save them if they ever got in a bad spot.
After figuring out in his head the order he'd take, Silas spoke. "Alright, I'm going to undo some stuff in the wall. In the meantime, do you think you could get the stool and work on the ceiling? The wires are connected, and I need you to tug on the correct cords when I tell you to."
 
"Sure," she said. She cleared off the stool and moved it under one of the openings where Silas had removed a panel. Despite not being the tallest woman, with the stool she made do and could easily reach the wires. Silas was a very good mechanic, so she opted not to ask if this was necessary - it probably wasn't, but if it made him happy and still worked well, then that was fine. For all she knew he simply planned on changing the layout to a more comfortable, streamlined format, which wouldn't change much at all. Hell, he could have been color coordinating the wires and she wouldn't have cared, just so long as it still worked.
 
Silas tugged on a cord, hoping it was enough for Adira to see up in the ceiling part of the electrical mess. "Can you find it?" He asked with a grunt, not in the most comfortable position trying to reach behind the wall and look into it at the same time. He figured without her reply that she could, since he had already seen it when he scanned the ceiling before, and undid the wire from the breaker. "Just keep hold of it and make sure it doesn't fall into the wall. By the end of this you'll have a ton of stuff to keep hold of." Another grunt as Silas attempted to quickly exchange one plug for the other. "By the end of this I'll owe you a big favor. Don't hesitate to cash it in on anything. I'll be just as willing as you have been with me." Silas felt a little bad for taking up Adira's time, especially since this was a far from necessary job. It was mostly to just occupy himself. As Silas said though, he'd make sure to return the favor.
 
Adira smiled at the offer to repay her. It was kind and unnecessary. Her smile faltered a bit. "You don't want to cash in a favor for me...." He told her not to hesitate. Her first instinct was to say 'I don't hesitate' but that wasn't true, was it? She had hesitated and in the middle of a battle, the worst time. How could she have let that happen? If she hesitated then, when else would she hesitate? Would someone else get hurt, maybe killed? Almost all of her crew had been killed - it wasn't her fault, but it had still happened nonetheless. Rita had been killed on a mission where Adira was in charge. Anderson had died on an expedition, so had Smith, Bowler, and Cottrell. Woods had been killed.

Adira looked at the wires in her hand, and quietly said, "C-can you take these? I need to sit down." At least she had that much composure, even when she felt dizzy, weak, and overwhelmed. But what was composure but practiced lying? That was her best skill, lying, not leading, not fighting. Why was she even there on a ship leading people into a fight that didn't directly affect her? Her being there made their chances worse anyway.
 
"Can't, Kinda in the middle of..." Silas was trying to work as fast as possible to keep from burdening Adira too much. However, thanks to his stellar social skills, he finally registered that something wasn't right with her. He looked away from the wires and saw Adira swaying a bit on the stool. He subconsciously ignored his current job and moved on to the more important one - in an instant he was helping Adira down from the chair, which wasn't difficult since she practically started falling anyway. Silas brought her to his bunk to set her down, hoping she wouldn't pass out from... Whatever was causing this. "Are you okay? What happened?" Silas' awkward shell faded away as he spoke, his care going beyond his fright. "Do you need a medic? Or Warren- Or the psychologist?" Silas hadn't even realized the overhead lights had flickered out thanks to him abandoning his work.
 
"Ah, the lieutenant socializes more than me because he has to talk to give orders and all that. Also has to look good unless he wants someone getting pissed off at him. And people getting pissed off at you can be deadly in this line of work." He laughed again when Argus talked about meeting the rest of the crew "Damn, thought I already met everyone I had to." He walked over to a drawer, cramming his cigarette into an ash tray on top of it "But I suppose I should convince people that i'm not a complete hermit." He snickered again at his own words, probably because they were true. But he wasn't going to focus on that at the moment "Just hope we don't have to kick in someone's door and get them to socialize too." loyalwolf loyalwolf
 
Adira barely heard his words, and accepted her help out of sheer necessity. She didn't know if this was a panic attack or the beginnings of a flashback or just a mental breakdown, but she knew she couldn't be there, where another person was. That would be too shameful. Weakness of any kind was shameful, it could mean death, it could mean failure, it could mean loss of her ship and the remaining members of her crew that were her family. And what was she but weak? All she did was hide it well, butat that moment, she didn't feel capable of it. It had only ever been safe to be weak around one person, and now he was dead.

So she had to hide, because she knew she couldn't stop whatever weakness this was. But to just leave without a word would be very rude, wouldn't it? She had to say something. But if she did, she felt she would begin crying. That would be horrible. But she couldn't leave silently. That would be rude.

After probably too much thought in the span of very few seconds, she said, "No, thank you, I'm sorry, I -" The tears started running down her face and her voice broke. She stood and said, "I need to go." It was too late to lock herself in her room before he saw the tears, but this was better than nothing, wasn't it? She could feel the mental strain taking its toll on her physically, with her throat feeling tight and her breathing feeling constricted, her coordination feeling off and her whole body feeling strange and weak. If she could get to her room, she could just break down and it would be fine.
 
