Chitchat A Social Question

[rae2nerdy]

So a situation has come up recently that has been confusing me and I thought I would get an outside opinion on the situation.

For context I don’t drive and usually my mom picks me up after work. But she has been out of state helping my sister with her new baby for a month and a half.

Now this has been planned for months and I worked out rides home from friends and neighbors and the bus for most of the week.

However two days I couldn’t get a ride and I asked my coworker if she could take me home, as she drives past my house on her way home.

I did this long before my mom left to makes sure I would have time to get a different ride if she couldn’t do it and she said it was fine.

She has been taking me home those two days every week since my mom left.

Last week she sent me a text that she would need gas money and that I would need to let her know that I would need a ride. And that she felt like I was taking advantage of her for a free ride.

And my confusion is that I had told her I would need the ride twice a week prior to my mom being gone. And that she has been doing this for a month and a half and only now is asking for gas money.

So I’m just wondering if this was some kind of social thing I didn’t pick up on. Like does it sound like I was taking advantage of her?

(ps : I am giving her the gas money and have found different rides from friends for the remainder of the time my mom is away)

 

[koneko-chan]

while giving someone gas money when carpooling IS a typical and normal thing to do, it is strange that she would only now begin to bring it up. from a totally outside perspective, i think there's a high chance that someone may have told her that she SHOULD be upset. it's the same way that middle schoolers will develop crushes on someone just because their friends say they'd be cute together. however, i don't know this woman or how she acts, so it might also be that she had felt that way for longer, and simply wasn't confident enough or too afraid of seeming demanding to ask you! regardless, i do understand where your confusion is coming from. it does seem a little out of the blue after a month and a half! with the information that i have, i don't think that you missed something that was glaringly obvious! i would definitely watch out for this sort of thing going forward, though. especially when it comes to those you don't consider close friends, it's best to keep from becoming indebted. at least in my opinion, i don't think either of you are TOTALLY in the wrong, but she shouldn't have left the terms of an agreement like this unclear. you may have already done this in this instance too (which only further implicates her if so), but just in case you didn't, it's best to offer gas money from the start when carpooling! even if someone refuses, they'll be grateful you were willing to put something forward. hope this helps you!! (p.s. hope your sister's baby is doing good, too!)

 

[Zombocalypse]

Pay for her gas and she'll never complain about you taking advantage of her again. If she does, she's an idiot.

The truth is, driving someone anywhere is a painful chore. But if you put money on the line, things are different. Money in modern society has a tendency to be able to buy time.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Pay for her gas and she'll never complain about you taking advantage of her again. If she does, she's an idiot.

The truth is, driving someone anywhere is a painful chore. But if you put money on the line, things are different. Money in modern society has a tendency to be able to buy time.

As I said in the original post I am giving her the money and making alternate arrangements.

I had intended to give her money when my mom returned anyway and I had more disposable income to work with.

My issue was more that she seemed to come out of the blue with “Your taking advantage of me for a free ride.”

Like there was plenty of time for you to let me know you needed gas money or that you couldn’t take me anymore.

It was just the randomness of the statement more than anything that threw me off.

 

[Zombocalypse]

As I said in the original post I am giving her the money and making alternate arrangements.

I had intended to give her money when my mom returned anyway and I had more disposable income to work with.

My issue was more that she seemed to come out of the blue with “Your taking advantage of me for a free ride.”

Like there was plenty of time for you to let me know you needed gas money or that you couldn’t take me anymore.

It was just the randomness of the statement more than anything that threw me off.

People out-of-the-blue saying something unusual is actually very normal because people are fickle.

Are you gonna be fine though? Not that I can help but I do hope you get the ride you need in one way or another while your mom is gone. lol

Life without your own car is tough unless you live in one of those US cities where taking the train is the norm instead of the exception.

 

[Idea]

While I am not the best at social cues myself, around where I live it is taken for granted that if someone offers you a ride, or you ask for a ride and someone offers you one as a result, that this ride is being given as a favor and as such it is viewed as greedy and rude to ask for money over it.

 

[rae2nerdy]

People out-of-the-blue saying something unusual is actually very normal because people are fickle.

Are you gonna be fine though? Not that I can help but I do hope you get the ride you need in one way or another while your mom is gone. lol

Life without your own car is tough unless you live in one of those US cities where taking the train is the norm instead of the exception.

Yeah I was able to ask my neighbor to pick me up one of the days and I had enough money left over from my last paycheck to get a ride with the bus the second day.

Luckily my mom comes back in three weeks so it’s not that many more rides.

 

[Onmyoji]

I think she either forgot to ask you about gas money from the start, or she forgot that you told her that you'll need those rides for a period of time and not just once or twice. And this is why she only remembered now. Or maybe she finally sat down and calculated her car expenses and found it's a bit more than expected. There could be many reasons.

Among my friends we wouldn't directly ask for gas money in such situation but it's normal to invite them for a coffee or something along these lines and pay for them. Which is giving money in return anyway, just spent in a different way.

Either way, I don't think you should take it badly. It's not an uncommon practice to ask for gas money, especially if you're aren't very close friends and it's not a one-time ride and you need the rides systematically, even if not often.
Good that you already made other arrangements though!

 

[rae2nerdy]

I think she either forgot to ask you about gas money from the start, or she forgot that you told her that you'll need those rides for a period of time and not just once or twice. And this is why she only remembered now. Or maybe she finally sat down and calculated her car expenses and found it's a bit more than expected. There could be many reasons.

Among my friends we wouldn't directly ask for gas money in such situation but it's normal to invite them for a coffee or something along these lines and pay for them. Which is giving money in return anyway, just spent in a different way.

Either way, I don't think you should take it badly. It's not an uncommon practice to ask for gas money, especially if you're aren't very close friends and it's not a one-time ride and you need the rides systematically, even if not often.
Good that you already made other arrangements though!

I wasn't taking it badly really just a little worried I had missed some kind of subtle social cue. That's why I posted it to this site, I figured having an outside perspective would help me figure out if I had just missed something or if I was being overly paranoid. From what the consensus is, yeah I missed a subtle social cue but not a universal one or a major one.

 

[Windsock]

Why didn't you think of gas money in the first place?

 

[rae2nerdy]

Why didn't you think of gas money in the first place?

I had intended to pay her back when my mom came back and I had more disposable income.

 

[Windsock]

Did you mention this?

 

[rae2nerdy]

Did you mention this?

Not directly no.