Sherwood

Lance is a very uncommon name now days.

In the olden times, people were called Lance a lot.

In the old days, overuse of the comma was considered to be a serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

It is very rare for a defibulator to fail, but when it does, no one is shocked.

Recently, I was at a Irish wedding.

At one point, someone yelled out, "All the married men, stand next to the one that has made your life worth living!"

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

"gonna take a lot to drag me away from you / There's noting a hundred men or more could ever do..."
So why is this singer not with his love right now? Here is my theory.

In Toto's 'Africa', why is the speaker in Africa in the first place?
Answer: He's "looking for some long forgotten words or ancient melodies"
He is a student of the occult.

Why has the singer of the song gone to Africa, leaving his love behind in order to hunt some old folklore? He tells you, "I seek to cure what lies deep inside / frightened of this thing that I've become."

In other words, he's a goddamned werewolf.

"Wild dogs cry out in the night"
Hate to break it to you, but those aren't dogs. . . .

Why does he bless the rains down in Africa? Because it blocks the light of the full moon.

In summation, the song is about a werewolf in love seeking a cure for his condition in the depths of Africa.

Keep this in mind for next Christmas: Santa is a Great Old One. Consider:
Capable of instantaneous travel across the globe; he spans nations,
Many unpaid minions that live only to do his bidding, including eight hooved flying monstrosities. Nine if you count He Who Glows,
He himself is all seeing, all knowing,
Used to scare children into good behavior,
Offers extremely conditional gifts,
His belly is swelled greatly by offerings, described as "gelatinous" (shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly),
Despite this, he is "Lively and Quick",
Are we certain he has no tentacles? Look under the beard!
And his yearly festivals drive his worshipers insane.

Found out that my neighbor's four sons all want to be valets when they grow up.
Its the worst case of parking sons' disease that I've ever heard of.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane!

I keep randomly shouting out "Broccoli!" at strange times, and went to my doctor to find out why.

He says I have Florets Syndrome.

What if deja vu means you just lost a life and are respawning at the last checkpoint?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what happens if a doctor eats an apple?

I may not post much here, but your puns crack me up, bud! =)

Earlier today, my doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream.

Can't wait to rub it in.

A successful mine is totally unheard of.

But that goes without saying.

Someone in town has been stealing shirts based on their size.

Apparently, he's still at large.

When an escaped prisoner is caught camping out in the woods, it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

A TV weatherman broke both of his arms and legs. He had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

Take old, empty toilet paper rolls and cut eye holes in them. Then, put lit up glow sticks inside them, then stick them in bushes around people's houses at night to really freak them out.

Me: I'm writing a book, but its kinda boring. Should I kill off a few characters in it to make it better?
Friend: What kind of book is it?
Me: An autobiography.

I found the bottom right corner of the Excel sheet. It is XFD1048576.

Evil Tip: change your text to white, then type a 0 in the box. When someone tries to print the document, it will eat up a whole ream of paper.

give us the pun pun man

A sea creature that likes to use the doorbell should be called the Knock Less Monster.

Did you hear that Wal Mart is going to add dental clinics to their stores?

There will be an express lane for people with 12 or less teeth.

8:00 am: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
3:00 pm: Too tired to think
11:00 pm: How do dragons blow out birthday candles?

I just learned that the official medical term for owning too many dogs is a 'roverdose'.