[
Erato
,
Fyuri
,
Sia
]
--> Mentioned:
Erato
The following three weeks flew and yet seemed endless. Miyako had feared that her wonder and enjoyment of the sea would grow to discontent and a longing for the shore, but their days grew so full that she hardly ever thought about what would happen once they reached port.
In the mornings she rose feeling full of vibrant
life, inching away from the warmth of Koda’s back to slip from beneath the covers. The morning chill would send goosebumps across her skin, cold floorboards chasing away what remained of sleep. The instant she had finished changing into her clothes she would go to their wash basin and let her fingers rest against the surface of the water. Then, her eyes would close, she would slow her breathing, and call out with her spirit.
Every time she felt herself connect with the magic of the water she would find herself utterly breathless. It was so very
vast. It surrounded them; in the air, in their bodies, in the food they ate, and obviously in the ocean itself. Summoning any kind of water that could be of practical use wasn’t even close to being a reality for her, but in practicing her cultivation she could at least feel the indescribable
wonder of the water magic as it wreathed through her.
Their days were repetitive in a sense, but never dull. Once Koda was also awake and they had scarfed down the pitiful fare that the ship’s cook called a ‘meal,’ the pair would find somewhere to settle, and lessons would begin. They would sit in companionable silence to work on cultivation, or Miyako would practice singing, or she would help Koda refine his whistling—so that he might accompany her while she sang. To
that end, Koda professed a desire to learn instruments and Miyako had no intention of denying him anything she could grant him… for everything he had done, and was doing, he deserved that much and more.
A sailor allowed himself to be cajoled into lending them his shamisen for the duration of the trip and so lessons in that had also begun. It was nearing Koda’s second week of diligent work in learning it. Nearly the end of their fourth week total of sailing. One week remained until the captain estimated they would reach Shixiang and lately, growing with every passing day, Miyako had begun to feel a weight of guilt in her chest. But it was not due to any anxiety over the impending end of their voyage.
She harboured a secret knowledge. A discovery in herself that she was terrified to admit to. One that was also rendered inescapable by simple virtue of their forced nearness; her feelings towards Koda had changed. Part of her knew that this was probably inevitable. He had saved her life with his open-handed kindness on that first cold dawn beside the road. Then he had saved her again; staying her hand just when she had believed she had the strength to do the honourable thing. More than that, he had agreed to take responsibility for her, to shelter and protect her, even though Miyako offered him nothing of equal value in return. Those things alone were enough to make any sensible woman fall in love with him, but there was more to it than that.
Four weeks now, she had spent side by side with him. Sharing his bed, waking together, taking meals together, walking together, laughing together, and discovering a breadth and depth to life that she hadn’t thought possible for herself. Magic. Swimming lessons! The chance of a
future. And even when she had pulled away from him, when she had refused to tell him of her past, he had accepted her. Even now, the thought of that was enough to nearly bring tears to her eyes. That such a man could even exist! That was, perhaps, the worst part of it all.
Koda was the sort of man she had always secretly wished would sweep her away. He was warm, kind, gentle, intelligent, cared for her, did not restrict her freedom and beyond all of that she found herself attracted to him physically as well. It caused an acrid pit to open in her stomach that made her want to weep. Bad enough that she had lived in the first place. To now want something beyond that, to wish for his love, was unacceptable. Not least of all because Miyako was sure he would hate her when he knew the truth.
It left her with only one choice.
The air this morning was cool, but it did not have any real bite to it. They were seated on the deck, on a favourite bench. Miyako’s fingers moved idly over Koda’s as she adjusted the position of his fingering for a particular chord. “My husband committed seppuku. Because of his failure to protect the previous emperor.” Her voice and fingers trembled as she said it, fear making the words nearly choke her. “As a wife of a daimyo, because that was what I was, I was meant to commit seppuku with him. But I couldn't do it, Koda. After his vassal shoved the sword into my hand and told me to go do my duty I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to push in the blade. So, I ran.” Miyako shuddered and pulled herself away from him, arms wrapping tightly around herself as she kept her gaze pinned on the deck. "I'm a dishonourable coward. I've shamed his family name and mine... and that of my ancestors." Her eyes squeezed shut, "If you push me overboard, I would accept that as just.”
