Sherwood

Profile posts Latest activity Postings Media Awarded medals About Post areas

  • Interviewer: Why do you think you would be a great waiter?
    Me: Lets just say . . . I bring a lot to the table!
    Interviewer: Holy crap.
    Wife: Can you pick up a gallon of milk?
    Me: <Lifts gallon> Yeah, its pretty easy.
    Wife: I meant from the store.
    Me: I would imagine that they weigh the same there.
    Zotar
    Zotar
    *jots joke down in the book of Dad*
    Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
    Me: I fall in love easily.
    Interviewer: Ok, so, what is your greatest weakness?
    Me: Those beautiful blue eyes of yours.
    Zotar
    Zotar
    "If you're looking to be a spouse, that position has been filled."
    Interviewer: It says here that you are quick with numbers. What's 14x33?
    Me: 56
    Interviewer: That's not even close.
    Me: But it was quick.
    Step 1: Take pictures of all the cats in your neighborhood.
    Step 2: Make missing kitty pages and post them all on telephone poles.
    Step 3: Have all the cute kitties and be happy.
    We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more nacho cheese favor than a peasant in the 1400's would get in their whole lifetime.
    Professor X: What is your mutant power?
    Me: Hindsight.
    Professor X: That won't help us.
    Me: Yes, I can see that now.
    Scary thought of the night: Outer space might be filled with vampires, but we would never know because all of our telescopes use mirrors to see.
    Me: I have misplaced my medieval servant boy. I'll just use Google to see if I can find him.
    Google: The page cannot be found.
    Me: I'm terrified of random letters.
    Therapist: You are?
    Me: [screams]
    Therapist: Oh, I see.
    Me: [screaming intensifies]
    Me, at a costume party
    Host: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
    Me: A harp
    Host: That outfit is too small to be a harp.
    Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
    I'm writing a novel, but it is done from a fifth person point of view. I'm starting every sentence with, "I heard from this guy who told somebody . . . "
    Long Car Rides
    Other People: Oh this is soooo boring!
    Me, a maladapted daydreamer: Oh, this is a blessing. Let me just listen to my music and stare out my window while my mind slips into my alternate reality.
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
Back
Top