Sherwood

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  • Me: Why do I feel so terrible?
    Body: Coffee is not a meal.
    Body: Eat a vegetable!
    Body: Get some sleep!
    Me: I guess I'll never know.
    Body: Oh, good grief!
    Me: I will not be awkward today. I will not be awkward today. I will not be awkward today.
    Person: Hey.
    Me: Good, thanks!
    In my head: Constructs witty and insightful answers to interview questions for when I'm famous.
    Ordering at a restaurant: Please, I the soup want.
    Sometime in the far future, people will dig up Disneyland and think it was the capitol of some bizarre mouse-worshiping land.
    How did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet and not "sphynx of black quartz, judge my vow" which is a million times cooler?
    Daisie
    Daisie
    That sentence doesn't contain an i.
    Sherwood
    Sherwood
    I guess I have to spell 'sphinx' with the missing 'i' to get it right.
    Here is a tip:
    Carry a fork with you at all times. If someone tries to rob you, take out the fork and say, "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that I'm about to eat!" Then charge after the person and try to stab them with the fork while licking your lips.
    The three stages of a cat yawn:
    Stage 1: Cute tiny 'O' mouth
    Stage 2: Stick the tongue out real far
    Stage 3: Entire face splits open like a Lovecraftian horror, revealing an endless pit of teeth and pain
    If you watch carefully, cats almost never meow at one another, instead, they usually meow at humans. I think 'meow' means, "Come here and worship me, slave!"
    Me: Who's dog are you?
    Dog: I'M YOUR DOG! YES, I'M YOUR DOG! <TWIRL TWIRL WAG TAIL OVER AND OVER>
    Me: Who's cat are you?
    Cat: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON'T TOUCH MY STOMACH, HUMAN!
    I just learned that a dentist that lives up the street was just arrested for dealing illegal drugs. Goes to show you that you never know someone completely. I mean, I've been going to him for ten years and I never knew that he was a dentist.
    My brother got hospitalized when he fell off of horse. I asked the doctor how he was doing, and he said his condition was 'stable'.
    I told a friend that Orion's Belt is a real waist of space. He said it was a terrible joke, and gave it only three stars.
    Why is the word 'dark' spelled with a 'k' and not a 'c'? Because you can't C in the dark!

    I crack myself up.
    Did you hear that the underwear bandit got caught? He's being charged with a brief crime spree.
    I saw a documentary on the History Channel about the construction of the Pentagon. It was originally supposed to be an octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
    LegoLad659
    LegoLad659
    Really it should've been a hexaflexagon. You could hide more secret government projects there
    People are so impressed with companies making plants that taste like beef.

    I don't know why I should be; cows have been doing that for years.
    I am happy to announce that today I am celebrating my twenty forth wedding anniversary! Thanks to my wife for many wonderful years together, with the hope for many more!
    Me pre-kids: I will never lie to my kids - ever!
    Me with kids: I just got off the phone with Santa. He says if you don't put on your shoes right now, he's going to have to put down another unicorn.
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