For a moment only silence greeted her words. Miyako supposed it was understandable. Undoubtedly, he was shocked, perhaps even attempting to decide how best to mete out the punishment she deserved. Her heart ached, bracing for his judgment.
“I… I won’t push you overboard, Miyako,” he said at last, his voice firm in her ears. She flinched, waiting for the other shoe to fall. But it didn’t. “My condolences, Miyako. But I don’t understand. How would you giving up your life honor anyone?”
Miyako's brows tugged together, her heart stuttering anxiously in her chest. “I don't know how or why, but honour demands my death. That's the way things are. Why is the sky blue? Where does the wind come from? They simply are.” Her arms tightened around herself, “And t-there's nothing to offer condolences for. I saw Katsuhide only a handful of times and even then, it was only to--" she didn't need to elaborate. "Me being alive is wrong. If I were to return, if they saw that I lived, I would be put to death immediately and branded an honourless coward. That's the way the world is.” She managed a choked laugh, “I was married for barely a few months to a man who only cared to be with me in bed, who said barely a dozen words to me, and with his death I was told to die too. That is the world I come from.”
“You being alive is good. I cannot believe they would want to see you dead, Miyako. I cannot believe your late husband would wish it either. But perhaps I should try. I am sorry. I am grateful you were brave enough to put that sword away, Miyako. I am grateful you are here.”
The more that Koda spoke, the more Miyako trembled. It felt strangely surreal. That this secret, one she had firmly believed would ruin her in the eyes of anyone who knew it, ruin her in Koda's eyes, was instead met by his disapproval. Not for her actions but for those of the world and people who had led her to this situation in the first place. More than that, he called her brave for failing to kill herself. Said that he was grateful she was here. Of all the things she had thought about herself, of all the ways she had viewed her actions, bravery had never crossed her mind. She still could not believe that what she'd done had been brave, but for Koda to say it... He wouldn't lie to her. Which meant this was how he truly felt. He didn't hate her. His face was not full of the cold disdain she had imagined it would hold. Miyako's composure crumpled and a half sob choked its way out. Her fingers dug into the tops of her thighs as she trembled to control herself, but her tongue had a mind of its own. "I'm... I don't deserve this kind of grace, but I can't help but be happy, Koda, because I'm falling in love with you and I couldn't bear to hide this from you." What self-control she had left was truly gone after that and she dissolved into deep, frame-shaking, sobs.
For a moment there was a shocked stillness in the air. “Are you well?” he asked her at last, even as one of his hands began to soothingly smooth over her back while the other worked to unclench her fingers. Then, he inched nearer to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders as soon as her fingers no longer pinched her skin.
Miyako’s shaking sobs transformed briefly into a choked laugh "I don't know if I'm well. I was sure you would hate me. So many nights I've imagined it in my mind; You looking at me like that vassal did, like I was already d-dead, worthless," the tears returned again but not with so much fierceness that she could not speak. "And I knew I c-couldn't avoid it any more today, because I finally had to admit to myself that I feel something more than friendship for you. Even though I... I don't think I deserve to be happy, not with what I did, even if you don't hate me for it." But selfishly she could not stop herself from burrowing into his strong arms, drinking deeply of the safety, comfort and warmth they offered her.
“Oh, Miyako. You deserve happiness,” his arms tightened around her. “And I want you to be happy. I care for you, too. I... I’m sorry, this is all very new to me.”
The tightening of Koda’s arms around her was soothing, but it was his words that struck her most. That he believed she deserved happiness, that he wanted her to be happy, perhaps most of all that he cared about her too. Of course, caring for her could be interpreted many ways and she couldn’t be sure which way he meant. Miyako took in a deep, steadying, breath, allowing his comforting to work on her until the sobs abated. Her eyes felt puffy, her body weary, but she’d come this far and to leave it like this was not good enough. “When you say you care for me, what do you mean?” Her stomach pitched nervously, knowing his answer would change things one way or the other. “Do you feel the same as me? Or do you only mean you care for me as a friend?”
He laughed warmly and drew her even closer. “And you call me an idiot. The same, of course. You’ve made a monk fall properly in love with you.”
