Not a single person asked me if I could run fast in my new shoes. Being an adult is stupid.
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Interviewer: Why do you think you would be a great waiter?
Me: Lets just say . . . I bring a lot to the table!
Interviewer: Holy crap.
Wife: Can you pick up a gallon of milk?
Me: <Lifts gallon> Yeah, its pretty easy.
Wife: I meant from the store.
Me: I would imagine that they weigh the same there.
Wife: You need to relax. Not everyone is a clone.
Me: My real wife wouldn't say that.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: Ok, so, what is your greatest weakness?
Me: Those beautiful blue eyes of yours.
Interviewer: It says here that you are quick with numbers. What's 14x33?
Me: 56
Interviewer: That's not even close.
Me: But it was quick.
Sometimes I enter your profile to see your newest messages and realize that your profile cover is two anime girls. It frightens me all the time.
Also thanks for the awesome profile posts as always.
Step 1: Take pictures of all the cats in your neighborhood.
Step 2: Make missing kitty pages and post them all on telephone poles.
Step 3: Have all the cute kitties and be happy.
We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more nacho cheese favor than a peasant in the 1400's would get in their whole lifetime.
I have a friend that became a vegetarian. She's changed so much. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Professor X: What is your mutant power?
Me: Hindsight.
Professor X: That won't help us.
Me: Yes, I can see that now.
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say that you are . . .
Independent.
Scary thought of the night: Outer space might be filled with vampires, but we would never know because all of our telescopes use mirrors to see.
The true definition of a cannibal: Someone that is fed up with people.
A man was washing his car with his son.
Son: Dad? Can't you just use a sponge like a normal person?
Me: I have misplaced my medieval servant boy. I'll just use Google to see if I can find him.
Google: The page cannot be found.
Me: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
Me, at a costume party
Host: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Me: A harp
Host: That outfit is too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Old MacDonald had dyslexia;
O, I, E, I, E!
I'm writing a novel, but it is done from a fifth person point of view. I'm starting every sentence with, "I heard from this guy who told somebody . . . "
Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.
Do you know why you can' t email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden!
The next time you are in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, yell out, "Come back with a warrant!"
If you think about it, cop cars are scarecrows for people.
Long Car Rides
Other People: Oh this is soooo boring!
Me, a maladapted daydreamer: Oh, this is a blessing. Let me just listen to my music and stare out my window while my mind slips into my alternate reality. -
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