Sherwood

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  • I believe that a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects would simply have made towns big enough for everyone.
    God: How many more animals are there to create?
    Angel: Two.
    God: And how many legs do we have left?
    Angel: One hundred.
    Centipede: Dibs!
    Snake: Asshole!
    The Beauty Industry:
    For men: this can be used as shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouthwash, toothpaste, engine degreaser, spackle or sunscreen.
    For women: we have a special bottle for your left elbow.
    I overheard a guy at Target the other day trying to return a pile of 30-some odd pool noodles. When the cashier asked him why, the guy says, "The shopping list just said noodles. Boy, was my wife mad!"
    God and the Mammoth are having a conversation:
    Mammoth: I want you to take out the dinosaurs. <slips him a stack of bills>
    God: <pocketing the money> How do you want it to happen?
    Mammoth: Make it look like an accident.
    God: I'll hit em with a rock.
    Mammoth: I said an accident.
    God: A big-ass space rock!
    *during the creation of the kangaroo*
    God: Ok, so the deer was a big hit. Lets work off of that.
    Angel 1: What if it could carry its offspring with it for protection?
    God: That's kinda weak, but we'll add it.
    Angel 2: What if it could kick the shit out of you?
    God: There it is.
    I am not in denial, I am just selective in the reality that I accept.
    LegoLad659
    LegoLad659
    That's almost as poetic as "I'm not in denial because I'm not in denial."
    Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
    What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?

    2 Kilomockingbirds! Ha!
    Idea
    Idea
    Kilomockingbirds sounds like “kill all mocking birds”
    My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. I took her to a Subway. That's when the fight started.
    Daisie
    Daisie
    Heck, I hope whoever I marry will be both witty and brave enough to pull that crap on me
    Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood, making pancakes more important than family.
    Ever since Universal made the '50 Shades of Gray' movies, I've been wondering if there will be a corresponding ride at their theme parks.
    Young girls now days are obsessed with the idea of having a thigh gap.

    I blame the impossible body standards set by SpongeBob SquarePants.
    LegoLad659
    LegoLad659
    Everyone can have as big a thigh gap as they want if their stance is wide enough
    A new study suggests that fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have kids, chances are that you won't either.
    Not a single person asked me if I could run fast in my new shoes. Being an adult is stupid.
    LegoLad659
    LegoLad659
    They secretly know that your new shoes are actually Sonic's sneakers
    Idea
    Idea
    Sonic, you’re not yourself when you’re hungry. Have these sneakers.
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