DM: You see a warehouse in the distance.
Player: Is that like a werewolf, but instead of a wolf, it turns into a house?
DM: (frantically scribbling stats) It is now.
Guard 1: One of us speaks nothing but the truth!
Guard 2: One of us speaks only lies!
Wizard: Ok, I know this. We have to ask---
Barbarian: *takes axe and kills the first guard*
Wizard: WHAT THE HELL?!?
Barbarian: *to the remaining guard* Is he dead?
Guard: No
Barbarian: This one lies
DM: At the bar, you see a dark figure, a cloaked hunched over man. He is wearing a crown of bone and blade, surrounded by three sentient rings of fire, and he has a metal arm.
Players: Who else is in the tavern?
DM: Uh, there is a goblin named Sam Smorkle.
Party: I want to talk to Sam Smorkle.
Fundamentalist Fearmongering Video: This Dungeon "Master" is given complete control, and these "players" must do whatever dark things are demanded of them.
Real DM: Please, just cross the river. You have all tried to seduce the catfish, and it didn't work. I'm begging you.
Being a DM and writing your own campaigns is like buying your cats an elaborate cat condo and watching those dumb idiots spend the next four days in the box it came in eating the packing peanuts.
A teacher asks a class to spell a 12 letter long word.
One student shouts, "Masterbation!"
The teacher replies, "Wow, that's a mouthful!"
Student replies, "No, you're thinking of Blow Job!"
I went into a Best Buy for some batteries the other day, and the clerk asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and 90210 and he didn't even bat an eyelid. Damn kids.
Before Amazon Prime: Wow! The order said I would get my delivery in 8-10 days, but it showed up in seven!
After Amazon Prime: If those damn coasters don't show up in 24 hours, I'm gonna shank a bitch.
Cigarettes and alcohol both come with warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous and they destroy lives. But for some reason we still allow women to walk around unchecked.
A few days ago, I was watching a game of woman's volleyball. Three minutes into the game there was a hand injury. Don't worry though. I'm feeling much better now.