Warmth bloomed in her chest and spread throughout every inch of her being as Koda answered her question. The anguish, guilt and fear which had weighed her down all these weeks was lifted for the moment, replaced with a transcendent happiness that made her want to weep all over again. She turned in Koda’s arms so she could look at him, lifting her hands to brush her fingers gently across his face where she then rested them lightly. “I don’t think I deserve you, Koda, but that doesn’t change the fact that I think I love you,” a tremulous smile crossed her lips as her heart began to pound, “And selfish though it is... I can be a little glad of my cowardice, if only because it led me to you.” She lifted her head to press a kiss against his jawline.
“You deserve everything,” came his reply, his hand covering hers.
Dimly, she wondered whether it was his racing heart that she felt or if it were her own. Miyako liked to believe it was both. Two hearts pounding wildly to the same rhythm, one that they alone shared. The radiant smile stretching across her face only brightened further as Koda settled one of his hands over hers, the flush of his cheeks and roughness of his voice taking her breath away as she realized the effect she was having on him. She was similarly effected, the high flush of her own cheeks attributed far more to him than to her tears, the swelling and fluttering of her heart also owed to Koda. "You're the sun to me, you know," her expression softened further, feeling the rightness of the words as they settled in her chest, "You lit my life when there was nothing but shadows before," she glanced away shyly, embarrassed. "I didn't think a man like you could ever exist. Anything you want of me, it's yours. All of me. Gladly."
“If you stop asking me to throw you overboard that would be a good start,” the tease made her smile, but his next words made her blush only deepen. “I am yours, too, Miyako,” he said to her, “Gladly.”
All the world around them seemed to fade to nothing, until only the pair of them existed. Their conversation shifted into a playful flirtation, Koda blushing furiously at every teasing remark she aimed his way. He’d never kissed anyone, never had any sort of relationship, but for all of Miyako’s bravado… she might as well have never had one either. The physical mechanics of intimacy were something she had some experience with, but an actual
connection with a man,
love was something she knew as much about as he did. Now, though, she allowed herself the freedom to daydream a little bit.
Off-handedly, Miyako mused about them having children of their own someday—perhaps raising orphans as well—and much to her shock it brought tears to Koda’s eyes.
He had been abandoned by his parents at Ennai, he told her. An orphan himself. The mere suggestion of them taking in abandoned children like he had been clearly meant a great deal to him and Miyako felt her heart swell in a surge of affection and protectiveness. While she had breath in her lungs, Miyako intended to never let anything pull her away from him. She’d keep an extra close eye on their coin purse as well, that one day they might be able to give a home to children like him.
Their conversation shifted once more back to sweet flirtation, and in her playful teasing about his innocence and inability to touch her, Koda proved her very wrong. Much to Miyako’s shock, he kissed her in truth. And it was bliss.
The following week passed in a blur. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a quiet voice whispered that this happiness could not last, but Miyako briskly waved it away. If that were true, then it was all the more reason to revel in every moment they spent together now. Discovering the depth of their feelings and having no obligations to anything beyond each other.
No longer did she spend the night curled against his back. Now, Koda turned to hold her, tucking Miyako securely against his chest where she slept more deeply and happily than she had anywhere else in her life. Their days carried on much as they had before, only there was a fresh warmth between them. A knowledge of feelings given and received, a knowledge that only seemed to bond them more tightly together.
At the first glimpse of land far in the distance, Miyako found herself ecstatic to finally reach it. To see new sights and experience this new life beside the man she was choosing for herself.
They docked by the end of the fifth week. Koda returned the shamisen to the sailor who had lent it to them, and the captain bid them good travels. But the excitement that she had felt when they’d seen the coast in the distance was morphed into something heavy and apprehensive in her chest.
Shixiang was
busy. There were people everywhere, many of them casting curious glances towards the uncommon dainty beauty who stood beside an albino man. Miyako had forgotten about the weight of such scrutiny. Onboard the ship the sailors had grown used to them and their odd ways quite quickly, accepting them as a part of their daily view in a way that had made her feel delightfully invisible. It had made her feel
safe, especially considering the fact that Koda was branded a traitor.
Nervously, Miyako threaded her arm through Koda’s as they walked through the crowds, pressing her side against his for the comfort his touch offered her. “So, where exactly are we going from here?”