Argus nodded when Michael explained his thoughts on the Saami’s socializing habits but Argus argued back. “I don’t know if I fully agree with that assessment of the lieutenant but then again how can you really judge any of use since you barely interact with us.” Argue had a smug smile on his face as if daring Micheal to deny his claims. Argus followed Michael back into his room and snubbed out his own cigarette in the same ashtray as Michael.

“At this point, I'm sure everyone knows you are a hermit but really the goal is to shock everyone that I got you out of your room. I should have taken bets on this.” Argus had slight regret in his voice about not making a gamble on Michael’s willingness to socialize. “I’d say we head to the kitchen! Since I don’t really know where anyone is at this point but also because of my hunger.” Argus reached into his pocket and grabbed a mint and popped into his mouth. He offered one to Michael to see if he want to get the aftertaste of the smoke out of his mouth. When they reached the kitchen he could see anyone there. He took a seat at one of the tables and sent a message to everyone on the crew.

Michael and I are about to eat in the kitchen. Invitation to anyone who wishes to join us. Also as a welcome to our new member and show him the hospitality he deserves.
 
Silas heard the buzzing in his pocket, but decided whatever it was, it wasn't as important as whatever Adira was going through. Silas grabbed her wrist on her way out - but gently, not with too much force, just enough to let her know he had something to say. "Maybe it's not the best for you to be alone right now." He noted, hoping his small knowledge of people was correct. "We don't have to work anymore, I can just keep you company. Just... I'm not sure you should be by yourself. You seem too distraught." Silas glanced back at the open door she was about to go through, then back at her. If it were him, Silas would rather be alone. But he wasn't like most people, and this was a sort of distress that wasn't just sorrow or grief. It'd be too much for one person to bear by themselves.
 
Adira didn't fight his grip on her wrist, even if it was light. She knew he was right, and that she shouldn't be alone at times like those. It was clear to her, and Sam had told her so, and so had Woods. But Sam was hurt, and Woods was dead. So did it matter if she suffered in silence? They couldn't scold her, and maybe she deserved that extra pain that came from being alone. At least then she wouldn't feel embarrassed. Not that it mattered, since Silas had already seen her tears. A new crewman, and this was what he saw of her, her weakness, her inability, her mental instability, why would he follow her into battle? Why should any of them? She was just an old, bitter, broken dog that had been kicked a few too many times. And she could either give up or keep fighting for scraps, but she didn't know why she kept fighting anymore. Maybe it was for Sam. Maybe it was for herself, maybe it was for Mira, the first person she failed, maybe it was for Vince. Maybe she ought to just retire. But then what? This was her life, her place, the thing she had tried so hard to get to. Yet if she was a failure in this, was it right for her to keep leading her crew?

At some point in all these thoughts, she had completely broken down, with her knees giving out so she sat on the floor crying with her arm over her face to hide from Silas. There was no point in trying to hide that she was upset and utterly broken, so why bother trying to leave, or even stand up again? No point in trying to stop crying either. Finally, she had just given up.
 
Silas stared down at Adira, who had made a drastic turn from where she was helping him with his mental problems moments before. He took a moment to formulate what he was going to do, then went for the door and made sure it was properly closed. He knew how demeaning it must be to be seen crying in front of the people you captain, and Silas didn't want anyone else to see if Adira didn't want them to. Hell, Silas was pretty sure she didn't want him to see either. But she let him anyway, whether by choice or by force, but Silas saw it as an honor that she'd even consider it. He slowly leaned down, moving into the same stance that she was, and put a consoling arm around her. It was awkward and he held his hand nervously over her shoulder, but figured it was the best he could do. The only words he could think of that would help were, "It's okay to cry. Don't worry."
 
Adira flinched when he put his arm around her, then relaxed and hid her face in her elbow again. She didn't care if he said it was okay, it didn't feel like it was. Slowly, though, she managed to regain, her composure to some extent and sniffed, wiping at her eyes with her hands to try to get rid of the tears. She was still upset, but she had enough control to be able to stop herself from crying more. Her body didn't seem to want her to cry anymore either though, she felt exhausted, though a little less stressed. Still, she refused to look at Silas. There was simply too much shame for her to bear at that moment. "Sorry about that," she said quietly between sniffles.
 
Silas wasn't sure if he should pull away or not. She appeared better than before, and was already regaining her captain-esque posture. Part of him wanted to pry further and see what was causing her to act this way. Maybe it was PTSD of some sort? Adira had recently gone on that mission, perhaps that was the cause? Silas wasn't sure, but he wouldn't force her if Adira didn't want to speak. Still, he wanted to ask, "Do you want to talk about it? I told you before, I'm a good listener, and a better drinking partner. I can escort you to either Warren or Lydia if you're feeling ill. Or you can just stay here. But I'll say it again because I believe it to be best advice in this situation; You shouldn't stay alone."
 
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